Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I a wife or prostitute?

Confusion by Keenya WoodsQuestion:

Salaamu Alaikum,

I feel very far from Allah. I feel sad every day.  I feel dead inside.  I will try to explain why.

I'm from the West. I have been a revert to Islam for a number of years. Shortly after my reversion I had an arranged marriage to a man from an Arab country.  I met my husband only once before we married with my wali present. My wali highly recommended I married this man based on his character and deen.

I was fully aware of my husband’s first wife, five children and a 30 yr age difference between us. I agreed to marry him in spite of both of these challenges. I naively thought our Islam would be enough to help us overcome any age/cultural differences. And I completely underestimated the trials polygamy could bring to your life when not practiced properly.

After my marriage I moved to my husband’s country.  I was thrilled as I had always wanted to live in a Muslim country. However I feel in my heart our marriage did not get off to a proper start. To save time I will now give you a summarized version of events that have led to our marriage problems:

-Our marriage was never secret. In fact I made it clear to my husband before we married that I wanted a real marriage, equal time and my rights in full as his second wife. He agreed yet later reneged.

-Husband's first wife rejected our marriage immediately, demanding I be divorced. Husband then refused to give me equal visits. This occurs for 3 months.

-I quickly fell pregnant.

-First wife left husband's home; continued to demand his divorce from me. Husband refused.

-Husband's visits to me during this time sporadic. I complained and reminded him of his promise to give me equal rights.

-Husband attempted to sleep in my home every other night. These were only night visits. He would come in and sleep directly. It wasn't much but at least it was a start. This lasted for about two weeks.

-One night husband's older son came to my home, damaged husband’s car by deflating tires and breaking windows.

-Husband then stopped visiting me every other night and was back to sporadic visits.

-Husband waited two years for first wife to return to his home, she never returned.

-Husband divorced first wife. This was their third divorce.

-At same time husband announced he would never give me my rights because he felt polygamy too difficult. I was to accept what he deemed a "misyar marriage" where a woman forfeits her rights or divorce. I categorically refused both and demanded my rights because I had done nothing wrong.

-I became numb with grief. I never agreed to any of his terms and made it emphatically clear that what he was doing was unjust and haram. I stayed because I did not want to return to the west. I also did not want to lose my child as he had said I could not take our child with me.

-Over the years our marriage became very strained. Husband’s visits were sporadic, often coming only for marital relations but not proper visits. It got to a point where he would literally ring my bell, give salams and walk directly to the bedroom. I was expected to follow him without complaint. This carried on for years. I forced myself to endure it because I felt obligated by Allah.

-When my child was 5 yrs old I asked for divorce. I was finished. I felt like a whore. I found his disrespect disgusting.

-I then fell pregnant again. Divorce was never pronounced. I stayed.

-During the course of a year husband remarried not once but three times to various women. All marriages failed within a matter of months.

-I now have two children with him. He does not spend quality time with them. When he does visit it is at most 30 minutes and is often inattentive to the children, talking on his cell phone or staring off into space as if he's bored.

-I consider divorce everyday but the following keeps me in this situation: no education, no skills, no job, no money, no family support system, fear of returning to non-Muslim country after making hijrah for Allah, fear of being alone and responsible for two children, fear of husband taking children, etc.

All of this is wearing me down. I accept responsibility for my role in this mess we've created, namely an arranged marriage to a man that I am one hundred percent incompatible with. It never had to be this way.

I long for companionship with my husband yet we have nothing in common. We rarely go out and barely talk. He has made it clear to me he only needs me to fulfill his physical desires and nothing more. This kills me inside. I have lost my self respect. For years I've begged Allah to make my marriage work and for years my dua has been unanswered.

Over the course of the years I have refused my husband relations because of the way he visits me. I have requested that he approach me in a more respectful manner, spend time with me, talk with me, stay the night with me, etc. He refuses. And when I do refuse him relations he calls me pig, animal and dog, saying I am not a good woman or wife. Over and over again I hear these words and how I owe him my obedience because he lost his other wife. I have pleaded with him to stop bringing this up during every argument yet to no avail. He simply refuses to accept responsibility for his own problems he had with his first wife. I never met her. I never harmed them. He has only himself to blame not me.

In essence I feel this is what hurts us the most. He blames me for his loss. Combine this with our incompatibility and we've got one toxic marriage indeed.

I do not know what to do. I feel very far from Allah. I do not understand why these are my only two options: 1-stay and suffer or 2-leave and suffer. It doesn't seem fair. All I ever wanted was to be married to a good Muslim man and for my children to have a good Muslim father. Why have we been deprived of that?

I have asked close friends for advice. Many advise me to stay others advise me to leave. I even called two Sheikhs and a lawyer in which they all advised me to stay given the following reasons:

-my husband doesn't hit me

-he provides for us financially

-divorce in the courts is messy and I will surely lose because I am a foreigner

-this situation is better than divorce

-and finally because I do not want to remarry. I am finished. Emotionally I could not handle another marriage.

I pass each day with a heavy heart. When he requests relations from me my heart sinks even more. I have grown to detest his touch. I find no pleasure with him. We have no love,  no intimacy, no joy between us. Neither of us is happy yet we carry on conceivably for the children. So my question is this:

-How as a Muslim woman am I supposed to obey my husband in this situation? Why should I be obligated to obey him when he disrespects me and refuses my rights?

-Why as a Muslim woman am I not in control of my own body?

-Is is sinful to return to a non-Muslim country after having made hijrah to a Muslim country?

This has been ongoing for seven years. I am lonely. I have few friends. My in laws have not fully accepted me. I do not know how much longer I can carry on. At this point I do not know which is more harmful for my deen; remaining with my husband or divorcing and returning to the west. Allah help me I fear the latter will surely push me over the edge and cause me to leave Islam completely. That is how low my eman is at this point.

I hope someone can respond in spite of my long post.

Thank you,

Your sister in need of advice.

Sister Z's Answer:

My dear Sister in Islam - Asalaamualaikum,

I really feel for you. Ideally you want your husband to be a good husband to you and if after going through all necessary means of mediation, he still continues to mistreat you, you want to divorce him and have custody of your children. But he knows your weakness - so he is using this against you. He is threatening to take your children away from you. As a Muslim woman you have many rights protecting you from such treatment. But unfortunately the Quranic Laws are not being correctly implemented by so called Islamic states, which is why men like your husband get away with such cowardly and vile behavior. I dont know what the real laws of your land are Sister, so I cannot advise you on what to do but I would suggest that a good place for you to start is by finding out the laws of your residentail country. Having knowledge will empower you Sister!!!

In the mean time all I will say is - this is a test for you. Alhumdulillah Allah chose you amongst many to accept Islam, you are maashaAllah fortunate in that sense. Do not let your eemaan fall weak because of your husband. I know it must be so very hard because you feel lonely and want companionship; but until you are able to find the right help - remind yourself that Allah tests us all and He(swt) also answers everyone's duas - even though the answer may not come in the way you had expected. Right now you are saying that you never want to re-marry, of course you will say that as you are so hurt, but history has proven that time and coming across that right person always heals a person inshaAllah. Do you have any friends who you can confide in? Having a good friend to lean on during difficult times can do a world of good.

Sister, I just wanted to add that I live in the UK and Alhumdulillah nothing stops me from practising my deen. I pray all my salaah at work, I am free to cover, I am free to study, I am free to attend Masjids and to see my friends and much more. If anything stops me from practising my deen, it is only from my own nafs. From my understanding, migrating to any country in order to preserve your deen is for Allah - whether it be a Muslim country or not.

I hope one of my fellow editors or readers will write in with some practical advice for you inshaAllah!!

Until then, hang in there dear one, you are in my prayers inshAllah.

Sister Z
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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32 Responses »

  1. sis

    Dont be upset and try to live happily i know u r in a critical situation, on many step of life person feel that every thing is finish but its not all over. After every night there will be a sunshine and already you have two kids if u can give them better future with out their father then move a head else you have to sacrifice atleast for your children. In islam according to me ther is no concept like this to hurt some one or to marry others and others for your physical needs. Well i can wish for you that allah will make all

    • Salaams Farhan-thank you for responding.

      It brings me comfort knowing not all Muslim men would treat their wives in this manner.

      I pray Allah helps you to always remember the high value women in your family have. Respect them, love them, cherish them and they will return this to you ten fold.

      Jazak Allah Khair.

      • Praise Be To Allah

        "The best among you are those who are best to their wives".-Muhammad(PBUH)

        I felt really bad for the life that you have endured because of your husbands bad demeanor. For what you went through reminds me of my own mother and the hardship she used to go through. But honestly the one thing that made her survive with her children without getting divorced was "Patience". When i was a child i used to see my parents fighting "physically" almost all the time i just wished they would get divorced because i was fed up with it. But now i am almost an adult(18) and I'm proud my mother had the patience to endure all those tough days and nights. Motherhood is very fundamental in the Islamic view of the family. The problem with some husbands is that they under-appreciate motherhood... But they would act as thugs, threatening all the time to divorce women. I sincerely wish you the best dua's. May Allah grant your prayers and keep you and your family away from Satan.

        “Heaven liveth at the feet of mothers”-Muhammad(PBUH)

        • Subhana Allah Ali! I do hope you read my reply to you...

          Your honesty of how your mother dealt with trials in her marriage touched my heart deeply. It brings me great, great comfort to hear you are proud of your mother for having patience and staying with your father rather than divorce. I do hope you have communicated this to her. She needs to hear this, believe me. Tell her!

          A very great fear that I have is how my children will regard me no matter the decision I make. Will they resent me for leaving? Will they lose respect for staying?

          Bad marriages harm the children just as much as divorces.

          I must be realistic that no matter what I decide it's not as if my children are going to thank me because they will be affected negatively either way.

          It is a matter of deciding which one will harm them the least.

          I wonder how your very patient mother would advise me? Contact me should she have some wisdom to share.

          May Allah protect your mother and your entire family. And may Allah guide your father and all Muslim men to follow the advice of our Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. Ameen.

  2. My dear Sister in Islam - Asalaamualaikum,

    I really feel for you. Ideally you want your husband to be a good husband to you and if after going through all necessary means of mediation, he still continues to mistreat you, you want to divorce him and have custody of your children. But he knows your weakness - so he is using this against you. He is threatening to take your children away from you. As a Muslim woman you have many rights protecting you from such treatment. But unfortunately the Quranic Laws are not being correctly implemented by so called Islamic states, which is why men like your husband get away with such cowardly and vile behavior. I dont know what the real laws of your land are Sister, so I cannot advise you on what to do but I would suggest that a good place for you to start is by finding out the laws of your residentail country. Having knowledge will empower you Sister!!!

    In the mean time all I will say is - this is a test for you. Alhumdulillah Allah chose you amongst many to accept Islam, you are maashaAllah fortunate in that sense. Do not let your eemaan fall weak because of your husband. I know it must be so very hard because you feel lonely and want companionship; but until you are able to find the right help - remind yourself that Allah tests us all and He(swt) also answers everyone's duas - even though the answer may not come in the way you had expected. Right now you are saying that you never want to re-marry, of course you will say that as you are so hurt, but history has proven that time and coming across that right person always heals a person inshaAllah. Do you have any friends who you can confide in? Having a good friend to lean on during difficult times can do a world of good.

    Sister, I just wanted to add that I live in the UK and Alhumdulillah nothing stops me from practising my deen. I pray all my salaah at work, I am free to cover, I am free to study, I am free to attend Masjids and to see my friends and much more. If anything stops me from practising my deen, it is only from my own nafs. From my understanding, migrating to any country in order to preserve your deen is for Allah - whether it be a Muslim country or not.

    I hope one of my fellow editors or readers will write in with some practical advice for you inshaAllah!!

    Until then, hang in there dear one, you are in my prayers inshAllah
    xxx

    • Salaams SisterZ and Leyla-thank you both for responding.

      Because I have already given so much personal info I would rather not name the country in which I live. Please forgive me. Suffice it to say it is a country where women are limited and where culture is very often placed above Islam. Over the course of my marriage I have contacted two native sheikhs and one lawyer from this country. They have all advised me to stay. And most importantly the lawyer advised me I will surely lose custody of my two children should divorce occur. Not only that but I would swiftly be sent back to my country, never to see my loved ones again. I could try to fight in the courts but again the lawyer advised me lawyers are expensive here and being a foreigner would surely be held against me, never mind that I am Muslim. So based on his assessment I have little hope of ending this marriage peacefully and most importantly with my children.

      Honestly the thought of losing my children has been enough over the years to keep me put. I have always known my husband was using this to scare me but given what the lawyer has told me I know now there is truth in his threats. When I asked for divorce previously I had reached a point where I stopped caring but was somewhat calling his bluff. However in the end Allah had it that I would stay given the news of my second child. Over the years I have met some women here who have lost their children to their husbands. One close friend never saw her children again. Of course none of this is from Islam but it is what a lot of women face should they choose divorce. I just cannot walk away from my children that easily, at least not on my own accord and not without a fight.

      I have gone over this a million times with my husband. He has always threatened to take them no matter what, even if I never remarried and especially if I returned to the West. I have tried to have others speak to him on my behalf but to no avail. If anything this made things worse between us when he discovered I disclosed the problems between us.

      I find it next to impossible to make a decision. Yes, it's obvious this man has absolutely zero respect for women and he will never change. It brings me great sadness to say that about my husband, the father of my children. But I have stayed here honestly believing this is the only way to ensure I can keep my children and as I alluded to earlier, safeguard my faith.

      Living in a Muslim country has always been important to me and now with children even more so. I have learned that Muslim countries are not perfect, they will never be a utopia for us. Having said that I would much rather deal with the fitnah here among fellow Muslims than having to go it alone again with the non-Muslims, especially now when they seem so hostile towards Islam. And believe me when I say I am in no hurry to step out into a very cold and uncaring world as a divorced, mother of two, regardless of what country that may be. And while returning to the West may not be a huge deal for others in my case it could be detrimental in preserving what little faith I have left. Before I became Muslim, I lived a bad life, committed great sins. It is easier for me to avoid those particular sins in a Muslim country. I know myself and I know my weaknesses and Allah forgive me I fear I would regress back to my old habits should I return to the West whether willingly or forcefully.

      So this is where I am. I constantly feel as if I'm up against a brick wall. I want to make sure I'm doing the best by my children yet I know the situation I am in is not good for me nor my faith. I know sacrifices must be made but I firmly believe even those must be done responsibly. For example: When I mentioned I have no education, no job and no money. This is a huge deal when you have children. IF I some how managed to leave WITH my children what then? With no education what sort of jobs do you think I would be up for? I can tell you...customer service, minimum wage. Because that's exactly what I had before I married. Get an education? With what money? Loans? No thank you. And working minimum wage doesn't exactly help you save up very quickly. I've experienced this hardship before. I managed to get by on this before but I was single then. Everything changes when you are responsible for children. My head starts spinning when I think of how to provide for them: a home, car, health insurance, Islamic education, safe environment, etc...and the list goes on and on. And would I really be able to provide for them a better life? In what way? Currently, in spite of my situation, I am able to stay at home with them, they go to one of the best Quran memorizing schools in our area, they have good health insurance. They have their daily needs met and I am by their side always. If I leave, I fear I would be throwing all of this away and making them suffer unnecessarily.

      Leyla said it perfectly when she mentioned I was just letting my life happen to me, allowing it to pass by without taking control. This is true. But Allah help me I do not know how to regain that control. What do I want, you may ask? That should be easy enough to answer but yet it isn't . I feel so much is missing from my life. I miss companionship. I miss joy. I miss laughter. I miss being creative. I want a more compatible husband. Someone who can be bothered to get to know me, my dreams and my passions. I want someone that values women and that recognizes she is more than just a receptacle for a man's water. I want someone that values family and who cherishes my children. I want a Muslim husband that doesn't contradict himself, who knows his deen and tries his utmost to act accordingly. I am not perfect. I have plenty of faults. And I will never forget the major reason I find myself in this situation is because I did not choose my husband wisely. I essentially let my wali decide for me which was a terrible mistake. And while I may occasionally have fanciful visions of the ideal husband for me, remarriage will never be on the table so long as it is attached to the custody of my children.

      So I am stagnant. It seems I am asking for too much and as it is, it seems Allah doesn't want me to have it.

      Allah forgive me I find it difficult to accept my qadar, to resign myself to a life that brings me so much unrest and heaviness in my heart. I love my children, I'd do anything for them but I do not know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. At the very least perhaps I could wait until they are married and then leave. But given my children are both quite young, the prospect of waiting that many more years on top of the seven seems very, very daunting to me. Not to mention the fact that at any given moment divorce could be pronounced by my husband, taking my children with him; whether I'm prepared in advance or not. And if it plays out like that it will surely bring me to the brink of insanity.

      Do you know what fills me with a tremendous amount of guilt? My close friend. The one I mentioned above who lost her children and never saw them again. For more than ten years she's not seen nor heard from them. Her situation was dire, with a very abusive husband. He beat her, divorced her, takes her children, sends her back to her country. And do you know what she said to me???

      Patience. She said she wished she would have just been more patient with her lot in life including the abuse from her husband just so she could be with her loved ones. Just so she could raise her children and have them know their mother. Now she is single, much older, little hope of remarrying, in a far away land and in more emotional turmoil then she had been before. Now, I don't believe anyone should put up with physical abuse but I do get her message. I know other women are worse off. I do not want to seem ungrateful.

      Allah help me, I will never be as strong as her. Nor as wise.

      Jazak Allah Khair to everyone who responded. Your advice is invaluable.

  3. I feel for you, sister, and you are too good. But you must take control over your life, and give your kids a better future. You seem to be an educated lady and I can suggest something you can do to make money. It won't be a lot, but it will help you during the difficult period. If you tell me your email ID I can tell you the details InshaAllah.
    If you have family and friends in your hometown, ask for their support. Otherwise I think there ought to be a Muslim support community there or somewhere near.
    As SisterZ said, research the laws carefully and do approach someone who can help you.
    What your husband did is abominable and in no way related to Islam. Believe me, there are better Muslim men out there, and though you feel damaged by this experience, you will heal InshaAllah, I pray it is soon.
    Please don't think that a divorce and return to your native land will harm your eman. Be hopeful that it will increase after you get out of this mess. Allah tests us in our faith, and yes, other people do make life very difficult for us. But faith is vital to survive. Don't let people make you go offtrack please.
    May Allah help you dear sister.

    • Salaams Abeer1-thank you for responding.

      You mentioned family and friends in my home town...

      Unfortunately what few Muslim friends I had made after accepting Islam (before migrating) have long since relocated to different cities and countries. I keep in touch with them via email but given the distance they can only do so much to help me. Also, for that particular Muslim community that I was a part of, it was relatively small and could not always help those Muslims in need. I'll give you a quick example: When I was a new Muslim while visiting the masjid for a lecture I noticed a new woman with a lot of baggage sitting next to her. She looked very sad. I tried to speak with her but she knew very little English. Long story short, I found out she had been divorced and basically abandoned by her husband. She had no where to go so she came to the masjid. Do you know what saddened me about her situation? The masjid turned her away! They referred her to a homeless shelter!!! I could not believe it! I do not mean to speak ill of them, I'm sure they helped her as much as they could but honestly based on that situation alone, among many other problems I had seen from amongst that community, I do not feel I can one hundred percent count on them for support in my situation.

      As far as family...

      They are non-Muslim and have never been supportive of me, not even before my Islam. So I cannot turn to them for help unfortunately. I really wish I could but I have learned by past experiences that the less they know about my marital problems the better lest they use this as an excuse to view Islam poorly which I wouldn't want to happen.

      Lastly you mentioned a possible job opportunity...

      Please by all means send me any info you have that you think may be useful to me in this situation.

      Jazak Allah for your help.

      • Sorry, haven't logged in for a while. Am going to mail you just now with the details.

      • Sister, is your email correct? i was emailing but it could not be sent to the address above. please, i need your advice too. 🙁

  4. Salaam dear sister,

    There is a great deal at work in your question, and I have tried to unravel the problem as best as I can.
    You are in charge of your body, you don’t have to put up with anything you don’t want to, you are free to move to another country if you feel that by doing so you are doing good for yourself, your life and your children and if you feel that it will benefit you in faith. A Muslim is a Muslim regardless of the country she is in.

    Stop making excuses for yourself and for this man. You must accept reality and see the situation for what it is and then act accordingly. It doesn’t matter if you have no money, no job, no education and so on, because all of these elements are temporary and changeable elements which can be changed. For example, you can get a job. You can get an education. You can earn and save money. So the first step is to acknowledge that none of the things that are holding you back right now are unchangeable, they are not permanent and they can be changed. “I am exceptionally short” is unchangeable. “I have no job” is more than changeable. So recognise the permanent and impermanent nature of things, and recognise your own ability to change the changeable things whenever you choose.

    What you are experiencing is the feelings of letting your life happen to you, instead of the feeling of taking charge and deciding where you are taking your life. Deciding where you are taking your life is a very difficult, brave, courageous and often painful process with massive massive rewards. Letting your life happen to you is like gambling, you live on hope that maybe it will go as it should, maybe it won’t – you just wait and see. This is no way to live my Sister. Lets not gamble with our lives and our children’s lives.

    I would advise that you completely assume 100% that the only person currently looking out for you and interested in your wellbeing right now is you. I want you to meditate on the fact that if you don’t look after yourself, no one else will. I want you to assume that whatever actions you take to better yourself and your children’s lives will be supported by forces that you cannot see, that Allah (swt) hears you and will send help to you in ways you cannot imagine. Now...ask yourself, in 3 years from now what do I want in my life?
    Be honest. Honesty means that we say things about ourselves that we would rather not say.
    Write down what it is that you want 3 years from now. Is it freedom? Is it an educated working life? Is it a different man? Is it a feeling? A financial situation? Write it down.

    Now go backwards from that point in the future to create a plan to get there. Be completely ruthless – if you have to turn your whole life upside down then you have to – it’s a sacrifice. It’s not permanent. Everything that can be changed will change. This is a strategic plan that you are writing. Don’t try to avoid difficult things – because you can’t. You must face them all. Remember that you will experience pain and hardship to reach your goal. You will suffer, you will hurt, you will agonise. You will feel fear, you will feel lost, you will lose faith, and gain faith, and lose faith, and gain faith and you will have to make tough decisions and come to tough conclusions.

    But then, at the end – you will reach your goals. And that means massive, MASSIVE rewards.
    So my solution for you is to first of all decide what it is that you want and make a plan to achieve it. If you want to leave, make a plan to get out safely and securely. Have the courage to suffer a little bit for what you know is best – and know, that after that great suffering comes massive, massive reward.

    Peace,
    L

    • Jazak Allah Khair Leyla. Please read the responses I wrote to SisterZ and Abeer1.

      I am trying to think things through as best as I can. Allah help me there is no perfect plan that will avoid placing my children and myself into more fitnah. At least this is how I've come to see it to date.

      I would love to have an actual civil conversation about this with my husband but it only ends in screaming and nothing ever being solved.

      I am scared but I know I must work harder in developing some sort of plan to improve my over all well being and most importantly my faith in Allah.

      Only time will tell what the best plan will be...

      • Dear sister,

        You can never have the 'perfect plan' for anything; and no one expects that of you either. Allah is the Greatest of Planners, we can only try to use our wisdom, knowledge, experience and advice from those who have relevant knowledge, wisdom etc to decide what to do.

        And - yes, you may be scared, but its ok to feel that way. I pray Allah takes away your fear and replaces it with full courage.

        x

  5. Dear sisinneedofeadvice
    I am moslem man. I think if you have tried to stay but nothing better happens it's better for you to leave. There are some other moslem countries that you can hijrah like Indonesia. In here the situation is better (as far as I know) coz I have a relative from Arab. Divorce is not a bad thing. In Islam divorced is allowed though it is not urged. Moslem woman also must have the same rights. About your children they can visit you when they are old enough to visit you in another country. May Allah help you and I'm sure Allah will help you.

    Syukur Ali
    Indonesia

  6. so sorry for what you are going through and completely understand your family situation and how you don't want to tell them anything bad because you dont want to make islam look bad. been there, done that. my relationship with my family is also not good. islam is a beautiful deemn, and i have in fromt of my eyes seemn a person go from a bad husband to a beautiful husband because he gained true taqwa of allah. i only used to pray, "o allah, make him amongst your most beloved". allah had mercy and guided him.
    i'm wondering why cant you just leave? look sister, i have done a lot of things because my iman was high and i thought it haram otherwise, and the other people in my life could care less. my parents were bad, my husband was bad. i still went back and back again into the house because my mother was repeatedly calling me in just to beat me up because i believed i have to obey my parents. i didn't hold/feed my baby, and stopped talking to some relatives because my mom asked me not to these things because i thought i have to obey my parents. i obeyed when my husband would ask me to visit his relatives who were verbally abusing me and my kids because i thought i have to obey my husband. i would obey him when he would ask me to do X only later to get compared to some one who is doing Y. allah wil reward you for the things you did for his sake. but i have learnt one thing. islam is not a stupid religion. yes, we have to obey husbands and parents, and others have certain rights on us, but if doing any of these things comprimises the rights or well being of another, then are we not disobeying allah actually. you have every right to be treated like a wife, and any religious man who is a true muslim would know your value. you are a great treasure. you dont deserve where you are and being in a muslim country its sad your rights are being threatened and negleted. there are many people living in the west who are converts. go to islamalways.com and go into the chat room, see if some sheikh there can advise you.

  7. i'm the same anonymous that posted my email adress in the last post. please would you delete my email adress from the post? i have been getting a lot of junk mails now.

    • cowsgomoo, I deleted your email address the same day you posted it or soon after. So the junk mail must be coming from somewhere else.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Cowsgomoo, please read my reply to Laali below, I mistakenly addressed your question to me there.

      Jazak Allah khair for your advice and offer to help. I pray Allah gives you immense rewards for your good intentions to help your fellow sister.

  8. Praise Be To Allah

    "The best among you are those who are best to their wives".-Muhammad(PBUH)

    I felt really bad for the life that you have endured because of your husbands bad demeanor. For what you went through reminds me of my own mother and the hardship she used to go through. But honestly the one thing that made her survive with her children without getting divorced was "Patience". When i was a child i used to see my parents fighting "physically" almost all the time i just wished they would get divorced because i was fed up with it. But now i am almost an adult(18) and I'm proud my mother had the patience to endure all those tough days and nights. Motherhood is very fundamental in the Islamic view of the family. The problem with some husbands is that they under-appreciate motherhood... But they would act as thugs, threatening all the time to divorce women. I sincerely wish you the best dua's. May Allah grant your prayers and keep you and your family away from Satan. For Satan loves to make couples fight each other.

    “Heaven liveth at the feet of mothers”-Muhammad(PBUH)

  9. Sister are you sure you're still in a polygamous marriage. Because you say his first marriage broke down and he is now divorced from his first wife, he then married three more times but all those marriages ended within months.

    So now you are his only wife, and your children are the only young children he has in his care. Where does he stay if he isn't living with you? Would you want him to move in with you now that he doesn't have any other wives? Maybe it would help your communication and his bonding with the children.

  10. Laali, yes I may be his only wife but that has not stopped him from referring to me and treating me as his second. He lives with his mother, three sons and three maids. He has previously explained the two reasons I am not allowed to live with him in his first house: his sons would not accept me and I being a foreigner would never be enough for him because according to him a foreigner cannot hold the tittle "first wife".

    Hence his never ending search for another wife from his own culture. He also admitted that having since experienced polygamy he dislikes dividing his time between houses. So essentially years ago he told me he would never give me and my children our full rights. And you must realize there is a reason those three other marriages only lasted for a number of months. It seems he didn't recognize the good of his first wife, doesn't appreciate the good in his second wife (me) and is on a very disappointing quest for that perfect woman. He must learn the hard way it seems.

    Based on my experience with him I have concluded he does not respect women nor value marriage, family, children. I find it quite sad that at his age he has lost sight of the value of these precious things.

    And yes, unbelievably, I am still struggling to decide on divorce. Our marriage is over, there is no love yet I've stayed in this to provide the children with stability and let's face it my husband's been in it for the physical aspect of a marriage and nothing more. I am looking for work to help prepare myself to leave but it has not been easy.

    I am still undecided if I should go home to my non-Muslim country. But I fear this would be unjust towards my children as it would distance them from their father and their culture. Of course that option would only be available to me IF he agrees to let me take them with me. Otherwise it is a moot point. So that is the answer to the question you posed to me. I cannot just leave, it is not that simple.

    First things first...I need a job. On-line work has proven unsuccessful for me so I am looking at other options although in this particular country it is rather difficult to find something that offers a decent salary. At this rate it will take me years to save up just to leave. And if it takes me years more just to leave than what is the point?

    I love that some women feel capable enough in themselves to leave a bad marriage and start anew but Allah help me I do not know how to reach that level especially all alone with absolutely no support from anyone. I feel I need to handle things wisely for the sake of my children. I cannot just leave and not have a plan but how do I plan? A home, good education, health care, etc. These are my children's rights over me. They have these needs met now if I stay. But I cannot guarantee that I can provide these same essentials should I divorce.

    I've decided that as soon as I do manage to find a stable job that I will inform my husband I want a divorce. I can't imagine this will be a civil conversation especially when custody of the children will be the first priority. This is why it is imperative that I can show him (but most importantly myself) that I have the ability to care for our children independently of him.

    Allah help me I do not know how to do this successfully.

    To everyone who may read my original post:

    This will be my last reply. I feel ashamed I have put a lot of very personal information out there and I pray Allah keeps it safe. I realize this all seems terribly one sided but Allah knows my intentions are to seek advice and find a practical solution to improve my situation. I do not want to speak ill of my husband. I have my own faults. We all have good within us. Allah knows us well.

    I thank everyone for replying and do hope that if anyone has any job information for me to please email me at

    Jazak Allah Khair to everyone who responded, it was very kind. Allah give you the good of this world and the good of the hereafter. Ameen.

    • I have deleted your old email address as you requested, though I strongly recommend against publishing any email address in this forum, or any other forum, or any public place on the internet.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • You are correct Wael. Please delete the recent email address I posted. I will not post another address. Jazak Allah Khair for your sound advice.

        • Done. In the future if there is a specific member you would like to contact, let me know and I'll forward your email address to that person.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Thank you Wael. I wasn't able to locate this website's contact information. Is it possible to delete this entire entry from your website? Jazak Allah Khair.

          • No, we don't do that. SisterZ and others have taken the time to reply, and others may benefit from the replies as well. This website is anonymous by nature, so I don't see a need to delete the post.

            Wael
            Islamicanswers.com Editor

    • SubhanAllah, I am so heartbroken reading about this woman's situation. I am in a situation where I love my wife SO much. I gave her all my love, attention, adoration, every minute I was awake. If I was in the house, outside, anywhere, I had her on the headset talking to her all the time making her feel special every day. Helped her with all her problems. Her ex-husband was so horrible to her and I was helping her cope with everything, sending money, making sure she and her daughter are always taken care of and happy.

      She made zina against me 2 times! Why? Because first time she was thinking we would never be together and was feeling hopeless. I said "That is NO excuse in front of Allah!!" She said "Yes, it was a big mistake I made tawba". The 2nd time, she said I was not giving her enough time and she decided to leave me. So she "married" another man in 2 days and made zina with him 2 times. Again, she said "It was a big mistake, I made tawbah and I swear by Allah I will never do it again!" I live in the US and she lives in Turkey. I came to Turkey 3 times and spent a month each time, exhausting my life savings, no income...just consumed with love for her.

      She was staying with her mother and brother and one day her brother beat her up so badly. The next day I came to Turkey, made her feel better, got an apartment for her, furnishings, etc. and made her daughter feel wonderful!

      When I came back to the US after settling them in, she told me "I am going back to my ex-husband for my daughter's sake". She needs her father. I went crazy! I said What are you talking about?? You are married to me!! I didn't divorce you! She said "Sorry, I am moving today". I booked a ticket and came to Turkey and she already went to his house.

      What kind of hijabi niqabi woman like this?? For over a week I am sitting in Turkey broken hearted, knowing my wife is with a haram man every day. What kind of test is this ya Allah! I am still making dua that she will come back to me! How stupid am I?? How an I love someone this much?? Where is my self-respect???

      Then I read about this poor sister! SubhanAllah, brothers and sisters, be careful about who you marry. People are always sweet when you first meet them. Get to know how they react under pressure. What makes them do the things they do.

      I still love my wife too much and am praying every day Allah brings her back to me. I will forgive her again and try to work things out. Please, if anyone is reading this, please make dua for me.

  11. What is the sister's situation now? I know it's been a while since the post, but very bad to hear. I am a male Muslim, and find this sort of men's behaviour disgusting and shameful. May Allaah help and guide them, Aameen.

    Reading this has very saddened me. May Allaah grant you patience, and reward you abundantly for all your sufferings. Aameen, Thumma Aameen. Our Du'aas are always with you sister. Remember, constantly remembering Allaah always strengthens our Emaan.

    Wassalaam.

  12. Some men are just vile and disgusting at the core and I hope Allah (swt) rewards them appropriately. I'm so sorry to here of this sisters situation. And it angers me to no end and has really put a deep sadness in my heart. That sad excuse of a man isn't dederving of such a sister. And I wish there was some way I could healp her. I hope things have turned out better for her insha'Allah. May Allah be with yiou always my dear sister.

    Your brother in Islam.

  13. Sister it's been a long time that you have posted your question, everyone have problems in thier life's but after hardship their is an ease indeed there is.May Allah have mercy upon you.Sister not every muslim treat their wives like this,arabs loves women as you are from western that your husband have too.But you should steadfast.Firstly it's satan who makes dispute among people and between husband and wive so, you're reverted you must have a good faith in islam .This life is temporary approximately 60 years
    so,let it be don't loose hope in Allah swt.Because Allah have guided you.Remember when ever Azan is call out dua is never rejected or rarely rejected.So have faith in Allah swt.Every where muslims are being tortured as well as being testing by Allah swt.Youre a good women who have obeyed your husband may Allah reward you.Indeed he is listening our prayers and He will answer them.

    There are some grammatical errors.

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