After so long apart, my husband has no real purpose in my life…
Assalaam alaykum,
My husband and I have been married for almost two years now, and when we initially got married we were very happy and optimistic about the relationship. I was a convert, and so I was looking for a husband that would support me in my new religion. My husband is Syrian, and during our engagement I thought that his devotion to the 5 daily prayers and his knowledge of Arabic would be good for me; I was a recent convert and hadn't yet found religion's role in my life yet.
I visited Syria to meet his family, and we got married there. Due to visa issues, my husband wasn't able to return with me to the US, and so we were separated for a considerable amount of time. During this time we often went weeks without talking (due to unstable internet/phone connections, lack of power on his end), so I turned to Allah for companionship. I spent the entire month of Ramadan in taraweeh prayers, memorizing Quran, studying Arabic, etc. I became extremely religious (praying all the sunnah prayers, fasting multiple times a week, supplicating often, memorizing du'aa, volunteering, supplicating, watching lectures, memorizing Quran, etc.) and very passionate about Islam.
When he finally got his visa and we were reunited, I realized a lot had changed between us. He was incredibly depressed and anxious about the situation in Syria; he was passive and pessimistic. He felt guilty for leaving his family in Syria (some of whom were killed or tortured), and denied himself anything fun or pleasurable. Though he did not abandon his faith, our practices seemed to be widely different. I tried the best that I could to include him in my own practices, or to motivate him to be more religious - I had become the one supporting him!- but he has little interest in intellectual pursuits (this was true during our engagement, but I hadn't realized how important this was to me).
I spent so much time trying to make things comfortable for him but nothing was truly appreciated. Nothing that I did made him happy. He is very extroverted, and because he isn't able to make any decent friends here, he feels constantly lonely. Yet, he doesn't talk to me, he initiates nothing in our marriage, and lets me make all the decisions and do all the work. Because I am extremely introverted, this constant care-taking of him exhausts me and leaves me with little time for nothing else.
I have become like a mother-figure for my husband. I no longer expect intimacy or romance between us. When I look at him, I pity him- that is all I feel. And because I spend so much time taking care of him, I resent him. When we had been apart, my sole purpose was to remember and worship Allah; now, I feel distracted from my true purpose and too exhausted to pursue it properly. My husband has no real purpose in my life- he offers nothing to me: religiously, emotionally, romantically, or intellectually. Even if things did get better in Syria, he still wasn't the man I need now- someone who wants to devote their life to Islam. I'm scared that on Judgment Day Allah will ask me why I stayed in a marriage that prevented me from being a better Muslim.
However, I know that if we were to get divorced, he would be deported back to Syria, where he would likely be drafted into the war and killed or wounded. Though I am no longer sure that I love or am attracted to him, I still care about him and would feel incredibly guilty if his death were on my hands.
Is it wrong for me to feel this way about my husband when he is going through such a tough time? What should I do to help him stop being so passive about life and our marriage? Does it make me a terrible wife for falling out of love with my husband due to things beyond his control- should I be the one supporting him? Even in spite of the circumstances, I have come to realize that our views on religion, our passion concerning it, and our personalities are drastically different; part of me wants to be with someone more learned or involved in Islam, as well as someone more intellectual. Finally, is it a sin to stay in a marriage just to protect someone from harm?
Jazak Allahu khayr,
Khadijah K.
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your situation is no easy one and I am sorry for both of you. I am not qualified to say what course of action you should take.
Nonetheless I do understand your desire to be with someone who is spiritual, intellectual and enthused about Islam. I myself feel exactly the same way. I don't think I could marry someone who did not have that same aspiration. I am pretty sure I am not the only one either. There are many new Muslims who have studied arabic, authored several books, began preaching/teaching Islam etc. That is the path I also wish to take. I think you are the same.
Of course now you feel that you're beginning to stagnate..i feel the same at times.
But I also know what depression is like. I know what its like to live on both sides of the fence. depression is debilitating.
My advice would be to consult a scholar who can advise you both.
But sister even though i'm unmarried...i well understand what you're going through..though it may not seem that way to you. My religious ambitions are so many that sometimes i feel stifled because i cannot meet them. Yet I cannot suffice being a nominal muslim.
Salaams,
I definitely can understand how difficult it must be for you to be in a marriage where you feel you are living with someone who is not your spiritual equal. I have a friend who also converted to Islam and married a Muslim, and initially it was good for her because she was learning things she never knew before. Eventually, her knowledge became equal to his, and she began to see that he was practicing Islam in a way that was much different from the way she wanted to practice it. She even wondered if perhaps he might be following misguidance, which she certainly didn't want to do. That, along with personality differences and other contributing factors, led to the downfall of their marriage.
I know how difficult that was for her, no matter how reassured she was about the path she was on. I don't want to see you in the same predicament, but I tend to get the feeling that maybe you are focusing more on how burnt out you feel, and are not getting the full understanding of what he’s experiencing. From your post, there’s no indication that he is wronging you in any way or denying your rights. It’s just some incompatibility issues, so I will address those.
First of all, what’s happening in Syria is very serious. As a westerner myself, I know how very easy it is to go through the day to day life we have here and not give a second thought to the type of horrors the Syrians live with every day. Most of us can’t even imagine the things that are going on there, so it’s easy to have a mental block when it comes to relating to someone who has lived there, seen horrible things, and is suffering from a form of “survivor’s guilt”.
I think your husband’s depression is to be expected, given what you said about his family still being over there and him ruing the fact that he ‘left them behind’. I don’t think anyone who has been in that type of environment is going to easily forget it even when they are no longer in it, especially if the threats continue against their loved ones. If you have an expectation that he should ‘snap out of it’ and start focusing on other things, it may be misplaced. The truth is, he will probably deal with some form of emotion about what he’s already been through for the rest of his life, and a good wife will understand that and comfort him as often as necessary .
That being said, it is important to be functional, so if you feel that his depression is keeping him from fulfilling his obligations or impacting his ibadah, then it may be helpful for him to start seeing a counselor to work through his feelings and memories. In certain cases, antidepressants can help him achieve a better balance as well.
Given how long the tension in Syria has been going on, there’s a very good chance that you have no idea what kind of person he is outside of the context you met him in. Ever since you’ve known him, he’s been under the stress of Syria’s war. It may very well be that with more time, adequate support, and mental health treatment, you will find there’s a bit more to his personality and makeup than you are seeing right now.
You mentioned a concern about Allah questioning you on Judgment Day about staying in a marriage that stifled your religious growth. The truth is you don’t know what is good for your spiritual growth the way Allah does. This marriage may be exactly what you need to learn patience, compassion, sacrifice and empathy. Religion is so much more than acts of worship and learning. It is character building, and that often only comes through challenges and tests. After all, Allah may in fact question you instead as to why you abandoned one of the oppressed in favor of your own pursuits. (And by the way, I don’t think anyone would reasonably say that it could possibly be a sin to stay with someone fisabillah- for the sake of Allah).
Just keep this in mind: everything is from Allah. Your intellect and passion for the deen could be taken from you at a moment’s notice, if Allah wills it. Likewise, he could find a new hope and renewed fervor for his learning, if Allah wills it. Just last night I was thinking about how easily we depend on ourselves, thinking that because we’ve always been some way that it means we will always be that way…when in reality Allah remains in full control and can change our lives however He likes. Any time Allah wants to test us- to give us a chance to become more submissive or earn reward- he can change the game in drastically unexpected ways.
So sister, I suggest you shift your focus away from what you see going on in the present. Look at the big picture, and try to identify what this test is for you, what the true challenge is. What is Allah trying to perfect in you; what does He REALLY want from you in this situation? Then you can work on trying to pass that test, and fulfill your purpose for this situation.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASSALAMALIKUM-
DEAR KHADIJA
I FIND THIS CHANGE IN HIM TO BE VERY SURPRISING A PERSON LIKE YOU WHO WANTS TO BE INTACT IN ISLAM AND LEARN MORE HE IS NEGLECTING AND MAKING YOUR LIFE VERY DIFFICUKT AND HIS ALSO-
WRS AND THE SITUATION IN SYRIA IS ALL BY THE WILL OF ALLAH AND NO PERSON DIES EXCEPT WHAT IS WRITTEN IN DIVINE DECREE AND HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS RELATIVES DEATH IF IT HAPPENS THERE-
INSTEAD OF TAKING THE FACTS FIXED BY ALLAH HE IS MAKING MOVES WHICH ARE NOT OF GOOD MUSLIM
SHOW HIM THESE WEBSITE ASK HIM TO READ CARFULLY-http://www.iqrathetruth.com/Home/Article_Details/33?pagetype=Articles%20Page
http://muttaqun.com/qadar.html
Muslim reported that Ibn Umar (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
"By Him (Allah) in Whose Hand is the soul of lbn Umar, if anyone possessed gold amount to Uhud mountain and spent it all in the cause of Allah, Allah would not accept it unless he believes in Qadar (Divine Decree)." Then he cited as evidence the words of the Prophet (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) : "Iman (Belief) is to believe in: 1) Allah; 2) His angels; 3) His revealed Books; 4) His Messengers; 5) The Day of Resurrection and Al-Qadar (Divine Preordainments), the good and the bad of it."
OR ELSE HE WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE UNHAPPINESS HE IS GIVING YOU INSPITE OF LIVING ON YR VIZA IN THE US-
Volume 8, Book 77, Number 593:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
Allah's Apostle, the truthful and truly-inspired, said, "Each one of you collected in the womb of his mother for forty days, and then turns into a clot for an equal period (of forty days) and turns into a piece of flesh for a similar period (of forty days) and then Allah sends an angel and orders him to write four things, i.e., his provision, his age, and whether he will be of the wretched or the blessed (in the Hereafter). Then the soul is breathed into him. And by Allah, a person among you (or a man) may do deeds of the people of the Fire till there is only a cubit or an arm-breadth distance between him and the Fire, but then that writing (which Allah has ordered the angel to write) precedes, and he does the deeds of the people of Paradise and enters it; and a man may do the deeds of the people of Paradise till there is only a cubit or two between him and Paradise, and then that writing precedes and he does the deeds of the people of the Fire and enters it."
HE HAS TO MEND HIS WAYS IT IS SHOCKING TO SEE REVERT LIKE YOU FACING THIS DELIMA BECAUSE OF HIS NARROW MINDEDNESS AND UNBELIEF IN DIVINE DECREE-
PL MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND AND I DOUBT BECAUSE HE IS A VIZA RELATED HUSBAND HE MIGHT BE PUTTING ON AN ACT ALSO ALLAH KNOWS BEST NEXT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE LIVING WITH HIM
PLS PONDER ON WHAT I HAVE TOLD ANS CHECK TO BE ON THE SAFER SIDE-
REGARDS
I am no expert, but ...
After so long apart, people change. He has seen a lot of trauma and you became more religious.
All marriages have rough patches, it's just about how you recover. You both needs time to get used to each other again, and rekindle the passion. Also, take time for yourself. And know that caring for your husband and making him happy is a good deed, so consider this as part of your faith. I know you are burnt out, so make sure to take breaks, and do things for yourself as well.
Also, you have not been married for very long. Sometimes expectations and realities are different. Marriage is not a walk in the park Is there anything about this man that is still good and does he still have redeemable qualities that you admire? Not all marriages will be perfect, in fact no one is. Does he has enough good qualities for you to stay?
Have you spoken to him about how you feel? And have you spoken to him about how best to support him? Have a nice chat, most men can't read minds, I know I have to be very clear and concise with hubby if I have certain needs.
I know for intellectual challenge, try to engage him in the things he enjoys. I know my husband and I when we go on long drives we listen to lectures. Or maybe go to masjid events together. Or maybe listen to something and ask if he wants to join you. But know this sister, you can't change him, all you can do is love him for who he is.
Also don't look down on him, engage without any negative attitude. My husband also loves to learn, but fir me after a day with a baby....the last thing I want to do is learn and I just want to shut down and relax. People have different ways of being, make sure to respect that.
Keep doing what you are doing intellectually and keep trying to engage him, maybe that's your jihad..your struggle. Don't give up on him and always ask Allah for help and guidance.
Wish you all the best
i don't think someone who has come out of syria where there is a bloody civil war going on for last few years and expect that person to be normal quickly. I think he is just severely depressed, for what he has been through back home and it will take time.