Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Advice on Irritating and disappointments in Matrimonial relationship

Asslamo Alaikum,

I am very worry now a days and full of disappointments due to my marriage life. I have been asking Allah to make me firm and patient in my current family issues but now a days I am losing my patient which in turns making me anger or introvert. I tell you about my history by which you may give me better advise.

I live in Pakistan and I married 4 Years ago now having two toddlers. My wife is Muslim and having good knowledge on Islam. Being in the traditional Joint Family system, in the beginning of marriage we have had good relationship between us and also with my parents (Parents in laws for my Wife) and brothers but after the marriage of my younger brother having a new-comer brother's wife things got changed. Being most of day time out regarding my job, I don't know what happened exactly, that my mother said she can't live with us and got us separated in upper portion of house. I thought now things would settle down, but it got worsen like a cold-war started in the family. My wife complain more and more about my family, she gets angry and scold my family in front of me still she wasn't fight with my parents or brother's family but she gets more fights with me. Satire, scold, outspoken and verbally abuse the kids making me annoy and disgust of her. In turn I also fight but due to my kids and I get silent and let her shouting. My parents doesn't know bout it that we fight like this. For them my wife is not compatible hence they don't interfere in my matters at all. She does't always wrong but she is right sometimes but how she explains her point by shouting and anger, loses the emphasis. Except her fighting and dominating behavior she is good house wife, keeping good care of kids and house hold chores but all these things vanishes while fight.

Being in the eastern joint family system, Now I stuck that my parents won't happy with me and on other hand, I can't leave my wife. I am in a continuous state of hell and fight in mind that I lost all my joys and enthusiasm in life. In all day I overcome my feelings but then we fight and all goes in vain.

I urge my Islamic Brothers and Sisters, to please advise/guide me what should I do to save my home.

  1. To leave my parents home and live separately
  2. To listen and see silently to keep things going by till death
  3. I talked to wife to settled down the issues but she complains about my family behavior somewhere she is right and somewhere she does't
  4. Talk to my parents but I think they couldn't find solution but to scold back my wife and it would be a continuous loop between my parents and wife.

I apologize for lengthy post but I hope it serves to a better advise.


Islamic Brother


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5 Responses »

  1. Salam.

    Your wife and your kids are your priority. IN FACT ITS already stated in Islam, that you are encouraged to go and stay together with your wife. I don't know why your parents are acting this way towards your wife. Its very unislamic thing to do. And I don't blame your wife for acting the way she does.

    Although her shouting towards you is definitely not right. You should have put your foot down the first time she did. That way she would not have done it again to you. I advice you to sit down and talk through this with her calmly. Be firm with her that she cannot act that way with you. And ask her to be patient regarding your parents. Its one of the quality Allah loves most in servants.

    Also try talking with your parents as to why they are acting this way. Looks like you are ignoring the way they are acting towards your wife. Just because they are your parents doesn't not mean you have to be silent. You still need to address if you see anything wrong that they do but in a respectful manner.

    Your wife might also be feeling insecure since a new daughter in law has been welcomed into the family. She might feel like she is being shoved away and kept away to make way for the newest member of the family.

    If your wife is acting this way. That means definitely your parents are bothering her on a daily basis and she must be feeling very upset, hurt and angry. I really advice you to search more on living by yourself in Islam. I encourage for you to do this. Its maybe what your parents and wife needs. Distance will do all of you good. Allah knows best. All the best. Hope things work out.

  2. Salam!
    First of all, u r a nice person who wants to sort this out but u need a little more courage to do this..According to ur post ..i concluded that ur wife perceieved certain amount of challenge and insecurities due to the new entry in ur home which was a counter relation to her ..its very natural in most cases to feel tht way..the things she ignored at first seeing ur bhabhi gettingn treated better than her ..maybe became intolerable for her..
    On the other hand,ur parents have certain previleges over u..they can be wrong as a person but still they are ur parents and u cant acheive jannah without pleasing them..
    So here ur role is obviously important..
    First of all,islamically ur wife is not compelled to serve ur parents bt u are!
    U have to be strict as well as balanced witth her that she must feel secure and she would have to shun her mistreatment with u n children as well..u can keep her in a separate home if u can afford..but thts ur duty to serve ur parents and give them ur time...and u have to handle objections if they have..u have to act stringly enough to handle pressures and eventually it will settle down..b more courageous in front of all and take the lead ..ur wife will get tht u r the man in the home and she must behave ..Offer prayers and seek Allah's help!

  3. Salam,

    You could just move to your own place. I think the fight is really between the new daughter in law and your wife. Once you move I think the fighting will go down.

    As a side note, I'm reminded of this story: So this guy with 15 kids goes to a Rabi and says that he's really troubled by his 15 kids. They fight too much and he can't take it. The Rabi suggests that he get a goat. The man wonders how getting a goat will solve his problem. So he listens to the advice and gets a goat. The goat drives him nuts and after a month he comes back to the Rabi and tells him that the goat is even more unbearable than the kids. So the Rabi says to get rid of the goat. The man does and returns and says that he's very happy now that the goat is gone.

    The moral of the story is that people complain about what they have until they get put into a worse situation. Then when that which is worse is removed, they are relieved to be back to what they had difficulty in bearing. I thought I'd tell you this story so perhaps you have an easier time dealing with your current situation. Salam.

    • I've heard that story! Though in the version I heard first it was a goat, then a cow, dog, cat, and sheep, the situation getting worse and worse each time, until he got rid of them all.

      Wael Editor

      • Salam Wael,

        Thank you! I don't quite remember the story that well so maybe you want to say it. I don't even remember if there were 15 kids.

        Happiness is so relative in this life. I remember someone saying that a guy was upset that his kids kept getting into his Mercedes. And as a joke I thought to myself, see, rich people have problems too. But in reality sure they're different problems that someone poorer wouldn't consider a problem but they can cause just as much stress.

        For this poster the fight is stressful, but for someone else they are in the same situation but their wife just died.

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