Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Advice needed for pregnant non-Muslim to a Muslim mother to be.

Is my marriage permissible?

Hi,

I am a non muslim from new zealand who up until recently had been seeing a Fijian/indian muslim guy. (for almost 3years; 1 living together). We aren't married and haven't done nikkah. He isn't a devout Muslim; he smokes and drinks alcohol and almost never goes 2 the mosque or prays. We both eat haram food. (jst not pork.) I never really had a relationship with his family until recently. We broke up for 5 months at the beginning of the year and got back together in July. After this started to see his parents a lot more and kind of got a little bit close with them.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant; we found out in 6th weeks and when we told his parents they were furious saying I MUST get an abortion, I am just using him and I got pregnant on purpose. They disowned him and 2 weeks later they came 2 my parents (where we were staying) while we weren't home and said for him 2 come over sometime (which was their way of apologizing). He started 2 go there again but I refused feeling like they wanted 2 kill my child. When I was 10 weeks pregnant; his mum called and invited me over 2 talk so I went thinking I was going 2 get an apology for the things they said; which I didn't! Instead they said they had figured out 'damage control' for the situation.
We all thought that nikkah couldn't be done while I was pregnant so they explained 2 me that we would instead LIE to the community and everyone saying their son and I did nikkah in secret and came back to have the celebration. I was told it would b a 'small party' so I agreed; I later found out it would be my wedding with 350 people that i didn't know. I also wouldn't get to plan it and it would be done in 3 weeks time. When I realized what was happening; I tried to back out, I was told that if we didn't go through with it that his family wouldn't have anything to do with him. Because, I didn't want him to loose his family I agreed.
When we first found out I was pregnant he (the father of my child) said he wanted 2 start attending the mosque more, give up smoking and drinking and also stop eating haram. I was happy to hear these things. But, he didn't change; 4 weeks later and still no change. He kept making excuses that he would but didn't. While I was 10 weeks pregnant; we were at his parents' house with a lot of his family around. He hadn't had a cigarette all day and I refused to let him have one (I had his wallet so he couldn't buy any); we physically fought for half an hour as he was trying to get it off me. He finally gave up when his cousin arrived with some. I was so embarrassed, angry and emotional that I just hid in the bedroom and cried. His mother made him come in we talked for 5 minutes before he agreed to take me back to my mums.

When we arrived he packed all his clothes and left. I messaged him and said he could have his ciggarettes if they meant that much to him and it was over between us. He never texted me back. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.
Should I give him a break about smoking? Am I just making a big deal about nothing? I stopped eating pork when we first met and haven't eaten it since. He's never given up anything for me. We are having a baby now me converting so his child can be raised Muslim; should be more important than a cancer stick.
Also I feel his parents are being unfair in forcing us to 'marry' it is something I want to do with him but its also something I want to spend months planning and not have my mother in law plan everything FOR ME in a matter of weeks.

Any advice please help!

mum2b.

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2 Responses »

  1. Hello.

    There's a lot of issues to deal with here, but let's start with the easiest one first: smoking. Due to the fact that it's an addiction, you should not expect him to give it up cold turkey, since in many rulings, it's not haram/forbidden. For now, make sure that he does not smoke around you, if you get back together, to keep the baby and yourself safe from second-hand smoke. Expect him to have relapses from time to time, but look into getting him nicotine gum, the tobacco patch and other aids to lessen his dependency. Giving up smoking is easier than ever, so it's a surmountable obstacle.

    You are going to need to determine how you want to live for your life from here on out, though. It's evident that his caving into his family and his failure to adhere to Islam is a sign of his weakness to live a proper life. This weakness is causing him to fail to be ready to be a husband and a father!

    So you are going to have to assess what is the most important things to you now: preparing you life for your baby or preparing your life for his childish behavior, if he refuses to change his ways? You need to sit him down and state what you are willing to accept and not accept. You need a true answer from him as to how life is going to be planned. Ideally, this would have been done before the pregnancy, but you cannot hesitate any longer to do it now.

    The issue of the wedding is a control issue for his mother and his parents. Yet, it's also an issue of the family's standing in the community. I believe, if you work sincerely with his mother, you can compromise on a ceremony that suits you both, while being imperfect as it is. You have to account for your mistakes beforehand and see that the ceremony is not as you wish it 100% simply because you failed to live true to higher morals and ethics before. It's a harsh reality, but as you are bearing a child, you need to get used to the idea of putting yourself second in this equation. As a mother, your child comes first in everything. Let this be a lesson and an opportunity to build a healthy and understanding relationship with his parents, if you do decide to still marry him.

    Do not get fascinated so much on the ceremony. It's quickly over and done with and the energy and money can be put to better you use in getting ready for your child to be born. Many ideas about marriage ceremonies are contrived commercialization ideas, instead of focusing on the important matter, which in your case is building a stable life with your child.

    As you can see, I'm constantly making reference to your pregnancy. All these matters are going to pale in comparison if you don't start thinking about the future, today. All of these problems will be magnified by the arrival of your child. It's time to buckle down and grow up. Concentrate on what's important, determine your expectations and live your life that way.

    Only then, can you expect a real change in your condition. May Allah (swt) grant you patience and willpower.

  2. Hi,
    I havent ever been in such situation, but it looks you need to start your life alone with your mum and their care. Please, dont text him anymore. If he loves you, he will come soon. If not, you are only lucky. Fist problem is alcohol, then cigaretts. Then he made a child to you. There are only problems with him. Imagine, you will live with him, he will be totally drunk and make only children for you.

    You are happy girl, that he left you alone. Please, go to your parents for support. I am not sure about social system in New Zealand, but find a work as soon as possible and live on your own.

    About cigaretts. My daddy is also a smoker, but he have his cigaret only outside, never at home. So there is not problem with it at all.

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