Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I a virgin?

halal or haram?

I have rather strange sins to confess; but, in order to explain myself fully, I have to give some background.
I have two elder female cousins. Our family although religious, is somewhat open in relations between cousins. Perhaps it was because, they were elder than me, we were allowed to mingle very freely. One cousin was 2 years elder than me, and the other 5 years. In my younger years, my cousins used to express a lot of their affection for me (as a younger brother), by kissing me on my cheeks, hugs, etc. As a child, I didn’t enjoy it but then, around 11-12, I began to enjoy it (as I was coming of age) and began to welcome it. When I was 11, my older cousin (5 years older than me) came in to live with us to study. She and I were given the same room to sleep in (since I was assumed a child). In those days as a child, I used to take lots of advantage of her closeness to me. For example, as I have always loved to sit in woman’s laps, I used to do so a lot with her, and she never minded that of course. Also, on the bed, I used to sleep very close to her, and e.g. when she was asleep, I would put my legs on her legs, as if I was lying in her lap and thus enjoy myself I was 11-13 in this age then.
When I was around 14-15, and had hence attained a stage of puberty, I once had to sleep by the side of my cousin who is 2-3 years older than me. As I was accustomed to that kind of intimacy in the past, I again put my legs/buttocks on her legs, and did the same. But since I was now older, I got an errection, and within moments I fully ejaculated and ruined my clothes. I did not know fully about sex back then, and did not touch any of her private parts or anything, but simply repeated that childhood obsession of lying in her lap while she was asleep. Neither did I even dare to think of having sexual intercourse with her. But since, I did ejaculate, by her arousal, does it mean that I lost my VIRGINITY?
A couple of other similar incidents followed. My lap-sitting craze didn’t subside either.When I was around 16, I once went over to my male cousin’s place, who was around 10. I was brought to think by Satan, that since we were both males, it was okay to get close to him. So, I once lied on him upside down, and this gave me a bad feeling aswell, I sensed that I was aroused and about to ejaculate, so I ran off to the bathroom. By the time, I had done my O-levels and was around 16-17, I knew what sex was. But then, there was my younger female cousin around 3-4 years old. I used to ask her to kiss me on the cheek, and that gave me pleasure. Then, once when we were alone, I picked her, took her to the terrace and hugged her, and made her sit on my lap and everything, and within some time, I was ejaculating again. On another instance, in a playful routine, I made her lie on the bed, and sat on her legs, which also made me ejaculate.

So, I have given you just a glimpse of some of the worst years of my life, in terms of sin. By the time I was 17, I realized that I had done grave sins. I’ll be 21 in November this year, and have regretted my sins ever since I was 17. I did repent to my Lord at that time, but then I started to pursue another line of action to vent my sexual frustration- i.e. masturbation. I have tried to overcome that habit as well. I am at a point of life, where one comes to realize that there is nothing of True Vale besides one’s relationship to his Creator. I try to offer Salat around 3-4 times a day, and want to cultivate a solid relationship with my Lord. But the burden of my previous sins, has made me anxious. Despite, all the fruits of life, my sins have given me a lack of self-esteem. I seem to feel that I shall never even be equal to those, who have never prayed or who even do not have any wish of getting close to the Eternal One, since I have committed grave sins. My anxiety has increased all the more, since I’m not sure as to what is the nature of the sins I have committed; am I a Fornicator? Have I raped women? I have never sought to caress their private parts or, kiss them, or try to have sexual intercourse with them. Am I still a virgin then? Or am I doomed Please- these are questions that are essential to my peace of mind. Please be honest.
Secondly, in view of the above nature of my sins, what is the nature of repentance that I should follow? I have prayed for forgiveness, and especially during this month of ramazan, always feel this passive regret over what I have done, and somewhat hopelessness over the fact that I may never be able to purify myself. Should I seek the punishment that is prescribed by the Shariah for a fornicator, i.e. a hundred lash, or is there some other way. I’ve read many verses and Hadiths about repentance and the Forgiveness granted by Allah, but the peculiarity of my case continues to make my life uneasy and hopeless. I feel, I may never be able to have a pious virgin wife. I don’t know what to do. Please, please guide me. !


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    If you have never had sexual intercourse with a woman (defined as entering her vagina with your penis) then you would still be considered a virgin. The majority of the time, as both women and men are entering puberty, there will be situations that will arouse them to the point of orgasm (ejaculation, in the case of males). This in itself is not a loss of virginity.

    Rape is forcing sexual intercourse on a woman, private part to private part. Touching, fondling, carressing, or otherwise finding sexual arousal with someone else against their will (either by sheer force and aggression or subtle manipulation to get them to placate you, such as having them sit on your lap etc) would be considered molestation.

    I agree with you that you should be very concerned about your past actions and what they could implicate for you in the future, assuming that your levels of sexual desire have not decreased. It is very serious when someone (even if they are a teenager at the time) uses others for their own sexual pleasure, especially if they happen to be of the same gender as you or small children themselves. I am glad to hear that you've been focusing on your ibadah and submitting to Allah, but there is a possibility that the fact of these behaviors having happened at all means that you have a spiritual sickness of sexual deviency. I suggest you find a professional with a specialty of treating such individuals and have them evaluate you to rule this out. It is going to be important for you to know this about yourself, because even if you got married, even if you had the max of 4 wives, these type of attractions do not just disappear.

    Beyond that, I urge you to try to find a wife as soon as possible. Marriage was made to be a haven for these type of human needs, and clearly yours are very strong. It is better for you to find a wife now than to run the risk of greater temptations by remaining single.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Will having only anal sex considered as zina and does it mean I am no more virgin.
    If yes what is the way to seek forgiveness from Allah.

    • Astaghfirullah. Yes, this would still be zinaa, and would be a great sin. To ask forgiveness, make a sincere tawbah. See this article on our website:

      Tawbah in Islam

      Wael Editor

    • Sister Zohra I also wanted to add that anal sex is even haram/forbidden in marriage too so avoid it completely.



    • OH Zohra reading your comment had turned me on now it's taken me back to square one as I am trying not to maturbate but after this I guess it's back to square one...! But why would you want anal sex and not natural sex ?

  3. I suggest you stay away from children! This does not sound like normal behaviour to me and is very worrying.

  4. slaam, if i am not virgen so i will not get my wife virgen what islaam say,s about it thanx

    • syee, if you committed zinaa in the past, but you have made sincere tawbah and are living as a good Muslim now, then you can marry a chaste woman. Make sure you get an STD (sexually transmitted disease) test before marriage.

      If you are merely divorced, then of course you can marry a chaste woman.

      Wael Editor

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