Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I being trapped by my ego?

Dua woman at Sunset

Asalaamu Alaikum brothers and sisters,

I am sorry if its too long. Its just because its hard to describe it in proper words.

I am in a lot of emotional confusion because of some mistakes I have made in the past. But alhamdulilah I have repented and by His mercy moved away from those mistakes to try to live my life on the straight path except I feel dragged and burdened by my emotions.

It all began by falling in a haraam relationship. I met this person before I was a muslim and learned about Islam only after knowing him. I eventually converted to Islam but I keep thinking that it all started through haraam so how could something so wrong lead to something so right. Why did Allah lead me to Islam through something He has forbidden?. After having my heart crushed I found out the real meaning of tawheed. But it wasn't as if I was trying to live by it. I would beg again and again to the wrong person but it ended without me putting any effort to end it.

As much as I know myself I am a person who lets go very easily, who forgives easily but this time it feels like a huge burden on my soul. As if I need some closure but am not getting any. I tried forgiving for Allah's sake but it all comes back to haunt me. Is this because of my ego? I know this is the test Allah has promised the people who say "We believe" so please tell me what am I doing wrong? Am I not trusting Him enough? But I see darkness when I imagine the future and yet don't mind because accepting islam feels the most right thing.

I really believe that whatever Allah wills is the best and  I am patiently enduring the resulting pain of loving someone more than Allah and spiritually I have never been at more peace in my life as I have been after accepting Islam but this heartbreak feels like a virus which is eating me up slowly and affecting my faith. There are days when I am high on my faith and in my love for Allah and days when I am totally devastated and crying my eyes out in prayer asking for the burden to be lifted. I don't even ask Allah to send that person back to me simply because I have accepted that whatever happened was for the good but again there is this part of me that wants to make that dua. But the other part knows how far away from Allah I was when I had this person but now its different because I have learnt my lesson.

Sometimes I feel its my ego that has been hurt. I was discriminated for being a convert by this very person after committing to marry me, he stopped me from doing the right thing, questioned my faith, said he felt embarrassed to pray to Allah because of the mistakes I did before I converted and himself repented for his sins like it was some kind of a formality(I know this because he wouldn't even flinch to commit sins). Only Allah knows what kind of muslim he was but as I see it he did all this and more because of a grudge he held against me. I am ok with him not forgiving me, abandoning and moving on with his life but how do I weed this cancer out of my life? It feels like marriage might solve these problems,  but I do not want to be selfish (and on the marriage front it all seems very bleak). I was very hurt but I understand we are only humans, for now I just want to put this thing behind me. We parted on a good note and I said I forgave him but in my heart I want to rant at him and show him how wrong he was. But I also know that we should return evil with good but then what do I really do about it for myself? When will I be able to forgive?

I have had so many of my duas answered and and now I want to ask for this but I am scared I might displease Allah again. I do realise that all of it was because I disobeyed Allah and I would never do it again
I feel so blessed and grateful for being on the right path now but I keep faltering on this one thing. I mean why won't this go? Why is it not over yet? Its so hard to truly forgive when the person has not even asked for it but I really want to. Even after seeing the good in this, knowing that nothing belongs to us only to Allah, having hope that I will be restored with something better someday inshaAllah, even having guidance by my side, what point am I missing here?

I am not even depressed alhamdulilah. And I am working on my faith. I do a lot of istighfar and zikr, alhamdulilah and it always helps whenever I feel trapped. I want to really weed out this problem from its root. I keep asking and asking to be guided, to be able to get to the root of the problem so I could work on it. I feel punished for things I didn't even know were so wrong. It is testing my patience but I just wish I knew when it will end as its affecting other things now and I hope someone here will help in pointing it out to me and suggest ways to give it a closure inshaAllah :). And keep me in your duas!!

JazakAllah Khair and Allah Hafiz

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4 Responses »

  1. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    First of all, I congratulate you for finding Allah and for keeping steadfast on the right path, MashaAllah- I could sense the light and love of Allah in your writing, and this indicates the strength of your imaan, and the love of Allah for you. May Allah continue to keep you on His love and imaan. Ameen!

    Anyway, the way I think of the situation is that, Allah loved you so much (before you accepted Islam) and therefore wanted the beauty of Islam for you in the first place, and then Shaitaan made you went through the wrong direction, and then Allah rescued you, Alhamdulillah. Now you are guided by the Grace of Allah, and Shaitaan won't stop confusing you and tempting your faith.

    As for the guy, if he was the right Muslim man for you, he would have married you after his/your repentance, so do not look back for him at all, as doing so is part of the tricks of Shaitaan, who is trying to confuse your feelings.

    Continue following the guidance of Allah which has become clear to you. Observe the things that make you feel the love of Allah, and then keep up with those things. You should be healing from time to time till you completely get healed, inshaAllah.

    I do not know if you have any good Muslimahs as friends, whom you could discuss much about what you are facing right now. They should be able to lift you up when you feel this way, inshaAllah. And things should be ok gradually till you get married and feel better, inshaAllah.

    One thing I think could also help is that, during your zikr try to improve your heart to feel the closeness of Allah and His love, and communicate with Him as your best and close friend, and tell Him many times that you really love Him very much. InshaAllah if He also say the same to you, you would feel more than happiness in your heart, which will be extended to loving your future husband, children and everyone for the sake of your love for Allah, inshaAllah.

    May Allah ease your pain, and may He increase your love for Him. Ameen!

  2. As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,

    You can look at and analyze things in many different ways, but the best thing is always to gain some lesson or wisdom from any bad situation you have experienced. Sometimes we have to experience bad things and sink to a low point in order to make meaningful changes in our lives. Sometimes people who convert to Islam are vulnerable because they think that all Muslims are good and then they become disillusioned later on when they find out this is not the case. If you were able to find this out early on, then it will help you be more discerning as you grow in faith and eventually choose your life-partner. Maybe you needed to have this experience in order to stay safe later on. Also, when you found Islam, this certainly impacted the person you were involved with. Perhaps it was some kind of wake-up call for him, too. They say that time heals all wounds, and I believe this to be true for the most part. Allah SWT even tells us in the Qur'an that "with every hardship comes ease." When I look back at some of the most difficult stages I passed through in my life, I clearly remember thinking that these difficulties would not ever pass. But they did, and now they are just memories. As a new Muslim, you have a whole new life in front of you. I would say to make the best of these days as they are very special and will not ever come back. Someday, you may find it in your heart to forgive if that is important to you. You will have a different perspective on life and perhaps better understand what motivated both you and the other person. Time gives us new perspectives, and I don't really think they can be expedited or rushed. So for now I would say just concentrate on living and taking things one day at a time.

  3. Wa alaikum Asalaam

    JazakAllah Khayr brother Issah and Amel

    @Br Issah -- Your advises has always helped me through my hard times. May Allah reward you I had posted this sometime back but it just got published. I just want to let all know that alhamdulilah I have healed and indeed He is the Healer and Turner of hearts. No tears last forever. Not only that but it looks like this hardship did a world of good to me, I am much stronger and brother I never knew what patience was until now
    The only thing I can’t figure out is how do I thank Allah SWT enough for this blessed hardship because it bought me so close to Him. I never knew a better love and I think that is what this desperation was meant to do
    when I look back through all the crying and begging, all I remember is how Allah heard me and never left me to myself. I knew He always heard.
    To all the troubled people out there and here on this forum. I have always kept people on here in my prayers One thing I would like to tell all is never ever leave or miss your prayers. And whatever happens is not best by the virtue of looking back and realizing it was good but only by the virtue that Allah willed it
    I just want to quote what Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyah (ra)said “O you who are patient! Bear a little more, just a little more remains.”

    And from our beloved Holy Quran

    “And be patient for the decision of your Lord, for indeed you are in Our eyes.” (52:48)

    May Allah guide us and bring us closer to Him. ameen

    • Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helped me so much. And then alhumdullilah for you second post, gave me so much encouragement that inshallah I will get better too.

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