Islamic marriage advice and family advice

After 6 years in a relationship she won’t marry me

Broken marrige, marrige falling apart due to lack of communication, intimacy etc

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

Dear Brothers and Sisters I don't know where to start. I have been having great difficulty in the past few months and it's really affecting my life. I have been with a girl for 6 years (since the age of 17) when I was in college, and did not really think if it was wrong or right to be in a relationship as I was very much immature. However, before we got into a relationship, during that time when I met this girl we were the very best of friends.

She had a lot of family problems and her family was in pieces and is still today. Her father would not treat her mother right, uncles etc. would get involved and make things worse, belittling her mother and the rest. Her parents would always blame her for things that were not true,  for example would call her a slu* and undermine her for no reason.

She would get away from this by hanging out with her mates, smoking and also smoking weed now and then, and coming home late.  At that time I was only a friend and did not know about these things until we grew closer. I knew she used to smoke, and had all these problems, and there was a time where during the night I was watching Islamic TV and I asked her to turn to that channel while I was speaking on the phone to her as it was showing someone reciting the Quran. She instantly switched it off because she felt scared; she was sweating really badly and felt a form of anxiety. I never asked why but the next few days she asked her brother in law to check her out if there was anything with her, and it turned out there was but I still stood by her.

Even though I knew all of these things, I wanted to help to change her for the better by talking about Islam constantly to her, telling her to stop smoking as it was wrong because I really cared about her. I did not want to walk away from someone who really needed a good friend, but I myself was not perfect and I will get on to that. This was the earlier years of our relationship.

All these family problems would go on for a few years, where they would move out of the family home and then move back in, until her father actually divorced her mother for no reason and she didn't know until a few weeks later. They moved out. This absolutely destroyed every single member of the family, which caused severe depression within her, her mother, her sister and elder brother.  They would argue amongst themselves for no reason, and she would describe the atmosphere as horrible.

Her sister in law would add to the problems or even create them. For example, there was a time when there was a massive argument, and her sister in law went upstairs in the bathroom, emptied the eyeliner tube that didn't belong to her and put bleach in it fully knowing that they would use it. Both sisters found out and well... all hell broke loose.  This would be everyday life for her, living in depression and surrounded by drama, arguments and fights.

I myself was also to blame and I know it. I hate myself up to a point where I feel like I do not deserve Allah's forgiveness or even hers. I made mistakes when I was young (18-19). I would go missing or I wouldn't pick up her calls if she called. I was not doing anything wrong of the sort, and you may laugh but I would be playing my XBOX with friends and then I would call her later at night an act like nothing was wrong. There was a time when I went missing for a week because I couldn't take the pressure of what was going on with her family and she would tell me, then I would feel really messed up. The worst thing is I did not even tell her I needed space, I just ignored her calls when she needed me the most and then when I felt better I came back. She was suffering all alone and I was not there. I made her cry so many times in the past for what I did and I truly regret what I did, I even asked her if she could ever forgive me as I did not understand, I really didn't. I have never cheated on her or lied to her about anything. I was true.

I guess I wasn't man enough to come out clean then. We have never had sex; we controlled our desires, but we did kiss now and then but we immediately stopped because we knew it was wrong and asked Allah for forgiveness. After I did these things she would find it hard to trust me and would accuse me of things and I really hated that. This in turn created arguments and I would get angry and say things, but she would actually say hurtful things, swear at me and at my parents. She has hurt me a lot too with things that she has said. Once my family heard me crying on Eid day about a year or two ago, when everything was too much for me, and my mother was very angry and would tell me to let go of her because she is not a good person. She told me to get a grip, and my friends would also tell me to leave her as they did not like her. But I couldn't because I felt guilty about what I did to her. I was to blame, and also because I really did love her then I would hope she would get better and I would change my ways and not provoke her to get angry like that. We would constantly be on the phone.

To skip forward, when she was in college she would find it hard. She would feel like everyone she met would treat her bad. For example, her teachers were really bad, her only real mate she had turned out to be fake, and she never had one good friend to turn to.  To make things worse, I would create silly arguments like, " you forgot about me; you never called" etc. and this  would stress her out even more and I didn't really realize it. When she finally finished college she wanted to go to University. She applied and at the same time her family was going through hardship financially. She couldn't stand seeing her mother like that, so she decided to find a job but that never turned out right. She felt like she was being messed about when she was on job seekers allowance, and she also felt that the advisor would not treat her with respect.  For example, she was told that she should look for a job locally as she wears a burkha and not in the city centre (if you get where I'm coming from) and things like that. Her father would still come and say things like 'you are a failure, you can't do anything right', and there would still be arguments with both parents shouting at each other from different rooms, causing her mother to break down.

Her mother is a religious type but has a lot of health problems, and would smoke and not stop. She would just tell her to get married, but really she wanted to move on with her life and not be depressed, and make her family members move on. Whenever she would say to her mum and family, 'let's move on, let's be happy, I don't want to feel like this anymore or argue and destroy what is left', her mother would start crying and she would feel anger towards her mother and it would be a vicious circle. On top of that, she got rejected from Uni and this almost killed her as she wanted a good job to support her family. She told me that she feels dead towards everything, she doesn't know what she feels anymore, she just feels anger and hatred even towards me, and towards her family. She feels like she's evil and messed up.

I have tried to say otherwise and support her but my opinion has no impact. Her family problems have become so much for her to handle that she feels like moving out, and she also feels like my family won't accept her. She's always saying things like 'look at how good your family is, they will never accept me' or out of anger she would say 'go and spend time with your perfect family. In no way did I mention anything about how good my family is, as my family also has problems...just not as bad.

From what she was before she changed in the right way. She was trying to practice, stopped smoking, trying to build a life, and also showed me certain characteristics which made her a potential wife and I was really pleased with her. Everything she is going through has destroyed her self-esteem and confidence. She finds it difficult to speak to people she doesn't know, but I have tried to make her feel better about things. I have mentioned  to her to contact her old friends and hang out, go to the gym etc.

Recently she's made attempts to stop talking to me by trying to hurt me . She wants me to hate her and leave myself by saying that she doesnt love me or she's attracted to some else. The real truth is that she is saying that it is haram to speak on the phone, that she wants to be alone and that I don't have the strength to do this. She said wouldn't make me feel as if she was doing this for that cause, and that she would really marry me in the end.

I fully agree that it is haram to talk, but I also mentioned that I wanted to get married to her and make this halal, I spoke to her about this and asked her if I could speak to my family. She accepted and told me to tell them everything about her family so that she can feel some ease, so I did. My sister was very understanding about her family situation.

However, she changed her mind more than once and stated she doesn't know anymore, she can't guarantee if she's going to be with me in the end because of everything like her family, that she's full of drama, she's messed up, she won't be a good wife, that she will get angry and shout at my mother etc. but this is not the person I knew a few months ago or even years ago. This has recently started, and it is really messing me up because I have been with her for 6 years.  I finished my degree, I am working and all I wanted to do is to complete my deen with her and this is the right way.

She's stated that things are really messed for her in her head and surroundings and she needs to figure things out, that she wants to be alone, she wants me to carry on with life, she feels like I come in the way of her decisions and that she can't risk it anymore because its changing her as a person. I asked what, and she said everything. She wants me to stop calling her, she wants me to delete her pictures; but when I ask her if she's going to call me she says she does not know. Or if I ask if she has deleted my pictures she says that's not the point and just asks why would I want to be with someone who is (swear) up.

I'm not sure if there is any point carrying on talking about it in detail, unless you guys have more questions, but this is just the taster. Now I'm just really messed up, I really want to marry this girl. I mean, she was more up for it than I was, she would always make me promise that I wouldn't leave her and would always talk about marriage, now I don't know what happened. I planned my life around her and now it's in pieces.

I have been practicing for the last five years. I'm 22, I have been praying and trying to learn more about Islam and at the same time juggling family and work responsibilities. I feel lost now and completely shattered. I may have made mistakes in the past, but I am the man who has stood by this girl through everything and never looked back, and never broken any promises.  I don't know what has happened and I am confused, lost, feeling depressed, and I feel alone.

Please help. I was ready to give my heart to her, she promised me all these things and made it out like she would guarantee marriage and that I would be the one to leave her and now this I don't understand. She's not a bad person, she has done a lot for me, put up with my faults and made me feel like I was everything to her. She always said that she loves me so much and these are only a few things, so please don't get the wrong end of the stick as I'm not saying that she's a cheat etc. I am really sorry for taking up so much of your time and writing such a long post, and I really appreciate you reading. May Allah bless you all and you keep steadfast in your deen, Amen.


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10 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum brother,

    Forgive me if I overlook something in my response.

    It seems that from her end that she perhaps is trying to reject you before you reject her--this way she doesn't have to deal with being rejected for reasons like family status, or her situation (etc.)

    I only really see two choices. If she wants to be left alone, you can just oblige her and do so and not make it more difficult for her. BUT on the other hand, you definitely seem like you want to marry her and most likely she does too (but may not believe can happen in real). If you truly want to marry her and it isn't out of pity or to make yourself feel better that you didn't just give up on her--then you have to make that happen. Talk to your family and arrange for a Nikah--you are both young, but you can plan your lives out together and it is probably better to marry now than to engage in more haram relationships.

    Life is short and youth doesn't last forever. You don't always get a chance to fix things or to do the right thing either--so if you feel strongly about your convictions, all that is missing are the right actions.

    May Allah ease your difficulty and accept your sincere intentions-Ameen.

  2. Can you see the wisdom in why premarital relationships are forbidden in Islam? You can end all this unnecessary drama by either doing things the proper way by approaching her father to propose, or you can cut ties with her and move on. You probably feel like you need to marry her because you wasted so many years of your life with her. But try to think logically. Maybe the breakup is a chance for you to have a fresh start.

    I skipped parts of your post, but you mentioned something about her getting more religious. If she feels talking to you is haram then you need to stop calling her. It's simple, if you really want to be with her, then meet her father and propose. If she rejects you, then you have to respect her decision and move on. May Allah guide you.

  3. Salam everlastinglove,your post is everlasting whew! Lol, so here is the deal,I really feel that you need to separate yourself from this girl and give her space,it is inparitive that she straightens out her own life,this is something that only she can are to engrossed in her problems,you can't live her life for her your,you need to live your own life and grow and develop yourself.I think that you would be much better off in the long run.she sounds like she is just too much to deal with ,she has the family issues,the social issues,pot smoking,problems with teachers,etc,'s just too it stands you really should take a step back and think ,would she be a good and supportive wife,and mother of your children,with all these constant issues she has going on in her life? Children are a big responsibility and one needs to be able to have there head together in order to raise them correctly,and also what about you don't you want someone who can take care of you too? Instead of someone that is constantly in conflict?I understand that you want to save her but she needs to save her self,she needs to do it on her own.maybe someday in the future inshallah she can get herself together ,maybe if its meant to be Allah will make her your wife,but in the meantime I think it's for the best your go your separate ways.inshallah it all works out! May Allah guide you on the right path.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    You and this girl have certainly been through a lot in the past few years; may Allah help you both recover and rebuild.

    Ultimately, if you want to be in a relationship with her, the only acceptable way for this to happen in accordance with Islamic principles would be for you to propose marriage. She (and her family) can then either accept or decline the proposal, and either way, you have your answer and can move forward. While it can be very easy for someone to give you advice over the internet, it's much harder to actually do it, so I would advise you to think hard about what you truly want to do, and to pray istikhara, trusting in Allah's guidance and protection.

    The girl you describe sounds like she has had an extremely turbulent life, and she may not know what she wants at this time - it might help her to make contact with a counsellor. You are not responsible for her, though, any more than she would be responsible for you. On the Day of Judgement, we will stand alone before Allah, and be accountable for our own actions. So, you need to make sure that you act according to Islamic principles.

    If this girl decides she does not feel able to accept your proposal, then respect her decision, and trust in Allah's plans. If she feels unable to accept at this time, but wants time to consider and resolve some issues, then it's still important to respect Islamic boundaries.

    As well as thinking about your desire for marriage, it's important to recognise and repent for the transgressions of limits that have already occurred. Allah is Most Gracious, Most Merciful, so ask his forgiveness and for the strength to resist temptations to transgress in the future. If your local masjid or community centre runs Islamic education classes, it might well be worth going - the more we learn and understand about Islam, the less likely we are to transgress due to lack of awareness.

    May Allah guide you and this girl to what is best for you both for this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. Salam,

    My advice is to let this girl go. This will be difficult, I understand, but NOT impossible. Remember Allah hears your duaas and knows your struggles. He is your strength.

    Allah said that "Indeed, with every hardship comes ease, with every hardship comes ease." (Surah 94: 5-6). This is your test. Allah SWT tests the ones he loves, and Allah SWT only gives you a test that He knows that you can handle and bear, as He the most Just and All-Knowing.

    When you let go, do it for the sake of Allah SWT, and only Allah, in the hopes that he will replace this girl with someone better inshaa Allah.

  6. Salaam bro. Masha'Allah its really nice to read a post by a guy, who is willing to stand by ,and take a stand for the girl he loves, and owns up to the mistakes he made.I would take a different stance than the above responses. Bro, my personal judgement is: love,marriage,security.... three things that EVERY woman wants.Three dents in the armour of even the most 'macho' women.I could be wrong, only Allah knows best, but reading 'in between the lines' of your post I felt that this girl loves you so much that she is willing to sacrifice her own personal wishes for love, marriage and security, so you could move on and find someone who's life is not so full of turbulence and drama, because if you marry her, you will be a part of her life and she doesn't want you to be sucked into that hole.I think it is a very noble thing for her to do, that she has always been honest with you about her life and her family problems, and she is giving you the option herself to move on, to a stabler girl.If I were a guy, I would think this girl a total keeper and marry her for this trait alone.In my opinion, she's trying to drive you away inorder to save you, not because she herself wants out ( I can bet when she's saying those things to you, in her inner most soul she would be saying 'no please don't go, please don't leave me).Then again this is just my opinion and I could be wrong.The question is 'do you love this girl enough to deal with all the drama of her family and be strong to stick up for her infront of your family and keep a harmonious balance between the two FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?' Just think about this long and hard and deep.Do her good traits balance out her bad traits?Do you think you can change this girl into a better person, with the right amount of love and mature handling, given some time?Do you think she can adjust with your family and your family with her, given some time?Because marrying her and then giving up on her AFTER marriage would just totally wreck both your lives.On the other hand, it could turn out to be the best decision you ever made because you would get a wife who loves you like mad.But I really don't think the problem here is that the girl herself wants out.A womans psyche can be unfathomable at times, bro 🙂 Have a talk with yourself, do a lot of Istikhara as well.If you feel you are upto it, reassure the girl that you will NEVER let her go no matter what, that you accept and love her with all her faults and you are doing this with your eyes and brain wide open as well as your heart and then see what her response is.if you feel you aren't, then its best to just quit the relationship asap in an amiable way, never contact her again, but always make dua for her and her happiness...and just move on.Best of luck, bro.

  7. asalaamu alykum everlasting love.

    FIRSTLY, i am only advising you am not giving you a fatwa (islamic ruling that is for the scholars).


    SECONDLY: is simple. is really really simple. THINK outside the situation. think to your self what has allah and his nabee say about my situation. LOOK to the quraan and the ahadeeth. MAKE dua, and lot of it. and seek help THROUGH pateince and prayer.

    THIRDLY: this sister whom i love for the sake of allah. She seems to be ineed of help, by means of islaam. the quraan and sunnah. if you would like me to, i READ that she has not a "decent friend" and in that case i am willing to give my E-mail to you so you may trasnsfer to her..... insha ALLAH . i could maybe befriend her and try and advice her and help her. I love for her what i would love for my self

    FOURTHLY: you as a person need to saty away from her and develop your understanding of the deen. learn TAWHEED. learn WHO allah is. learn allahs NAMES AND ATTRIBUTES. and focus on your 'ibaadah pray more fast more fear allah. stay away from sins. STAY AWAY FROM SINS, STAY from bad people. stay up untill the last THIRD OF THE NIGHT AND PRAY. ect AND OBEY ALLAH AND HIS MESSENGER. be GOOD to people for the reward of allah not because "you love them" or because "you feel bad and you want to help him/her" BE SELFISH WITH YOUR AAKHIRA BUT BE MOST but GENEROUS WITH MATTERS OF THIS DUNYA.

    PS DO NOT speak to her WITHOUT HER FATHER OR BROTHER AROUND ITS HARAAM UPON HARAM! DO NOT KISS, AND DO NOT MENTION YOUR SINS TO ANYBODY EVER. allah forgives us and conceals our sins and we should not speak out our sins EVER. say " a person i know done so and so" if its for advice.

    • "sincere advisor", presumably you are a woman? Your advice is good, but we do not allow the exchange of private contact details on this website.

      Wael Editor

  8. Walikumsalam wr wb......

    Brother She's just afraid!

  9. She has seen her dad cruel to her mom, so she thinks the same will happen to her. Maybe you want to prove her otherwise..that you cn be her protector and show her a good life p..but nothing you do will change her feelings. She needs time away from you and possibly her family up to grow. It might be that losing you will make her realize your worth. But don't sit around for that. Also, even if u cut her off, she might reach out here and there. She's just testing to see if you're still in fishing range. Is there nothing else you wan to do in life before getting married? Do that. Develop yourself and inshAllah you have te whole rest of your life to be a married man.

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