Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I in Iddat? or Abandonment?

Hope versus Hopelessness


I live on the east coast and I married a man that lived on the west coast in February of this year. During our courtship he showed signs of some anger issues and some imbalance. When I brought this concern to his attention he stated that it was all about how I approached him and the way he needed to be talked to (calm/soft manner) him. When it happened again I used this technique and at that time it proved to be affective. I relocated to the west coast to be with him and his children. Unknowing to me at the time, he had only married me to get revenge on this ex. The first two week ran somewhat smooth but soon after that he began to verbally taunt me about anything, from my weight, how I laughed, to not putting the leftovers in the right place, always something negative about me, everything I did was wrong etc... During the first two weeks, we were intimate but then he just decided that he no longer wanted to sleep with me. Before we married he stated that he was very attracted to me and it showed but once I was in the home that all changed. The verbal abuse and some physical masked as horse play just was getting worse. I kept making dua, for something to change because I had bonded with the children (vice versa) but it just kept on getting worse. He would constantly say "just be normal" "why cant you just shut up and take it" "i'm this close to divorcing you" etc..... Anyway, It came to a head two weeks ago, where he pronounced divorce on me and kicked me out of the home. Alhamdulillah that I still had some saving that he had not taken from me. I also had met a sister, the one person I knew on the west coast. If not, I would have been stranded and homeless and unable to back home.

He pronounced divorce with such cruelty and put a muslimah out on the street. We had not been intimate since around March 5th, so there is no chance I am with child. He will not pay me the money he owes let alone pay maintenance. I have not heard from him nor would I like to. With that here are my questions:

So in these circumstances am I in Iddat? or have I been abandoned?

Will I have to wait 3 months to search/talk or get married?

Are there different rules for abandonment?

Funny enough I am not bitter about it, I just want to move on with my life. Allah (swt) puts tests in our lives to return our attention to him, to make us Jannah worthy. This situation makes me believe even more that Allah has something great for me inshallah.



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4 Responses »

  1. Sister ,

    Sorry to hear your suffering and it is very injustice for your husband to treat you like this .

    Regarding Iddat

    In Islam, iddah or iddat (Arabic: العدة‎; period of waiting) is the period a woman must observe after the death of her spouse or after a divorce, during which she may not marry another man. Its purpose is to ensure that the male parent of any offspring produced after the cessation of a nikah (marriage) would be known .

    The ‘iddah of a woman divorced by talaaq

    • Asallmualkium,

      Thank you for your kindness and the links. I understand that the iddat time must be fulfilled and the wisdom that is behind it.


  2. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    If he pronounced a divorce on you, that would start your iddat. One can know they are not pregnant very early in iddat, but it doesn't mean it can end early. It still has to complete three cycles. And yes, you won't be able to remarry or talk to men about marriage until then, because until it's over your husband still has the right to take you back and any talking to non mahrem during iddah is equivalent to zina.

    Abandonment, conversely, is when a spouse leaves you with no contact, but never gave you any divorce or semblance of it. He just disappears without ending the marriage. This doesn't appear to apply in your case.

    Personally, I'm not sure why you are thinking about talking to men about marriage during iddah or even right after it's over. Even if it's just a few months, it's better to take some time away from relationships before going into the next one, especially if your previous relationship was tumultuous as the one you're describing. You need to at least take proper steps to make sure you don't repeat the same pattern.

    -Amy Editor

    • Asallammualkium,

      Thank you for your advice and guidance on this matter. I see the wisdom in waiting the iddat period, especially for woman. Due to how the whole situation played out, I posted my question because I wanted to know what were my options and rights. After research I know I have to fulfill that time no matter what. I am NOT in any rush to get married or talk to suitors, I guess I just wanted to get some sense of control because I had none in the situation. Allah controls everything and I will obey his law even when my husband won't inshallah. The only mistake that I made in this situation was trusting a person that represented himself in a false manner.

      Thank you 🙂

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