While sinning everything was fine, after marrying he hits me.
Salam all brothers and sisters
I am 21 and I am currently studying in the uk at university. I met my husband at university which came as unexpected and I fell in love with him.. I am a non muslim at this current stage of my life (which I will later explain)..
We have only been married a year and I am feeling lonely and depressed and neglected already.. When we first got together it was great as what you would expect, I was totally in love within 2 weeks of meeting I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.. He has been major hurt in the past and has been married and divorced before he met me.. Which I felt so angry with the situtation with his ex wife left him I always wanted to prove that there are great women out there...
But it soon turned nasty when I found out he had a short temper, He used to hit me and blame me for things going wrong in his life.. But he used to be so sweet and charm me to forgive him which I did.. Because he is in a situation which I can´t really explain on here where I feel like I can not walk away from him..
We married a year ago so we can be with each other through Ramadan as I am his only family here in England, which was amazing but ever since we have been married he has become very distant from me in affection and also in intercourse.. I know we were sinning before we were married and I hope Allah forgives me for that, but now he doesn't want to kiss me he says it is stupid and meaningless which having researched it through the internet it is not at all... I have tried talking calmly about the situation I am feeling but he shouts at me and wants to divorce me because he says I am not satisfied! But it is not like that, I would like a kiss and a cuddle sometimes..
Also with intimacy it is very different... I feel like he is ashamed of me and I have taken this personally becoming ill, over weight issues as I used to starve myself so I could lose weight because I thought he did not find me attractive and more or something.. Stupid now I know as I am now better...
I am so afraid of him and I used to be a really bubbly person who stood up for herself.. Now I am so afraid of him, I dont have friends I can talk to about this (as he has stopped me seeing non muslim females), I do want to go out in the street, I even dont want to go out with him in the street because I am apparently staring at guys but honestly I am not.. I look at the ground when I walk I do not make eye contact with anyone.. I am just so upset and lonely as I feel it is all my fault and I just dont know what to do..
That is why I am writting on here for someone to help me please!!!! I am just to afraid to talk to him about anything he says he doesnt care and that I should deal with problems myself... Also he puts me down saying he wished he never met me and wants to leave me everytime things get tough, but I am making his life easy for him.. He saves his money and I pay for everything I come home and I shut my mouth and I dont do anything.. (As I am writing this I am crying my eyes out because I feel so disrespectful to him telling you this, but I am in serious need of help!!)
The other problem..
He asked me at the start of the relationship whether I would become Muslim, I knew little abit Islam at that time and I said yes possibly as I loved the way my husband is to me (when he is nice) and I truly believe it was Islam which made him that way.. But as time was going past I was researching Islam when I could, but it seemed not good enough for him.. He threated to leave me if I did not become Muslim and really forced the religion on me.. Also he said that he will not have children with me unless I was Muslim.. But I was finding it hard to fit in studying Islam when I could to truly believe in Allah..
We had to marry before Ramadan so I could be with him through out and I fasted that month which was amazing.. I knew after I wanted to convert.. But he would always say to be that I am not ready and put me down about the religion saying that I am not fit to be a Muslim, but I eat Halal, I dont drink, I live my life now as a Muslim.. I have even told my mum that I am going to convert... This is one problem I have as I want to do my shahada but he do not seem supported of me.. As he makes remarks at me saying when are you going to wear a Hijab and when are you going to do this and then gets angry when I dont say the things he wants to hear... But I know you can do it gradually...
So why is he putting so much pressure on me and then not supporting me!!? Again I can not talk to him about this as he will threaten to leave me and maybe start hitting me again if I bring up this situation..
I know Allah see everything and I dont want to judge my husband, as that is up to Allah and I know I am muslim yet but I truely believe in Islam!! I just want my life to get better, as I am so depressed and unhappy but I am so inlove with him I do not want to let him down..
MeshAllah for this website and I hope someone can help me
- Blackberry
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Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu my beloved sister,
May this reach you in the best of health...May Allah the Most Merciful keep you steadfast in His religion.
Blackberry do you know the full story of why your husbands first marriage failed? did he treat his first wife like that? how does he act towards his friends? neighbours?
Because you need to know whether its part of his personality to act that way or whether his going through a difficult phase that you dont know about...
Marriage isn't a fairytale sweety just because you love someone its not enough to conclude with a marriage. To live with someone for the rest of your life he needs to be worth it, your children have the right over you you need to choose a good father for them! our beloved Prophet (pbuh) gave us a criteria when choosing a spouse and he emphsised on character..i know you might not have known this then but im sure in your past you would have came across "beauty fades but beauty from within is forever"
Its your choice to become muslim or not no one can force you, since you have found comfort in this religion my advice is to hasten in declaring the shahada and go and learn more about this amazing religion that teaches us how to live this life. After you make your shahada strive to learn more about the religion, better you relationship with Allah swt, listen to Quran, open the quran in your house but make sure that you listen to it, find pious muslim sisters who will remind you of Allah swt and befriend them, the prophet (pbuh) said if you want to know a person look at his friend. having good company will help you alot.
You shouldn't be spending any of your money on your home this is the duty of your husband and its a command from Allah swt on him. however if you want to out of your own will than you can.
Try talking to him about how you feel tell him you love him and that no matter what you want the best for him explain to him how much you miss him, try to do something romantic e.g. prepare a dinner for him light the house with candles wear a dress that he like etc use the techniques God gave you.. Tell him lets better our relationship lets work together to enter Jannah (paradise) tell him you need his help to become a better muslimah, treat him well even if he hurts you with his words maybe he will realise how kind you are to him eventhough he is treating you badly this might have an affect on him depending on his personality.
Turn to Allah swt for help as no one will help you but Him.
I Leave you with a verse from the Holy Quran. I will remember you in my dua, May Allah swt bestow hidaya and mercy upon you and your husband and May this difficult phase end soon and May Allah swt grow the love between you's and protect you's from all harm and May He the Most Loving reward you with righteous offspring...Ameen ya rab!!
Allah swt says: "If Allah helps you none can overcome you, and if He forsakes you, who is there, after Him, that can help you. And in Allah (alone) let believers put their trust." (Qur'an, 3:160)
As salaamu alaykum Sis!
I hope you realize that it is imperative that this guy works out his issues *without you.* The best way you can help him is by removing yourself from the situation while he seeks and receives help. You may think that by remaining in the situation you can help him or smooth things over but that would only allow him to go further into his horrible ways.
You need to get the frig out of that relationship! Stay with family or stay with friends or alone if you feel safe enough, but you have to leave that situation! You sound like a very sweet and earnest person; Do not let yourself be ruined by this person, and negative and abusive people do not fail to ruin. Really, that he would discourage you from taking shahada is appalling and incredibly unislamic!
Based on what you have said, your husband sounds like he displays classic traits of an abuser: He's controlling when it comes to who you can see, he was charming in the beginning to gain your trust then did a 180, he needlessly jealous, and he puts you down, thus making you feel lowly and making it easier for him to verbally abuse you.
Love what Allah loves. Hate what Allah hates. Allah does not love the oppressor.
Found this number for a domestic victims' hotline in the UK: Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247. I pray it's of use.
PLEASE take a look at this website: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Below is an excerpt from it. May Allah have mercy on you and bless you peace!
Help for abused and battered women: Making the decision to leave
As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:
* If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
* If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
* If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.
* If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.
* If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
IGNORE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU TO BE PATIENT AND WAIT FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER! Your experience and the experiences of countless others strongly suggests that that will NOT happen!
Allah sends a warner to every people. Heed the warning sis! May Allah bless, protect, and guide you always! Ameen!
Blackberry,
No man should ever lay his hands on you or treat you the way you are being treated. If you cannot find peace with this man and he continues to treat you in the abominable way that he is...pack your bags and leave. Life is way too short to put up with anyone like this.
Salam
Two words...Domestic violence.
Get out now before he kills you.
Salam..
Mesh'Allah for all your responses.. I have great news is that I have converted to Islam and I am now a muslim, after much disagree with my husband I just done it.. I am now further reading the Qu'ran and learning so much about the situation I am in.. With regards to my husband and his violent attacks have stopped for a while now. He still gets angry but I tell his that he isnt aloud to hit me as Allah will not be pleased..
I have tried talking to him about being lonely and depressed and things still have not got any better in that part. Refering to Thuwaybah and her response about doing something romantic.. I did take your advice and did a suprise meal and wore my best perfume and dress and he through it back in my face again and said that I am not satisfied with what I get.. I had to beg him not to divorce me and run off :(.. With your questions he is soo nice to other people,Specailly his friends where he has recently told me that they are more important to him than myself.. As it is Ramadan I am lonely than ever as he chooses to eat with his friends instead of me and he leaves me sitting by myself all night untill he comes home about 4am..
I love that he has friends and I am not jealous of him.. But I know Ramadan is about family and I am his wife... I have cooked meals for him obv and he sometimes comes home and eats and then goes back out.. I just want to know is he meant to be doing this? As I have prayed to Allah asking him and it doesnt really say on the internet.. I am just fed up and lonely... But I know I have total faith in Allah he will show me the way..
Again I would like to thank you for your comments
Salam
Blackberry
Sister Blackberry, As-salamu alaykum,
I'm so happy to hear that you have embraced Islam, Alhamdulillah. Now you need to get out this awful, awful marriage that you are in. This man as you have described him is absolutely terrible. He is physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive, controlling, jealous and cruel.
Sister, why would you want to stay in a relationship where you are lonely and frightened? Where you have changed from someone who is bubbly and happy to someone who is cowed and self-doubting?
Get out of this situation and get a divorce.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam alecom sister,
I am glad if you found peace in islam. I converted for marriage and still not sure about a lot of things and am trying to find my own peace. For what you are saying you are a wonderful person and a great wife and deserve a much better husband and life!
Please sister get out of this horrible situation while you can! I myself am seeing traces of your husband in mine and I am thinking for my own sanity and safety it will be better for me to walk away before it gets worse. He has not hit me but has broken dishes and has a very short temper...
It will hurt to walk away, we all hurt when we love someone so much, but it may be the best thing for you to do. You should take care of yourself as he seems like he doesn't care for you. You are a beautiful person and will find a better husband who will treat you well with respect and love.
Inshallah everything will turn out fine for you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Brooke
Assalamu alaykum sister blackberry
i really agree with what wael said u need 2 get out of that relationship coz he is nt goin to change.as u said he's kind 2 his friends that means u are d one that he doesn't like.is better u leave sooner than later and i believe if he is the 1 at fault Allah will bless u with some one better than him.but don't kill your self in a relationship that u alone sustain.sister there are men out there looking for people like u.you are young and very special so please sit and think and get solution to your problem.will always remember u in my prayers.
the heart that care
Assalamu alaikum :)sister blackberry
Reading your mail,i pledged to pray loads n loads for u...u r not alone...Allah s.w.t is always with you...with all of us...fear none other than Allah..He will eventually get you out of all your problems...IA:u are a good girl:)you have made us all so proud of you with your patience!you don't deserve the type of treatment you are getting...and trust Allah you will surely find some one much much caring and loving to marry you:)some one who will cherish you and care for your innocent heart!
you can divorce him,Allah will give you the courage!and trust Allah you will feel so light and relaxed after it!
The first thing u should do is note down all the good points of your husband,and then note down all the bad points about him,....then think it through...over night or over weeks....only you can take your decision,...once you do,go for it,.....
you can do it!!because you have Allah with you!May Allah help you and make it all easy for you and make you strong!ameen