Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong for wanting to leave my loveless marriage?

Broken marrige, marrige falling apart due to lack of communication, intimacy etc


I have been married for the past 18 years it was an arranged marriage. I have struggled with my feelings for such a long time and tried and prayed to Allah (SWT) to help me love my husband but it has never happened. From the day I married him I never liked him. Looks for me were not a issue but he made me feel like a piece of dirt he put me down and treated me like a slave for such a long time he’s a very possessive and protective person, we fought and had a lot of arguments all the time.

After I had the kids I put on a lot of weight so he called me fat, he stopped me from eating and that would make me eat more! I never did anything right and he was so controlling over me.

Anyway, around 2001 I lost all the weight and I really wanted to win my husbands heart. And for weeks I waited for a compliment but nothing came. Then on my cousin's wedding I broke down and I wanted him to tell me why he couldn't tell me that I look nice when everyone else was complimenting me, he told me that I had really hurt him and I asked him what it was he said I'm so daft that I don't know British girls are like this. It hurt me so bad as I had done so much for him in every aspect and he did not appreciate one thing and insisted that I was in the wrong. (Till this day I don't know what he wants.)

Then he stated to go out and drink and was caught with girls but when asked he denied it. At the time my daughter had just been diagnosed with epilepsy and I was not strong enough to leave him. But then I wasn't sure if he’d committed Zinaa but I’m now sure he did, as the stories he gave don’t match.

After this I just submitted myself to my deen and looked after my kids and work was a respite for me. If he ever wanted sex I would let him get on with it, I would get upset and cry after and talk to Allah swt that I’m not treated like a person, like don't have my own needs. It would always feel like I was being raped. All I ever wanted from him was love and compassion.

After all the bottling up of 16 years I erupted and told him I don't want to stay with him and this was 3 years ago, so he said he will change so guess what as soon as all his family got involved that I’m leaving him he begged me to stay, saying that he would change and he began to give me the compliments  - but they where so sarcastic that it made me sick. To be honest I was past that stage and I didn't want him to tell me I look nice as I really hate him.

So much has happened in these 3 years to me I ended up with a blood clot in my stomach and nearly lost my life. I’ve had so many health complications. Allhumdiallah a lot better now.

But I still don't have the willpower to leave. I'm so scared to leave him. I don't know what I will do or how I will cope, I know why I feel this way, he has been in my life for a long time and I don't have any of my own family but good friends who are like sisters.

We don’t talk. He drinks a lot and he’s clever now he wont fight with me as he knows I will kick up fuss about a divorce.

I wanted to ask:  would staying with him like be a sin?

And I can’t help my feelings I’ve tried but I cant stand him. Am I wrong as a wife?

Please who ever reads this post please remember me in your prayers I know Allah (SWT) is testing me I hope I can get out of this rut.


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7 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum Sister S,
    I hope you are now in much Better health first of all Inshallah and in high spirits and with strong Imaan .
    Well I don't know what to recommend you but just by reading your post I just prayed for you so much from my heart .
    I think you suffered a lot from the very begnning. And you have had patience and God is definitely going to reward you immensely for it.
    As far as your spouse is concerned I don't think at all that he is doing or has done anything your way from the beginning and the way you feel Is the result . You should talk to him to mend his ways or consider your options.
    On the other hand you should take good care or yourself and always remember the true security is just from God not any human being so don't be afraid or think you are alone .
    We all are here for your prayers and well wishes too InshaAllah .

  2. Salam sister S,
    i am really saddened by your story. The treatment you are getting from a man who should honor, protect and love you is not right. Your husband is doing it all wrong. Even after you asked him to change, he did it in a sarcastic way and it hurt you badly. Sister from your post, it seems that you are in constant heartache from this kind of treatment. You cannot continue to exist in that kind of environment. It manifests in your health.
    You have to do something before its too late. Try involving an arbitrator if you have not yet done it.( maybe an imam) divorce should be last resort.
    i know it may hurt to leave but it will hurt some more if you continue to stay without doing anything. This kind of vibes affect your children, they can see that you are hurting. Its best if this issue is dealt with to avoid more losses. Its good that you have a strong support system made up of close friends. It will be difficult to start up on your own after many years of having your husband in your life but it will be all right. You are going to be happy and a better person at the end of it all.
    Inshallah, all will be well. If Allah(swt) puts you to it, He will put you through it. Continue practicing you deen as this life is a test. Allah(swt) the most gracious, most merciful will surely sustain you.
    I will remember you when making dua.

  3. my dear S,

    lot and lots of praise and duas for you. you have put up with this man for sooooooooooo long. you are not wrong or sinful in any way. so dont blame your self for anything. some people are so unfortunate that even if Allah gave then a chance to be good in this life by giving them a life partner to help them stay on the right path, they still choose to continue to wrong themselves. such an unfortunate man is your husband. on the other hand some people are sooooooooooo strong in their Imaan that even if clamity or hardship or affliction falls on them it never wavers their trust in Allah. such is a person like you.

    you have indeed put up with this situation for a long time. you can have a chat with your husband if he wants to mend his ways, or else you would like to go your own seperate ways. before that find out about ALL your rights and ways for divorce. you must think about your kid/kids before any step you take. although father is so important but is this the father figure they need?

    may Allah be with you and guide you and make it easy for you. ameen.
    my duas are with you.

  4. Salaam Sister

    I am very sorry to hear your story. Its just a thought... sometimes it is better to show than tell... if you want compliments then why not give your husband compliments first?

    Also if he senses you do not enjoy having sex with him...why not explain to him that he is an handsome man... there is physically nothing wrong with him.... but the way he treats you turns you off?

  5. assalaam alaikum wr wb,
    siss u know u r beautiful n to know this we dont need compliments frm sarcastic persons .
    if u have kids ,live for their sake atleast.
    have sabr .
    may allah give hidaya to him n to all of us.
    if u divorce n remarry how can u guarantee that the second one wud be better than him???
    just take it or do sabr n make duaa.
    remb u r not alone iin this world who is suffering...............
    everyone suffers in one form or the other .....
    life is a test.
    this world life is like a prison to the believer.

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Living in fear of "what if the next husband is not any better" is definitely the wrong way to think about this siutation and glosses over what the sister typed.

      So let's recap:

      1. They don't talk to each other.
      2, He drinks, and therefore if alcohol is consumed, then for 40 days after his salaat is not accepted.
      3. He was drinking and partying when his daughter has epilepsy.
      4. He was caught partying with other women and he possibly fornicated with them.
      5. He insults her and doesn't compliment her with good intentions, which is a big deal to a wife from her husband!
      6. He has sex with her and it feels like rape to her. She cries afterwards, which makes his inability to see the harm in this disgusting and callous.
      7. He was sarcastic to her and hasn't changed with good intentions when she asked.
      8. She nearly died and he still hasn't improved.
      9. She hates him.
      10. And it's been going on for 18 years!

      This is an oppressive marriage, which is more just like a living situation at this point. All of those points above either violate verses of the Qur'an or contextual hadith and continuing this way is a sin in many ways.

      Rather than go on about it (I can provide verse and hadith, if necessary), Sister S needs to come to terms with an exit plan out of this marriage. While people decry divorce as an option, Allah (swt) has allowed it because the halal should not become haram, i.e. a source of sin or oppression, which is evident in this case. In fact, her feeling of being entrapped in this marriage should signal to all of us, especially after all that she has said, that to be with her husband any longer will either drive her insane or towards sin.

      We need to understand that every part of our bodies is on "loan" from Allah (swt) and we are responsible for it, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Not only that, but by being a spouse, our partner is also responsible for our well being and vice versa. Not honoring those rights is a sin.

      In the Holy Qur'an, Chapter 30, Verse 21 , Allah (swt) says

      “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people who reflect.”

      None of those aspects exist in this marriage, though Sister S has tried to be patient.

      After 18 years, why would we think that her husband would change to such a degree that a complete 180 degree turn would happen when he openly violates the laws of Islam?

  6. assalamualikum
    everythng is a test frm Allah..and patience is the key word here..i would say 5 times prayer is the answr to all the depression in your Quraan whenever you find time..i myslf is goin thru somthg similar to urs..only difrence is i have been ronged in my past and now i realise my sins and praying to Allah swt in repentance. inshaAllah He is evr forgiving..
    In the mean time, whn evr difficulties haunt you, you should always ask yourslf one question "have you done anythg in your life to deserve anything better?"
    when we ask ourslf this question, we may realise certain rong, if any, that we might have committed in the past but din realise it.
    please don take me rong, i asked myslf this question and realised certain rongs which pass by me without realising..
    may Allah bless you with happiness soon..salaamu alikum

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