We married secretly and my husband had an affair with another woman
Extra-marital affairs
asalam-alikum
I am a 22 year old female. I followed Sunnism till the age of 20, but since two years i am a practicing Shia by will. My husband is a Shia too, and he never imposed or ordered me to follow Shiat. It came from within. we were both madly in love and decided to get married. Its been MashAllah 5 months now, and so far i beleive that i made the right choice.
No one, except the Imam Sahab and the lawyer knows of our marriage. we both live our normal usual daily life at our own places. And we get to see each other at the university as we are both doing medicine and are classmates.
As we are husband and wife now, Ahamdullilah, we do feel strongly for each other, our intimate life is next to zero. thats because we dont have a place to be alone at and hence get easily frustrated at small things. Only after 3 months of marriage, he had an affair with another girl and wanted to divorce me. but by the grace of Allah, he is back to me again and realizes his mistake and is embarassed.
I dont know how to react to it. since he has ditched me already, this soon, am I to trust him for the rest of my life ? can i rely on him? I still am insecure always, thinking of how he could do that to me. Although I have forgiven him wholeheartedly but i still cant forget it at all. he lied to me keeping an extra marital affair for a month.
We plan to disclose it to our parents, once we are done with our graduation. and that day is soon to come. Amen. may i please know how do I persuade my parents? what should I say to them?
Another problem is that we committed fornication before marriage and he cliams that he did nikkah out of deen only and did not love me back then. but now he does. I am super confused. What do i do?
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Sister, I cannot comment on whether your marriage is valid... as I am unsure of that myself seeing as you had an Imam present. However, I do know that the consent of the brides wali (usually the father) is required, and I believe that there is a very strong blessing in getting this consent and approval.
Another reason it is good for the woman to actually have the blessing of her family is that she receives the backing of her family... Your family become a support for you, and they act as security almost. Consider, would your husband have threatened to leave you had your families known? Both would have no doubt acted as mediators.
Your husbands character does not come across in a good light sister, he married you in secret, he had an affair in secret, he was about to leave you in secret, he is leading a double life and no doubt you are in the dark over many of his secrets (and I know this from the experience of my cousin)... There is nothing good in keeping something secret...
He is telling you he did not love you when he married you, but felt obliged to marry you in secret... but then he had an affair and now he has realised he is in love with you... Maybe he has, but I personally feel he is saying this to keep you on his side... I personally feel you should ask him to tell your parents straight away, your parents have raised you, they have Alhamdulillah enabled you to be studying in a medical school and no doubt want the best for you.
Maybe even if your parents had known, he could still have behaved in this way towards you, but really sister, think about this long and hard, and the characteristics he is showing you... He has proven to be unreliable, and has lied to you - no doubt he told you he loved you when you fornicated, and then he retracted this saying that he hadn't. He seems to not be treating you right at all, and entering the marriage with you like this seems really disrespectful towards you...
Also, he thought to repent his fornication by doing this 'nikah of deen' but then he had an affair - how is he repenting this time? I am sorry I am being a little mean, and maybe it is not what you want to hear but you need to consider why he is behaving the way he has, and this might make it a little clearer to you as to what you should do next...
I know it is going to hurt your parents to hear of this, and maybe you can consider the way in which you go about telling them in order to soften the blow they will no doubt feel, but surely it will hurt them as much to hear this before your graduation than after.. why are you waiting? The longer you leave it, the harder it will be and the more painful for them to realise you lied for so long...
Sister, I say this and I reveal my ignorance, I have no understanding of the difference between shia and sunni (my parents raised me Sunni/Sufi) but I have heard talk of this thing that Shias believe in temporary marriage which according to what I know is actually forbidden to do.. Did you have a proper nikah?
I am sorry if I offended you to say this and it is probably that I am wrong, but I thought I should ask, because it may explain his treatment of you... (sorry)
Also test the waters, how does he feel about going to tell his parents and yours - he loves you, you are his wife, he should want to shout this from the rooftops, no? Sister if he constantly makes excuses, consider, he will drag this out, string you along, and then he may just leave you... I am being quite pessimistic but I genuinely in my heart believe nothing good EVER comes out of such a massive lie/secret!!!
May Allah guide you to the right path, the path of those who He favours, not of those who have deserved His anger, or were led astray. Ameen.
I will pray for you. Do istikhara and keep firm in your salah. x
Well, he did tell me about Mutah-The temporary marriage.
Alhamdullilah , i have had proper nikkah done .
anything other then telling my parents? he firmly disagrees. he wont do it. and doesnt let me do that either.
Sister, you are by concealing this marriage, making it worse for yourself in the long-run, what if he leaves you before you even tell your parents. To whom will you go to, to ask for guidance and help in making the marriage work?
If you are planning to inform your parents "soon" then why not now. They will be just as much hurt and trouble then as they will be now, there is no difference.
I really am worried sister. Why does he not want to tell his family about you? What if his parents in their ignorance of his marriage, arrange his marriage to someone else? What if he has another affair, and decides to marry her also by nikah of deen?
Sister, there really is nothing good in keeping secrets.
Your parents are YOURS. They love and protect you. By hiding this from them you do yourself a massive disservice.
Please think about it.
i have had no guidance. i am just 22. and he is 20 . I am super stucked. at one place he claims to have never loved me. and now he claims to have fallen in love.
Allah help me Please
and you kindly pray for things to get fixed. thanks.
Sister, I am 21 myself and really really understand what you may be going through.
what I mean by no guidance is that because your parents don't know, how can you ask them to help you if this boy is changing his feelings about you and causing distress, as well as going after another girl.
If they knew about your marriage they would not ask you to leave him maybe, they might however give your reassurance and guidance. Things they cannot give you because they do not know,
I will pray that Allah guides you to the right path.. x
"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of the people unless they change what is in their hearts." [13:11]
No you havn't done the proper nikah. Infact you havn't gotten married at all. Subhana'Allah. Your marriage is invalid. He is not your husband.
sister, you have put your self in a mess. in a quiet time at night , pary to Allah and then ask yourself....what am i doing? all in the name of love! Love that doesnot give you respect or rights.
like you have done nikkah secretly, get a divorce as well. keep it a secret as well. dont torture your family with it.never mention it to anyone.
get out of this sin sister, do yourself this favour.
pray to Allah to guide you to the right path. look what this love has done to you. you are now following a religion , that is a deviant of the true religion. nothing good will come out of this lie.
i think deep inside your heart ,you know you have done wrong, and you are now wishing you can find a way out of this. theres only one way out of this ......leave this sin, leave this man, turn back to Allah....... you havnt lost everything yet.
Divorce though allowed, but not appreciated in Islam. to me its a deadly sin. Any other way out? i can not do without him. he is my husband after all.
Sister, hiding marriages from your parents is also not appreciated in Islam... Honestly sister I am not judging, and I really feel for you... I just feel that you know something is wrong, which is why you asked a question here to begin with, yet you seem to be rejecting the advice which is being given to you. I know you might be looking for a solution to help your difficulties but sister maybe the reason you are confused, and unsure of what to do is that you have deviated from the right path.
I would suggest you start praying 5 times a day if you already are not, and doing constant zikr, as well as working on becoming re-attuned with your heart as well as the love for Allah SWT.
Divorce is NOT a deadly sin. Fornication is a deadly sin. Being unmarried with him and doing what a lawful husband and wife does constitute a zina relationship. Therefore, Allah's wrath is still on you, it'll remain with you untill and unless you get back to your parents or make this marriage halal and come back to mainstream Islam.
Once again, He is NOT your husband. You can never marry yourself without the permission of your guardian. Whether sunni or shia, both sects needs woman to have guardian's permission for marriage. Don't try to justify your actions sister, don't try to bend Allah's law, you have gotten Islamic advice, and now you've got to act according to it before Allah's punishment comes on you suddenly. I wish there was an easy way out, but fact is, just walk away and come back to sunni, the jaama'a.
but you need to ask if the imaam acted as her wali if so for a valid reason then her marriage is valid
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SECRET RELATIONSHIP IN Al-ISLAM. We need to paste this on the front page of ask bilqis. The Sunna of Walima from the male's side is a public declaration of a relationship.
Assalamualaikum,
As per the practices of the pious predecessors, who followed the footsteps of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, a marriage without a Wali and two witnesses is invalid. So per the Islamic Shareeah, your relationship stands invalid and any physical relationship between yourself a sin.
He convinced you to move away from the practice of the beautiful Sunnah, you deserve much better. LEAVE HIM, ask him to just pronounce divorce. But even if he does not, your relationship was anyway never valid, so in sha Allah that would make no difference.
Come back to the way of Rasoolullah Sallallauu Alaihi Wasallam, the way of the Sahaabah Radiyallahu Anhum, the way of our Salaf as Saliheen Rahimahumullah. In sha Allah, our Lord will forgive your sins - do Tawbah then.
Our Lord is full of Mercy and Forgiveness, His Mercy certainly overpowers His Wrath.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
there was this lawyer , his friend and the imam sahab. i dont want this marriage to end. please. any other way out? dont be judgemental. but i too am stucked.
I think what Brother Muhammad meant, is you said at your nikah, it was you, this man, the Imam, and the Lawyer
You need for a nikah a Wali (your father) to give consent - which he did not, and this consent is CRUCIAL or the nikah is invalid.
You need a proposal from the groom (you had this)
Acceptance from the bride (you had this)
An Imam to recite the khutbah
and also two witnesses - you had the lawyer, and the grooms friend. But no wali.
Imam can only act as Wali if there is no one at all to be the wali for the bride - i.e., he father, her uncles, grandfather is no more and she is alone. You are not alone alhamdulillah.
So I think this is what the brother means.
He can then, if he wants to properly propose to you and come to your house, ask permission from your wali. But will he do this?
yes. inshallah. he says, he will do this, but not before he is in the good standing. that would take long.
If he will do it, then you've got to wait for it. You must not act like you both are husband and wife. You are NOT. Your sins of zina etc will keep on increasing and before you may realise, the problems, future troubles etc are all piled up and will come down hitting you one by one. You must stay away from him, till he marry you the Islamic way. He is nothing but a cheating stranger (his other girlfriend) for now.
IF you think, it is permissible to stay with him till he marry you the halal way, then consider you have mocked Allah, astaghfirullah. You're not a lawmaker, therefore obey Allah's law to attain paradise. Else hell is waiting.
I wouldn't be suprise if you come back to this website months months later complaining of that man cheating on you once again and wanting a "divorce".
Remember sister, its been only 3 months and he asked for "divorce". Does this act sounds like a great husband? He cheated on you, didn't he ? Does this sounds like a trust worthy man ? Is this how a role model for you future kids should be ? He said he didn't love you and then he did mut'ah nikkah with you just for deen, is this what deen is about ? Are you willing to give up jannah and continue this illegal/haram relationship ?
So many cons indeed. Think about it. Take all the advises from here and put it to action insha'Allah.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
First of all, your marriage is INVALID, NULL, VOID.
There are four absolutely obligatory conditions for a marriage or ‘nikaah’ to be deemed lawful in the Sight of Shariah and of Allah :
-Proposal by one party and acceptance by theother.
-The determination of ‘mehr’ for the bride.
-The availability of at least two witnesses to the marriage contract.
-The consent of the parents/guardians (wali) of the bride.
If even one of the above four obligatory conditions of a ‘nikaah’ are not honored, the marriage will not be deemed lawful, null and void in the Sight of Shariah Law and of Allah. And if lived under same roof, constitute zina relationship.
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2078 Narratedby Aisha, Ummul Mu`minin
The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: "The marriage of a woman who marries without the consent of her guardians (wali) is void." (He (Prophet) said these words three times.)
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3137 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "A woman may not give a woman in marriage, nor may she give herself in marriage, for the IMMORAL woman is the one who gives herself in marriage."
Imam Nawawi stated,
“A woman’s word in marriage, in the offer or acceptance of marriage is not valid."
Ibn Hibban related it on the authority of Aishah with the wording, “There is no marriage except with a guardian and two upright witnesses, and what is besides that is invalid.”
It is unlawful in Shariah Law for a woman to give herself in marriage, or to marry someone without the prior consent of her ‘wali’ (parents, guardians, etc.).
If the parents/wali/guardians of the bride are believers, and if a woman marries someone without the prior consent of her ‘wali’, or if any of the above listed four absolutely obligatory conditions on a ‘nikaah’ are violated….that marriage contract will be deemed null and void in the Sight of Allah Subhanah and in the Sight of Shariah Law.
Secondly, pre-marital relationship is forbidden in Islam. NO GF/BF
"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a great sin and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa)
"And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful." (al-Furqaan 25)
"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty..." (An-Noor)
Therefore REPENT for the sins you've committed. Allah will insha'Allah forgive you if you repent sincerely. Repenting sincerely meaning stop communicating with your bf all together and regretting the disgusting things you've done together.
Thirdly, that man who you've imagined you got married to is a cheater, he is a deceiver, a play boy. It is almost clear that he did a " nikaah mut'ah " (pleasure marriage) with you. This type of marriage is forbidden in Islam. He married you temporarily, and this is evident when you said
. i wouldn't be suprise if he actually divorce you in the the coming few months when he finds another girl. Who in their right sane mind would want to divorce their wife in 3 months of their love marriage ?? Who knows he might have committed fornication with that other girl. He might make you pregnant and then divorce you only Allah knows. Please leave him right away. This man is rediculous. He didn't do anything for deen. he is using and playing with you. Deen doesn't teach to have extra-marital affairs. wake up sis, take heed before its too late. You anyway can't be with him anymore as you are never married. stop sinning and ask your parents for help if you wanted to get married. Remember this " As you sow, so shall you reap ". Don't wait for Allah's punishment to come. Once it comes, there is no refuge.
Lastly, you've left the mainstream Islam and joined a deviant group just because of an evil play boy. He tricked you into a temporary marriage which is only halal in shiasm. If you dont agree with me, fine, but why did he want to divorce you only after 3 months ? Think about it.
Al-Tirmidhi HadithHadith 171 Narrated byAbdullah ibn Amr
Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: "... the people of Isra'il were fragmented into seventy-two sects my Ummah will be fragmented into seventy-three sects. All of them will be in Hell Fire except one sect. They (the Companions) said: Allah's Messenger, which is that? Whereupon he said: It is one to which I and my companions belong."
Transmitted by Tirmidhi.
"The People of the Two Scriptures divided into seventy-two sects. This Ummah will divide into seventy-three sects, all in the Fire except one, that is, the Jama`ah (mainstream Islam). Some of my Ummah will be guided by desire, like one who is infected by rabies; no vein or joint will be saved from these desires.’’”
This hadith was also narrated by Abu Dawood (2/503), Ahmad (4/102) and al-Haakim (1/128)
Therefore sister, come back to the straight path. The path of Allah, our Prophet (PBUH) and his companions and the rightly guided caliphs Abu Bakr RA, Umar RA, Uthman RA and Ali RA and so on. Follow the AHL SUNNAH WAL JAMA'AH like you have been following till you were 20.
Do your duties towards Allah. Fear Allah and insha'Allah He will forgive you. do lots of tawbah.
"Do not despair of God's mercy; He will forgive you of all your sins".Qur'an (39:53).
"Except those who repent, have faith and good deeds, those Allah will charge their sins for good deeds. Certainly Allah is most forgiving and merciful." (Qur'an 25:70)
How to repent?
For repentance to be accepted by Allah, one should go through these four stages:
1- Stop the sin.
2- Regretting deeply and truly for the sin you committed.
3- Return to Allah for forgiveness.
4- Strong intention never to return to that same sin again.
What would help in fulfilling the above four stages?
The repenting person should remember three facts:
1. The grave consequence of sins.
2. The painful punishment for sins and
3. How week a person is when committing such sins.
Abu Bakr Al siddiq (May Allah be pleased with him), narrated:
"I heard Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) saying: ‘There isn’t a man who, when he commits a sin, rises, makes ablution, and offers two rak'as of prayers, but Allah forgives his sins.’
Allah says in the Qur'an:
"Those (are the true believers) who, when they commit an evil deed, or wrong their souls, remember Allah, and seek forgiveness for their sins - and who but Allah forgives sins? They do not insist upon the sins they have committed, and they know (that Allah is forgiving)." (Qur'an 3:135)
Allah is watching.
thankyou so much for all of the response. I would want the editor to reply too. Please. i will definitely think of it and come to a conclusion.
@Mehak walaikumassalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
can i know why you left sunni ?
&
whats your conclusion ?
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!