Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong to want to care for my father? Why is my husband preventing me?

I want to spend time with my terminally ill father... why won't my husband let me?

I want to spend time with my terminally ill father... why won't my husband let me?

AoA

Readers I write to seek advice i apologise for the long letter in advance, its just i want to be clear that i have given a true picture of my life.

i am a 32 year old  practicing muslim. I married some 15 months ago, to a Pakistani muslim, it was an arranged marriage, however on a day before my mehindi i received an email from my now husband's girlfriend he had been seeing her for the last 3 years and was going to buy her an apartment close to our home, he had told her that his parents were forcing him to marry me and that I was his cousin.  this was not case i am not related to him and he had a choice, in fact he contacted my brother to discuss my marriage proposal even before i knew about it.

At the time i was very confused and it was so close to my wedding that i could not call the whole thing off due to the sheer fact what would happen to my father he would be devastated this led me to marrying him 2 days later, my husband told me that his girl friend was lying and he felt sorry for her etc all the usual lies i didn't believe him and his girl friend sent me pictures of their holiday whilst i was planning our wedding he told me he went with some male friends. even a week before our wedding he spent the night with her, i was broken my marriage had started off like this,  i couldn't tell anyone as everyone was so happy that i "finally" got married, ( i was 31 years old at the time)

the first 6-8 months were hell, he was awful towards me often hitting me when i would ask why he did this to me, the girlfriend would text/email him all the time and he secretly was replying until i discovered, my husband then changed his tune and told me he loved me etc i didn't and still don't believe him, anyhow i sent her an email from his account with his permission and  told her to leave him alone she has since backed off and will rarely make an appearance.

we were and still are living in the family home, sadly after 10 months of marriage my MIl passed away ( may allah  swt bless her soul and grant her a place in jaaanh) she was a lovely lady but had a number of medical conditions and was immobile i used to do everything for her from feeding to bathing, i was looking after as soon as i got married and i loved every minute of it i wanted to do things for her as she was so nice. i never said to my husband i did this or that for his mother, he would beat me yet i would go n look after his mother but he could not see anything, when it came to our relationship  if i discussed children he would go sleep on the bedroom floor  rather than touch me this went on for about 10 months of my marriage.

after the death of my MIL he calmed down a lot but not enough, as he still gets angry over small things out of the 7 days i spent 3-4 days trying to say sorry for things that he says i do wrong, which can be anything from waking up a bit late to the dinner. i work full time and support him financially in every way and run the home. i get tired but he does not  see that.

he says he loves me but its on his terms when he wants too. for the first year of marriage i never stayed at my parents because he did not like it and only went if was okay with it, often he would say no and i would not go as i didn't have his permission to step outside the home. i still obey him and always have no matter what he has done to me.

my issue is that recently my father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and i wish to spend time with him, i do all the chores and if my husband is going out i ask him to drop me off to my parents and pick me up on his way back ( he is very outgoing and is out 3 times a week at least) this has been going on for the last week where i have asked him to drop me off on his way, but last night he asked me that would i only stay home if he is at home and why do i go to my parents house.

he cannot see my pain and suffering he gives  me no support during this hard time i have been there for him all i ask for is support.

am i wrong to go to my parents house when my husband himself it not at home?

or should i stay at home wait for him to return?

in my home there is only my father in law so what am i supposed to do? i do my chores and everything that is required of me as a wife and DIL.

so am i wrong for wanting to look after my dad for a bit?

my husband can see no wrong in himself till date has not told me why he cheated on me. he has no answers yet im stuck in thsi relationship, my husband only serves his own needs from this marriage.

do i not visit my father because my husband does not like it- he has no reason to say no but still does

i would like some guidance in terms of my duties as a wife, daughter and daughter in law.

Allah Hafiz

samiyah

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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Hindsight being 20/20, it would've been better if you had gone ahead and called off the marriage when you found out about your husband's girlfriend. It's better to dissappoint people than live a life of misery.

    Sister, quite honestly, I don't see anything redeeming about staying in the marriage. Your husband was unfaithful to you going in, and he's been physically abusive with you. Now he is being controlling and heartless in light of your father's disease and needs.

    If I were your father, I would want to leave this earth knowing my daughter is happy and safe, but you're not. I don't feel you are saving him from anything by continuing to let him believe everything is ok in your marriage. I suggest you leave your husband altogether, go back home to your father, and spend the remaining time he has here comforting him and caring for him. Yes, it might be a dissappointment for him that you have been in such a bad marriage or that your husband is not the man of character everyone thought he was, but I'm sure he can accept that setback. He's probably sorting through a lot of his life now as he faces the hereafter, so that's probably one of the least things he's worried about.

    It's either that, or stay under your husband's oppression, and let your father pass away without having spent any quality time with him. That's a regret you would spend the rest of your life trying to live with, I'm sure; and you have the power now to avoid it.

    Go home, sister. Your dad needs you, and that should be a priority over a marriage with a dishonest man who apparently cares nothing about the situation. In general a husband is not supposed to keep his wife from her family; how much more when her father is dying. Besides it's not good for you to be at home alone with his father. Go home and be with your father, please. And then once you're there, seriously think about divorcing such a cruel man.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalamoalaikum Sister,

    My eyes began tearing as I read your post. I want to commend you for all that you have had to endure and yet you took care of your aging mother-in-law, mashAllah. May Allah swt elevate your status and grant you jannah, ameen. You set an example for many women who are suffering proving that goodness really does come from within and no matter what someone may do to you, you can still do your part and not turn bitter or cold with the world.

    Coming down to your post, I am very worried and saddened to hear not only is your husband cheating on you, but that he also beats you. Have you ever thought about seeking divorce? I see your situation as an extremely distressing one and worry that if children come into the equation his behaviour will be detrimental to their self-esteem and well-being. You do not want to show your children that marriage consists of lies, abuse, heart-break and a bleak future. Instead of wanting to establish a family right now, see if you can establish a relationship with him (I would suggest otherwise but the decision is yours at the end of the day).

    In terms of taking care of your aging father, I see nothing wrong in you desiring to spend time with him due to his terminal illness, especially if your husband is outside mingling around and socialising. It just really shows how selfish he is. Your father is sick and instead of understanding he wants you to sit at home, and do what? Did he suddenly forget how you took care of his terminally ill mother when she was alive? I suggest you tell him firmly that if he wants you to stay home, then he should also do so and work on establishing this relationship. Otherwise you have every right to spend time with your father during the time he’s outside since you say you complete all your household duties as well. You aren’t doing anything wrong.

    My dear sister, before I finish my comment I really want you to ask yourself, why are you staying with this man? It hurts me immensely to read the cruelty he’s put you through. You do not need such a man to feel complete in life. You only need Allah swt to fill that void within you. Please think about where this marriage will lead you in the future. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to have to live with such a cruel and heartless human (and I know this is easier said then done).

    I will remember you in my duaas.

    -Helping Sister

  3. samiyah, get out of this mess.

    even if you have to use this excuse of your father being ill as a breaking point, use it. just get out of there! you are better off without him.

    respect yourself.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    I agree wholeheartedly with the other posters that your husband is abusive, and you are under no obligation to stay in such an unhealthy marriage.

    Your father needs you, and you need him, so my advice would be to go to him and spend the time you have together.

    You and your father will be in my duas. May Allah comfort and guide you both.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I am very sorry to hear about your father's illness. May Allah grant him peace, contentment and ease, Ameen.

    If your nothing else was in the equation and your question was only regarding your husband, I would suggest that you separate from him while he goes and gets some counselling for his anger, abusive nature and infidelity issues. The fact that your father has a terminal illness, only compounds this matter.

    Your husband has no right to hit you. None.

    I would suggest that you go to your father and spend as much time with him as possible. May Allah help you to make the best decision possible, Ameen.

  6. Salam Samiyah,

    The fact is no one can turn the clock around, you should not have married this man who has all these bad quality in the first place. You should have brought the whole issue and picture to your family and told them you were uncertain about the quality of this man. At least, they could have done for you was to postpone the wedding and investigate the case. This comment is not only for you and for other readers as well. Sometimes, we may think that it is impossible to delay or even cancel the decision that we have made. Now, in front of our eyes is a very good example. The price is sooooo high and the consequence is beyond to repair.

    However, now you can still change it if you are BRAVE enough to bring that up to your father, Iman or any family members that you trust. You can still turn the table and make your life better.

    I am going to be blunt and honest with you. You are a very kind, gentle and caring person. Your husband is taking advantage of your weakness. You are overly submissive and naïve about your situation. I guess you are not a well educated and that's why you do not know about your right. You have an absolute right to visit your father. I would ditto of what the responses above, go stay with your father and let your father knows all about these this time. Tell him everything you know about your husband. Maybe your father can ask his friends to check on your husband's background. Your marriage arrives to this stage, you need to step up, STEP UP and SPEAK for yourself. You do not want to live the rest of your life by seeing your husband with other women, ignore you by going out and enjoy himself 3 NIGHT a week AND abuse you!!!

    Did he physical abuse you? You should not tolerate that. Say STOP to this, sister. When you said you want a baby with him??? Are you out of your mind even you see all these happening in front of you??? Do you think a baby will change hime anyway? You remind me of those women living in the old age!! Forget about what others think about your situation, forget about how embarrassed you may bring to the family / village ( I do not think it is true as your husband should be the one should be ashamed of. But I know a considerate woman like you may bring this to confuse yourself if you really want to proceed in divorce. )

    Sister, you need to know about your right, don't treat yourself like a carpet and lower yourself to please him. He does not deserve your love and caring. You are a much better person than him. Inshallah, I hope you can get some advice from here.

  7. You are Pakistani and they follow the Hanafi madhab in Pakistan.

    And according to Hanafi law the husband does not have the right to stop his wife from going out and from taking care of her chronically ill father.

    Ibn Nujaym (Hanafi) said: If her father is elderly, for example, and needs her to serve him, and the husband prevents her from visiting him, then she may disobey him, whether her father is a Muslim or a kaafir. This is what it says in Fath al-Qadeer. It may be understood from what we have said that she may go out to visit her parents and mahrams. According to the correct view, she may go out to visit her parents every week with or without his permission, and to visit her mahrams once every year with or without his permission. End quote from al-Bahr al-Raa’iq (4/212).

  8. Read carefully,
    Samiyah sister in Islam, Very sad to hear that all. The guy was a fraud from the beginning. I am by cast Arab. And then we migrated to India and now I am in Pakistan. And I know alhumdulillah! All people very well regarding Arab, Indians and Pakistanis.

    Get a divorce otherwise your situation will worse. Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Saves you and your father. Amen!

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  9. Dear Samiyah,

    I am soo sad at reading your letter. It is totally heartbreaking, and I will only repeat what the above posters have said, which is this husband of yours is no good for you in his current state.

    He has very little to no respect for you and your family. IF a man loves and respects you, he would try his utmost to make you happy, and at the very least follow the rights in Islam towards his wife. To which he clearly doesn't care about.

    You should expect to be treated well.

    And as a dil, you're in laws do not hold rights over you in the regard that you have to serve them. And it was wonderful what you did for his mother, and may Allah give you much reward.
    And you clearly say that husband didn't care for anything that you did for her.

    You do NOT need to stay in this relationship, swallow your pride, and do what your heart and mind is clearly guiding you to.

    And lot's of duas. You need to be with your father, you certainly cannot regret that.

    Thinking of you,

    w'salam

  10. Dear sister,

    Ending a marriage is one of the last steps to take. If you are seriously being mentally or physically abused by your husband then seek help from close relatives. Put the word out that this is happening to you. Don't remain silent. It is hard to do but a step you have to take. R their children involved? Since u have not mentioned it I am assuming not.

    If relatives r not wanting to get involved or u can't get the courage to speak with them, go to an imam or friend but let the word out that u r being abused. Don't keep it a secret.

    Perhaps he is mentally sick and needs psychiatric help. Raising children in this type environment will only lead to disaster on the children emotionally, mentally, and socially.

    If u r afraid to get out of the marriage for financial reasons, then find patience and perseverance by asking from Allah to give u strength. Find any job u can do for some personal income and end the marriage if the above mentioned contacts and discussions don't pan out.

    As others have mentioned it was a marriage not to be done in the first place. U r not respected nor loved. U r a slave here. Be with your dad now. Put your foot down, be firm yet polite and tell your husband you need time with your dad. Demand it but only after u have unveiled the abusive treatment he has been giving u to his parents first, then his relatives, then imam or friends.

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