Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I a Girl or a Boy?

Transgender and Islam

I lived the first 15 years of my life in an Arabic muslim household in the middle east. i was then moved to the usa.

as far as i could remember i was being molested by 5 men by the age of 5, no body told me it was bad i liked it and by the age of 7 i was seeking it, around that time it was brought to my attention that i was very feminine, i was sad because  i thought i was normal until i was called names by kids at school for being me, i then became sad depressed and lonely in a nation that has no tolerance for anyone who is different we are very ugly to those who are abnormal,

so i am in america and took hormones to become a woman in the process my family gave me up, i am more sad than ever i am an outcast by family i am not welcome to their lives i am lonely have no friends anymore and can't trust anyone or anything i fear everybody since so many people hurt me early on,

i am sacred, i have nowhere to go and i read some supportive answers on this site for transgender and not so nice ones, weren't we all born by the same god are we all challenged in different ways and who is better or worse than me we are all equal, should i just die then and rest this world of me?

~ confusedinusa

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19 Responses »

  1. Dear confusedinusa,

    First of all, thank you for taking the time to post your question. I am glad you did. I can hear from your post that you have been through a lot and I wish i can send you a virtual hug.

    The thing is Allah loves all of his creatures that he has created, but he has created some rules and boundaries that we need to follow. My friend you are treading on a dangerous path. You already know from what you are telling me that changing your body such as taking hormones is haram. Why is it wrong? Because you are altering your body. You are technically not even allowed to get a tattoo, let alone change your hormones.

    If you are born a male, then you are a male. Islam is very clear about that.

    As for the molestation as a child, i am so sorry to hear that, and Allah alone can deal with and punish those who molested you as a child. This is not natural, and its played a huge role in effecting your sexuality as an adult. Dont let it.

    As a child you have had no choice in what was done to you- now as an adult you do:

    1) You can continue with your hormone therapy and i am assuming (sorry if wrong) a relationship with other men. This will only take you away from your lord. There is no nice way of saying it, you are straying from Allah because homosexual relationships are a huge sin. Its a big nono. i am sure you read all the posts about homosexuality in islam and i do not need to repeat the seriousness of this issues.

    2) You can stop your hormone therapy and continue to live as a male. Also, you have to avoid men and begin to develop a relationship with a woman. This will be hard, but if you want to change you can do it slowly.

    One thing i have to add is, please dont give up on yourself or the world. Suicide and depression is not the answer. Suicide is an even worse sin then homosexuality because that will lead you straight to hell. it means that you dont trust in Allah's plan for you, and have no faith that he is your provider and sustainer and that you cannot turn to him when things are at the absolute worse. which you can and should.

    I know life is very challenging right now and i cant imagine what you are going through. Please dont give up on Allah's mercy, and dont think that you have done too much to go back to the right path. You can still ask for help and you can still be forgiven only if you seek help.

    If you are not willing to change that is your choice. But if you want to change and get back to Allah- i really suggest you go to a masjid, or islamic centre and speak to someone who can be able to give you support. Allah makes his rules very clear, do the 5 pillars of islam, and avoid the major sins such as homosexuality and really changing your body is not acceptable as well. Also, to make a big change- just take baby steps, you cant change overnight who are and have been- but for example you can stop the hormone therapy and take ownership of your male body and wear it with pride.

    As for your family, i guess the change you are going through is hard for them. Have they stopped talking to you for a long time or is this new? No matter how long they have stopped, keep calling and letting them know you miss them, need them and that you still love them and want them in your life. They will come around, because i am sure they miss you even more. Never give up on your family.

    I Know that its tough right now-but if you are still muslim and want to go back to your creator- do the basics of praying, make dua that Allah makes things easier for you, and never give up on Allahs mercy.

    There is a hadith:

    Allah's Messenger said that Allah said: He who comes with a good deed, its reward will be ten like that or even more. And he who comes with vice, his reward will be only one like that, or I can forgive him. He who draws close to Me a hand's span, I will draw close to him an arm's length. And whoever draws near Me an arm's length, I will draw near him a fathom's length. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running. And whoever faces Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, I will meet him with forgiveness nearly as great as that, provided he does not worship something with me. (This Hadith is sound and reported by Muslim, Ibn Majah and Ahmad in his Musnad). Another prophetic tradition says: (He who met Allah associating anything with Him, will enter Hell) (Muslim)

    Brother, this life is very short, and we will all die and meet Allah one day. That is a reality. The more you struggle and follow what Allah has required of you, then you are set for this life and the after. I wish you healing, and most importantly to find peace in your life.

    Cheers,
    Samira

    • Additionally, changing one's gender amounts to changing the Creation of Allah, which is Haraam.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamu Alaikum,

      Brother, I recognize that you went through an awful thing as a child. When you were a child you were the victim of the monsters who molested you. Now, as an adult, by seeking inappropriate fixes for yourself, you are somehow still allowing your molesters to control you. Please, do not stay a victim of your past.

      Sister Samira gave you a good advice. I will just add that ALLAH knows you. No matter what happened in your life, He sees it all. Turn to ALLAH, He will help you. Even if everyone gave up on you, Allah will never do that to you.

      You came to this site to ask for help. It is a sign that you want to change for the better. Read again through Sister Samira's post, she really gave you a good advice.

      May Allah help you find peace,

      Reader

    • Assalam o ALaikum Sissy,
      Well I am a female Alhamdolillah and due to an awful incident with a transgender in our area I was planing to do something for them for which I must have knowledge. While going through internet i saw this "https://www.dawn.com/news/1267491" after which i was feeling good and i felt that there is a way for them. But now as You said I am unable to decide what can I do as I dont know the reality of all this. What I know is that these people are not treated well in our area. What people do to them is unbearable and the thing is that Trangenders in our area are bound to do all those things since early childhood. Will you please tell me about all Those people. I dont know whether it's only psychological disorder or Physical as well. Kindly guide me and please tell me what is it all about? I might be wrong Sissy but what I noticed is that there is some physical difference like there facial skin and appearance that make it different. Kindly guide me and tell me what is it about?
      Plus another point here is that we all know that psychology and psychological needs that You and many of my Muslim Brothers and sisters mentioned arise after a specific age, what about those people who are given to trangenders few minutes after birth saying that they donot belong to the real family and as they cant deal with it.
      I hope my question is clear and I haven't hurt anyone in the course, I f I did so kindly pardon me and please answer me so that I may proceed.
      Jazak Allah u min Khairan Kaseera.

      • Eva, it is always wrong to hurt or abuse other people, no matter their appearance or status, and it is always a good thing to help others, no matter their status.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Just like to say you are very brave for coming to accepting your issues. Reality really does hurt and ive been through things where acceptance was very hard. I used to go bed crying and doing dua to allah. You can be a prisoner to your thoughts or you can free yourself by entering islam in humility seeking forgivness to allah for sins you have commited unknowingly. All drugs have side effects so stop taking them. Be proud of your body and self and understand that there are other people who are worse off then you. If you have grown attached to men as it was with me then really deattach yourself and understand what it is these people give you that you feel you want, usually its love or security or something; but understand that you are not a slave to your basic desires and that you can create yourself whatever it is you seek from these people with the help of allah. I suggest just getting out the translations of surah an reading them; it helps me to know that in the chaos of life i can refocus entirely back to allah and feel that everything is not so bad afterall. Start fasting, it makes everything so much more simple.

  3. Assalam

    Please donot take any hormones or so If you are a Boy then remain so ..... calmly . . .

    gradually you can get peacefull . . . and keep in touch . . .

  4. assalamu alaikum...

    i just want to to say that the best advice u can get is what sister samira gave u. and am very happy she was the first.

    Allah swt says he is yaa ghafarul rahim.... the Forgiving merciful...

    He forgives when u ask him for forgiveness especially if are being sincere.

    now my quesstion is can he go back to being male becos he is sorry or he should stay female n ask for forgiveness.?

    pls i would also advice u to take suicide out of your mind bcos dat woulld worsen the situation.

    To sister samira...

    May Allah swt bless u for your kind words...

    kind words make people easily turn back to their creator for forgiveness.but the scolds and alot of blames would make people fear dat they are not worthy of the presence of their creator and maker.

    May Allah swt forgive us all n forgive us again if we have aired in advicing people n trying to lead them to Islam.

    Assalamu alaikum

  5. Transgenderism is a simply a very elaborate deception. In truth it is only something thats really come about over the last 50 or so years Allah knows best. I suffered from similar feelings in early childhood and then they would brought on heavily in my mid to late teens due to discovery of internet websites discussing the topic, I spent the 5 or 6 years deeply convinced I was "transgender" whilst being spurred on by others on chatrooms dedicated to "trans-folk" (may Allah guide them).

    As I said in reality I started to educate myself and found this was more of a self-realising fantasy. Once I had totally trashed all connections with any websites, contacts, people etc. and wiped it from my mind and started to be more focused on Islamic topics then it all gradually faded away. Especially during my time studying and so on, I completely and utterly lost all feelings for being transgender and any homosexual feelings and I seemingly developed also disappeared especially when surrounded with brothers upon the sunnah wa`alhmdu`lilah.

    Realise Allah is THE most merciful, His mercy encompasses the whole of creation and is far greater than it

    1. make the intention to make ghusl, wash your mouth three times, your nose three times and take a shower washing every part of you body, then make wudhu. then go to a quiet space, pray two rakahs with the intention of it being salatul tawbah, afterwards make sincere repentance insha Allah.
    2. from then on you MUST try you hardest to make ALL of your salahs 5 times a day on time and make up a salah when you miss it
    3. then along doing this you must completely rid yourself of EVERY person that you KNOW is spurring on your identity as "transgender"
    4. become a more devoted Muslim and start making du'a to Allah!!

  6. Allah is the creator and in the same way he does not create all people alike, eg. you can have people with 5 or 6 fingers, in the same way he creates variety in gender and there is no one out there to say what is normal.
    Usually they prefer an outlooking male to also feel male and then marry a femal to procreate- i.e increase the population.
    Thus other combinations that do not necessarily procreate seem to be ostracised by the muslim community, but also- in the past- by other religious communities, eg. even within christians or i gues jews.
    You need to accept yourself and the ones that do not accept you exhibit a criminal behaviour attacking your very being. That is wrong- you are a creation of Allah and even if you are different than the mainstream you still deserve a great life and respect.

  7. Dear Samira,

    I disagree that homosexuality or trangenders are a grave sin. Within that frame would you consider sinful people born with male and female genitals at the same time? or if the ' difference' is only outward it is accepted as a genetic mistake, BUT if the difference affects gender psychology then that is condemned?

  8. Gigi,

    You are incorrect. Changing one's gender is Haraam as it amounts to changing Allah's Creation and following whims and desires (which is called 'Ittiba al Hawa')

    Allah Says in Surah ar Rum, Aayah 30:

    So set you (O Muhammad ) your face towards the religion of pure Islamic Monotheism Hanifa (worship none but Allah Alone) Allah's Fitrah (i.e. Allah's Islamic Monotheism), with which He has created mankind. No change let there be in Khalq-illah (i.e. the Religion of Allah Islamic Monotheism), that is the straight religion, but most of men know not. [Tafsir At-Tabari, Vol 21, Page 41]

    And He Says in another Aayah in Suarh Saad, Aayah 26:

    ... follow not your desire for it will mislead you from the Path of Allah. Verily! Those who wander astray from the Path of Allah (shall) have a severe torment, because they forgot the Day of Reckoning.

    Being born with a certain characteristic is different from changing one's characteristic. Homosexuality, again, is against Human nature. And a complete Ummah of Loot Alaihis Salaam was destroyed and punished because of the sin of homosexuality as it is evident in the Quran.

    Please avoid speaking on Deeni matters if you are not aware or not sure.

    Thanks,
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Dear Mohamed,

    sure if one changes say the shape of their well working nose at a whim, sure that is haram. It would be a very arrogant act.
    Nevertheless if say one was born with male and female genitalia at the same time, would any alteration in this case done at a whim? or does such a person exist against human nature?
    If Allah creates all, then surely the sexuality of such a person is within the limits of human nature.
    It is not the mainstream creation, but yet it exists.

    The story of Loot is slightly a different case: it talks more about men who despite not being homosexuals still engage in sex with men purely out of curiosity but without real anatomical or psychological reasons related to it. To this day in the Middle East that is done- hidden of course. Mainly that does not stem even from choice, but from the lack of pre-marital relationships between men and women without marriage. Thus in desperation homosexuality exists.

    Looking forward to your comments.

    Thank you.

    • What are you trying to say?

    • People of Lut commited abnormal sex just out of CURIOSITY ?? Homosexual is caused because of LACK of pre-marital relationship ??

      Gigi you need to find a solution to your problems.

      Homosexuality is not caused due to desperation. Men wouldn't approach men, thats the normal norm. Those who approach has major mental problems and needs help. And dont try to justify pre-marital relationships. Those are all sins.

      It would really help you if you try to learn more about Islam. Do it using the Quran and Hadith and not some websites.

  10. Gigi,

    The rules do not depend on what is being practiced and what is not. They are set by Allah and we are expected to follow. If we don't, it is our bad and not that of the Religion

    The existence of homosexuality in Middle East is true, but that does not make it Halaal. And the story of Loot Alaihis Salam is no different, in that they were homosexual, just like we have today. That evil exists in our Ummah today.

    The question is not whether it exists or not, my dear. The question is what Allah Has Ordained.

    He Said in Surah an Naml, Aayh 22:

    "Do you approach men in your lusts rather than women? Nay, but you are a people who behave senselessly."

    And according to the position of he Ahlus Sunnah it is Haraam.

    “And (remember) Loot (Lot), when he said to his people: ‘Do you commit the worst sin such as none preceding you has committed in the ‘Aalameen (mankind and jinn)?
    81. ‘Verily, you practise your lusts on men instead of women. Nay, but you are a people transgressing beyond bounds (by committing great sins).’
    82. And the answer of his people was only that they said: ‘Drive them out of your town, these are indeed men who want to be pure (from sins)!’
    83. Then We saved him and his family, except his wife; she was of those who remained behind (in the torment).
    84. And We rained down on them a rain (of stones). Then see what was the end of the Mujrimoon (criminals, polytheists and sinners)”
    [al-A’raaf 7:80-84]

    “Verily, by your life (O Muhammad), in their wild intoxication, they were wandering blindly.
    73. So As‑Saihah (torment — awful cry) overtook them at the time of sunrise.
    74. And We turned (the towns of Sodom in Palestine) upside down and rained down on them stones of baked clay.
    75. Surely, in this are signs for those who see (or understand or learn the lessons from the Signs of Allaah).
    76. And verily, they (the cities) were right on the highroad (from Makkah to Syria, i.e. the place where the Dead Sea is now)”
    [al-Hijr 15:72-76]

    al-Tirmidhi (1456), Abu Dawood (4462)and Ibn Maajah (2561) narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Loot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.”. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

    Ahmad (2915) narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may
    Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “May Allaah curse the one who does the action of the people of Loot, may Allaah curse the one who does the action of the people of Loot,” three times. This was classed as hasan by Shu’ayb al-Arna’oot in Tahqeeq al-Musnad.

    Concerning people born with both male and female organs, they are called hermaphrodite. The rules for them are different. There were these people during the time of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam also.

    I can not say a blanket yes or no to the issue of choice of their gender but what I am aware that it has to be seen if they are more male oriented or female oriented. Other than this, the ruling may differ from case to case.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. join a support group,see a good counselor-theres one in phoenix.theres no purpose listening to people that dont know.-it does get better .year 3 is particuliarly good. stay strong it is not absolutely everyone that does not understand.again it gets better-with love-nancy

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