Islamic marriage advice and family advice

An abusive wife

Domestic abuse affects men too... Don't be ashamed to seek help.

Domestic abuse affects men too.

Dear brothers and sisters...

I am deeply depressed thinking how I got myself into this situation where I'm afraid of being near my wife...

I am physically stronger than my wife but I don't believe in violence or abuse in any shape or form. My wife knows this and uses this knowledge to abuse me verbally and physically, either knowing that I won't fight back or she wants me to?

Her verbally abuse hurts me so much that she taunts me to engage and say horrible things back when I do not want to.

She taunts me to hit her though I am scared of being with her for the rest of my life.


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7 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaikum


    Marriage is a gift to us, meant for us to be able to have a haven which we can share with our spouse - a place where we can feel love, respect, peace and feel safe. What you describe is the opposite. We have been told to be garments for each other. Wrap each other in warmth. This is what we must do. You have a right as a spouse to be treated with the utmost respect, kindness and love according to sunnah and the Holy Quran. This is what marriage is for. You can not allow the situation to stay as it is.

    If you fear she will cause you harm, I say leave. Nobody should be beaten by their spouse. Ever. If you think she would be helped by treatment, maybe try to talk to somebody knowledgable at your local masjid. Councelling might be an option, if you truly love her and want to invest in keeping your marriage.

    Don't do nothing. That will just lead to the continuing of abuse. Act, decisively. Leave for a safe place, ask an imam for help, offer your wife professional counselling.

    Or divorce.

    May Allah swt grant you peace and a solution to your problem.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Regardless of whether it's happening to a man or a woman, domestic abuse is wrong and should never be tolerated. You are not alone - many men find themselves in similar situations, but it seems as though men are less likely than women to speak up about their experiences. Search online for local services that help men who are experiencing domestic abuse, and ask them for advice. If need be, they may have a safe place for you to go to stay.

    If you still wish to try to salvage your marriage to her, insist that she goes to counselling and that the two of you attend marriage guidance counselling as well. And make it clear to her that you will not tolerate any more of this horrible treatment - if she is abusive again, be prepared to leave. You do not have to stay married to someone who is abusing you.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Have you guys been married a longtime, do you know if she was always this way. I think if you feel comfortable it would help to have a little more information re your situation. Are there any children involved? Do you have good moments with her when she is completely normal?

    I don't feel that any form of abuse whether verbal or physical should be tolerated. However, my personal opinion is that in the case of a marriage it may be a good idea to try to establish why she is behaving this way. It all sounds really bizarre to me. However it's important that if you do decide to work on your marriage that you don't risk your safety, or even hers for that matter, esp if she is provoking you. Maybe a separation would help for the time being, so that things can be handled safely? This might also give her time to cool down and put things into perspective.

    Obviously we all know how hard satan works to destroy a marriage, anger must be a strong tactic! I think the fact that your posting on here to ask for advice suggests that there is a slight possibility that you may want things to work out, but your clearly very disturbed and depressed by it all. But I could be wrong.

    Can you think of any possible triggers, any life changing events that have occurred recently? Is she depressed? Does she resent you for something? Does she have mental health issue? Again, I'm not justifying her actions but just trying to figure out why she would behave this way. A good place to start would be professional marriage counselling. This will help you understand things from her perspective in a controlled environment. If however, it is just a matter of poor anger management, then she needs help. However she must be willing and motivated to work on herself and the marriage.

    If despite all efforts (counselling/imam/family involvement etc) she still doesn't change then I guess your better off moving on without her rather than a lifetime of misery and abuse.

    I hope things work out how you went them to, Ameen.

  4. Assalam Aleykoum Dear Brother,

    I have 3 main questions for you and I pray InshaAllah that you may answer them before I can proceed with giving you what my thoughts are of your situation Biidhni'Allah.

    1. How long have you been married?
    2.Was it an arranged marriage or was it a mutual consent from both of you to get married?
    3. What ethnicity do you both belong to?

    InshaAllah with the above questions answered, it may be able to shed some light of understanding for me to really grasp the situation a little. Like Bucks said; it does sound bizarre.

    InshaAllah I pray that Allah SWT makes it easy for you both. Ameen.


  5. Abuse should not be tolerated at all regardless of whether it is to a man or to a woman. You need to take some guidance from the quran where Allah swt tells his slaves how to deal with a disobedient wife. He says
    "Men have charge of women because Allah has preferred the one above the other and because they spend their wealth on them. Right-acting women are obedient, safeguarding their husbands’ interests in their absence as Allah has guarded them. If there are women whose disobedience you fear, you may admonish them, refuse to sleep with them, and then idribuhunna. But if they obey you, do not look for a way to punish them. Allah is All-High, Most Great." Quran 4:34

    After this if things do not change you should pronounce the first talak to let her know you are serious and again if things do not change you need to get out of this marriage it is not fair to you.

  6. Salaam Brother,

    I feel sorry for the situation you are in and pray to Allah to make it better for you.

    Some women like dominant men. If you are being too kind and being too nice then stop it and be a little dominant. You have to be assertive and with a commanding voice show that you are the man of the house.

    I'm not saying hit her back, but do as it says in the Quran,
    Admonish her
    If she doesn't get better then
    Stop sleeping together
    If she doesn't get better then
    Beat her lightly.

    Make dua to Allah to change her heart and her nature into a soft natured and soft spoken woman.

    May Allah put happiness in your marriage,

    • Actually, you are saying to hit her, in fact you wrote:

      "Beat her lightly"

      Do you mind explaining how lightly he should beat her? That word is certainly debatable and the word light means different things to people of different strength.

      You really should not be advocating for husbands to beat their wives. The OP clearly said he does not like violence. This is NOT about dominant men, but clearly his wife is in the wrong and if it continues, there are other avenues he can consider, but resorting to "beating lightly" isn't a solution. Really, think about it, do you think his wife is reasonable? Certainly not...and how do you think an unreasonable person would react to a "light beating"??

      There are other interpretations to this verse, but the Prophet, peace be upon him, never advocated for beating one's wife and nor did he beat any of his wives.

      There is a link at the top for wife beating and knowing that there is more than one interpretation to the verse you are referring to, means one should be careful about this kind of suggestion. I hope you also know that in some countries if a spouse (gender is irrelevant) beats their spouse, they could be charged--this is not exactly sound advice.

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