Islamic marriage advice and family advice

An affair turned to living hell…

True Love

Al-Salam alaikum w rahmatulah w barakatu.

I met a man on facebook, he lived somewhere far away from me, but we then had a long distance relationship, he said he wanted to come visit the place I was living in for better job opportunities and tourism too. We got so attached and he even opened up marriage discussions with me. I didn't mind the marriage subject and I started thinking seriously about it, because he was my type and I thought we could make a wonderful couple and I loved everything in him.

I forgot to mention we had a very decent kind of relationship with no talks about anything that is haram. Actually he tried one time or two to talk about sex, but I always stopped him and showed him the limits in the relationship so god can be merciful about our relationship and make it last long and forever..

Finally after a while he decided to visit me. this is where my life turned to hell, I had a mental break down, I turned to alcohol (astghfer allah-i regret it till this minute) to cool myself down..
I was not fully focused and I didn't give him much attention.. which made him feel bad, shocked and betrayed. as he was really excited to meet me.
and I mentioned to him how nervous i was..

he took advantage of me, he made a fool of me, he tricked me, he touched me knowing I don't have much control over myself, he said he won't do anything that will make me lose my virginity... after him saying this I fainted and I don't remember anything after it and I don't know what he did to me...

Till after 1 or 2 months I started having doubts regarding my virginity and my hymen.

And it was very depressing for me. When I was quite 100% sure of it I started crying so badly and had a very huge shock but I had to hide it and move on ..

I started acting cool with this guy so I don't lose him and make sure he will come back again so I discuss with him and know the truth and how this has happened to me, and why did he do this to me? And try to do something about it..
He was ignoring me after he has travelled back to where he lives, I ignored him too till I realized my virginity problem which he caused.. and spoke to him and told him about our relationship, he was very cold and didn't want to talk about it.

Long story short.. I'm afraid he's fooling me and acting like everything is cool so he can slowly get out of the problem?? Plus I have a feeling he doesn't want me anymore because he mentioned about the distance that he doesn't like having long distance relationship.. If he doesn't like it than why did he start it??? I'm sure he was fooling me from the beginning.. I don't know what to do .. I want to get revenge .. I was living in hell because of what he has done to my life.. We both are from countries which requires virginity and he knows very well how much it is important, my family is conservative and I have mentioned this with him.

Layal111

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12 Responses »

  1. I don't know where you live but in the UK you can get examined by a medic to check if you've been penetrated- they often do it in rape cases and God forbid sister but this guy may have raped you. Please go to a doctor or your hospital and get it checked out and see a therapist inshallah

  2. You have been drugged and rapped! Noone can turn the clock and you have learned your lesson in a hard way. I don't know how long did that happened since this post is up. I strongly advise you to have a body check up for any sexual disease that you may have caught. Seek any counseling service for after rape.

    They only revenge you can do or actually you must do is : TO REPORT HIM TO THE AUTHORITY. He is an online predator who hunts for innocent girls like yourself. You may be surprised to know how many innocent girls have been tricked by this man. If your society is a conservative one, they will hunt him down and treat you seriously. Do not be afraid to step up, it may be a good thing you can do for the community.

    For yourself, you need to wake up and repent to Allah. Also ask yourself what makes you trust a stranger so easy? You don't want this pattern repeat itself. You need some guides and help from sisters or your mom if she is the person you can talk to. Getting drunk (not mention this is haram) is not a solution but leading to another vicious cycle. I hope you may get some comfort from your family / friends / or agencies.

    • Sister K: You have been drugged and raped! ...........They only revenge you can do or actually you must do is : TO REPORT HIM TO THE AUTHORITY.

      Going to authorities needs some solid evidence/proof.
      Well she has been friends online. He probably visited and stayed with her for few days. She says "he took advantage of me, he made a fool of me, he tricked me, he touched me knowing I don't have much control over myself, he said he won't do anything that will make me lose my virginity... after him saying this I fainted and I don't remember anything after it and I don't know what he did to me...Till after 1 or 2 months I started having doubts regarding my virginity and my hymen"

      She started doubting regarding virginity and her hyman after 1 or 2 months. She never mentioned he used force or raped her.

      Going to authorities also means lot more people will know it. They both are from countries which requires virginity. Going to authorities in such countries can mean she may be charged for doing illegal sex.

      They both have been playing "cool" after what happened. She played cool so as not to loose him.

      I don't think going to authorities is a good idea.

      • Sister K and SVS

        there's more details i did not mention
        Yes unfortunately i most likely did get drugged because he gave me whiskey to drink, after couple of minutes i have passed out

        he then traveled on the same day earlier in the morning, i asked him "you said you were staying for a week, now you're staying for one day"? he said "i have an emergency at work".

        i agree with SVS, its been 6 months since the incident and i don't think there is any proof of force since i was unconscious -

        i cant report anything to the authority nor get a check up ... Im in distress and i am worried about my future marriage life .. yet i have to act like nothing is wrong infront of everyone .. and im fooling myself into thinking that its just in my head .. but it isnt ..

  3. OP: he said he wanted to come visit the place I was living in for better job opportunities and tourism too.

    Finally after a while he decided to visit me. this is where my life turned to hell, I had a mental break down, I turned to alcohol (astghfer allah-i regret it till this minute) to cool myself down..I was not fully focused and I didn't give him much attention.. which made him feel bad, shocked and betrayed. as he was really excited to meet me. and I mentioned to him how nervous i was.he took advantage of me, he made a fool of me, he tricked me, he touched me knowing I don't have much control over myself, he said he won't do anything that will make me lose my virginity... after him saying this I fainted and I don't remember anything after it and I don't know what he did to me...

    Till after 1 or 2 months I started having doubts regarding my virginity and my hymen.

    IT SEEMS LIKE THAT GUY MAY BE INTERESTED IN BETTER JOB OPPORTUNITIES THEN MARRYING YOU. DID YOU HAVE A MENTAL BREAK DOWN BECAUSE OF HIM OR FOR SOME OTHER REASONS, LIKE STRESS, EXTREME NERVOUSNESS.

    DID YOU FAINT OR BECAME SEMICONSCIOUS WITH LITTLE AWARENESS AND CONTROL OVER WHAT WAS HAPPENING BECAUSE OF DRINKING.

    DID YOU FEEL THAT GUY HAD PENETRATED YOU AFTER YOU REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS?
    WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY? HOW KNOWING YOUR HYMEN IS INTACT IS GOING TO HELP YOU? HYMEN CAN BREAK BECAUSE OF OTHER REASONS ALSO.

    DON'T WASTE YOUR ENERGY THINKING ABOUT TAKING REVENGE.

    DID THIS GUY LIVE WITH YOU WHEN HE VISITED YOU?

    YOU DID STOP HIM FROM TALKING ABOUT SEX ONLINE, BUT FOR SOME REASONS YOU DID LET HIM GET CLOSE TO YOU TO TOUCH YOU.

    he said he won't do anything that will make me lose my virginity. IT IS POSSIBLE HE DID NOT PENETRATE.

    THAT GUY MAY BE ALREADY MARRIED AND WANTS TO COME FOR BETTER JOB OPPORTUNITIES.

    • OP: he said he wanted to come visit the place I was living in for better job opportunities and tourism too.

      Finally after a while he decided to visit me. this is where my life turned to hell, I had a mental break down, I turned to alcohol (astghfer allah-i regret it till this minute) to cool myself down..I was not fully focused and I didn't give him much attention.. which made him feel bad, shocked and betrayed. as he was really excited to meet me. and I mentioned to him how nervous i was.he took advantage of me, he made a fool of me, he tricked me, he touched me knowing I don't have much control over myself, he said he won't do anything that will make me lose my virginity... after him saying this I fainted and I don't remember anything after it and I don't know what he did to me...

      Till after 1 or 2 months I started having doubts regarding my virginity and my hymen.

      IT SEEMS LIKE THAT GUY MAY BE INTERESTED IN BETTER JOB OPPORTUNITIES THEN MARRYING YOU. DID YOU HAVE A MENTAL BREAK DOWN BECAUSE OF HIM OR FOR SOME OTHER REASONS, LIKE STRESS, EXTREME NERVOUSNESS.

      *Him saying this made me think he wanted to settle\get married where i live.
      *I had a mental breakdown from nervousness and anxiety in meeting him because our relationship was serious "atleast from my side" and i didnt know how it will go because i already have general anxiety and social anxiety in specific thats why i drank some alcohol to chill my self down
      .

      DID YOU FAINT OR BECAME SEMICONSCIOUS WITH LITTLE AWARENESS AND CONTROL OVER WHAT WAS HAPPENING BECAUSE OF DRINKING.

      *he poured a little bit of whiskey for me and him and i drank it. before the incident
      its a noway i will faint from the alcohol i was drinking, because it was very little amount mixed with a fizzy drink.

      DID YOU FEEL THAT GUY HAD PENETRATED YOU AFTER YOU REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS?
      WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY? HOW KNOWING YOUR HYMEN IS INTACT IS GOING TO HELP YOU? HYMEN CAN BREAK BECAUSE OF OTHER REASONS ALSO.

      *I felt nothing at all and the whole virginity wasn't on my mind till I had something called "queefing" its been almost 5 months and i still am having queefing from time to time, & i checked my hymen and it wasn't intact like it should be as far as i know

      DON'T WASTE YOUR ENERGY THINKING ABOUT TAKING REVENGE.

      DID THIS GUY LIVE WITH YOU WHEN HE VISITED YOU?

      *no, he was staying in a hotel

      YOU DID STOP HIM FROM TALKING ABOUT SEX ONLINE, BUT FOR SOME REASONS YOU DID LET HIM GET CLOSE TO YOU TO TOUCH YOU.

      *maybe i did but i dont remember letting him

      THAT GUY MAY BE ALREADY MARRIED AND WANTS TO COME FOR BETTER JOB OPPORTUNITIES.

      *he told he was married and is divorced

      • Well it is not your fault, if some one took advantage of you. I did not know what queefing is.
        I did some research and found that it is an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina. It may occur during or after sexual intercourse or during other sexual acts, stretching or exercise.

        From what I understand one can't continue to have it months after sexual intercourse.
        If you are bothered by it you should talk to a doctor so you can have peace of mind. If you go to Muslima doctor you can ask her about your virginity stuff also.

        Anxiety can make one oversensitive. By knowing every thing is fine, you may be able to let it go.

        • do u think i could go to a gynecologist and ask about this while am not married ? they wont take action against me ? in a gulf country ? though i am holding a foreign passport..

          • I am not a doctor or a counselor. I am just interested to help you.

            I think most likely your queefing has not thing to do with what happened 5 months ago.

            You may have had this air expulsion thing before but never noticed it and now you are focussing too much on that area of your body and noticing any sensations vary carefully.

            Queefing can happen in some women while they sit /stand. If you get hypersxual at times that may also cause it.

            I have no idea about what happens in gulf countries. If you go see a gynecologist, you don't have to share your story of your affair. Some one could have raped you in some other country at some other time by drugging you. So if you scared no need to talk about it.

            Many Western girls /women go to Gulf countries. I don't think their gynecologists report about their virginity to some health department.

  4. Dear Sister,
    Assalam alaikum,

    Stay clear of this man. Without a doubt he was interested in just using from the beginning--please do not consider marrying him even if he suggests it again. You didn't faint, this man, more than likely, drugged you as suggested above.

    You should not be naive and meet men alone. When you meet men online (or anyone for that matter) with no one's knowledge and in secrecy, you run the risk of putting yourself at their mercy as you have done. You did let yourself down sister--now you are wiser and know more.

    Go and see a doctor. Report this to the authorities. If possible, talk to your mother. Get yourself checked for any sexually transmitted infections/diseases. For a moment, stop worring about the future, and manage your physical, mental and spirtual health. Focus on yourself and moving forward.

    Change your phone number, your online information, block this man or any other non-Mahram--protect yourself. I hope that you have learned a valuable lesson.

    May Allah ease your problems.

  5. Dear SVS,

    thank you very much for your time and good advices, it opened up doors for me. i will go visit a doctor and inshallah it will be okay, need your prayers.

    regards

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