Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Allah’s test proving to be too much for me.

Thoughts and thinking

I have so many questions... but no answers...

Assalamu alaikum dear brothers and sisters. I am in a state of major confusion about my religion Islam. I will provide some backstory to why this happened.

I turned to Allah SWT for the first time in my life in March 2015. I was smoking marijuana at the time and my only muslim friend, who I was living with at the time, also smoked. I rushed to him and asked him to teach me about Islam and Allah and he gladly accepted. I didn't quit smoking at first because I enjoyed it too much.

One night, after my prayer, I rolled a stronger joint that I usually did and smoked a little bit of it and watched some stupid comedy show. Going to bed I felt like something was brewing in my chest and suddenly I heard a powerful voice call out "There will be one more chance, there will be one more chance..." over and over again. After that the same voice called out "You have to understand" over and over again. Suddenly another voice screamed "Dont read the Quran!" and when I looked at the wall, a BIG black snake was crawling against the wall. I closed my eyes and when I opened them after a couple of minutes it was gone. I sat up and heard a calm voice say "You are going to fast for 40 days". I stood up and tried to recite Al-Fatiha, but I couldn't. I just went to my knees and my high was gone and it felt like my lungs had been cleansed from all the tar that had built up. I decided to fast for the first time in my life for 40 days the day after.

I won't go into too much detail, but I heard voices, thought birds was trying to convey something to me and spoke in languages that I didn't comprehend. On day 37 I decided to end the fast because of all the weird things that happened and on day 38 I was on an 8 meter tall building and jumped off it without any thought. I had not smoked during the fast whatsoever.

Now a year later, 8 of them spent in hospital, I'm going to treatment for psychosis and physiotherapy for my injuries. I have no sensation in my groin which have a serious impact on how I go to the toilet. I have very little faith in Allah. I have so many questions that I ask Him, but I get no reply. I know its no help to ask why Allah had this willed for me, but I just can't help it. I am broken for life.

I told my family that I converted and they didn't like it, especially my brother. He asked me after I said that I was still a muslim after the accident " Why do you follow a religion that caused all this misery for you?" I was really hurt by this and of course I started to wonder why I cling to this religion. I still believe in Allah, but I do not follow his rules nor his Deen. I ask Allah to guide me to the straight path all the time, but I do not do anything else than ask. I just despair in Allah. I have no one to talk to about this because of my injuries(meaning I can't just go out and walk to a place where muslim meet, like a masjid). It's hard to find muslims willing to talk about any of this. I want to be a good muslim, but the test that Allah has willed for me is just too much for me.

Why was I introduced to this religion only to fall away from it?

Maybe I am on the straight path?

Why do I have to go on alone in Islam?


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11 Responses »

  1. Salam Bro,

    Ur story is very much says a lot, ur dreams are very moving, it difficulty meant something. I do not have the answers, but everyone goes to hardship even I am going through it. Instead of asking questions, ask for forgiveness from ALLAH (SWT), I am not perfect and I too ask questions as things happen to me as well, I am broken mentally and emotionally.

    I think with thoes dreams satan was coming on to you, specially with the snake and not able to recite Surah Fatiha, now you were high but again ALLAH (SWT) has ways. You jumping off that I do not get, may be you are posses by jinn or black magic or evil eyes.

    May ALLAH (SWT) protect you and your iman.

    Allah Hafiz

    • Salam Bro Varzam,

      I embraced islam as my religion and for the last 10 years. I have faced numerous tests.
      tests which almost killed me. left me in despair. i was suffering . I too suffer from internal injuries with no respite from pain . I believe we can support each other . do contact me and hopefully we can find our ways to help others.

      • Rita, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties and pain. May Allah bless you and grant you ease. Please do not put your contact information here for the public to see. We don't allow it.

        Wael Editor

  2. Dear brother i really feel sorry with what happend in your past but i am glad that you realize this fact too that you are jus sayin that you accept islam with your tounge and not accepting it by your heart. Are you willing to become MUSLIM? Before you answer this question in yourself you should know the meaning of being Muslim. The Muslim is one who submits his/her WILL TO ALLAH. If you are willing then try to seek online help try to order Quran with translation at your place and strat reading for you its the best opportunity which is given by Allah to ponder over Deen. If u have internet acces then listen islamic lectures of Ustad Nouman ali khan, dr Zakir Naik and Mufti Menk. It will help you alot brother.
    You just started your journey and first few steps are always the most difficult one and the reward of this straight path is jannah which is promised hereafter. For muslims this world is a TEST... toughest the test and higher the reward hereafter.

  3. Dear brother:

    I'm sorry for what u had to go through. I have not written here for a while but after reading ur story I was moved.
    Maybe u need someone Muslim to talk too, a friend?
    I dont know if the admin here will allow u to talk to me (via email,) but the option is out there.
    Plz try online support groups, I don't know if your seeking regular therapy or not? May Allah swt make it easy ok you. I will talk to you and listen, no judging. I will pray for ur betterment and may allah give u and whoever is suffering ease. Ameen summa ameen

    • No, we do not allow the exchange of private contact information. If he needs a friend he can meet someone from the masjid or meet some male Muslim, not a non-mahrem woman.

      Wael Editor

  4. It sounds like a satanic influence or evil spirits on you .
    I understand you as I was myself was a victim of such spirits when I became close to deen e islam. Satan scares you when he sees that you are close to Allah swt. When I became close to Allah , I also used to get many dangerous waswasas , Allah swt wakes me up for tahjud and for fajr prayer , Satan used to give me horrible dreams or a jinni would attack me and will scare me through sleep paralysis to stop me from tahjud or fajr . And this all was meant to take me away from Allah swt . And yes , same like you I also tried to jump but here was Allah swt who saved me and advised me to be patient and not get influenced by Satan's waswasas.

    Satan tries his all possible ways to take us away from Allah , first he scares you as hell and then he keeps poisoning you with his waswasas and makes you sick and then would make you think that Allah swt has done tha all to you. Seems like you are so much impressed by Satan's waswasas and he has succeeded in making you disobey your Lord and his commandments. You have stopped following Allah's deen , this is the success of Satan and now he'll further poison you to leave this beautiful deen.

    1. Why did you fast for 40 days without confirming the authenticity of the voice ?
    You are new to religion islam and you have to know that such orders are only ordered by Allah almighty himself. Were you really sure that it was Allah's message ordering you to fast?
    Your first resort should have been asking Allah swt for his help about whatever happening with you. Even when hazrat ibrahim a.s had dream about sacrificing his son , at very first he didn't believe it and thought maybe it's a devil trick , but Next day Allah swt gave him the same dream about sacrificing his son and confirmed him that its from Allah swt so he believed the dream and he took his son to sacrifice and after sacrificing when he was amazed to see a dead ram , he heard a voice that ' Allah swt looks after his believers and that he doesn't need to worry " . Allah's tests are beautiful , it doesn't lead to destruction.

    You should have asked Allah swt for his help and for confirmation. Islam is a easy religion , it doesn't put a burden more than you can bear.

    2 . There are many ways to cure yourself from such waswasas and evil spirits. Messenger of Allah swt commanded us to recite ayat al kursi and quls before going to bed. The more you are close to Allah swt , the more you'll be safe from such evils. Just because these evils are attacking you , doesn't mean that you stop believing in Allah swt and blame Allah swt for this all. Believe me , in this situation no one can help you except Allah , you need Allah , what makes you think that he wouldn't reply to you and wouldn't save you ?
    Keep close connection to Allah swt , obey him , call him, trust him , repent for your sins , there's always forgiveness , Tell your Lord that I'm in such a misery but still I believe you , I trust you and I know that only you can save me , Once you call Allah swt for his help , he doesn't disappoint you. All you need is TRUST . On one hand you are expecting Allah swt to help and on the other hand you hate him , you are disappointed , you are blaming him.
    This is not the right direction ,you have to chose the right way. Once you are close to Allah , he'll clear your all misunderstandings.

    There's always a chance , turn to your Lord and repent. Pray five times and give sadqah , ask Allah's help to protect t you from these evil spirits. Trust me once you are close to Allah , you'll find Allah and His messages and help everywhere. Allah is always watching you , go to tahjud , a believer is much close to Allah in tahjud , tell him your problems m do your efforts , read quran , sadqah .. and leave the rest to Allah. Keep tawakul, none can save you except Allah.

    • Sister Samiya, you mentioned sleep paralysis. This is most likely a medical problem. You say that Shaytan does this to stop people who are close to Allah. But if that were true, it would happen to every mu'min; but it does not.

      Wael Editor

  5. Yes , sleep paralysis doesn't always have a medical cause. It can have a spiritual cause , during this , I used to see a lady in my dream that had blue round eyes and long hair.
    It normally happened after Iam done with my tahjud and quran . I normally sat alone when all members of family fell asleep and I would continue my ibadah late night .

    When I was away from deen islam , it never happened to me, but as I became this much close to my God , I started getting horrible dreams whenever Allah would wake me up for tahjud. I used to get very scared as it was affecting my ibadah and I got scared sitting alone and I can't sleep due to fear , so I made dua to Allah swt to protect me from these evils as they are scaring me from your ibadah. And alhamdulillah! Allah swt accepted my dua and slowly it all vanished away.

    It doesnt happen to all mumins because the attack of Satan on mumins faith isn't always same. He attacks with mumins by playing with their weaknesses.

  6. Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakhatu. You must understand that ALLAH most gracious, most merciful says: No one will say they believe and not be tested. And HE test the ones HE loves most. Also keep in mind, the greater the test, the greater the reward. I am a convert to lslam since 1993 I have been tested a lot. The bigest test ALLAH put on me was that my 28 yrar old beloved son was murdered over he say, she say, gsrbage. I just, which is a yesr later endured a week long trial for the man who murdered him, whom I had to forgive, and look at every day, all fay for a week. My name is Khalilah Carter look me up on Facebook I would love to talk to you in sha ALLAH because there is so much more to tell. Stay strong against shaytans whisper.

  7. Brother, do not let the whispers keep you away from Islam, you need to look at yourself before looking at what happened outside of our control, you were the one who decided to smoke, you were the one who decided to jump off 8 meter tall building. Alhamdullah your alive, and Allah has let you live even after all that, you need to change your mindset and pray to Allah, be patience, to not be hasty and blame Allah, the way iblees (devil) blamed Allah for his own mistake. Rather be like Adam (as), who turned to Allah in repentance and Allah opened up ways for him.

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