Islamic marriage advice and family advice

An affair with my boss, then his son, but no one loves me

extramarital affair, illicit affair, two wives

An affair

I am 27 years old single girl. I am going through a very tough time in my life. I ruined and messed my own life. I have always been in desperate need of attention from my family. I wish I were not born in this family or my parents would have raised me like other parents.. My desperation took me on the wrong path.

I have always had a very distant relationship with my siblings and parents. My parents and especially my mother could never develop an open, cordial, caring and sharing relationship with me and my other sister. i used to get upset and felt like crying when my school, college and university friends talked and discussed with me about their friendly relationship with their mothers and sisters. i used to cry and hide my feelings from everyone. My parents never hugged and kissed us. Though they love us and gave us every facility but they could not develop an open and healthy relationship with us.

I have a sister who is 7-8 years elder to me. She got married with a married person who has 3 kids with first wife. He does not live with his kids and first wife. My sister is living very happily with him as it was their love marriage. I don't remember exactly but i think once we had a fight when i was very young and a school going girl. she stopped talking to me after that. she never shared anything with me. we used to talk a very little. and maybe she never felt a need to talk to me and share anything with me.

After all this, i became a very reserved and hesitant person. I felt very reluctant and never shared my feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone at home. Children do not express their feelings unless parents ask them and develop such relationship with them. I became shy and very hesitant in expressing my thoughts. It always made me depressed and I used to compare my parents to other kid’s parents. I could never have enough courage to talk to my sister and mother like other mothers and sisters do. i felt so distant.

Today I feel that my mother did not take care of my anything. Parents are responsible not only for feeding, giving clothes and education to their kids. they should instill confidence in their children. They should give them religious education and a good training. They should build their self confidence. My parents should have talked to me and my sister. They should have asked us that why are we so distant and why we are not like other sisters? But they never noticed it.  They have not done anything.

I used to get so emotional and had tears in my eyes when I saw my cousins and friends loving and talking to their mothers and sisters. I was badly in need of attention from my family. But I always felt so isolated. this isolation and desperation ruined my life.

Now i am doing a job. its been 3 years i am doing this job in the same company. my boss is 56 years old and have 3 kids. he has a daughter of my age. when i started this job, he used to ask me about my likes and dislikes. maybe he got an idea of my weak points. Then he started taking me out for lunch and said that I should take care of myself and should not miss my meal. he used to give me attention and took me out for lunch every day. I got emotionally attached to him too quickly and easily due to these things. Although i had an idea of his intentions but still i started liking him. he used to talk about his siblings and parents with me. I felt that they people love so much each others. they hug and care for each others.

I wished I were part of his family. I started longing to be his family. I wanted to meet his siblings and parents. i wanted to feel his kids love for me too. I wanted to have a frank and very good relationship with his kids like my sister has with her husband's first wife kids. I even wished to have a good relationship with his first wife. i had one thing in my mind that my sister is married with a married person and she is very happy and has a very good relation with his first wife and kids so maybe i could marry to my boss and could have everybody's love.

My boss used to say that his wife is very good by nature but she does not look attractive and is very obese. and he wanted to have someone who look attractive and could take care of his interests. one day he took me out for lunch. when we came back to office, everybody was left. he came closer.  it was very difficult for me to control. he asked me to come to his room and had sex with me without asking me. i could not stop him and then this physical relationship continued for almost 1.5 years.

During this period, I started feeling that he is only interested in sex. He hurt me mentally so many times with his gestures. He has a female ex- business partner who is very close to him. I always had a doubt that he might be having a physical relation with her as well. He always avoided talking to her in front of me. Whenever she came to office, my boss asked me not to come to his room in her presence. This made me upset and he always hurt me because of her.

My boss's elder brother died and he remained very busy with his family in those days. I wanted to support him. But he gave me no attention.  He said he is very upset and have no time for me.  After 3 or 4 days he came to office. He used his laptop. When he left, I switched on his laptop and searched for the history. There were so many porn websites in the history. He watched all that stuff. I felt very bad.  I completely turned off by his attitude, gestures, and his body language of lust. I started staying away from him. I stopped getting physical with him.

Now here comes the most miserable and regretful part of my life. His elder son is 2 years younger than me. I started talking to him because I wanted to develop a good relationship with his kids. I wanted to be his kids’s friend so they may not hate me if I married their father ( I know it sounds disgusting). I told my boss that I talked to his kids.

His son used to come with us when we went out of city for meetings with clients and on shoots.  I always had a very good and positive thinking for his son. I never had any bad intentions for him. We used to talk little while on shoot and meeting. He used to ask me about my future plans. He also asked me about my marriage plan.

I told him that I don’t want to marry here and I will be going out of country very soon and will stay there for rest of my life. I will get married with someone over there. As time went on, we started talking more and more. I never thought that his son would start having some feelings for me. One night when we came back from shoot, we were sitting together in van behind my boss's seat.  My boss was sitting on front seat. me and his son kept on talking. I liked sitting and talking to him.

After that, whenever we went out for shoot and meeting, we always wished and waited to sit together in van. My boss always sat on front seat. this brought us closer together. We started talking on text messages daily. His son is very innocent and a good guy. I could felt his feelings for me. I started thinking that why cant I be with this guy? i have a right to be happy and wish for a good and a young guy. I should not suppress my feelings. I started loving him.

He expressed his feelings that he loves me and wants to marry me. I was very happy and upset at the same time. Whatever I did with his father did not let me stay happy and satisfied. My inner conscience was never satisfied. I felt terribly miserable. On one side I was dying for his real love and wanted to accept his proposal but on the other side I was dying inside.

We kept on talking. But I never stayed happy and my heart and mind kept on telling me that I m doing very wrong with him .He wanted to come closer to me. First I refused because I did not want him to commit a sin.  I did not want to take away his innocence. I always thought that he should get a very good girl. He deserves a good and beautiful partner. Not me. But I could not stay away from him. I let him do sex with me... And one night I told him everything about my relation with his father. I could not hide the truth.

He listened everything very patiently. He knew about his father affair with his ex business partner and he was having a doubt of his father relation’s with me as well. But he never spoke and wanted to hear the truth from my mouth. After knowing all this he said he cannot continue with me anymore. He said he wants to leave me. He said we have no future and cannot marry as his father will never allow him.

He tried to leave me but he could not do so. Neither I. we continued talking and loving each other. I was very positive about our relationship. I always felt like if we put efforts together and support each other we can get married. I always had a positive hope. And this hope made me strong a little bit. I madly fall in love with him. Though he had a very little or no hope for our future. He always said that his father will never let it happen. And he cannot leave his parents.

I know he cannot take a stand for me in front of his father. He is just 26 years old, studying in college and is dependent on his father. He does not have enough courage to take a stand even for himself. May be he cannot live with my sin. He cannot forget what I have done with his father. But he has love for me in his heart. He says we cannot get married because of me. He is right. He wants to continue relationship with me until I don’t get married to someone else.  I wish he could have courage to take stand for me. I wish he could love me like anything for rest of my life. I wish he could never even think of living without me. I always wanted his real love more than sex. I never wanted to involve in sexual relationship with him.

At times, I felt irritant and get upset of his sexual desire for me. I used to argue with him that he needs sex more than my love. I used to say this because I wanted him to relax me mentally and got over all my all insecurities. I was sure that he truly loves me and he is not like his father. I wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to hang out, watched movies, eating etc. but whenever we met, we had more sex and love and little or no time for other activities.

One day he came to meet me. He was continuously using his mobile phone. I wanted to have his full attention. I asked him to show me his cell phone. He refused. He said I do not trust him. I kept insisting him to show me his cell .He said trust me or everything will be finished between us if you want to see my phone. but I kept on insisting. i said him that he comes for only sex. He got mad at me after hearing this. I repeated these words so many times so this made him furious at me.

I tried to explain him and made him understand about my state of mind but I was failed to convince him. He said I am a desperate and pessimistic girl. He said I was so desperate for love and I did very wrong with his father. After this incident, he stopped talking to me. It’s been 4 and half months since we met last time. I used to text him daily and tried to make him understand but it was all in vain.

He said he is not angry with me but he is depressed for some reason. He said he will be okay in a few days.  He did not even share anything with me. He just stopped talking to me. He ignored my every text message. I used to cry every night and missed him very badly every minute. I could not get him out of my mind. I begged Allah for forgiveness and repentance.  I begged for my every sin. I regretted every sin I committed. I asked Allah for help and mercy. I was deeply hurt by his attitude. I waited for him every morning and every night. But I got no love and positive response from him. He completely torn me up. I started losing my hopes. It was only Allah who gave me a little strength and helped me to be strong. I used to pray and asked for his forgiveness. I had no one with whom I could share all this I was going through. One day I was sitting alone in office and doing my work. I was very sad and hopeless deep inside. I was mentally very upset and started burst out crying. I could not control myself. i felt so miserable and felt like dying. One of my colleagues came to office. He saw me crying. I could not hide my tears. I told him everything. He told me that he knew about my relationship with boss. He knew everything. He has been working with my boss for the last 10 years and he knows so many things about him. He told me that my boss was having a physical relationship with his ex-partner too. This broke my heart my trust and everything. Till now I am only regretting for the big sins I have committed. I really have nothing left now. I lost everything.

Every day I pray to Allah and ask him to bring him back to me. I ask Allah to make things favorable for me. If Allah is not happy of my relationship with my boss’s son and the son too is not willing to accept me and cannot take stand for me then I ask Allah to make me strong to accept the reality and turn him away from me and turn me away from him.

I have stopped seeing and talking with my friends since a long time. I do not feel like making friends. I do not share my things with anyone. I do not feel like talking to anyone. At home, I have become a very weird and quiet person. I get irritant and hurt over small things. I burst out crying if my parents and someone do not treat me the way I wanted to be and say something bad and negative about my personality. But I always feel a pinch of guilt inside me when I misbehave with someone at home.I have lost my all patience now. I cannot control my emotions and anger anymore. I have so many complaints and find my parents and siblings responsible for my present situation. They hurt me very badly. They could not understand my feelings and needs. I wish my parents would have loved and brought me up like other parents. I want to go away from home. I have become a very depressed person. If I do not like meeting anyone in family, my parents think that I am a very arrogant girl and they believe that I m not well behaved.  It really hurts deep inside. I think they are right. But it’s not in my control now. I fear that Allah will get angry with me as I misbehave with everyone at home. I can’t complain and can never even tell my parents and siblings about my emotional state and the pain that I have been feeling deep inside me for the years. I can’t speak up. I can only think negative about me. I feel like I am the one with the problem and I am totally to blame for everything that is happening to me. I feel like I am not a good person and not even a good daughter at all. I am not good at any relationship. I think this way because my circumstances force me to think like so. But somewhere in my heart and mind I know I am a girl with very loving and sensitive heart but nobody can understand what is in my heart. I just want to go away from everyone.


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15 Responses »

  1. sister...very sad tale.

    but i think you are to blame here.
    if you felt depressed and sad, you should have turned to Allah... you should have found activities...tried going through a halal relationship ie. marriage. ( I used to know a girl...she was exactly the same as you...looooads of insecurities...self esteem issues...was not shown love etc...anyway she went around with a guy...created a really bad name for herself..and now she is known by actions she committed 10 years ago..though she has made a complete U- Turn on her past self..but like with all human beings...your sins are remembered and pious deeds forgotten)

    Instead to keeping things cooped up inside you...until they manifested in the form of relation to Islam for a period of time...being treated like a toy by those pathetic men who just want to use women for their lust and do not want to deal with the actions of their consequences ( i am a man and being a sinner myself i can atleast say that i try to keep away from these evils)

    dont fool yourself...there is not such thing as relationship acceptance in Allah's view.
    there is marriage...or nothing. quit living in sin, leave this man or marry him and please...stop getting physical with him thats like a given...

    So...please find your local mosque...look for muslim sisters there make friends...share your feelings and me it helps to talk about it.

    Follow Islam...the 5 pillars,pray regularly.
    like all of us muslims need to do...please ask for forgiveness.

    Hope that helps.

  2. May Allah make it easy for you sister. Hope things get better.

  3. Im sorry to hear this,have more self respect,for your self,you cant commit zina just for attention theres no excuses,mentaly your not stable but the only person that can you a better person is you,be more confident read salah and zikr of allah youll see how much difference this will make,plz sister have some sef worth and do not interact with na meharm

  4. Reading your story really touched me, from your words I can tell how lonely and lost you feel. I will not judge you for your actions, as you know what you did with your boss and his son was wrong and you are repenting for it.

    Our families are a test for us, for some it's a test of patience for others its a test of gratitude. But just remember every family has problems, and what you see on the outside may appear all smiles and love, isn't necessarily the case behind closed doors. Your boss is a perfect example of this, you were awed by him and his family bond/love. Yet what kind of a loving husband/father would have sexual affairs with one woman after another?

    You say you feel completely alone and no one understands you, maybe no human understands you, but Allah completely understands you. Allah loves you very much, you long so much for the love of your mother, well Allah loves you 70 times more than a mother who loves her child. Allah values and honours you, and maybe Allah wants you to realise your own value and self worth. You only need to look at the laws Allah has blessed us with, which show He wants to protect you and honour you from filthy men like your boss. The laws of hijab for both men and women are there so you will be valued beyond your sexual worth/use, the same goes for the laws of free mixing. It sounds like you were so desperate for love and attention from your family you sought this out through your boss. And he took advantage of your vulnerability and he used you for his own sexual gratification. And even with his son, whether his intention was to marry you or not, he still used you for sex. Sister you are worth so much more than this and that's why Alhamdulilah Allah took you out of this situation. So turn to Him, make Him your focus of love, attachment and devotion and In sha Allah your life will get better. Learn to love, accept and respect yourself through your own eyes, then you'll be strong enough to be emotionally independent of all humans. You will start to feel peace and contentment inside yourself. Increase your knowledge of the beauty of Islam, find out about Islamic classes in your area and attend them, go to your masjid and pray, recite quran and you will see these actions will heal your pain.

  5. Change your job. Continue to pray. Keep away from both father and son. There are many reasons for why things happened the way did, if you keep on figuring out the whys and hows you will forever keep on going in circles.
    We all want to love and be loved, that is a natural desire. We all desire the opposite gender's special companionship even if we have loving parents and siblings. But that love should come together with respect and it should be halal. Any combination besides that is unfavourable.
    You are young and have a whole life ahead of you, take a fresh start from here. Allah answers when we call on Him, believe in Him and ask for forgiveness and goodness. Build a new life for yourself. You have learnt from your experience. Dont repeat those mistakes ever. Read up books on the Islamic way of life. Neither your sister, nor your boss or his son were correct in their approach to life. Just because things panned out for them does not mean that were the right things to do. Take the correct path and approach and Inshallah, love and success awaits you with open arms.

    • Sister u exactly know this Fact deep inside you that its just the after effects and terrible efftects of sins you were in. You need to realize that the more u text him the more you will get lost in that path. Stop texting him cuz you will never get him back with Respect.
      If your family isnt doing anything for you then do something for your ownself, take stand against your nafs and get closer to Allah. remember that you will be tested with such fitnah in this world and will be rewarded here after(if you protect yourself)

  6. My feelings after reading this are that you need to address your severe depression. Yes its so easy to say Stop doing what your doing, its haram.. Yes I think as Muslim women we all know this. But the underlying issue is the state of your mental health. The problems that started in your childhood snowballed far into your adulthood. Pessimistic behavior is a huge sign that you may be lacking self-confidence and also depression.. If it's not dealt with you may repeat this cycle and continue on this wrong path in search of the missing pieces in your soul. The things we feel and do during a depressive state doesn't make up who we are. You can get through this rough patch if you decide its time to dry your tears, clean up the mess, and leave this messy situation in the past. Please do pray for help and guidance from Allah swt.. As everything is in his will. If you truly feel sorry, repent from your heart.

    Many may disagree, and 10 years ago I would have too.. But Medication can be helful if they find that ONE that is a good match for you. It took me a long time to find mine, I even gave up on trying that route at one point but I will say that prayer and medication got me back on track.❤ lots ❤ of ❤ love ❤ sister.

    May Allah swt guide you on the right path and bring you to true happiness.

  7. What you have done is terrible and disgusting and you are blaming your parents for your actions ?you slept with father and then son ?its so disgusting to think about it .Even some of animals will not do that . This is called incest . if you really want to change yourself then quit this job and restart a life in a new place with sincere repentance .how can you desire for him after sleeping with his father ?that means you have not changed yet n don't bother about Allah . don't blame others for your sin .you are sole responsible for your actions .

    • Sister don't listen to people like this one. They are ignorant and probably never suffered that kind of treatment. That's why Allah swt taught us how to treat our children and raise them. We are all products of our environment. But you can change and you will inshallah.

      • Aminah..

        it is undeniably horrible what this sister had to go through when she was younger..but .please dont make it look like everything is acceptable as long as you can claim a rebate on your sins by putting forward the victim card...its pathetic...have you gone through a similar past?

        brother/sister Anonymous calls it like it is...we cant sugar coat these things and huddle up in a group hug pretending everything is OK...guess what sis look around you and look at our state!!!

        muslims were better off in the time of Jahiliyah when a slave would take revenge on his cruel captor...but these days...we cannot even defend ourselves while atrocious things happen to us...our families our properties and all because we the so called muslim nation are "so true to their religion"

        Grow up Aminah and see the world we have created for ourselves...our legacy is pathetic and pitiful...reflecting accurately the state of our belief in our religion as well.

        • If you knew anything about psychology you would have a bit more sympathy. I never said what she did was okay.. And I'm not sugar coating anything.. But people do things they normally wouldn't do when they suffer from mental health issues. Bother to read the stories of the companions of the prophet.. Some of them murdered Muslims before becoming Muslim and Allah swt gave them mercy.. I know some countries don't acknowledge Mental Health as a medical issue but we have evolved and Allah swt had granted us knowledge. Just as the rest of the body can have illness, so can our brain and the chemicals that control our emotions. I can tell by this persons post that she is not mentally stable and I'm not trying to be rude on her at all by saying so. It's not a shameful thing, but just like if a person has diabetes, cancer, or any other medical issue, it has to be addressed. Shaming someone whom is obviously ill is not helping anyone.

          I wish to see Muslims around the world open their mind and hearts before making accusations and pointing fingers. I feel like Muslims should be smarter than this. Its a shame to see so much cold heartedness within our Ummah.

          • aminah ,

            You can't hide behind medical reasons .Every rapist ,child molester ,murderer has some medical reasons so you are going to set them free ? Non sense .

            She has done terrible sins and playing a victim card . These are not acceptable .
            Even some of animals won't do that what she has done .
            Only slotion for her is to quit all and restart a life in new and correct way and not playing a victim card and desiring for son of man with whom she slept ..Disgusting .

    • Anonymous, we are not here to judge. Are you perfect? Have you never made a mistake? She may be way better in Allah's eyes than you or me and many others. Show kindness and compassion. She is a human being, lost and seeking help. comfort her and let Allah be the judge. Judge as you would wish to be judged. Are you hoping that Allah will throw you under a bus when the time comes?
      Sister in trouble, do not listen to this person's harsh words, seek help for depression with medication and use dua, Quran and repentance. Allah knows everything. In sha Allah he will help you. He created you and then threw open the doors of his mercy. Walk through them. He is waiting for you.

  8. LOL @ anonymous...dont sugar coat it bro...

    but he has said what we are all thinking.
    to not denounce this womans actions strongly and strictly shows that muslims are ok with it...NO we are not.

    these divergences from our religion are the reason for us being in this terrible state as an Ummah.

    Lesson to self and all my bros and sisters here...please please stay away from the momentary pleasures of life...i know its not easy to turn down a perfectly beautiful woman offering herself to you for the night...and vice versa...but these things lead to only more haram and a serious darkening of the heart.

    the worst thing is to lose the Fear of Allah...and that is what a dark heart leads to.

  9. Islamically, I think you could not marry the son if you had intercourse with the father.

    Honestly. You're an adult and you need to figure out your religion first. You're heré, so you know what you're doing is wrong. From your message you know what the problems are.

    Change it. Allah doesn't help unless you help yourself first. Walk toward Allah (sincerely) and He will "run" toward you.

    Right now, you're walking toward men because you want affection and all they will do is lead your from Allah.

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