Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Affair with married Muslim man and we had a child together!

responsibility

Hello, I myself am not a Muslim but would appreciate advice from anyone willing to give me advice on a very hard situation myself and my son are in.

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED.

I live in Melbourne, Australia. Those who don't know much about Australia, it's very tolerable and common for women and men to engage in public. I met Ali, a Lebanese Muslim in late 2014 at a cafe after work. I was sitting by myself outside enjoying my coffee when he politely asked for a lighter. He then asked if he didn't mind if he sat down, as all the cafe tables were occupied. I say yes. He sat down. I introduced myself and we began to chat. We ended up happily talking for almost 5 hours. It was 10:00pm and the cafe was closing. As I got up to say goodbye and go our seperate ways, he insisted we meet again on the weekend for dinner. I accepted and we exchanged numbers.

We met on the Saturday night. I thought it was a friendly dinner but I soon realised his intentions were more than just a friendly dinner. He pulled out the chair, were cheered over a glass of wine, and he picked up the bill. He walked me back to the car, kissed me on the cheek and said "Call me when you get home beautiful, so I know your safe". I felt butterflies as I was very attracted to his personality and physically. I called him and we were on the phone for 3 hours. And we agreed to meet the next day at my house to go for a walk. Long story short, we started seeing each other every or every 2 days. Meeting for coffee and casual catch ups

About 4 months into knowing each other we began an intimate relationship. It continued for a few months. We'd stay at each others house and we were crazy for each other.

One morning I woke up and I just didn't feel right so decided to take a pregnancy test just to reassure myself I wasn't expecting. To my surprise I was pregnant. I was so excited as I was seeing Ali that night. I told him the exciting news and to my surprise his reaction was not so exciting. He said no you have to have an abortion and immediately left. I was heart broken as an abortion was just not an option. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks.

When I finally heard from him, he confessed he was married yet separated to his estranged wife and they had 3 children. I was devastated and couldn't believe he had a family. I tried my hardest to keep calm as I repeatedly asked why would you do this to your wife and kids. My heart sunk in overwhelming guilt. He then went on to say nobody can know about us. Nobody. After that I changed my number and ended all contact. He'd come to my house and beg for me to answer but I didn't want to hear what he had to say. Myself, my son and his family had been bought into a situation that was unforgivable.

My son is now 7 weeks old. Ali hasn't met him now but now my sons here I want him to have a relationship with his dad. But can't get over the guilt I have about his family not knowing of him being unfaithful.

What should I do? Tell his wife or just let it go and let him in our sons life?

Thank you.

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11 Responses »

  1. Dear Ausie sister
    I am Muslim but not scholar but might I have passed through the same experience I am sorry I cannot explain here so done is done happened already happened sin is sin either we Muslim or non Muslim ,first of all he should not advice you for the abortion caused abortion in Islam completely strictly unlawful act it's the same like we are killing some one,so he must get marriage with you legally and support you and the son and for this MAY Allah open your heart to convert to Islam if he is Muslim,and he should later inform his family or wife even before he get marriage he can tell to his family he should convince them,only this is the solution,at least your son will be legal and father,,or if not possible for him than let him marriage you and later divorce at least the baby will be with legal ducoments,,if still no chance or way that he will agree than leave all for almighty Allah,Allah will punish him one day you better to look for right person who will accept you along your cute son thanks

    • Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. He did ask me to marry him about 2 weeks ago. Under the condition I tell his family my so belongs to someone else. I'm not a liar and I couldn't go through with it. I tried to tell him I don't want my son to grow up with a father that lies to save himself.

      My son is a Muslim. I plan on converting for my own reasons not for the sake of getting married. Because Islam was the only comfort I knew through my pregnanc up until now. And Inshallah I'll be a good role model to my son

      • My dear sister,
        I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am glad you have decided to convert for your own sake. I would also advise you to not marry this man for several reasons-
        1. He is, as you admitted a liar. HOw can you be sure he will be true and not lie to you if he wants you to lie to his family, etc.?
        2. He asks you to deny the paternity of your son when he is the rightful father. How devastating for your son if her were to find out when he grows up???? Your son has a right to know who his true father is and in Islam, ALL children are known by their father's name. So this is another bad quality and not one that I am sure you would like to subject your sweet little baby to later on in life when he grows up.
        3. Is he planning on hiding you from his wife and other kids as well? I bet he is based on what you have told us and that is not a good situation either. Polygamy is very hard and it will be a real test for you and for his other wife if he ever tells her. But word always seems to get around. Also you need to have a marriage party so everyone knows you are married to him so if he says he does not want to have one for you or he does not have the money- no deal- he is trying to hide your marriage. Just something for you to think about.
        4. He drinks alcohol which is forbidden in Islam. THis tells us that he again is not a respectable Muslim and are you sure you want someone like him to be the role model for your child???
        5. As someone else pointed out, he will most likely play around on you too even if you are married to him. Do you want the chance to get a sexually transmitted disease or worse? THis has happened to some women with husbands like this man. You also do not want to get AIDS or anything that "'might"" take you away from your son later on in life when he will still be young. NOr do you want to be stuck with an STD/STI that is not curable such as herpes or genital warts etc. NOt pleasant at all and as a healthcare provider I can tell you some conditions can be passed to you without his knowledge or yours and finally some of them hurt when you have them. Please research this.
        THere are several other things that I can point out but I think you get the gist. He is not a respectable or honorable man and I truly hope you decide NOT to marry him as I am sure you CAN find the right person for you out there.Take care of yourself and your sweet son.
        FYI: About tellin his wife, I weighed the hurt she would have unless she is familiar with his personality which she very well may be, and I think you should tell her just in case so she can protect herself and get tested for STDs/STI just in case he was with anyone else who might have had something. I know you probably already had testing with your pregnancy but he could have been with someone else and been treated without telling her in the past. I would want to protect her and her children if you know what I mean.
        FYI, she will probably be very angry with you even if you did not know he was not married. This is just how these things usually work out.

        • Dear sister,
          Thank you for understanding and your sympathy. I completely agree with what you said. I'm a very honest person. And I want my son to grow up to be as good of a Muslim as possible. So I do not like the fact his father is a compulsive liar. And the fact he wants to deny him to save himself. My son is such a lovely little boy whose always happy and smiling. And I'm worried his dad will tarnish that. I want to protect my son but feel I can't with his fathers actions. I will not marry a person who preaches Islam in one breathe and then disregards it the next

          As for his wife. My sons fathers sister has advised me to tell her for those reasons and many others. I know she'll be beyond mad at me which is understandable. But I'm willing to hear whatever she has to say in order to save her health. She, her kids, my son and myself deserve so much better. I'm worried for his children. I know their going to be heart broken. And knowing I have an involvement in that destroys me. Words will never explain the guilt I have for them and my son.

          • Alicia: As for his wife. My sons fathers sister has advised me to tell her for those reasons and many others. I know she'll be beyond mad at me which is understandable. But I'm willing to hear whatever she has to say in order to save her health

            Why can't your husband's sister tell every thing to his first wife. You should take this man to a Sharia court in Lebanon. Why did you get involved with a married man in the first place. You should stay away from the first wife. If your husband and his family have ability to speak, they should talk to the first wife

      • Dear Alicia sister
        Thanks for your kind reply I really feel glad about your plan and thoughts ,yes you are right if you get married with same person who lie you and cheated you for sure in the future you will not be happy,yes sister MAY Allah open your heart and convert to the right path which is Islam surely Allah will help you and will open every door for you on your way,and start a new life remember that converted Muslim like a new baby means clean from every sin In sha Allah you will be the best,thanks
        Regards

        • SVS- It states I had no idea I got involved with a married man. I'm a firm believer in marriage and its purposes. Including being faithful, nor do I believe in "seperation". I want to be the one who tells her. I'm sure like any wife she'd like to know who I am. And who her husband has been laying with behind her back. And I'm in Australia, we don't have sharia law. But their are Mosques who enforce sharia law on the Muslim community. Thanks for your opinion

          Muhammad- Thank you. I still want to span my knowledge. But I'm pleased with what I've learnt so far. I went to the mosque yesterday to watch Friday prayers. I read the Quran to my son, especially when he has growing pains which settle and calm him a lot so I'm very happy. I'm wanting to start learning Arabic soon so I can recite the Quran the proper way. Good luck with Ramadan and fasting. I want to try fasting

  2. Dear Alicia,...

    Sorry to hear what are going on now...BUT congratulations for your conversion plans islam. You will feel your self MORE COMFORT and HAVE A PEACE of mine once after converting AS LONG AS YOU ARE FOLLOWING THE TRUE ISLAMIC TEACHING.

    May ALLAH easy the situation you and our son are in.

    As for this guy-Ali, I would like to advice you to leave this guy as he is not faithful to him self and to ou as well as to his family. HE MAY FIND SOME ONE ELSE EVEN AFTER HE IS ALREADY MARRIED YOU.
    That is a free and fair advice.

    Cheer.

  3. It's sad to see how weak the muslims are today....just only by name remains and for faith in turmoil....Islam condems these actions..A Muslim means one who obeys God or submits....This mean whatever God (Allah)as told our prophet Muhammad we must listen and put into practice. ....We should fear Allah at all times ....what we say what we hear what we eat especially guard our private parts....He is responsible for his actions but little that he knows that he is effected and the environment also because of the sins that is committed!... My advice , do what is natural this child needs to know that he is my father and if brushes him off ...Know this Allah Controls the heart and even if the heart is as hard as a mountain you will find water ...And please tell him that Allah will take account of this unless he makes things right and repents....I am not sounding like a religious fanatic bUT when person knows the clear picture and purpose of life then we have something to work for and that's saving everyone from the day that Allah will take account of every thing in this world.This world is a test and the muslims have been given a gift and that give is to believe that God is alone ..He has no family no sons daughters .He has no begining and no end...and no one has the right to be worshipped be it statue person anything that is a creation of Allah...And that's why all these prophets of God were sent to remind there people community nation etc....that worship Allah and obey what he has sent me with......So it is not your fault .you are innocent but let hm know...that in Islam we cannot kill anyone even a little creature such as insect....This fact.....by the way my wife is a sunni scholor and this all legit......Just be careful and wise. This boy is very precious.........Never blame him for your stress but be honest and kind.This was Muhammad the seal of all prophets The best of creation..

    • raul: Can you check with your scholar wife what should be the punishment (according to sharia) for this guy who had sex and a baby out of wedlock? What can OP do to get Islamic justice?

      • as-salaamu 'alaikum brother/sister SVS and sister Alicia,

        Without a truly Islamic nation under control of a Just ruler (khalifa) who prays, there is no sharia law except in our personal lives. As such, since there's no Islamic courts and judicial system, there's no punishment to be implemented. i.e. we can't pronounce punishment upon others without an Islamic government and its court which has gone through the judicial system after looking at the evidence on both sides.

        As for justice for the sister, it would now depend upon the state of Australia and their laws regarding relationships outside of marriage and rights of the couple, if any exist.

        As for my advice to sister Alicia...
        others, especially sister Hajjah Huda, have given some good advice.
        But I would just like to say, try not to delay becoming a Muslim, as you never know when God might choose to take your soul.
        And once you become a Muslim, although the first month or months may be happy and inshAllah you'll feel stronger in your love of God and faith, as time goes on, that may decline quite rapidly unless you keep in touch with other Muslim sisters, and attend halaqas (Islamic gathering) of sisters to learn together about Islam.

        I've noticed that there's quite a few people out there who converted to Islam, but soon, loneliness set-in as they didn't have a Muslim social circle or attending the masjid and keeping in touch with good Muslims; but they still had the social support of non-Muslims. As such eventually, many drifted out of Islam again and lost the gift which God bestowed upon them.

        One of the lost sunnah (life / example) of our beloved Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam and the rightly guided companions is that whenever a new person reverted to Islam, a Muslim neighbour or a good Muslim was paired with the revert so that they had a teacher and help with aspects of Islam and the basics of what they needed to know.

        Take care,
        and may God soften our hearts towards the love of God and the hereafter and save us from hardness of the heart and love of fleeting pleasures of this temporary life, ameen!

        Peace be with you.

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