Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I being too choosy in turning down proposals?

Marry someone you think will make you better

Salaam to all who read and respond, May Allah grant you the utmost faith and prosperity and grant you success in this life and the hereafter.

I apologise in advance for going off on tangents please be patient with me.

Some insight... I'm 21 years old, female, in my final year at university, observe hijab and hold Islam highly valuable to my being. I have an amazing network of family and friends Allhamdullilah.

My problem however is like most girls my age and stage in life and that is MARRIAGE!

Since school days I longed to be a bride, I got to 16 and learned that I must study in the mean time as I was clearly immature and mainly there was no boy. So I battled my way through till now. Allhamdullilah I abstained from haram relationships but would be lying if I said I hadn't slipped up along the way in other ways. However now I'm at that stage where loneliness is overwhelming, all my brothers and sisters are now wedded.

Since I reached the golden age of 21 and nearing the end of my degree Allhamdullilah I have received some interesting wedding proposals. All 3 of which my family were/are involved in and all 3 of which feel completely wrong to me only ....Am I being fussy or is this feeling normal. I have always yearned marriage to complete half my deen. Till date I've kept the urge occupied through other means such as studying/working and have abstained from haram relationships despite a few occasional glitches which I pray Allah (swt) forgives me for.

My family have been all super excited and really would have loved me to accept either one of the 3 proposals but the boys never felt right and leave me full of sorrow and confusion. It's not like I'm in love with someone else but they don't feel right. I either can't communicate with them, feel no chemistry, no attraction, no mutual understanding. But am I being really superficial? Or should I have accepted one of those proposals?


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4 Responses »

  1. Sister, do you want to be married or do you want to have a loving, supportive relationship with a man you can share your life with? If you just want to be married, pick any warm body and set a date. If you want a marriage that is a relationship, then you need to seriously evaluate very proposal you get to make sure that you are compatible, that you're attracted to him, that you can get along with his family, and that you see eye to eye with fe guy on all the important things in life. I don't think you're being picky or fussy at all; you're doing what you need to do to pick a good husband and have a successful marriage. You are very young and you will inshallah receive many more proposals, and inshallah you will find a man who will share your hopes and dreams and who will be a loving partner to you in this life and the next.

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    you said no chemistry, chemistry is temporary, no attraction? don't be fooled with this whole i need to be attracted thing. attraction comes in all forms not just the physical. you can develop attraction and feelings for someone over time and vice-versa and lose attraction and feelings for someone. no mutual understanding? i can understand that that, but everyone thinks and views things differently. just cos you don't see eye to eye does not mean you cant work things out. it doesn't matter even if your on the same page, to make a marriage work, it needs, compromise, understanding, patient, considerate etc. if one knows this you can overcome your differences.

    as you said, you want to complete half of your deen. marriage is a form of ibadah. remember as Muslim, we have a goal and reason, not like the non Muslim who base their marriage on attraction and love.

    don't get me wrong, if you not happy, then decline. marriage is hard work, its no walk in the park. if you not happy with your proposal then say no.

    find a spouse who will lead you in dunya and akhira.


  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Chemistry is important and there should be a glimmer of hope for some attraction. If you feel nothing for any of these people, perhaps you need more information about them? Were the meetings just the one time?

    You mention being lonely--but loneliness is worse when you are with someone you have no chemistry with. So, make your decision carefully and pray Isthikhara. Try to pinpoint specifically what it is that you are looking for--to help you make the decision.

    I do not think you are being fussy and choosy if you have had 3 proposals--that really isn't a whole lot. Write down a list of things that you want to find out about the person and go through them in one of those meetings you have when your families are together. Also, attend a marriage seminar for Muslims if possible or watch some videos to give you ideas of what to look for. Don't rush just because you are lonely or because of family pressure.

    May Allah swt help you to find the right husband for you, Ameen.

  4. Sister,

    You could very well be my own daughter. She too has had 3 proposals from very good families. The first family who asked for her hand in marriage were very well off and she would never need for anything, the second family called my husband non stop because they wanted an answer right away and the third family in my mind would have been perfect in every way. daughter just like you felt no connection. No chemistry...nothing.

    Don't kid yourself, chemistry, attraction or "butterflies" as my daughter refers to them, are very important. Of course these are things in addition to whether he is from a good family and so forth.

    With these men my daughter clearly stated to me, "mom...don't get me wrong, the guy was very kind and very respectful however, there was nothing there". As much as I would like to see her say yes, I must respect her decision.

    Each and every day I pray that a good brother will come for my daughter that she believes is the one for her. I know my daughter gets lonely and feels down some days however, she has never regretted her decision she made for any of the proposals that have come her way. Marriage is a commitment and not something you go into half hearted. May Allah guide a pious brother your way that you find a connection to.


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