Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I keep thinking about abortion due to my cheating with this other man while married to my husband.

Aborting a child is not only socially or morally wrong but also haram in Islam unless practised for right reasons

 

Assalam O Alaikum,

Earlier this year, I made the biggest mistake of committing adultary. I was married at the time to my husband and had been married to him for over a year. I am still with him now. I committed this sin and not long after, I fell pregnant. My husband and I had already been trying for a baby for a while at the same time too. I told him what I had done and asked for forgiveness from him and from Allah (swt) and my husband had forgiven me and has accepted all of this.

The thing is:

My feelings are very confused for this baby as I wanted a baby with my husband and wanted to settle down, I know this baby is my husband's 98%. When I was intimate with this other man we used protection, thus too makes it impossible for him to be the biological father of the child. I don't know if it's shaytan but it's not getting out of my head and I'm not feeling bonded with the baby and all this just doesn't feel right :(. I keep thinking about this all the time and I just want to be happy and settle down and love my baby. Idea of abortion keeps coming to my mind but I don't think I could do something like that as it's another innocent life. I want to bring him up in the religion of Islam so deeply but what If I can't love after?

I am now 30 weeks pregnant and my baby's due date is 16.10.11. Please advise me to what to do?

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11 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaykum Sister,

    Adultry is a major sin. And Alhumdulillah you have seen the error of your ways, you have repented and your husband has forgiven and accepted you again. Allah has been Most Merciful to you sister and I will urge you to be forever grateful to Him(swt) for this. At the same time, with regards to your husband, I will strongly advise you to love him, respect him and do not ever think of betraying him again. If he has forgiven you - he must be surely a very compassionate person and you are most blessed and fortunate that your husband has such a nature. You are blessed that Allah has kept your marriage together and has shown you sense. Be thankful to Allah and truly seek His(swt) forgiveness.

    It is unfortunate, but the anxiety you are feeling now is probably a result of your sins and a combination of Shaytaan whispering doubts into your mind. You do not have peace of mind or heart because you are not 100% sure if the baby you are carrying is yours or not. But the facts are that abortion is haraam and also that there is no way of knowing who the father of your baby is for sure until after you have given birth. My advice to you as a Muslim sister is that you should do your best to fight away the doubts. If Allah(swt) has most Mercifully kept you and your husband together throughout this trial, then I feel that your doubts and an abortion will surely drive you apart and this is what shaytaan wants.

    If you are unsure about the paternity of your baby, do the necessary tests after its birth. If the results are not as you want, then you will have to deal with the consequences at the time. But atleast for now, while you can do nothing, have patience and do not spoil the chance of making your marriage work again.

    ***

    With sin, comes guilt and anxiety, its part and parcel of the package. However, if Allah(swt) has inspired your husband to forgive you - perhaps this is a sign that He(swt) has accepted your repentance - only Allah knows. And as this is the blessed month of Ramadan, fall in sujood and beg Allah's forgiveness. Implore Him(swt) by His Most Beautiful Names: Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem (The Most Compassionate, The Most Merciful). Praise Him(swt) for His(swt) immense Mercy on you. He(swt) is Al-Khaliq (The Creator), ask Him(swt) to make the child in your womb a blessing for both you and your husband in this life and the next. And Sister, from this moment onwards, strive to raise your child as a pious Muslim. Any time you feel those doubts entering your mind regarding abortion etc: do dhikr of Allah, do ablution, pray Salaah recite Quran and in doing so you will be fighting against shaytaan - do not let him overcome you again.

    Let this very dark experience in your life, make you hold on tighter to the rope of Allah. If you persevere in doing the right thing from now on and re-connect with Allah, only then will you find peace in your heart and the strength to deal with whatever is to come.

    Surah Az-Zumar, Ayah 53: "Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful."

    And how can you re-connect with Allah? Through repentance and Salaah.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Hi sister,

    you are in very critical situation.The problem is yet to come i belive.As long you just doubting, this doubts juts revolve inside yourself and you can pray and handle your doubts in positive manner.Just think of one thing.What if your husband is thinking "Who is the father of this child".What if he is already thinking this and what if he asks you this question later once after child is born.Even if he didnt ask you now, later point in life when the child is reallly old enough, he might throw this question at you.I dont know your husband and i cannot judge him.I am just thinking in general of boys mentality/guys mentality.I guess You will have prove your innocnce now or later point of time.

    If you are sure that your husband will never ever ask you to prove your innocence(i meant the test of finding the real father), then you can just leave this matter and do not get this tests done.Now all you hav to do is make ur husband happy as much as possible and be loyal to the fullest.

    Pray Allah and Allah is having the power the change evrything in this world.He is All seeing All knowing All hearing and He is the MOST merciful.

  3. Waslam sister Muslimah 161011,
    Sister sorry to hear about your struggles. May Allah (swt) bless you peace and tranquility and help you strengthen your emaan to fight our eternal enemy Shaytan. Sister, Masha Allah the amount of guilt you have may be enough for Allah (swt) to forgive you (Allah knows best). We can't change the past but we can better our present and future, isn't it? So, first of all count your blessings for having such a spouse who is so forgiving; you should browse this forum or see some real life cases how most husbands treat their wives if they even look at a man let alone cheating. So, cheer up for he gift Allah (swt) has blessed you with; surely he is an example for many husbands:). What has happened has happened; what is to come out even if you go for abortion? A life full of misery; guilt for killing an innocent life which Allah (swt) blessed you with; whom you were not supposed to kill because they are sent by Allah (swt) to grow in our hands as mature human beings; do good/righteous deeds and earn Jannah. Besides sister; look at it this way that their are married men and women out their who commit adultery without even realising the consequences that it is the 2nd biggest sin after Shirk. The fact that you are feeling guilt and remorse is a symbol that Allah (swt) is cleaning you of your sin; also nothing more makes Almighty more happier than when a servant of Him comes to ask for his forgiveness after committing the sin. So cheer up; take advantage of this beautiful month of ramadhan to repent; ask for forgiveness by promising to not to go back to that sin again. More importantly we as a Muslim should ask Allah (swt) for his help to give us the strength to fight devil who is everywhere and is the most powerful. Even the Prophets; chosen people of Allah (swt) asked for his help in their lives numerous time which shows us how powerful he is.
    As sister Z said that this is a combination of your guilt (which is good) and shaytan's whispers (which is absolutely not good because he loves to break families and is always up to harm us individually and collectively). It really is only in your mind sister; as you say that you used protection which means that their is no chance whatsoever that baby belongs to that other man. Please don't fall for the traps of devil; he wants to break your family if you go for abortion; besides if you do so, you are going to live with guilt all your life for killing a life and any child around you will remind you; how old your own child would be; what he would look like etc etc.

    I leave you with this beautiful saying of Hazrat Umar ibn-al-khattab r.a;
    "No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's Decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee."

    I pray to Allah (swt) to give you patience, understanding, wisdom to make the right decision and strength to forget your past and cherish and work on what is in your hand (your present) and be thankful to Allah for HIS blessings:) Amin.

    Wasalam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  4. Not a whole lot you can do at 30 weeks my dear but stay the course and pray for a healthy child. Abortion is not even in the cards at this point...this is a viable fetus and given today's technology, could sustain life if born today.

    I would say too that you are married to a wonderful man who is able to forgive such an act of adultery, I know that mine could not and would never accept such a thing.

    You should also know that just because the other man that you slept with wore a condom does not mean he could not be the father. Only a DNA test will confirm who is the father is.

    Pray for forgiveness to Allah for your transgressions for he is most merciful and compassionate.God willing you and your husband can work together to rebuild your marriage and the trust that you have broken.

  5. Allah s.w.t is Most Merciful indeed!have you thought that if it were not for the baby you might have (m sorry)spent more time with that man....?(just thinking about human nature+shaytaan)...so count the baby as a blessing for tying you and your husband together!May Allah give u n you husband and your baby much happiness together!

  6. so what happened now ...who is the father.

    Please tell us .... ok - we are waiting.

  7. Honestly- no doctor will allow you to have an abortion if you are 30 weeks along.
    If is your first baby- is normal you are not bonding yet, it can even take a few months after his birth as all your life as a woman will be thrown into chaos at first when the baby will come- plus your hormones are acting out like crazy.
    And lastly- you can know if the child belongs to your husband by comparing blood groups- yours and his with the baby's. Just do your research quietly as which blood groups derive in which- compare it to the baby's blood group- and voila- your worries are gone! Is not 100% as the DNA test but it should put your mind at ease... or it won't! And no matter what- love that baby- fathers are not very important. Babies need their mother most, you will see that. Guys are not that bonded to the kids, they just want an offspring and something to be proud of.
    Wish you have an easy delivery and good luck 🙂

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