Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We are all supporting my brother and his wife!

Crowded house.My youngest brother got married about a year ago. The rest of us are older and unmarried. We are a total of 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Ever since he got married, my brother has changed towards our family. He is unable to support himself financially and so can not move out. My other brother, my sister and I bear the expenses for the family including my brother, his wife and our parents.

My brother and his wife don't pay for any bills, nor do they pay for themselves when we go out. My brother does have his own business, but he says he doesn't make enough money to help out financially. For the cooking my mom, my sister, or my unmarried brother take turns, and for housework mostly it's me or my mom.

My dilemma is that even though we are doing everything for my brother and his wife, they aren't ever happy. They don't like to spend time with us, and at times it feels like they are living as strangers in the home. When we invite them for family events they don't join us but instead go out with their friends. They also don't help out in house chores, they do just keep their own room and bathroom clean.

I think after a year the family is tired of being nice to them, with them always keeping distant. When we used to ask our sister in law to help, my brother would get mad, but at the same time we are cooking for them and washing their dishes and doing everything in the house. On top of that, when we ask them to conserve in electricity costs and other utilities they get very angry and say we are mostly wasting money and should stop being a burden on them. In reality us three unmarried brother and sisters work very hard to keep everything in the house going. The house itself is my older brother's and he is allowing us all to live with him, he is like a father figure for us.

I just need a dua to help bring peace in my house and to have the youngest brother stop hating us and stop alienating himself from us. I think his wife also doesn't like us, so when we tell him anything (we never say anything to his wife) my brother always gets really mad and acts like we are all attacking his wife even though we are explaining things to him.

Please help us, I feel like I am going to end up hating my brother, and I feel like now I can't stand his wife anymore. She has (in a way) caused him to do a 360 change and he is always defensive as if we are attacking him. Thank you.


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7 Responses »

  1. Asalamalaikum sister,
    Maybe try sitting down with them and asking them if there is any way you can help them. I know it seems backwards, like really they should help you, but maybe it will allow you to reopen the dialog between your family and the aloof couple. Asking if you can help them will show youre caring towards them and if you can manage to keep your emotions in check, it can help them feel a little more empathy for you. Then the next step is to continue asking if you can help more and more, in anything. Be overly sweet with the intention of rubbing some onto the wife or the young brother.
    Prophet Muhammad PBUH always said it is beeter to love than to hate. Love can open doors but hate can only lock them.
    May Allah swt make it easy for you.

    • Whaaat?

      Shereen, I think your advice is really bad. Like, the worst advice you could give this person. Seriously. If this family does what you suggest, I'm pretty sure the brother and his wife will accept all the help they get, but not change one single bit themselves. Unfortunately, there are people like that. People who take and take and take and take and take and take and take from others, but never once have a conscience to think, "well, maybe I need to give a little back, too". With people like that, it's up to people themselves to draw a line and determine when enough is enough. And that's not the same as being hatefu at all!l It's called not being used and taken advantage of. There's nothing haram about not letting anyone use you. Please don't try to tell this sister that it would be haram for her to stop supporting her mooch of a brother, and his wife. It's certainly not.

      The deal is, Islamically, this family has zero responsibility to give even a penny to their brother and his wife. The brother chose to get married, that means he is now responsible for supporting himself and his wife. I hate it when people get married and put the responsibility of their spouse on their family. It's not your family's wife, it's YOUR wife!

      My advice would be that your brother and his wife need to be told to pack their bags and find somewhere else to live. Immediately. Not even because they never want to do things with you, but because they sound extremely spoiled, selfish, rude and ungrateful - and like they're using you very badly. That's not acceptable in any way. As mentioned, your brother is a grown man with a wife HE chose to have, it's HIS job to give his wife a home, feed her and buy her the things she needs. It's not really your problem that the money he makes isn't "enough to support them". Then he needs to find a 2nd job. Not mooch off of his family. You siblings might want to get married, too, soon - wouldn't it be more ideal that the money you waste on people who aren't entitled to them goes to a saving fund for your own married life? You can save up for a nice wedding, a nice house, a great car...

      Bottom line is: your brother and his wife will take from you as long as you still give to him. So stop giving to him :).

  2. I agree 100%with
    Above post he need to be a real man move out and take care if his wife not living
    On mommy money how sad is that.

  3. Salaams,

    If I'm understanding this correctly, all of you siblings (including the new wife you are mentioning) are all living under your parents roof. If that's right, then obviously your parents are the ones that are setting the precedent to accept what 's going on and not setting up proper boundaries to make sure the household runs smoothly. I realize that as one of the live-in children yourself, you don't have the power or authority to make any decisions that would impact what's happening.

    How do your parents feel about this? That's something you didn't mention a whole lot. Honestly, I think they would be healthiest to ask all the adult children to work and support their fair share of the living expenses. The sibling who just married should be actively working on getting his own place for himself and his wife, and your parents should be holding him accountable to this. If you and your two other siblings all agree that what is going on is intolerable, it seems to me you all should sit down with your parents and ask them to take control of the situation.

    If they don't, then obviously the issue falls back to what you (or your siblings) want to do about it. If your parents want to support your brother and his new wife indefinitely, the rest of you have the option of working toward moving out and living on your own yourselves so you don't have to be a part of it. There are options here, but in order to make them the individuals have to really want to manage this in a healthier way and stop enabling the couple or individuals who are causing the problem.

    -Amy Editor

  4. KICK THEM OUT. I'm in same situation. My brother got married at 20 because he's stupid now he won't pay a single bill and fights with us if we ask him to pay bills for him and his wife. I would love to kick him out in a heartbeat but my parents baby him. IF A MAN LIVES WITH MOMMY AND CAN'T AFFORD TO LIVE ALONE HE DOESN'T NEED A WIFE! Sick of men living with mommy and using Islam as an excuse to get married. If they're so religious in Islam it says if you can't afford marriage then fast! I don't know how women marry such freeloaders.

  5. In islam, one thing that a man should have before marriage is work that earn a money for him and support his wife. In an other words, he should have an ability to earn money is it by working or doing business. If not, then he HAVE TO FAST in order to overcome his sexual desire.

    Dont jus "Hey I want to marry so I would not do haram things" but he have at least have earning first.

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