Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Advice about how to handle wife’s past

guilt sins forgive

Salam Alejkom dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am happily married with my wife and we have a beautiful son Alhamdulillah. I have lived in Europe almost all my life, have good academic education and I love my religion and Allah, but would like to be a better Muslim than I am today. I married when I was quite young and never got into premarital sex with the help and grace of Allah alhamdulillah.

I was married to a Muslim sister before my current wife and I divorced her after about six years because of many issues. I have one son with my ex-wife who mostly lives with his mother, but the older he gets the more he will be with my family inshaAllah. Five to six months after our divorce I met my current wife and we have been married for over 2.5 years. She is a good wife and we get along very good Alhamdulillah.

My current wife have some past history that she regrets, but she is a completely changed person and lives by Islamic rulings. We love each other and would never wish to separate. However, I sometimes feel very hurt because of her past boyfriends have done everything a man would do to his wife and maybe more and that she loved other(s) before me. I have promised myself to never use anything of her past against her and I hold on to my promise alhamdulillah. I am masculine, strong and have been sportsman at the top level for many years, but sometimes I feel weak because of her past and my male ego gets very hurt. It's not about her, because I respect, love and care about her and threat her good. It's about me and my male ego. If she was married before, but never committed any unlawful deeds such as premarital sex it would be much easier for me to handle. Many women don't understand us men, because we function differently than women. It's much easier for a woman to forgive and forget if she is secure and knows that her man really loves her. But for a man, the physical aspect is very important, because he is biologically made to protect his women and children.

Me and my wife discussed that I maybe could take a second wife and she is not against it, but I don't know if this is a good solution. I feel this would maybe put to much burden on me. I want to find some kind of a practical solution that don't cross any divine limits of Allah.

I'm not like the Prophets of Allah and I am not a saint so please don't give me unrealistic advice. If there are some brothers that managed to handle this, who where in the same situation, please write and give me some advice/guidelines. Sisters if you have some experience in this area please share your thoughts and give me some advice.

Kind Regards,


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34 Responses »

  1. Brother ,

    You talk about being realistic .The realistic part is there will be very few Muslim or non Muslim sisters who don't have any type of past due to easy mixing of both sexes ,starting from school till office ..

    Its like very few people can win a lottery same thing very few people will get a spouse who was pious ..

    Some times people with bad past repents sincerely and rest of life will be totally Islamic and this is better than the spouse who was pious before but not keen towards leading Islamic life after marriage ..

    Imagine a life , if your wife was keen on leading non islamic life after marriage how it would had been for you ?

    You need to find some ways to remove all these negative thoughts from your mind and lead a happy life with your wife .....When you get these thoughts try diverting your mind to some other stuff immediately .Learn how to divert your mind when you are in this state ........

  2. Assalaamu Alaikum Brother,

    I do try to stay away from the brothers' posts because, many times another man may be able to give a man advice with understanding, etc., but...

    ...I am so confused about your post, and I think it is my concern for your wife, and maybe a future second wife that prompts me to reply to you.

    I really don't want to seem judgmental, Brother, but it sounds to me like your answer to your own insecurities is marry someone else? I respect your insecurities, and manly feelings/machismo, masha'Allah. I am also VERY pro-polygyny, and you are within your rights, but I just feel like I am missing something because it sounds to me like you wrote (paraphrasing):

    'My wife has a past. I don't. I am tormented by her past. I am thinking I will marry another woman'

    I mean, maybe- just maybe, marriage to a virgin would make you feel more secure, but it will not improve your relationship with your current wife, and it is a weak foundation for a second marriage.

    Frankly, the man who can marry more than one woman and NOT make a mess of everyone's lives is a man who has mastered his inner demons. You are within your rights, but think of what a blessing you have in a wife who readily accepts a second wife, and the second wife accepts the first, by default. Don't you think you owe it to them to be ready? You are within your rights, but please don't use one marriage to patch up the holes in another.

    That is what I am hearing you want to do. Maybe I don't understand. It will be nice to hear from some brothers.

    Hana

    • Thanks for your input Hana.

      "I mean, maybe- just maybe, marriage to a virgin would make you feel more secure, but it will not improve your relationship with your current wife, and it is a weak foundation for a second marriage."

      I believe you are totally right about that if I marry a second wife it will not improve my current situation with my current wife. In fact it can make it worse. However, my intention of the proposed solution was not to marry a virgin. A widow or a divorced woman would be more honorable and right. I wrote my first post because my hurt male ego is trying to defend it's self and get some advice on how get past this issue. My intention is not to inflict pain towards my current wife, but to reduce my own pain and restore my own balance. It's not that I am insecure or jealous as Sahaddita stated in another post, but more about something that I deserve as her husband was taken from me kind of crazy feeling. Now I don't only see the physical, but the big emotional injuries in the heart that was caused from those relationships. It affects her alot.

      I must emphasis that I don't see my wife to be lower than me in any way as some posters stated. In fact, I see her as higher than me because she is totally sincere in her intention and I support her and trust her. However, she is very regretful of what she did and knows me well enough to see my pain in my eyes sometimes when I am hurt as I see hers, but we don't speak about it. As I said it's only my male ego that is in my way.

      Male ego and female ego work in very different ways according to many therapists that acknowledge gender and brain differences. It's almost opposite of each other.

      I belive Islam considers gender differences and gives us males ways in protecting our egos and the same for women. An ego is not bad. It's good when its controlled. We need it to live in this world as whole humans with our egos directed and controlled by our soul and spirit, but also by protecting it and giving it it's rights over us. Somehow I strongly believe that if a male ego loves a woman it wants to own and protect her past and future... If a female ego loves a male it wants to own his present attention and love. As said they are opposites, but have more or less from each other also.

      I recommend other women who had some " pasts" to not disclose them to you future spouse because it will cause him some pain. Even if he loves you. If you have already told him then the only thing he can do is to overcome it himself or to remove himself from that situation. Shaitan will use this weapon against him anytime he is able to.

      For a man to be able to handle this situation he has to really be very spiritual and value this dunya very little and have great amount of rahma. Honestly, I am not in that state yet, but I want to. However I am happy for this challenge because it will help me to grow, be stronger and a better man ishaAllah. I will focus on my future, in my life mission and build up a good family with good values. It would not be wise to marry another wife right now, but maybe in future when I am totally over this issue and when I accept my wife 100 % without feeling anything bad about her past. The opposite, I want to embrace and love her past because that formed her to what she is today and to love her as she is today. Healing one heart maybe can save me and my family from hellfire by Allah's mercy.

      Kind regards,
      Monir

      • AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Monir,

        I rarely return to a post. I don't get response notifications, so I just haphazardly jump around here...but somehow I got here and saw your response. Your first 5 paragraphs and your sixth paragraph show two different mindsets (heart-sets). As I read your first 5 paragraphs I thought, 'I can understand him. He is within his rights. Allah, who has given us our rights, knows us better than we know ourselves and each other, so I support his position'. But then I read your sixth paragraph and I thought, 'this is what success sounds like'. I hope that you can achieve the highest success.

        I think Allah swt offers us the challenge that you speak of, and an opportunity to reach a higher state of being and worship. But because Allah is so merciful he also gives us our rights, so that we can be human and still manage to stay on the Path. Above all we must recognize who we are and manage to stay on the Path.

        But I do pray for you, and myself, and the entire Ummah to achieve the highest success.

        May Allah bless and protect your precious family. Ameen.

      • Dear Brother,

        How are you today how do you feel did you win the battle???

  3. Brother,

    How will marrying another woman change your wife's past?

    Or are you just out to inflict pain on her, since you experience pain yourself?

    And please, don't assume you know how a woman feels, that she would find it easier to forgive and forget. That is simply not true. What is true is that women more often than men are forced to live with the pain of knowing their husband have shared their love - or are sharing!!! - their love with other women. But never presume you know how a woman feels about that!

    My advice is you seek council. Get treatment for your insecurities and your jealousy, and thank Allah for sending you a wife who loves you. Buy her some flowers and tell her you love her.

  4. Asalam o Alaikum Brother Monir,

    I had tried my best not to respond to your post since morning, but i couldn't controlled myself.

    I respect the advises put forth by my brothers and sisters. But i can well understand that how it makes you feel sometimes (and not always for sure). But when you have this feeling, just try to remember the great GOD and read this verse alot (Subhan'Allah-he-wa-be-Hamde-he Subhan'Allah-Azeem).

    Try and consider your story resolved, unless you are crazy to try a virgin lady. Bet me, that trying would also not make any difference in your life.

    Buy some flowers bro, and tell your wife regularly that you love her. That regular talk would make you believe more that you love her.

    Its a short life, move on, think about your kids and their future. You can't remain in past for your whole life.

    and sorry, if i have offended your feelings. My intention is just to comfort you. Stay blessed, ALLAH SWT be with you.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    Whatever happened in the past, if your wife has now repented and is following Islamic guidance, then say Alhamdulillah and try to leave the past alone.

    If you keep going over and over the past, you risk pushing your wife away. Nobody likes to be repeatedly reminded of past mistakes. By bringing it up a lot, you may well be causing her significant distress - you mention that she is now practising, so she is almost certainly very aware of the mistakes of her past, without being reminded of them.

    Rather than bringing someone else into this situation, I'd advise that you and your wife make a decision that you will try to address the issues without upsetting her further. If you can't put the issues aside by yourself, you could try seeing a counsellor or therapist - they can inshaAllah help you work through your insecurities and understand why you are struggling with this.

    Make sure that your wife knows how much you love and respect her. Before looking to marry a second wife, make sure that your relationship with the wife you have now is strong. Polygamy can be a significant challenge for a couple, and rather than being a solution to your feelings, would likely serve to complicate things if entered into without the issues you describe having been addressed.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. Aoa Brother,

    Would you rather like to be with a girl who marries you and then cheats on you, or be with a women
    who had pre-marital relations and she was not cheating on you, has repented and intends to be the
    best wife a man can have.

    I very well understand, how us guys think and women sometimes unintentionally or deliberately step on
    the male ego, but in your case, your wife is OK with you having a second wife and accepting your son
    from the other wife indicates that she has no intention to hurt your male ego and unlike many modern
    women is subservient to Allah.

    As it is said: A good wife is a blessing, so do not question in which circumstances you have been given the blessing. The main point is that you have been blessed with a good wife.

    Try to soothe your male ego by considering what you two have is totally unique; no two experiences are alike, she may have a past but what she has with you, affection, care, intimacy, she has never had with anyone else and will never have with anyone else. There is no need to inquire about the past, what she did and what she didn't. What you two are having is totally unique, totally new, value that.

    Being a guy and head of the family one is expected to have a big heart and ability to lead your family even in difficult times. The moment for second thoughts was the time when you said "I accept her" in Nikkah. Honor what you said in Nikkah, and overlook her past and Allah Ta'ala will overlook your shortcomings on the day of judgement, inshaAllah.

    There is no better boost to male ego than knowing that one has been a good husband and provider for the family. The real pride of a man is the integrity of character. Humans are not a thing that is only good in mint condition, some of us get stumbled every once in a while. You have the right to leave or of get a second wife but you have to decide for yourself if you would be justified in doing so.

    I pray for your comfort and well being.

  7. AsSalaamu 'alaikum brother,

    You wrote:

    It's not about her, because I respect, love and care about her and threat her good. It's about me and my male ego. If she was married before, but never committed any unlawful deeds such as premarital sex it would be much easier for me to handle.

    When we talk about the ''male ego'' here, then it shouldn't matter whether your wife was married before or engaged in a premarital sex, because the ''male ego'' here is in reality, about another man being in the picture, regardless of whether it was a haram or halal relationship. If this is the case, then divorcing her and marrying an ''untouched'' woman is what a man in such situations could be thinking about. However, the truth is that such ''male egos'' can't even be satisfied by marrying an untouched woman, because again, you can't really tell what her fantasies could be either. Therefore the best solution is to FIGHT this male ego within yourself by diverting your thoughts to something beneficial, such as the remembrance of Allah and the thoughts of Him (do this especially when the feelings start to approach you), in addition to enjoying the good side of your wife and assisting her to continue improving and making you happy through that--this will ''kill or overcome'' your male ego gradually till eventually, inshaAllah.

    However, if you insist that your feelings were actually due to her past sin in and of itself, then this should imply that, you were not imagining about the other man/men in the picture, rather it implies that you only hate the ''past sins''--thus makes you a saint, following the foot-steps of the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam), because only saints hate what Allah hates, and the same saints are able to wholeheartedly forgive, what Allah Has forgiven, and they are as well, able to completely have compassion for the person when he/she has repented sincerely. If you think you are actually not a saint enough to forgive and have such a compassion for your wife, then it may be helpful if you could ask yourself, ''whether there has been any sin/mistake (regardless of how big or small it may be) between you and Allah, which you hope that He forgives you?'' "...And let them pardon, and let them overlook. Do you not love for Allah to pardon you? Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Quran 24: 22)

    Furthermore, if your wife agreed to the idea of you taking a second wife because you made her feel bad about her past, then ''shame'' on you brother!!! That is a clear blackmail. How could you blackmail a wife, you claim you respect, love, care about, and threat good? Do you know that your respect, love, and care for her, are all meaningless, if you put her down because of her past? Don't claim that you treat her good, but let her feel it within herself.

    However, if your wife agreed to idea of a second marriage by her own free-will and satisfaction, then there is no blame on you at all, so long as, you achieve that while fulfilling its conditions. Though, it would be better if you could wait till when you are able to address the ''male ego'' issue successfully, and as well as, to be able to strengthen your relationship with your current wife.

    Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah knows best.

  8. OP: My current wife have some past history that she regrets, but she is a completely changed person and lives by Islamic rulings. ........ I sometimes feel very hurt because of her past boyfriends have done everything a man would do to his wife and maybe more and that she loved other(s) before me. I have promised myself to never use anything of her past against her and I hold on to my promise alhamdulillah. I am masculine, strong and have been sportsman at the top level for many years, but sometimes I feel weak because of her past and my male ego gets very hurt. It's not about her, because I respect, love and care about her and threat her good. It's about me and my male ego.

    You first wife has a history also and you are a part of that history. Now she is USED and no one should marry her or marry her and get a new virgin wife on the side

    Did you accept your second wife knowing her past history? You promised not to use her past against her but know you feel weak. Now you are using her past to get a new younger girl as a second wife. If you are a good Muslim go marry an older woman widow or divorced woman with kids.

    Yes men do work differently. Most want to have sex before marriage. Some are successful but all want to marry a virgin girl

    • i totally agree with svs here, if it is such an emergency (911
      ) to marry a girl then help a widowed or divorced woman by marrying her as you yourself is not a virgin anymore.

    • Sorry but this is a total misunderstanding of my post. I am not after a virgin wife. Please don't be fast in your conclusions. It's not about to be used or use others. It's about following some values and protecting your heart, body and soul. As I said in my post I don't use her past against her. That would be very dishonorable to myself.

      /M

  9. Salam brother,

    What can you ask for more when your current wife is loving and a good muslim woman already? You both are divorced and re-married by the grace of Allah. You should be grateful and thankful for finding an understanding wife to be with you. A life long partner who can understand you is more important than anything.

    I do not understand how marrying another "virgin" will help your marriage. It can only boost up your male ego to another level - because I can! One thing for sure is you are hurting your wife so much by bring up her past as an issue. I feel sorry for your wife and she did nothing wrong.

    Maybe you can think in this way, if one day your sister or daughter get divorced, will you want her future husband be a loving one regardless of her past? Love her and accept her as who she is, right? How about imagine if your mom get divorced when you were young, would you want your mother to marry someone who can take care of her and you regardless of the past. You would prefer a loving father but not a father who would treat your mom with less respect just because she had married before or threatened her to marry to another woman, right? Same as your ex-wife, you would want her to get marry to a responsible man as well, right? There are so many unhappy families because of poor judgment or decision.

    Maybe sometimes we need to put aside our ego, be humble in the relationship. Seek Allah's pleasing in doing every act.

    • Sorry, I miss the point that your current wife is not a divorcee but had her past with her boyfriend. You may feel you are "above" her as her relationship was haram and yours were legal. As long as she is repented and a good muslim now, her past is between she and Allah. You have no right to judge her past. From a woman points of view, you were married and she did not mind to marry you even you have a son. I think she has a great heart to accept you as who you are, why don't you? Don't dwell in the past, look forward, my brother. You both can have a very happy marriage, inshallah.

  10. Assalamu Aleikom

    I'd just like to comment on your words that a woman can forgive and forget easier than a man. This is not necessarily true. I personally believe it is harder for a woman most times. If you think for one minute she does not hurt at the thought of you being intimate and fathering a child with another woman, than you are mistaken. I know your previous marriage was legal, but it doesn't change the fact that you were still intimate with someone other than her. Believe me, she THINKS about this. Just as you think about her.

    The difference between the two scenarios is not that one person's past was legal/halal and the other person's wasn't...the difference is one person has managed to look at the person they decided to marry(faults and all) and accept them for who they are at the moment. That is the difference.

    It is normal to have thoughts such as yours, but I fear you are somehow elevating your level over hers because your prior relationship was legal and hers apparently was not. Again, in the end Brother, it does not matter at all because both of you had prior intimate relationships and no matter how you look at it, it is bound to run through the mind of the other as some point and time.

    Try to keep your thoughts about her past to yourself and try not to punish her for it. If anything, look at her as sort of a role model of how someone can overlook another person's faults(I am sure you're not an angel on a daily basis...none of us are). She willingly and lovingly accepts you for who you are, what you are, and even accepting of a right of yours that will no doubt cause her some pain on some level(second wife) whether she is accepting or not. That is NOT easy for a woman AT ALL! Trust me. What you have now is open and honest and who is to say that your request for a virgin second wife will be fulfilled. People lie all the time. Also, I would imagine that it might be a little difficult for you to find and innocent virgin to marry... someone who has fathered children from two different women. Think about that for a moment. While there is nothing wrong with it when you look at it as a whole, it is somewhat presumptuous that you would expect a virgin second(actually third considering your divorce) wife to willingly marry ...although anything is possible.

    Please know I did not mean to insult you or suggest you are not worthy of anything more than what you have. I am merely trying to help you understand that it may not be all black and white. There are many factors and angles to address and also many things you can address with your own self to help. If anything, I commend you on your brevity, your macho ego did not come across so much as the goodness in your character when you reached out here with such raw honesty. I truly believe taking a look at your good qualities and her good qualities will help to ease your mind instead of constantly feeling insecure about your ego. InshaAllah

    All my best to you and your wife

  11. She's a good wife to you and she has remained loyal. Yes she made mistakes in the past but she has been honest about this and regrets it. She hasn't cheated on you and you overall have a good marriage. So forget about her past, and focus on further improving your marrisge with her. Also I don't understand how another wife will help the situation. Anyway that's my advice to you. May Allah swt increase the love you have for each otjer and bless your marriage Ameen

  12. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    May Allah help me in my words...if they offend you, I apologize as I am trying my best to possibly positively help you and your wife in some ways.

    You have mentioned that you were married before, then remarried and now you are happy. Dear Brother, if you think about the psychology of shaitaan, he wants to at all costs destroy the institution of marriage--and now, when you are happy in a marriage, with a beautiful son, he will pick at the thing that has the potential to destroy you--could it be the feelings that you are dwelling upon?

    You have mentioned that your wife is completely changed and that she lives as per Islamic ruling, that you love each other and never wish to separate - I would say this is a prime candidate marriage for shaitaan to destroy--one in which much tranquility lies. Why would shaitaan waste time on something already broken?

    Dear Brother, you have mentioned it is much easier for women to forgive than men. I believe that there is some truth in that--but that doesn't make it right or wrong either way. In fact, I would argue there is some hypocrisy in this statement. On one hand, you are suggesting that a woman who committed premarital relations is less apt to be forgiven than a man who committed the same actions; but on the other hand, it is suggesting that men can have relations outside of marriage and it is normal for them--but if this is true, with whom would these men be pursuing, but women? Isn't this is a clear distraction from real issue at hand, which is the relationship between Allah and His servants?

    Also, it is extremely easy for any of us to be judgemental about sins we have not committed, instead of being thankful to Allah swt for having the strength to avoid the sin in the first place. Furthermore, what can we say about a person who has sinned, repented, and now NOT returned to that sin--perhaps they have more strength now to avoid the sin than the person who never committed it in the first place. For the tests that we have not faced, we can't claim we have passed them.

    One day, we will all stand in front of Allah swt. May Allah have Mercy on our souls. At that time, when we stand, alone, before our Creator and one question after another, we will answer for every moment, for every action, for every breath--what will we want the most at that time? We will not be haughtily exclaiming at the sins we avoided or the deeds we did...instead, we will be eager and dependent on the Mercy of Allah swt--Mercy is integral to a marriage and I think you need to reach inside yourself and think about what your wife, whom you love and don't want to part from, and decide if she is worthy of that.

    As for a second marriage, I highly doubt that you would be able to be fair and equitable to your current wife when you have these feelings for her. For someone who has changed and paved a new path for themselves, they deserve the best. You have mentioned that it is easy for women to forgive - perhaps, but let us not take advantage of how women were created. Also, it would not be easy for any woman to encourage her husband to take a 2nd wife--yes, she may do it, but not without a storm raging inside her that she just doesn't show you. If you want to live knowing that it is there or ignore it, you can, but bearing another woman in a husband's life is a great struggle which shouldn't be ignored. One article that talks about surviving in polygamy states, "Sometimes men try to fix a failing monogamous marriage by taking a second wife – in my opinion this is like trying to put out a fire in the living room by starting another fire in the kitchen." http://www.sisters-magazine.com/index.php?route=articles/articles&articles_id=32

    Remember, that Umar bin Khattab planned on murdering our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), but today his grave is alongside the very person he planned to destroy. I read somewhere, if Allah swt didn't give up on a man who once supported polytheism, then why do we give up on people so quickly? I urge you brother, to not give up on yourself, your wife and your marriage. May Allah increase the love between you and your wife many many-fold and help you to realize that the greener pasture on the other side is just an illusion from shaitaan. Be content with what you have, before you arrive at the moment when you will remember what you had.

    May Allah bestow upon you success, wisdom and much love in your marriage, Ameen.

    • Thanks for your response Saba.
      May Allah reward you for your time and effort.

      Please read my response for Hana at the top.

      /Monir

  13. You need to work on the issues of yourself before you have another wife. You too have made mistakes your no different to anyone else. I see a lot of hypocrisy in your post as well.

    Your wife has been honest with you she hasn't cheated on you or treated you in any disrespect way. I applauded her for telling you about her past even though Allah has given permission to conceal haraam sins even that I know doesn't excuse this. If I was in your shoes I would be grateful of being with a loyal person than someone who does mistakes but never changes at least she has repented and become a good muslim. Work on yourself to appreciate your marriage and your woman. You need to get over it and get a grip because good people are hard to find even when a sincere person changes. You cant hold the past against her and become angry and bitter when she herself told you, she must have trusted and had respect for you. In my opinion you good something really good and that's hard to find your really lucky and you cant see it.

  14. assalamu alaikum wrbk,

    so I've been reading this blog for a long while now, and this is what i've been observing,

    If a sister submits a post in a similar regard to OP, then most of the advices are exactly blaming the brother.

    same scenario, a brother submits a post like this, even though the question is about his wife having a past, then the guy gets the blame?

    I know that sisters and brothers here were giving advice to save the brother's marriage and all, but i read some other similar posts like this and umm,, yeah,,,the guy is always wrong. sad to see the double standards in the society.

    as far as my advice to Monir99,

    brother, no body is perfect, imagine you had done some mistake(Which you haven't, mashallah), you would plead for forgiveness from your wife as well as god, maybe your loved one needs a chance from you. chances are if you forgive her and treat her right, you will be kept at a higher position in her heart.

    • @abbas
      no one is blaming the brother or attacking him and not all guys are wrong.
      I do actually feel sorry for him, but at the end of the day he too has made mistakes but his lady told him everything. I dont think its fair or right of him to think about that past now when he has married her. You just have appreciate the fact she has changed and can be trusted.

    • Thanks Abbas,
      It's quite true. Many sisters take it personally and it's always the man's fault.

      There are many good men out there and it's often the good men that gets into trouble...

      /Monir

      • There are many good brothers and sisters. I don't agree though, that many sisters blame men always...or at least, any more than many men do the same...genders are the very same in this regard. However, if you truly feel this way, I don't think it is wise to turn a blind eye towards how the world is mostly a patriarchal society--and so, in the way that perhaps many women can't understand a "male's ego", similarly many men can't understand the challenges that women face on a daily basis that men have never faced. Men and women will always have a blind spot towards each other's perspective in this world because of who we are.

  15. Asak
    I sincerely hope u have sorted out ur problems with ur wife by now. Mashallah everyone above has covered every possible angle and solution do I don't know if mine will make a difference or not but I just felt very strongly that I should point out a few things...firstly being a woman myself I would want to point out to u how difficult it is to open up about our past and our feelings to somebody we love so much knowing it might hurt them I applaud ur wife for having the courage.... But I feel extremely sad that instead of supporting her and loving her u are making this about urself and please think about how awful she would feel about how this is affecting u...u claim to b honourable do the honorable thing and accept her FULLY for what she is as she has accepted ur past...I don't mean to sound rude or judgemental and I totally get where ur coming from but Allah has blessed u with such a loving and honest wife and u urself are I'm sure an incredible man so please don't waste ur life with such trivial things..in time I'm sure with mutual love an understanding u guys will create an amazing partnership inshallah.

  16. I read this post, i have been a quite open person and accepted a girl with her past but as i proposed her for marriage and told my parents, things creeped up my mind on daily basis and sometimes i used to feel i should leave her here and not go in marriage, still we arent married and engagement is still to be done
    I feel confused the same way about her as if she miss or regrets leaving the guy she was with or if she is even happy! I cant her past out of mind either, i just feel sad that i being a man guarded me well while she wasnt able to wait for right person

    • Confused, please know that this is something that will follow you your whole life. If you are not sure or strong enough to handle it dont marry her. I think there is a reason why our Lord said to not disclose sins when made tawbah. It is to protect your other half from bad feelings because of bad thoughts. Before in Islam when a known zani would want to marry he only got a known zania. And vice versa. If Allah have concealed the sin from others to protect you then you shouldn't disclose it to protect others and yourself.
      Islam is both spiritual and practical. It takes account of the normal ego of both sexes. If you are a very spiritual person and you reached higher level of counceusness than normal avarage people and can handle this marry her and she can be your ticket to even higher level of counceusness and paradise. This will require a lot of work with your self, ego and your own spirituality. At times it will hurt incredebly and you will not be able to talk to anyone except your Lord. You have to be sure you will never ever use that information against her because you are hurt. This would be sin from your side. I know what I am talking about and I hope you appreciate the advice. It is your choice and nobody else. Here you can be selfish if you want to protect yourself. If you know you can threat her excellent then go ahead but that will be your test in this world. Don't forget also to put this in perspective. So many people are dying, being raped, abducted, murdered and so on. When you have pain feel it, accept it and thank your Lord for it. The pain is there to say something so listen. Weak people will do anything to avoid pain by taking drugs, eating sugars, fleeing reality and increasing addictions. Work with yourself because your Lord will test you anyway. However if this is to much for you right now don't marry. It can destroy you and your life or build you up to be an incredible man of purpose and commitment to your Lord and your self to realize your life mission. You can still reach higher level of counceusness, reach your goals, realize your purpose and mission even if you don't go ahead and marry her. It is your choice.

      We salaam
      /Monir

      • Dear Monir
        How are you feeling now , I am in a similar situation and it’s like living in hell all the time . Some days are good and some days are bad but this thought never leaves the mind.

        Thanks
        Nazir

  17. Salam alaikum brother,

    I have been in the same situation and I feel I may be able to atleast help you cope with it. I remained virgin until I got married and I found out about my wife’s past after our engagement. It tortured me but at the same time I couldn’t just rejected her knowing how changed and repentant she had become. The spark of love of Islam in her was what helped me cope. I couldn’t have rejected her thinking that if I reject her for a sin that she has repented for, will Allah reject me too on the day of judgment for my other sins? If Allah can forgive, can I not represent that quality of Him in me and glorify Allah?

    I felt in such a moral dilemma when I was in this situation but I chose to reflect selflessness and the quality of Allah. Besides, I felt that true love isn’t self-love, it isn’t what you want. True love(like that of Allah) is giving. Love is everything that hurts. Love is sacrifice, compromise, and giving out happiness.

    I believe Allah has put us to test because he chose us for this. He chose us to be better and more like Him. Pass this test brother. Whenever that ego comes, fight with it. You do your part unconditionally and Allah will enter you in paradise unconditionally. May Allah help, guide, forgive and elevate us all.

    Salam.

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