Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel like I am alive, but not existing. Depression has got the best of me.

eman dua despair faith

Salam,

I really do not know where to start. Just know that I have been feeling depressed, insecure, worthless, ugly since I was in the fourth grade. I am now almost 20 years old. I was bullied in elementary and middle school. I scored badly in all my classes because I was too busy worrying about when is the next time I'll be humiliated by the students and teachers. I got to high school and decided to stand up for myself, but I got myself into the wrong group and actually made a few mistakes which got me into a deeper depression and then that's when I started cutting myself. No one knew but my personality changed. I stopped talking, I stayed alone, my family were suspicious and I lost their trust. I went down hill and thought of suicide a dozen of times. I over dosed on pills, I cut everyday, I pretty much messed up.

It took a very long time for me to gain my parents trust back. My parents are people who have an old mentality, so they never thought that maybe I was depressed. They just thought I was basically dealing with boys and what not. By senior year I was a little better. At home and school. I graduated, still insecure, feeling ugly, stupid.

I then started college. Where do I start. I took classes. I wanted to start fresh, but same old same me. All I did was think of if I am ugly, stupid. I couldn't eat cause I thought people were looking at me. I never talked, I was scared if anyone looked at me. I failed all my classes and went into college probation and financial aid probation. I started seeing a counselor who began taking advantage of me and started talking inappropriately with me and touching my hands (we're both Muslim so I know damn right that he knew this is wrong). I was so disgusted by him that I felt dizzy, I walked out and threw up. And now I am too disturbed to see him or another counselor. I relapsed on cutting and started thinking deeply of suicide but I feared Allah so I always stopped myself when I was close. (I am a Muslim female. I have a scarf on and I wear an abaya, so I am pretty modest. Sometimes my faith in allah is strong and other times It's so weak that I stop praying and its SO HARD to pick myself up again). And now I think I hit rock bottom in the last few months. I shower about once every 2-3 weeks. I don't brush my hair and lack hygiene (I never was this way even when I was always depressed. Not until the last few months). I weigh 102lbs but I feel fat, and some times I work out, but I am constantly eating. I would eat and eat and eat until I feel like throwing up and still not stop. I am always feeling hungry and always eating. Anything and everything. I am just about done. My faith in Allah is so low (I believe deeply in me and Mohamed (pbuh) but there's no motivation to do good). And I forgot to mention, I have the WORST luck in the world. NOTHING ever goes right. No one else in the family is like me. So yeah, add on to my already bad life. This is pretty much a sum up of my life. Help?

allahs_slave

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10 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, the first thing I want to say is that you are not alone, and never will be alone; you are a Muslimah, with sisters around the world. Depression can be a very cruel illness and lead to people feeling isolated, but remember that as a Muslimah you are part of this Ummah and are cherished as a sister by people in all countries of the world. No matter how dark things get, that will not change.

    From what you've written, it sounds like you have been suffering from depression for a long time, and I wonder if it might be time to seek help from professionals - have you spoken with your doctor about maybe going to see a mental health specialist? There are lots of options for support available, including supportive counselling, talking therapies to help you adjust your thinking patterns to better deal with negative thoughts, medications, creative projects. Also, in most areas you can request a female specialist rather than being stuck with someone who might make you feel uncomfortable - it's common for people to ask to see someone of the same gender, so there's no difficulty in asking.

    In the meantime, there are practical things you can do to help yourself. Even if they don't necessarily lift your mood by themselves, they'll help quieten those negative whispers and help you maintain your strength. For example:-
    - try to keep up with your prayers as much as you can; prayer is a way in which we can strengthen our connection with our faith and Allah, so even if you don't feel like it, try to at least do a couple of rakahs.
    - try to improve your level of hygiene by setting yourself targets to gradually increase how often you're washing - eg. start by trying to bathe every week, then every couple of days, then every day - and make it time for you to relax and have some privacy rather than viewing it as a chore.
    - put your scales away and try not to weigh yourself - we can get obsessed with the number on them, but that number doesn't say anything important about us - what matters is our character and our deen, not whether we're a "size zero".
    - make sure you're eating and drinking healthily, so not too much or too little; avoid haraam substances such as alcohol, and try to have balanced meals - if you've been eating unhealthily for a while, it might help to consider trying a vitamin supplement to boost your reserves.
    - get outside for at least 10 - 15 minutes every day - sunlight is great for lifting people's moods, physical activity gets endorphins ("happy hormones") circulating in your body, and the beauty of the natural world is a clear sign of the presence and love of Allah.

    With regards your counsellor, if he has acted inappropriately towards you, I would avoid going back to him, and request a female counsellor instead. I'd also consider whether his actions need reporting - without having been there I can't tell you what to do about that, but if his conduct was sexually inappropriate or distressing, then his supervisor or manager needs to be aware so that other young women can be protected.

    I pray that Allah helps you find peace and happiness, and that things improve for you and for all brothers and sisters suffering depression and despair.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. ASSALAMALIKUM-
    1ST THING TO ADVICE YOU IS ON SUICIDE NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVEN BRING THE ALPHABET- S IN YR MIND- http://www.missionislam.com/health/suicidenotescape.htm
    AND YOU ARE A FLOWER BLOOMING TO BE A WIFE A MOTHER AND RESPONSIBLE WOMAN WHO CAME IN TO THIS WORLD TO PROMOTE YOUR [REMEMEBER YOUR]GENERATION AND THE LEADER CANT BE SO WEAK SO NEGATIVE-

    ITS HIGH TIME YOU UNDERSTOOD YR STATUS WHICH ALLAH HAS GIVEN YOU-LEAVE THOSE USELESS PEOPLE AND THE USELESS WORLD ALLAH IS WITH YOU[PROOF YOU CAME OUT TRIUMPHANT WITH ALL THE ODDS YOU WROTE HAPPENED IN YR -LIFE-VERY GOOD SUCCESS YOU GOT ALREADY-
    NOW YOU ONLY NEED TO PURSUE THE BALANCE PART OF THE MISSION ALLAH HAS GIVEN TO ACCOMPLISH-THAT IS HALF DEEN THAT IS MARRIAGE.......
    THIS WILL SOLVE ALL YR PROBLEMS START ISTHAKHAR AND TELL YR PARENTS YOU WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN LIFE AND THATS IT-
    Why the trials and hardship…
    Thus Allah took the responsibility of providing for and looking after all affairs of each and every individual and reassured He is the One fully capable of that.Our concern is not to be anxious even in the most trying circumstance for Allah promised to provide a way out; rather our concern is to worship Him by living a life of obedience to Him and excellence in every walk of life. Any hardship faced is no more than a trial to prove that our only concern is the approval of our actions by Allah before anyone else in the community and even before our own pleasure. Allah promised in the Quran, “Alif, Lam, Mim, do people think that they will be left alone on (merely) saying: ‘We believe,’ and not be tested (in their claims)? We have indeed tested those who were before them; and Allah will certainly make it known those who were truthful and He will certainly make known the liars.” [Surah Ankabut 29:1-2]
    YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST......................
    NOW CHEER UP-1ST START REGULAR SALAH-NO REASON TO LEAVE THIS-WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS SATAN SURROUNDS YOU FROM ALL SIDES YOU WILL AGAIN FALTER-THE REHMATH OF ALLAH IS ON THOSE WHO BOW REGULARY-PRESCRIBED IN SHAIRAH-REMEMEBER FARZ FARZ FARZ-NO EXCUSE-
    START READING ASTHAGFIRULLAH ALL THE TIME SLEEPING/ SITTING/RELAXING LYING DOWN ALL THE TIME AND SEE THE CHANGE IN YR LIFE.......
    EXTREME DUA AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS-
    The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu `alaihi wa sallam, said: “The master of invocations for forgiveness is that the servant says: ‘Allãhumma ‘anta rabbee, lã ‘ilãha ‘illã ‘anta, khalaqtanee, wa ‘anã `abduka, wa ‘anã `alã `ahdika wa wa`dika mastata`tu, ‘a`outhu bika min sharri ma sana`tu, ‘aboo’u laka bini`matika ‘alayya, wa ‘aboo’u bithambee, faghfirlee fa’innahu lã yaghfiru ‘aththunooba ‘illã ‘anta. O’ my ‘ilãh You are my Lord, there is no ‘ilãh but You. You created me, and I am your bondservant, and I will stick to my covenant and promise [of faith and sincere obedience] to You, as to my ability. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done, I acknowledge, to You, your bounties upon me, and I acknowledge, to You, my sin. Thus forgive me, for none forgives sins except You. Whoever says this as he enters upon evening, then, dies that night, he would enter Paradise; and if one says this as he enters upon morning, then, dies that day, he would enter Paradise”. [Al-Bukhari] The servant is always in the blessings of Allah which necessitate thankfulness, and in sinfulness which requires seeking forgiveness. Both of these matters are required and essential for the servant at all times, as the servant does not cease to alternate between Allaah’s (various) favors and blessings, and does not cease to be in need of repentance and seeking forgiveness.

    YOU KNOW THE OTHER NAME OF DUNIYA IS FITNA-AND THIS SCHOOL& COLLEGE IS THE STAGES OF FITNA-YOU HAVE SURVIVED NOW HOLD ON TO THE ROPE OF ALLAH -
    I WILL END HERE ONE HADEES ON EATING MAY TRY TO FOLLOW-OR START FASTING MONDAY AND THURSDAYS AS DID OUR BELOVED PROPHET SALAHAUALAHAIWASALAM-
    Narrated Nafi: Ibn Umar never used to take his meal unless a poor man was called to eat with him. One day I brought a poor man to eat with him. The man ate way too much, whereupon Ibn Umar said, "O Nafi! Don't let this man enter my house, for I heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) saying, 'A believer eats in one intestine (is satisfied with a little food), and a kafir (disbeliever) eats in seven intestines (eats much food)." [Sahih Bukhari]
    REGARDS https://www.facebook.com/WIDOWS2NDLOVELIFE

  3. aslamalykum sister ! this is not unique what u are suffering there are so many people of your kind , don't worry mashallah u are in your senses u are diagnoses yourself that you are suffering from depression , read surat al mulk with its meaning in your language , where Allah says that i have given you life and death so i can examin you means we all are under examination in different condition and situation say Alhamdulilah . and remember sister that how dark is the night and darkness the morning will be very bright so just wait for the good time , inshallah you will have beautiful morning and for ever ! take bath now and relax , remember me in your prayers , and if u can read surat al rehman once in a day with meaning will give your mind and heart a poeace insh'Allah

  4. Salam Sister,

    bullying is the really bad (I know from my experience)....Just give a nothing about them and always show your strengh, but don't be phsyical, just verbal clever.

    If they say to you: "Ey you are ...."
    Then tell them : " Yeah if you think. I don't mind the your opionion. But if you think, that I am a ..., then go away from me."

    Let them have their fun in hereafter we all will know, who is going to pay insallah.

    Believe in Allah...

    And for the thing with that you hearing people looking at you and talking about you is normal, this is just the Shaytan. They (perhaps) don't talk about you.

    Little Story about me:

    I was in love with a girl. I wanted to marry her, but I didn't find the words to say, so one day I did the greatest mistake of my live: I told a girl, that I love the person xyz. And all things started to drift away. And the girl I was in love with knew that. I could not look in her eye. She wanted to talk to me, but I had not courage to talk, so I was blamed for NOT TALKING to her. I always told the people around me, that I was loving her, but never spoke a word with her. A year was going on....She was hating me the people said to me. She had all rights to hate me, because she was kind of famous.

    Someday I decided to end the game and to probably marry her or at least to apologize for this mistake I did. I felt depressed too. And it happened, what happened. I was in my class and stood up and had to talk to my class teacher in middle of Lesson. (We all were graded, we were just preparing for the last day of the school year...it was not a lesson)

    And I was with my class teacher in front of the door talking to her, that I want to go to someones class. Firstly I was ashamed and the words didn't come out, but my teacher asked, why I have called her to the front of the door. I said, that I have to go to someones class and she asked me, why? Then I said something like that:"You want to know the reason. It's because of a girl."

    And my class teacher was nice and orginized a day, where I could stay in her class. The girl of my dreams didn't know, that the next day, I was coming to her class....

    Yeah I was in her class the next day. I got in and saw her, but I couldn't talk to her a SINGLE WORD and she was treating me like a ghost. I was not existing. The day was over and she went away and I was not able to open my word, because it was a kind of mental ill, that I couldn't talk with her.

    Yeah next days and year I had to see her everytime going in front of my nose, but I was in anger. I could not believe, that I was just a GHOST for her. And the time went of and I was freed from the school. This was my solution to get away from the problem.

    And next year I got to the school, because of some paperwork and wanted to see some good friend (girls, but as good as my sisters). I heard, that she was away from school, because she wasn't that good at school they said. I thought and thoughts....I had written a lot of lettes to her, but I could not give her one. I have written a poetry about my love to her....not even that. Was it worth for her??? I came to the answer: NO it was not...

    Yeah one day I came to school again, because of paperwork again and I saw her coming in front of me and I got exited again. I made my paperwork and get away. One day back and now I saw her again. Got exicted and there were some girls speaking near me...I though, that they were speaking about me, but they were not speaking about me. It was just the Vasvasa of devil, nothing more.

    To the point: This was my punishment, but it's not my punishment at all. I will suffer more in hereafter.

    Therefore I will someday speak to her and try to get her forgiveness for all, what I have done to her...insallah

    Marriage with her? No....

  5. Salam Sister,

    I can understand you very well. Man these days it hard....

  6. Most of the comments here are pretty well said, all I want to say to u is that I have suffered from depression and I know how hard it is but please dont give up. You need support. Forget this counselor, find someone that will listen to you, understand you. Your friends and group of ppl wil have a big impact on ur depression as well so u need positivity, support, and care around u. I know its easier said than done but surely not impossible.

    As far as the counselor, plz report him. He has no right to take advantage of the situation and act like a pig.
    I have good days and bad days, yes I know theres days wen its so hard to get ur self back up. But, if you have support and faith things will get better trust me.

    I sincerely hope things get better for u, and those that are suffering from depression or are in some sort of pain. Plz tc of urself. May Allah make things easy for u. Ameen.

    • Assalaamu Alaykum,

      Dear Noor sister

      Hope things are now ok , May Allah ease all our affairs and guide us to the right path Ameen!

      Fee Aman Allah

      Was Salaam

  7. You weigh only 102 lbs, how can you feel fat? How tall are you? Do all girls look fat to you? You need to make youself look good. Looking good has a lot to do with the way you dress and little makeup, hair style. A feeling that one looks good increases confidence and self esteem.

    You are 20 years old. You should stop any one who wants to take advantage of you. Sounds like your counsellor is lonely and depressed too and needs some counselling. He should keep his personal and professional life seperate. Find a woman counsellor with whom you can talk openly.

    ones imagination plays a big role in how we live and feel. If you imagine you are ugly and stupid every day, it kind of becomes a truth.

    If you are in good health, try to jogging for few days and see if that helps you.

    The way you expressed your problem in the post does not show you are stupid.

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