Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Advice on choosing a spouse, culture and tourism

confusion decision

This is like 3/4 short questions in one post. please forgive me if its too much lol

People tend to say that you'll marry whoever Allah wished you to marry (which i agree with, because things only happen with Allah´s consent)

My question is that is you're marriage partner pre-determined (as in its written that you will marry a specific person, and in the end, you'll always be led to that person no matter what you do/don´t do) ???

The other thing is, everyone always says to me that you will marry someone of your own "race" (ie if you're pakistani a pakistani person, if you're indian than an indian person, if you're an arab than an arab person) beacause marrying someone from a different culture will lead to complicationsin the future due to different customs and even though the husband/wife may speak a common language - like english - the family may not speak this language and this is a potential barrier. But I don´t think this logic follows, because you don´t marry someone for their family, but you marry them because they're a good muslim and you get a long and are attracted to one another. Who's right?

Third thing, if you like someone at university, but haven´t done commited zina or anything, how can you approach the girl for her hand in marriage if you don't know her family? and how can you tell she likes you if you like her?

And my friend has said tourism is haram? is that true, so you can't take your family for a break or holiday anywhere??? And what if you're potential wife disagrees on you being so "strict", what then?

Thanks for any help you give me.


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6 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, Youth,

    Alhamdulillah you are questioning everything, this is very good, you are trying to put everything it the right place. What I am going to offer you is my personal opinion and experiences about all this facts:

    Tourism, when you have your family if you can afford it you can visit the world and know different cultures and enjoy different places, that will enrichen all of you. Well, I would be cautious about the places where to go but apart from what I know about some muslim families, is that when they are on holidays they move to other places to visit family and at the same time they visit different places from the world.

    If you find a girl you like, see if you can approach her to tell her your intentions and if she agree, ask her directly to meet her family, more than this is not possible.

    Which is the best partners? only Allah(swt) knows, you have to ask for Allah(swt) guidance, I am not able to answer that question. You will know at the right time, insha´Allah.

    Thank you very much for making me think, you got me to the point where my only answer is to look for Allah(swt) guidance, this is a blessing to acknowledge who I really am, an imperfect human being.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

  2. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Insha'Allah I will answer to the best of my ability. Your first question about a marriage partner being pre-determined? Only Allah knows. But here is what I feel. Since there are so many divorces within the Muslim community I think that Allah(SWT) has allowed us to choose our own spouse. After all, we have already been told what to look for in a spouse when we have decided to get married. The problem is that many of us don't follow the guidelines already given to us.

    As for marrying some outside of your culture, there is nothing wrong with it. Your main concern should be whether or not this person is a good Muslim. Are there challenges within a cross cultural marriage? Of course, but there are challenges in marriages where both parties are of the same culture. There is no guarantee a marriage is going to be successful because you are from the same background. The thing that makes a successful marriage is respect and communication. If you remember those things then you will have a good marriage no matter who you marry. What I have told you here is from experience, so I know it works.

    As for tourism? Tourism itself if not haram. What you choose to do while you are touring could be haram. Example. If I choose to go and visit Dubai, and I decide that I want to go to the beach where all the Europeans hang out, and I decide I want to watch the ladies, well that is haram. But if I decide that I want to see the cultural aspect of Dubai, visit the different masjids and sit in an Islamic class then tourism is not haram. If I choose to go visit Las Vagas, which is called "Sin City" and I go to the strip where all the gambling is then that is haram. So, it all depends on what you choose to do when you are touring. You can choose a haram tour or one that is halal. It's up to you.

    I hope that I have answered your question. If I have not then please write again. There are other editors who can answer your questions.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

    • I agree with everything brother Abdul Wali has written. While Allah knows the future and knows everything you will do, He has given us free will. We are able to choose our own marriage partners, and when we get married we must make an effort to make the marriage successful.

      As Abdul Wali said, there's nothing wrong with marrying someone from a different culture. In fact it can be fun and educational, and it helps to build social ties in the Ummah and break down national barriers and racial barriers.

      If a girl says no to your proposal, don't worry about her telling her friends or whatever. You have not done anything wrong. Hold your head up high and be yourself. There is no shame in trying. You can't succeed if you don't try.

      I don't think it's a good idea for couples to live with their parents. We get so many questions on this website from people who are in that situation and it's almost always a mess. If you have to stay close to look after your parents, then get an apartment or house down the street, or close by.

      Wael Editor

  3. Assalamualaikum

    Thanks for you answers 🙂 they have been most helpul.

    One doubt remains though. when you do ask the muslim girl, and tell her that you like her. theres that doubt at the back of your head saying "your too young" and "what is she says no". because
    1) i am young at the moment (as in for providing provisions etc).
    2) if she says no, and i see her day-to-day. things may get awkward. being a girl (not to be sexist or over generalising) she will probably confide in her friends what happened, and then i'll be to shy to do anything around anyone of the people who know what i asked her ...

    lastly. i want to ask a more general question. what do you do if your to be wife may not want to live with your parents, for privacy reasons, but its still your obligation to look after your parents???

    Just want to add. this is a great website masha'Allah. reading other peoples situations is helping me improve myself, opening my mind in terms of thinking, helping me help others, and keeping out of "dodgy" situations!

    Jazakallah Khair for everything!

    • Walaykum as salam, Youth,

      This are just my personal opinions, please take them with a pinch of salt.

      Well you are a young man and you are still not able to provide for a girl, then wait a bit to be able to propose, if you are too young to provide maybe you are too young to marry, then you should focus on your studies to get a good job, insha´Allah and being able to support your own family, insha´Allah.

      If the day comes and you propose and the girl says no, you are a straight muslim man, not a deal with that, you have gone straight and she is in the right to choose, then being a straight muslim man you won´t have any problem with that, you are following Allah´s guidance, if you felt attracted and she doesn´t , just let it go, being respectful, doesn´t matter, why should you give importance to rumours or others whisperings, you must keep the Peace in your Heart gained with your straight behaviour, insha´Allah.

      You should ask the girl not to have surprises, you may have surprises later anyway, but better to tell just in case that is very important for her, but you know what I do believe if a woman feels you are her man, she will go with you anywhere, I hope you will find the woman that will marry you to walk together with you in this life, being with you through the good and the not so good times, till Jannah, insha´Allah.

      Jazak Allahu Khairan for your appreciation.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

  4. Bismillah al rahman al raheem

    Wa salam Youth,

    I will try to answer the question of: "Is marriage pre-determined in Islam?"
    Pre-determination or Decree by Allah (al-Qadar)

    Pre-determined things by Allah...does not mean you have no choice.

    Marriage is one of the things that Allaah has decreed. The person whom you will marry is known to Allaah: He knows who she is, when she was born, where and when she will die, how she will be towards you, and other details. All of that is known to Allaah and He has written it in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz (the Book of Decrees), and it will inevitably come to pass as Allaah has decreed.

    If Allaah has decreed that you will marry one person, but you choose someone else, then no matter how long it takes, you will marry that person. But your marriage to someone else is also decreed, because there is nothing that is not decreed by Allaah. It may be decreed for a woman to marry So and so the son of So and so, and he comes to propose marriage but she refuses him, and marries someone else, then he (the second man) dies or divorces her, then she accepts the first one. All of that is decreed, and it is decreed for her to marry So and so the son of So and so after initially refusing him and after some experience or trials etc.

    It may be decreed for a woman that a righteous man will propose marriage to her, but she will refuse him and he will never come back to her, and she will marry and live with someone else who is more or less righteous, according what Allaah has decreed.

    Because man does not know what is decreed for him, what he must do is to adhere to sharee’ah and abide by its commands and prohibitions, and to seek the help of Allaah and pray to Him for guidance (istikhaarah) concerning all his affairs, whilst implementing the means, one of the most important of which is consulting sincere people who have relevant experience.

    If a righteous man proposes marriage to a woman, she should pray to Allaah for guidance (istikhaarah) and agree to marry him. If things then go smoothly, this is an indication that what is good for her is to marry him.

    In conclusion, man should study the sharee’ah of Allaah and follow the commands of Allaah even if he feels reluctant, and avoid what Allaah has forbidden even if he is attached to it. All goodness is to be found in obeying sharee’ah. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Jihaad (holy fighting in Allaah’s Cause) is ordained for you (Muslims) though you dislike it, and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allaah knows but you do not know”

    [al-Baqarah 2:216]

    He should not look at al-qadar as an excuse to ignore commands and do forbidden things, rather he should look at it in a way that will make him content with whatever painful experiences happen to him.

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