Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I doing haram in thinking about other men?

Arguing couple

Editor's note: see this person's previously published question here:

We’re newlyweds but six months later, we are physically fighting

Asalamu aalaikum,

Well it has been about three months since that horrible fight. To be honest, we are okay now. Now when we fight its usually because hes claiming my attitude is bad with him and I'm rough with him. That hes "tired of the way I treat him". I'm growing weary of hearing that!

I don't understand what makes him so convinced that all of a sudden my attitude is bad and rude towards him. And the reasons he uses are hard for me to see where he is coming from. I feel like hes so touchy with me and I get frustrated. Then HE gets mad because I get frustrated and round and round we go.

Our "fights" have now developed into a routine as mostly where one of us is upset, we stay quiet with each other, then later one of us goes and gives a hug then pretty much everything is over. We or mostly I cant handle talking to him because usually the things I say make him mad...and when I make him mad...well you know where it can lead. I try to talk but when I see him starting to punch the bed with his fist or slamming the door...I hush up. I don't ever want to see that side of my husband again.

He has a very sweet heart for sure. He loves me very much. I know it might be hard for you to believe but I honestly see the love and passion he has for me in his eyes. Even when hes angry. one thing for sure I will always know, is that my big loving Mr.Hulk is always going to love me, despite HOW he handles his uncontrollable anger.

We are doing very well. From time to time I get tired of him or irritated and annoyed by him or bored with the thought of him and start to daydream about how my life would be like if We divorced or we never got married... sometimes I even daydream about my past guy crushes when I was in high school or a spontaneous "likings" for someone. And most of the time I don't realize it. So when I do I snap out of it and feel so guilty because I think of how mentally and physically my husband is faithful to me and He doesn't deserve that from me.

The only thing I can say that my husband has ever been guilty of was his anger issues. But now that he is the best of the best in my eyes, I've begun to realize theses things about myself I didn't pay attention to before.

Please can someone explain to me why I am like this, Ive noticed this only started happening when I got married. I tried to tell my self it was just unsatisfied curiosity, but its starting to fade.

- emik

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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Aleikum Emik,

    Wow... what a turbulent relationship. It seems as if both of you are very emotional. I can understand that it is

    very exhausting to have fights, it's like climbing a mountain. In the end, even if everything is ok, you feel as

    if someone has literally sucked out all your energy. I've made the experience that very often( thatdoesn't have

    to apply to you as well, but very often) women fail to understand their husband's anger. That's not a justifi-

    cation for his outbursts, but often men don't talk about everything the way we do and tend to express things

    in emotions. It's important not to add fuel to the fire- but to be calm, indifferent and to ignore the person

    and the remarks. Day-dreaming, again, is a very "female" habit, at least I don't know any man who

    loves day-dreaming. Very often, we day-dream because we feel unhappy, it is a subconscious suppression

    of anger. You mentioned that your husband has noticed a change in your behaviour. Is it possible that

    this day-dreaming affects your emotions? When I was younger, I created a prince-charming in my head

    without any flaws, mistakes or bad habits, a prince who is wealthy, sensitive and adores me day to night.

    But reality, I' m pretty sure, can never be like that. Even if you had married your early love or someone else,

    you'll never have the guarantee that everything's perfect. Fights occur in every relationship and if someone

    doesn't have a bad temper, he may have another flaw. That doesn't mean that it can't become perfect.

    But not without the necessary efforts and work. You say you love him. Instead of day-dreaming of someone

    else, day-dream of a perfect relationship with your husband. That would be better for your nafs, now,

    you live in an emotional rollercoaster. It' s hard to assess situations or marital conflicts when you don't have

    the opportunity to listen to both sides. I don't know your husband' s side. You mentioned that you love him,

    he has passion and love for you. That is a fundament a healthy relationship can be built on.

    If he really loves you, you could consult a therapist together, a couple therapist, who would listen to both of

    you. He must learn how to control his anger. The therapist could help him to become aware of this issue.

    Jazakummullah khair Sister

    May Allah protect both of you

  2. Assalamu alaykum sisters,

    MashaAllah sister Jannah that was such a beautiful respond may Allah (swt) reward you with Jannah... Sister Emik make constant dua in every prayer and try to busy yourself with dhkir of Allah (swt) and try at least once a day you and your husband to set down and read Quran together and whenever you feel angry go and make wudu and say astaghfirullah, be alert and see what upset your husband. I advice you also to write down what makes you angry about him and tell he to write down what you do that makes him angry and then discuss it together and try both of you not to do what gets the other angry. Remember that compromise is the key for a successful marriage, when you see him angry even if you are right cool down and don’t leap at him instead speak to him when he has calmed down. About your daydreaming I personally think it’s because you’re going through a hard time now and its the waswas of shaitan so make continues dua to Allah (swt) remember Allah (swt) said:
    "Call on Me; I will answer your (prayer)"
    May Allah remain and grow the love between you and your husband and rewards you with righteous offspring.
    Your sister in islam

  3. Thank you Sister Thuwayba. May Allah reward you with Jannah as well.

    Jazakallah kheir

  4. salamualaikum,
    i think of you as a little sister, and if my little sister was in your place i would say leave! there are men who have anger issues, they fit the descriptions that you mentioned like blaming the wife for making them mad and getting angry to the point of leaving the house when the wife is sad or says something about their behavior, and the wife being scared of saying anything. but yours has gone as far as physical violence, not just yelling or anger. you are young and the feelings of love are so strong making you blind to any practical or realistic.
    live with him long enough, and your perception of reality will change. you will not know who you are or what your purpose in life is. your good qualities will vanish. you will come to believe that you deserve this treatment. being in such state of mind with young kids is really bad for kids, having two parents whose mental state is not healthy.
    i know you really love him, then try counselling-although i suspect he might not follow through. try getting him to meet good, pious people. pray, pray, and pray. if all this fails, leave. he is this way because this is what he has been his whole life. if you pay attention, you will realize he behaves like this with everyone. if not beating them up, then probably he has anger issues and might be controlling, lying, and manipulative. this is how he is. this is how he interacts with his world. there's nothing that you or anyone else can do to change him. If there was, wouldn't someone have changed him by now? the change has to come with him. he has to realize that he has some anger issues, he has problems with interpersonal skills, then he will change. nothing or no one can change him, except the creator of the universe if he wills.
    i will this time find some links for you and send them to you.

  5. listen, i will find the links tonight when the kids are sleeping. my daughter has been playing alone for a while now, so i have to play lobster with her! and we have to run to the store to get her snow pants too before my son comes home from school.

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