Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I Being Punished?

eman dua despair faith

I just had a question that's been playing on my mind for a while. I usually find ways to make myself see sense but sometimes I lose faith and wonder why bad things happen to good people?

My situation with my marriage made me feel helpless, and I always wonder why Allah destined that in my life. I prayed istikhara and did everything in the right way but I still ended up alone from a horrible marriage. Whereas my husband who was cheating and lying is living a life of peace.

In the same way I see some of my friends. All beautiful and highly educated girls, but struggling in life. Being messed around by potential future spouses or rejected for no good reason. Yet others who have openly sinned, gossip, backbite, never pray or even give any importance to religion are all happily married with kids living a good life.

I understand the prophets went through trials and tribulations, it was a test from God. But I in no way am as strong as that. I'm weak so why am I being put through a test at every stage of my life? Just when I thought my life was getting better and I could see a good future it ended again.

I see my siblings. They have blissful lives mashaallah. They have little tests but no major trauma in their lives and I'm happy about that, but why am I the only one in the family with problems? I'm quite sure my parents resent me for how my life is always a mess. But what can they do their stuck with me.

Just when I rebuild my connection with Allah and talk some sense into myself, I lose that connection when something else happens. I don't have faith, and I don't find peace in prayer I just do it out of fear of Allah but i have no expectations. This is even more painful than the test it self because it takes me away from God. I feel no connection. My heart becomes blocked, all I feel is sadness and pain. I just want to be truly happy for once.when will that happen - I'm too tired to live now, I'm just going through the motions like a robot until my life ends. I need relief but why won't Allah give this to me?

If I am being punished how can I come out of this punishment ? I have money, status, a good job, property but no happiness. I would sacrifice it all to have a happy life with my own family. Im losing my mind, Is there something fundamentally wrong with me?


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16 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikum Sister Bucks,

    I totally can relate to your feelings as I myself feel at times in the same way. It is natural to feel, ups and downs are part of life. Especially when we see those who have done wrong to us , who have been unfair to us , living happily question arises but you know feeling helpless is actually the proof that we are weak, we are humans and the only power and might is with Allah(swt).

    Just last week, I felt the same when I saw the pic of my ex-husband standing near Kaa'ba in Mecca with sense of peace and smile on his face. It made me question how can he live peacefully and smile happily and get an opportunity to go there when I am spending days and nights to earn for our baby , he never cares about. For him, the baby exists or not though he made high claims of being a father who will always pray but when it came to accepting responsibilities, he said either give the child completely to me or keep it with you, I will not share the responsibilities and be in touch with you for the sake of the child even after the divorce. IT HURTS. Yes it does hurts a lot but we cannot do anything about it.

    We should not think that we are being punished just because we are enduring pain and they are still happy. May be its a punishment, because we had forgotten that the real happiness can come by worshiping Allah(swt) alone. Being married, raising kids.. all this is part of life but it is not a source of happiness because you can find many people who are just going through motions of life without feeling content.

    We need to work on making our faith and eemaan stronger, it should be such strong that even when these people come infront of us and show us that they are happy and make us feel that you are suffering, we should have smile on our face rather than resentment, a smile that tells that I am just bothered about my akhirah and I am sure that Allah(swt) does not forgive those who have done wrong to others for no mistake of theirs. Allah(swt) is JUST and we all have to answer for our deeds.

    Ramadan is coming so try to make a plan to spend most of the time in understanding Quran and contributing to any NGO, try it once a week , small kids or old people..because even social interaction is required. Instead of going to places where we may find our relatives but along with different questions expressions, better to spend with strangers, needy people which can remind us the blessings we have.

    Take care.. We are here for you, don't feel lonely. It will take time. Its been 2.5 yrs now and I still suffer at times and read through this website everyday to just feel that I am not alone and read other's post advices as if that is for me.

    May Allah(swt) bless you and all of us. Aameen

  2. alhamdulillah Life is a test. Money, no happiness, no money no happiness. The only true success and happiness is Allah. people with money can't really see there problems but some can but can't definitely fix it with money. Like they say money can't buy happiness, it's a really true statement and a sad one to. Poor people that don't have money really see the problem because there problems is money or I should say test. I hope you understand the wisdom behind this inshallah. Look at people below you. Give zakat for the sake of Allah no for the sake of your problems being fixed. may Allah make it easy for you. I will keep you in my dua inshallah. Every soul will be tested to the according they can bare.

  3. Is your divorce final yet? Sister, you will never get over this man until the divorce is final. As long as you are tied to him, you will wish and hope that a miracle will happen and he will change. You will never be emotionally able to forget about him and you will never be open to new experiences and new people. There may be many wonderful and exciting new opportunities available to you right now, but you cannot see them because you are stuck in a nonexistent marriage.

    Allah is not punishing you sister. You are punishing yourself.

  4. Sister , I m a brother but I was in a similar situation ..I kept myself chaste ,never made any girl friends ..I was expecting marriage to bring happiness but it turns out to be night mare ..marriage issues got solved after 3_4 years but it gave enough tension ,headache and stress ...all details are not relevant here .... I think why people who had relationship before marriage looks happy in current marriage is probably they got experience and had better idea what they want in thier spouse and on other hand people who don't have experience try to go theoretically and expecting some miracles because they are Virgin....so people with experience seems to be making better choice and living happily after repentence ...and others feels like they are fools to end up in unhappy marriage ...After marriage I used to get feeling like why I have not made any girl friend before as marrange was disaster..but as a Muslim I know we need to still stay on a right path and thrash all sinfull thoughts ...

    • You are mistaken. People who had relationships before marriage are not happier or more successful. Statistics show that arranged marriages have a higher rate of success than "love marriages". Furthermore, you have to consider the meaning of success. If you have done something haram, displeased Allah and earned yourself punishment in the aakhirah, is that success?

      It is normal for any marriage to have an initial period of adjustment. This period can last anywhere from a year to three years, and it can be rough. It takes time for the two partners to learn to accept each other's flaws, accommodate each other's needs, make decisions together, and love each other. This does not require a premarital relationship. It only requires patience.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • No ..I don't say that having haraam relation ship is success ..haraam relationship should be avoided but my point was because if that experience people might have chosen right partner when they went for marriage as sister was asking how come people who had relation ship before and sinned are happily married now ...I m not encouraging any haraam...

      • I agree with wael. Although I understand what your saying cool, but stats do definrly show that living together/pre marital relationships are less successful. I wrote this post in a moment of weakness, I do still have periods where I feel frustrated especially since people who got married same time as me or after are now having babies and well settled, I'm having to put myself back together. But I keep reminding myself that this world is temporary, I need to try to be patient and just accept what comes my way. And when I feel fed up again I look at my elderly parents and try to be strong for them. I feel sorry for them, it's their time to enjoy their retirement not deal with my problems, their great parents they don't deserve this. If anything I pray Allah swt makes me happy so that I can make them happy.

  5. Jzk for all your advices. May Allah make things easy for us all. No, divorce I've sent the papers but he hasn't signed and nor have we communicated. I feel suffocated, I can't breathe when I think about the divorce, it makes my head pound when I think about the next steps, so I end up just stopping and pushing it out of my mind. I feel so angry for the way he is treating me I just want to pick up the phone and scream at him. I hate sitting with my family and I hate my husband, eventhough I don't want to. I'm so tired of feeling this way, but I can't help it. I'm just turning to Allah, doing dhikr etc just to stabilise myself a little and feel able to take the next step.

  6. do you really want to take divorce?
    Allah only punish those whom he wants to be in the right path. Allah never punish those whom he doesn't want to be in right path, Allah is angry on him . he is not realizing his sins when Allah want to take him to the track he will punish him or test him through difficulties.
    i read your most previous question just few lines. it is very wrong to demand dowry. dowry has relation with Islam.
    one has to take step to remove this cheap tradition from the society in order to do that please try to speak about dowry to the younger ones especially male, make them understand that it is not good and against Islam.
    long questions are difficult to read, try to ask questions precisely as possible.
    we are humans we get disappointed. trust Allah nothing will happen without his command.
    My Allah give peace to your heart.

    • Lorelei, I've never wanted to take a divorce hence why the struggle to go to court, but I also don't want to be abused. Don't you think it's better to divorce and be by myself than live at my parents house where my husband has dumped me for over a year now but is still keeping me tied to him? I've tried endlessly from the first day of marriage to make things work - I'm exhausted now, I don't care about him nor my marriage anymore. Even now at this stage if he showed signs of improvement and remorse I may reconsider but hes not - I don't hold grudges, I forgive so easily but he just won't let me back in his life. It's not even about the past mistakes anymore - I don't care anymore that he cheated, dowry etc etc, but it's about what he is doing now. A respectful man with emaan and fear of Allah in his heart would not keep me tied to him, torturing me, while he lives on like nothing has happened, living as though I don't exist like he was never married. I wish and pray that Allah would take him out of this sin, that he would wake up but he's not, so I can't just spend the rest of my life married to someone who doesn't know whether I'm alive or dead.

  7. Dear Sister Bucks,

    I wanted to take time to reply to your post. It pains me to see you hurting after so long. Ma sha allah i see you are active in your responces in helping giving advice to other ppl and hope this can come as some comfort. i read your previous posts to try and gain a better understanding of your situation. I myself, not long ago was going through a similar sitution, and see alot of myself in you in the way you are feeling and the questions you are asking. You once helped and adviced me not long ago on a similar matter im not sure if you rememeber. By the grace of allah, i am in a much bbetter place now but it didnt come easily. i want to re assusre you that things will get better in sha allah, no matter how bad things seem.

    Firstly, i want to assure you, none of this is your fault. you have to believe this and stop blaming and punishing yourself. not only is it eating away at your mental peace it is also not achieving anything.

    You loved this man, you dreamed of a future together, i understand how hard it is letting go, but ultimatley allah swt controls all our affairs. if this man was good for you, you would be with him. look how much you have suffered with him, allah has shown you great mercy by removing him from your life. you say he is not bad, you need to look at all he has done and put you thorugh, this isnt about you loving him, this is about what you deseve and you desevre to be happy. to be loved, cherished. to be made a priority, this is something your husband has not done and it does not seem he is wanting to change let alone make an efforts. i know you dint want divorce but equally you cannot be in a relationship where love and effort is one sided.

    i know its hard, and its natural to sit and replay situations thinking 'what if i said this' or 'maby had i been more patient' this would not have happened. i was a victim of this. its very hard to break but No. what you need to understand is firstly these are whispers of shaitan. you have to believe whatever has happened is the will of allah. whats done is done. its in the past. YOU CANNOT GO BACK AND CHANGE WHATS HAPPENED so what will it acheive to even think these things. will it change the past. No?its done, gone. over and cannot be changed. i read a comment where you say you miss him and wish you had been patient and turned a blind eye, sister its normal to miss the one we love but does that does not mean we have to act on these feelings. for instance, you said u wish u could go back, and turn a blind eye, do you honesty think you would be happy? knowing your husband is cheating on you, commiting zina, lying, showing you no respect and would continue to reject intimacy with you?no you would be miserable like you are now. why would you want to continue to live and spent the rest of your life with him in this manner?

    its never easy to let go, or when we see others sinning and happy in there life, but u have to remember if you beleive in allah and the last day, know that allah is just, he is fair and he has a plan for us all. make a firm resolution from today, if you do not pray then pray 5 times, start to read quran even its 2 pages with translation every day, if thoughts of him come in your head DO NOT ENTERTAIN THEM. its hard very hard but trust me soon thoughts of him will become less.

    you have to trust allah will provide and take care of you. you cant say you trust allah and then question his path for you. being patient means trsuting allah in whatever he chooses for you. weather that means you are happy or in pain.

    ma sha allah you say u have a good job, everything seems only thing you are lacking is a partner. in sha allah when u have healed allah will send the rest person to you. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THIS.

    you asked why are you being punished. if you are living a life in obedience to allah and yet things are still going wrong, pls do not get down, know that it is a test, and allah will reward you for your patience and replace it with something much better. this is his promise to us. subhanallah. if you are sinning in any aspect of your life and disobeying allah then the sadness you feel is from displeasing him not becasue he is punishing you.

    also you cannot focus on ppl around you and compare your life to thiers. how do you know what is really going on. everyone has thier own luck and god grants us blessing and trials in many differnet ways. some ppl are blessed with good husbands yet no children. some have a children yet they have health conerns or financial issues. every is tested in different ways. people would look at me and assume my life is perfect, that i had an amaizng job, wealthy family, would always compliemnt me on how pretty i was and said you are so lucky and blessed but had NO IDEA how badly inside i was suffering. just because we paint a picture of happiness and a mask to the outside only allah knows whats in our hearts.

    pls do not lose hope and waste your tears and life over a man who couldnt even care enought to be a good husband to you. take each day as it comes and do dua to allah to help you move on in life. one day at a time and is sha allah you will get there

    pls remember me in your duas

    xxxxhugs

    • Jzk sis for your thoughtful advice. I'm glad your in a better place. May everyone who is suffering be relieved of their hardship. Ameen.

      I understand what your saying and what everyone else is suggesting. I'd never thought of divorce ever, nor had I experienced it via someone close to me. So although I took the big step of sending him the initial divorce papers, the thought of now forcing the process to move forward makes me feel really suffocated, it goes against absolutely everything I believe in. I'm finding it painful to end my marriage with my own hands.

      I hate to see someone else's marriage ending, so to see my own is destroying me. The thought of ever letting another man in my life, or having in laws that I'll need to get to know all over again, going through the process of meeting news guys, getting to know someone, being rejected or rejecting, the process of marriage - it was hard enough the first time, I hated it and was so relieved when I finally married someone who I thought was going to be my partner for life. It's going to be difficult to repeat the whole process again.

      Also I'm not that young anymore, I've wasted three years of my life on this guy. I've made mistakes but so has he and still is. I feel scared now because I don't love him like I used to, I have this hatred building up in my heart towards him which I never had before, and I don't like that.

      I'm giving myself time to have final closure. I'm doing it by praying and turning to Allah, and praying for my husband until he remains my husband. Tahajjud, five prayers, dhikr, Quran, everything i can think of to become closer to Allah and ask Him to save my marriage. I want to do this for the next few weeks only, at least this way I know that I've tried absolutely everything.

      Maybe one day I'll be able to get rid of this guilt I feel too.

      • Hi sis wanted to ask how you're doing now?

      • As salam sis ,

        Reading your story makes me feel like its exactly my story. I am too going through the same stress now that im divorced . In my hard times i just asked Allah to show me the right path which is good for both of us and our akhirah . I used to read HasbiAllahu nyamal wakeel and La Illaha illa anta subhanak inni kuntu minaz zalimeen . I also did istikhara to seek Allahs will . And finally Allah helped me pe patient and finally end my marriage. I always kept saying sorry to my husband and going back even though not my fault . But with Allahs help i dont know the last timei felt strong and he dint make me feel sorry . may be coz Allah knows that we women will say sorry and go back no matter what but again they will treat us same and we will be oppressed. Allah is the best of planners and we must trust his decree.

  8. Salam alykom.i cried reading ur words not because yoi think your being punoshed but because u have not idea how life could be so much worse....dont ask allah why always say alhamdolea ....aysha .xx

  9. Salam everyone,
    I can relate to what everyone is saying here and probably share similar feelings But, I am learning to conquer my sadness and negative feelings by having stronger tawakul.
    It's been a while since my divorced was finalized, spent most of my time trying to raise my kid and becoming independent.
    Even after all that , I haven't found complete peace but whenever those thoughts comes that makes me question Allah's will I tell myself that 'I surrender to the will of Allah". I have increased reciting quran, spend more time volunteering, learning new things and stuff to build my akhira.
    I know it's hard to and takes times and our emaan fluctuates but know that Allah knows best and he wants the best for us. May be its better for us to be single so we stay away from bad deeds (only Allah knows).
    Anyway, I pray for your peace and pray to Allah that you find what you desire and that He gives brakah in it for you all (Ameen).

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