Islamic marriage advice and family advice

An unhappy marriage

broken heart

Assalam o alaikum all. I am 25years old. I got married when I was 21years old. I knew my husband for six months and dated him for only two months before getting engaged.

We had a period of 10months between our engagement and marriage. In the mean time we started having disagreements since we belong to two different cultures. I am a bengali and my husband is a pakistani. So we understood that we have differences in beliefs.

In between these 10months I met someone else and fell in love. That guy wanted me to break off my engagement and marry him. And I wanted to do the same but my culture wasn't allowing me. I was very scared to take my parents through the humiliation of cancelling the marriage at the peak time.

So I got married my husband and stopped contacts with the guy I loved. I thought with time I will fall in love with my husband. I tried to work this marriage out but it didnt happen.

With time me and my husband got worst, we fought like mad people and even lived separated for a while too but later came together again out of family and societal pressure since our society doesn't see divorce in a nice manner.

On the other hand my ex boyfriend kept telling me in last four years that he loves me and waiting for me to get divorced and go to him. I always ignored him and focused in my marriage.

Recently I have been in touch with him for last 8 months. I want to divorce my husband and go to my ex. My husband is a nice person but he turns into an animal when he is angry. He is also very selfish and egoistic. And most importantly our cultures and family values don't match. On the other hand my ex is one of the nicest men I have met in my life. I have always tried to find his qualities in my husband.

As much as I want to divorce my husband and be with my ex, my ex is also angry that why haven't I come for him in last four years. I'm saying sorry and trying to convince him but he is not willing to take me back. I am very very unhappy in this marriage. Im going through depression and even talked to a psychiatric. My parents don't understand me and want me to stay with my husband no matter what. Because they are scared what society is going to think.

Its been four years and I could not dare to have a baby. I really want to settle down and have a baby, but not with my husband. I want a family with the person I truly love.

I'm suffering like anything and I have nobody to talk to or guide me. Im so desperate for a solutions and some guidance sisters! Please help me out and show me the right path. I wanted to pray istekhara to see what is good for me, staying with my husband or getting out of this marriage but don't know how to do it either. I'm so lost and scared. Please help me out.

All I want is to be happy with my ex, the person I love with all my heart and want a halal and happy marriage with him if he changes his heart and accept me now. Please help!


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8 Responses »

  1. Sister what are you doing to yourself? Your confused - you mentioned that your Bengali and husband is Pakistani, the two cultures are actually very similar, and there should be no difference with beliefs as you both follow the same faith. What seems to be missing in your case is your connection to Allah swt. Your going down a dangerous path, of course your not going to love your husband if your mind is elsewhere. Your besotted by this random person who you cheated on your husband with during the engagement. If you were that into him you should've stepped up and prevented your marriage to your husband and married the other guy instead. If your so concerned about your parents reputation and what society is going to say then appt the same principle now. Don't you think your parents and society will judge you if they realise that the reason why you want to divorce now is because you have in fact been cheating on your husband.

    Also, the fact that this other guy has the audacity to not only communicate but also suggest you divorce your husband should show you that he's a complete waste of time. No respectable God fearing guy would do that. If he loves you etc, then why is he ignoring you right now, and pushing you away. He's not serious about you, that's why! How can you be sure he won't reject you after you divorce your husband for him. You will lose value in his eyes. No real man would accept a woman who has cheated on her husband and then divorced him for another man. If I was in his position i would find it difficult to trust you.

    I think you need to repent and feel remorse for your actions. Forget this other guy, he is clearly saying he doesn't want you back. Consider that a sign from Allah. Block him and remove all paths that would reconnect you with him. Focus on your husband. Focus on your imaan, and do your prayers, strive to be a good Muslim and help to bring your husband in the same direction. Allah will bless your marriage but only if you put some effort into it and stop interacting with a non mahram.

    If despite this your still not interested in your husband then that's a completely different story. In that case you can think about possible solutions. The option of divorce is available but only as a last resort and for good reasons, and not because you want to marry some random guy.

    I pray Allah swt guides you and puts love between you and your husband and showers your marriage with blessings. Ameen

  2. You are struggling and depressed because you have chosen the path of Satan .You were cheating your husband which is haraam thing .Instead of repairing your relationship with your husband you took pleasure in talking to other man . How come you will get peace in life when you are deviating from the path of Allah ?

    Other man is clearly rejecting you as he might be feeling that when a woman can cheat her own husband she can further cheat him too after marriage ..So you are loosing all respect .

    You need to focus on your relation ship with your husband .And still if you find difficult to stay with him the decision has to come without the influence of third man .

    First build your relationship with Allah and follow the true path of Islam .

  3. Salaam Sister,

    Please understand that you wanting to divorce your husband and you wanting to marry your ex are two different matters.

    If you divorce your husband, don't do it because you want to marry your ex, do it because you can't spend your life with your husband. So after your divorce if you marry this ex of yours or not should not matter, because chances are he might or might not.

    First of all repent to Allah that you have committed Zina and change yourself for the better and avoid doing Zina in the future. Zina is keeping contact with a non mehram man (no matter how much the shaitan puts whispers that you both love each other).

    You committed Zina by having a realtionship with your now husband before marriage, also you are still comiitting Zina by having contact with your ex. If he really loves you then ask him to wait till you divorce your husband and not to keep in contact with you till then.

    If you repent sincerely to Allah, surely Allah will guide you to the right path. So repent a lot and make dua a lot.

    Secondly, try to solve your issues with your husband where both of you put effort to improve the relationship. (Some books I recommend , His Needs Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages)

    If you both are not able to solve the issues then it's better to move on and get separated.

    May Allah guide you.

  4. Everything requires work, even marriage. So many come into marriages thinking it will be a fairy tale and all their problems will be solved. You can never know someone until you live with someone. Communicate with love and know each other.

  5. Assalamu Walaikum sister,
    I am a Bengali (Banglaseshi/বাংলাদেশী) as well and love Pakistanis, most of them are very good people, and I also know that Pakistani people love Bengali people too, but my concern is if you get marry to your ex, would his family or parents is going to accept you? Is he had ever get married? Then his parents would not definitely find a divorcee bride for him. If his family is not going to accept you and if you get married with him then you might be fall into another trap. Another thing I would like to suggest you that I think keeping a boyfriend when you're married it's very bad and it's a cheating.

    Wish you all the best.

  6. This may not make the situation better. You need to try working things out with your husband and if all else fails then maybe its for you to call it quits and separate. Know that you need to doo all this for yourself and not your ex. Your ex is not willing to accept you and you need to move on. You need to bring balance back to your life and prioritise what is more important in life. And that is to re-connect with Allah.

  7. Slm aleykyk sister:) I see your seeking for help and reading everything here I see some ppl are angry with you. Religiously we are not to judge. I really tuely understand you and I am concerned about you. Allah has given you a challenge the challenge with 2 men. It's once big chapter a chapter that can destroy your personality. Saying all this it's only going to make you closer to Allah that's why he has given you this gift of unhappiness in this world ;)) all everyone one wants in this life is love and all Allah wants is for you to love him. It's a hard life you are living and yes the seytan is playing with you and all of us. You may not be the perfect match with your partner but the next one that might come might make you realise he was better than the one that you think you love. I just want to to sit down and think about everything you have ever wanted from Allah. He has given you everything you have ever wanted in life even this man you married was your wish. So what ever happens after all this is still your wish. Just pray for one thing to Allah that is what ever is good for you let it be if not let it remain :). If your truely unhappy just do it but please don't donit for another man. ;))) you know all your answers don't force what's wrong for you. I can see more of a future with your husband than your ex who is angry and always will remain angry. Your husnvd knows you don't love him and that's the only reason why his angry;) show him love and everything will be just fine. Allah will never make us all 100 percent happy this is your challenge the challenge that will allow you tbenter cennet:)

    • Hello and assalaam alaikum,
      I am not going to judge you sister as Allah swt is the only One to judge You. I think many advisors here are focusing on your past and not your future. The fact that you are looking for help is going in the right direction. Don't waste your time with counselors. You need Allah swt.
      You have asked for help and guidance on Allah swt has the straight path.

      Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah :The Prophet (Sallal Laho Alaihi Wasallam) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara, in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran. He said, "If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer):

      First pray Two Cycles (raka') of ritual Prayer (nafil) such that in the first raka' after Surah Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Kafirun (Chapter 109) and in the second raka' after Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Ikhlas (Chapter 112). After finishing prayer recite this (supplication/dua'): Dua: "O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action ---------------------------- (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."

      How many times?
      It depends. Sometimes it takes only once to get the answer and sometimes it takes longer. It is better to do istakhara seven (7) times. If you have received an answer as explained in the section below, stop doing istikhara. You do not have to continue to do isitkhara for 7 days. It is better that right after reciting the supplication, given above, sleep with ablution (people who cannot keep the ablution for longer times due to health problems do not have to worry about ablution before falling asleep) facing the direction of the Qibla (facing the Qibla is not required but it is a Sunnat of our beloved Prophet Peace Be Upon Him). It is better to recite salutations (durood/ salawat) on the Prophet Allah's Grace and Peace be upon him before and after the above Dua (supplication).

      If in the dream one sees whiteness (means any thing white in color, for example: milk, white paper, white sky, white clothes, white light etc.) or greenness (means any thing green in color, for example: grass, plants, trees, green clothes, green light etc.) then understand that this task is better and if one sees redness (means any thing red in color, for example: blood, red clothing, red fruit, red light etc.) or blackness (means any thing black in color, for example: black water, black light, black clothings, black sky, black wall etc. ) then understand it is bad and avoid it.

      If do not remember any dream or do not see any colors then follow your heart. Whatever intention grows stronger in your heart regarding your targated work follow it after seven days of Istakhara.

      Hope this helps. Remember temptation comes from Satan.

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