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Salam
I have rather strange sins to confess; but, in order to explain myself fully, I have to give some background.
I have two elder female cousins. Our family although religious, is somewhat open in relations between cousins. Perhaps it was because, they were elder than me, we were allowed to mingle very freely. One cousin was 2 years elder than me, and the other 5 years. In my younger years, my cousins used to express a lot of their affection for me (as a younger brother), by kissing me on my cheeks, hugs, etc. As a child, I didn’t enjoy it but then, around 11-12, I began to enjoy it (as I was coming of age) and began to welcome it. When I was 11, my older cousin (5 years older than me) came in to live with us to study. She and I were given the same room to sleep in (since I was assumed a child). In those days as a child, I used to take lots of advantage of her closeness to me. For example, as I have always loved to sit in woman’s laps, I used to do so a lot with her, and she never minded that of course. Also, on the bed, I used to sleep very close to her, and e.g. when she was asleep, I would put my legs on her legs, as if I was lying in her lap and thus enjoy myself I was 11-13 in this age then.
When I was around 14-15, and had hence attained a stage of puberty, I once had to sleep by the side of my cousin who is 2-3 years older than me. As I was accustomed to that kind of intimacy in the past, I again put my legs/buttocks on her legs, and did the same. But since I was now older, I got an errection, and within moments I fully ejaculated and ruined my clothes. I did not know fully about sex back then, and did not touch any of her private parts or anything, but simply repeated that childhood obsession of lying in her lap while she was asleep. Neither did I even dare to think of having sexual intercourse with her. But since, I did ejaculate, by her arousal, does it mean that I lost my VIRGINITY?
A couple of other similar incidents followed. My lap-sitting craze didn’t subside either.When I was around 16, I once went over to my male cousin’s place, who was around 10. I was brought to think by Satan, that since we were both males, it was okay to get close to him. So, I once lied on him upside down, and this gave me a bad feeling aswell, I sensed that I was aroused and about to ejaculate, so I ran off to the bathroom. By the time, I had done my O-levels and was around 16-17, I knew what sex was. But then, there was my younger female cousin around 3-4 years old. I used to ask her to kiss me on the cheek, and that gave me pleasure. Then, once when we were alone, I picked her, took her to the terrace and hugged her, and made her sit on my lap and everything, and within some time, I was ejaculating again. On another instance, in a playful routine, I made her lie on the bed, and sat on her legs, which also made me ejaculate.

So, I have given you just a glimpse of some of the worst years of my life, in terms of sin. By the time I was 17, I realized that I had done grave sins. I’ll be 21 in November this year, and have regretted my sins ever since I was 17. I did repent to my Lord at that time, but then I started to pursue another line of action to vent my sexual frustration- i.e. masturbation. I have tried to overcome that habit as well. I am at a point of life, where one comes to realize that there is nothing of True Vale besides one’s relationship to his Creator. I try to offer Salat around 3-4 times a day, and want to cultivate a solid relationship with my Lord. But the burden of my previous sins, has made me anxious. Despite, all the fruits of life, my sins have given me a lack of self-esteem. I seem to feel that I shall never even be equal to those, who have never prayed or who even do not have any wish of getting close to the Eternal One, since I have committed grave sins. My anxiety has increased all the more, since I’m not sure as to what is the nature of the sins I have committed; am I a Fornicator? Have I raped women? I have never sought to caress their private parts or, kiss them, or try to have sexual intercourse with them. Am I still a virgin then? Or am I doomed Please- these are questions that are essential to my peace of mind. Please be honest.
Secondly, in view of the above nature of my sins, what is the nature of repentance that I should follow? I have prayed for forgiveness, and especially during this month of ramazan, always feel this passive regret over what I have done, and somewhat hopelessness over the fact that I may never be able to purify myself. Should I seek the punishment that is prescribed by the Shariah for a fornicator, i.e. a hundred lash, or is there some other way. I’ve read many verses and Hadiths about repentance and the Forgiveness granted by Allah, but the peculiarity of my case continues to make my life uneasy and hopeless. I feel, I may never be able to have a pious virgin wife. I don’t know what to do. Please, please guide me. !

confused_distressed.