Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong to reject a proposal based on what the man does for a living?

marriage nikah arranged forced

Assalamu alaikum

I am a 28yr old girl, single. In my student life I didn’t get into any relationship with any guy (even though I had people who were interested in me) because I know it is forbidden. Friends all around me got into such forbidden relations & are now married. My family is looking for my groom & Alhamdulillah I have received many marriage proposals. However I have turned down some on account of the guy working in riba based bank/firms.

Have I done the right thing? Or should I not worry about his source of income? I feel I should since riba is haraam & I should not get involved with such a life partner knowingly.

Recently I received a proposal where the guy said he was a practicing Muslim, I was impressed by that and also by his education so I thought I might have found the right person. After speaking with him for a while he asked me whether I would consider not wearing the hijab for a while after marriage, since according to him as a couple I would look old with hijab with him. I was shocked & said no, this is not something that I can do. I am hurt and now I look back & think about the previous proposals that I have refused, the guys had no problem about my hijab but I turned them down because of their riba based jobs, did I do the right thing?

I know I have made a mistake once when I turned down one proposal because I thought I did not find the guy attractive. Now I realize that was a big mistake on my part. I pray to Allah to forgive me for that error in judgment.

People of my age are all married/or getting married & even though I do not have any family pressure I know my parents are worried about me.

So what should I do? I know I have to be patient & I regularly pray to Allah to give me a husband who is a believer, a practising Muslim who earns in a halal way.  Do pray for me & tell me whether I am doing the right thing focusing on the income issue.

Thank you


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16 Responses »

  1. Salam alaykum dearest sister. Let me congratulate you on choosing success in this life AND the next. I do not need to remind you that Allah swta says that those who consume haram means are taking fire into their bellies. A committed Muslim should not only be looking to earn a good living, but one which benefits all of humanity as well as their own souls. And you are right to demand that your future spouse doesn't feed and clothe your future children in haram. Is our objective simply to get married for the sake of being married? No. We marry to establish families and communities based on love and a belief in Allah swta. We make Him over our affairs and observe His limits because we understand that these are what's best for us. If we ignore that how can we expect success? If we begin by compromising what is as basic as the way we earn a living what other compromises will we make later on? And do not worry about finding a spouse. I was nearly 30 before I found a good spouse and I know a sister who was nearly 40. Allah swta will give you what you need. Just have patience with the decree of Allah swta and keep to the standards He has given us.

  2. Salam sister, I face similar hardships as you. I really want to get married but its all so hard and my hijab is a major problem for most proposals and I also feel hurt by that.
    I would be really interested to hear what other people have to say with regards to this, and pray that their words give us some comfort.

    • Please dont think the hijab is a problem maker, ever, rather it is the contrary.

      If a man is interested in a woman and wants to see her beauty, she cannot take of her hijab for him, he is like any other stranger.
      He can only see 3 aspects of her beauty.
      Her face
      Her height.
      Her body stature/build [not figure].
      These three and nothing more, and i think this is enough for the man.
      Trust in Allah and he will sort your affairs out.

      • salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe,

        Dear brothers and sisters may Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah bless you all,

        This might not be the advice you exacly wanted, but let me atleast give my thoughts of A woman in hijaab.

        What I feel and think about womans in hijaab;

        I think they are the strongest out there with a willpower unmatched.
        I think they are the most beautiful woman out there, so beautiful Allah told them to hide it.
        I think they are the kindest, as I always see them doing atleast 1 good deed.
        I think they are the wisest, because they made the best choice they could ever make.
        I think they are the underrated, even though they should be regarded as the pearls of the earth.

        Woman in Hijaab have that which you cannot see with the eye, but with the heart.

        And in all you have to keep in mind, for you to see with your heart. Allah must have opened it for you meaning.

        To even see the beauty and woman of the Hijaab your eyes of the heart have to be guided by Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah.

        Can you already see how high and mighty the position is that has been given to you and yet still you are humble and sincere.

        I will let you know my dear sisters, there is absolutely no use for you to think about it if you are all these things.

        Because you are and More!

        Do not think if other people see it or not.

        Always keep in the back of your mind and believe me when I say.

        We your Muslim brothers and Sisters in faith. We all think about each other. We all ask blessings for each other, We All love each other. We in true faith and believe love the fact your wearing Hijaab, because we see a strong sister, which gives us strength back to do great things to.

        So next time you doubt your hijaab or the next time anyone else doubts it.

        Remember its significance my beautiful sisters, because only if you knew...Only if you knew.

        -Raja your brother in Islam.

    • Asalaam alaykum,

      I write this in stern condemnation of the man who would seek to remove a woman's hijab in public with his paltry promise of this world's love. Who other than Allah (swt) will save you or disgrace you on the Day of Judgment, fallen brother?

      Iblis comes masked in all forms, including a man who would want you to remove your hijab by marrying you in return. Indeed, this request is removing the love of Allah (swt) in your heart trying to make you trade it for the temporary love of this world. There is no sense in roasting in the fires with a man who would do such a thing. The hijab is the flag of Islam in modern times, Alhamdulillah. Any conflict faced by wearing it is a jihad in the cause of Allah (swt). It is shameful that any man would put his ego ahead of the fear of Allah (swt). Men who want to unclothe their wives for the world to see should be treated with great suspicions and are to be avoided at all costs. These men are likely to take some sick perverted pleasure in showing you as a trophy wife, and are corrupt and disgusting.

      Would he tell his mother or sister to take off her hijab so that strange men would see them with lust? God forbid! This is your response to such men who request these sick things.

      Women in France and other countries fight for their hijab and here are these weak men under the influence of Iblis wanting to surrender these wonderful, pious women who stand for the love of Allah (swt) by donning their incredible and brave hijabs. Have they not read the Qur'an? Do they not fear the Day of Judgement? Ah, but remember what Allah (swt) says: that every man would ransom his family to save himself from the punishment of the Hellfire. So you see dear sisters, these men have no qualms about taking off your hijab because he is that same man who would ransom you in this world and in the next. Allah (swt) is All-Knowing and All-Wise.

      These are the men from the Age of Ignorance, who put their wives with other men, who prostituted their wives and sold them like cattle. Men who lust at women, who show their wife's beauty to other men and are willing to even show her naked body to other men in extreme cases or God Forbid, let another man have sex with his wife because he is a cuckold! Outrageous behavior that starts with removing his wife's hijab, which belies the greatest symbol of modesty and humility of God loving awareness. Guard yourselves, sisters!

      Rest assured that while he takes your hijab off, he will spend his time openly looking at other women, staring and lusting after these other loose women in your presence. If you complain, he will point back to you and say, you are showing yourself, too. You will protest, but be defeated because you know that you sold the love of Allah (swt) for the meagerness of this man. Nothing but humiliation will follow as you see him ogle and flirt with other women. He will tell you to flirt with other men and you will feel disgraced and dirty. One day, God forbid, a strange man will touch you and you will feel the sting of immodesty, but your husband will laugh like the Shaytan and will be touching other women, too.

      This man will encourage you to perfume yourself for others, put make-upon for others and soon will buy you clothes revealing your legs, chests and breasts for the public life. You will feel naked and cry. He will try to use the deceptively twisted words of Shaytan again saying he likes to see you that way in front of other men. He will tell you it makes him sexually excited. The angels will grow angry with you as you step out revealed to the world. God help us!

      And one day, he wants it to not even bother you, because the whispers of the Shaytan come from your husband's mouth. A Shaytan who touches you and undresses you.

      Sura Mutaffifin, 83:29-36

      Lo! the guilty used to laugh at those who believed,
      And wink one to another when they passed them;
      And when they returned to their own folk, they returned jesting;
      And when they saw them they said: Lo! these have gone astray.
      Yet they were not sent as guardians over them.
      This day it is those who believe who have the laugh of disbelievers, On high couches, gazing.
      Are not the disbelievers paid for what they used to do?

  3. Salaam sister, in relation to the removal of hijab, if a man dislikes that which is liked by Allah, then he is not worthy of your love or affection, because if he cannot accept what Allah has said, then he is already in the wrong and shaytan has influenced him, it seems alot of sisters dont wear the hijab due to peer pressure and with the thinking that they are less attractive, but they forget to note, that the true beauty of a women is only for her husband, and by revealing herself to others she is comitting a sin, this because for every wrong thought a man has about a woman he sees, the woman will get punished for dressing in a way to entice the man and not guarding her modesty. mashaAllah your respect for the hijab is much greater and you will surely find a man who is good for you, keep praying and Allah will guide the right man towards you, sometimes we think the best thing is gone, but those who wait Allah has something even greater for us, so do not reminisce about those you could have accepted, pray that Allah brings a good man for you, who respects you for who you are and what you beleive, and does not ask you to change in anyway inshaAllah.

    As for the income issue, your correct in turning them away, your strength in beleif is great mashaAllah, and a man who earns a haraam income and spends it on his family, well he is spending the shaytans gifts on them, your belief in Allah and your good character will be rewarded inshaAllah.

    All the best, i will keep you in my duas, and hope you find a good husband inshaAllah.

  4. Sister I feel the same way as you. In the past I have gotten proposals from Muslim men who work for self defense companies for the U.S. ....I don't know how people on this website feel about Muslims working and helping Americans fight against Muslim countries. However, I don't feel comfortable with that type of job, that's my preference. Like you sister I have turned away guys whom I am not attracted to. I sometimes don't understand ... I have seen girls that have lived unlslamic lifestyle, and have gotten married at a appropriate age. I could have easily been in any relationship with guys but I didn't because I feared Allah. I kept myself chaste all these years, and thought Allah would make my search easy but it hasn't been. There's nothing else I can do about it. I have done the websites, matrimonial events,and recommendation from friends and family. I am going to live each day, make the best out it, and try to be positive.

    • Asalaam alaykum,

      I want to share a piece of Islamic advice that I received when you wonder why some unIslamic people are granted tings that you are not. There are several reasons for this, but this struck me the most when I often wonder why the pious must wait when making continuous dua.

      For every delay or unanswered dua, a believer will be rewarded. On the Day of Judgement he will receive his book of deeds which contains many many good deeds which he did not perform & he will mention that this book is not his. But Allah (swt) will inform that those additions are to compensate him for the unanswered duas. The believer will then mention; "Alas it would be better for me if NONE of my duas were answered !"

      In this sense, Allah (swt) is giving you the opportunity to make something more incredible for the hereafter.

      Yet, read the following part.

      There is a strange explanation for the delaying of the answering. Do you believe that Allah (swt) delays answering the prayer of the righteous servant just because He likes to hear his voice? If anything, this shows how deep is Allah’s (swt) love to His praying servants while He is not in need of them. It was reported that Allah (swt) delays the answering in longing to the righteous servant’s prayer saying: "It is a voice I like to hear”, and He hastens answering the hypocrite’s prayer saying: “ It is a voice I hate to hear”. Could this love be compared to any other kind of love?

      Therefore it is not the rejection of the prayer but, in fact, it is an enhancement in the generosity and in love.

      • Walaikum Assalaam
        SubhaanaAllah your message brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for such wonderful messages & truly Allah is The Greatest And The Most Merciful. I pray that all of us are fortunate enough to receive such Love from Allah & that we can all be patient.

    • Sister, I totally understand what you feel cause I am also going through the same, but we have to be patient & strong, we need to have total belief in Allah & pray that Allah makes our lives easier.

  5. One lesson I've learnt in life and witnessed it first hand, though it's not always the case it is in most cases.

    You have people who will accept the first half decent proposal that comes their way, ie. they are prepared to compromise and work with that person's flaws. They end up married and live such a happy life together.

    You then have people who will keep saying no, in the hope that the perfect proposal comes along, there's no such thing as the perfect proposal, every human has his flaws. These people go on for months and sometimes years without getting married.

    I'm not saying you should settle for a drug dealer or a serial killer, but if someone is not so good looking or doesn't earn so much then don't overlook him.

    I wish you all the best and hope Allah helps you find a good man.

    • Assalamu alaikum
      I agree with you & yes I think I have been too picky. I have made mistakes & I now pray to Allah that I dont make the same mistake again, but I also feel that I should have some liking towards the person, if I feel that there will be misunderstandings due to very different upbringings/ family conditions then I have said no, even when there was no problem with the person's income/ my hijab. Is that wrong? I come from a society where usually there are joint families or parents are very involved in their children's lives, lots of problems occur due to difference in the way the two families think, I want to get involved with a family who has some similarities with mine. I dont know if I am over thinking, so please pray for me.

  6. Salam sis, you're making the right thing to turn all of it down. Would you rather wait getting no sins or happily marry with sins?

  7. you shouldn't feel guilty for turning a guy down you weren't attracted to looks are important to anyone!

  8. Assalamu alaikum everyone
    Thankyou all for your kind words & truly Allah is The Most Merciful and The Most Kind. I was feeling very down today & had forgotten that I had written here, suddenly I remembered & read all of your messages.Alhamdulillaah all of your messages were very uplifting & gave me a lot of confidence. How Kind is Allah to me, that even though I dont know any of you,yet all of your messages helped me greatly when I really needed it !
    Do pray for me & I also pray for everyone that Allah Guides us all in the right path.
    Thank you


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