Anxiety about relations after marriage
Hi,
I am 28 years old pakistani guy about to get married after a month. It is a typical arranged marriage but we do like each other very much. I am alhemd well settled good looking guy and have no physical/financial issues. I was extremely excited about this marriage but as i am getting close to this marriage excitment is getting replaced by fearfulness. I am on the crossroads and this is the only place where i can get any experienced advice. Actually I always have high sexual drive and it has always been very challenging to control my sexual feeling. I used to masturbate which alhmed i have stopped 3-4 years ago. I have never made any physical relation with any women and for me this is my achivement considering spending some years abroad in western society. Reading many sisters posts here i have come to know how much sexual satisfaction is important for both the partners. and how can we ruin someone's life. I really dont want to do this.
a) Actually i am worried about my first few times. I know i would be extremely excited and would be done within a minute. I know i can cover with lots of foreplay but again as per my research women requires a lot of time. and i am sure i wouldnt be able to last that longer. Of course i would feel women first time (Some thing i am imagining from many years). I would be extremely excited and will be finished with in a minute. I think it would be cheating on my wife and huge sin if i know in advance about my problem that i wouldn't be able to satisfy her rights. Please dont tell me i will be ok because from my masturbation experience whenever i am too much excited i never last long. no matter how much hard i try.
b) I know i will be much better and would be able to satisfy her properly after first few days (settling down period). I dont have any physical issue and always have very strong erections. But again whenever i imagine my first few times i always feel ashamed of not fullfilling my duties and i think it will be huge sin as i dont want to shatter someone's dream.Should i refuse this marriage? what islam says about this? will i be doing any atrocity on her if i continue with this marriage?
c) Please note that i can easily resolve this situation through lots of masturbation by releasing all the excitment and can also practice lasting longer? I dont want to restart this haram act i have already left this sin after lots of suffering and hardwork? But a/c to my research on internet the only solution is to masturbate and released before intercourse am i allowed to this? I know this i will be able to satisfy her much better.
d) Which will be the bigger sin? Refusing marriage now? (Please consider if i refuse now without giving any reason her life would be shattered in our society. I dont want this)? Or not fullfilling my duties as a husband for some initial days (Very important days of one's married life)?. I have spend my whole life very respectfully I dont want to lose that respect.
e) Will she start hating me if i wouldnt be able to fully satisfy her initially? I need some advice from ladies point of view. How much intercourse duration is important? Is there any solution? anyone faced this issue? or i am the only one in this world??
I have spend my whole life very respectfully I dont want to lose that respect. I am really on the crossroads and have no one in this world for advise/help. Please help me before i take any stupid decision.
Thanks.
smgmuslimbrother
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Assalam alaikum
I believe many women with me most of all want to feel a connection. A connection of love, respect, joy and yes, intimacy. A new bride is bound to be nervous too. Your nervousness is likely to endear you to her. My advice is talk to her. Tell her you think she is beautiful, that you consider yourself lucky to be allowed to love her and touch her. Tell her of your fears. Be honest. She will love you and respect you for it if you explain that it is because you want her so much and are eager to please her and make her feel loved. Women love it when a man tries to talk about his feelings for her! Don't worry about going back to sinful ways. In stead, be truthful and loving with your wife. Not only will it make intimacy better, it will allow you to start your marriage in love, respect and honesty, and that is a good investment in your common future, even if you find it embarassing initially. Good luck, and I wish you a happy marriage Insh Allah.
Assalaamualaikam
Firstly, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I pray that you have long and happy lives together, inshaAllah.
Although physical intimacy is important, what should be more important is the emotional intimacy that grows between the two of you, inshaAllah. Your wife will, inshaAllah, understand your nervousness and excitement - she is likely to be feeling similarly herself! When the two of you are alone as husband and wife, share your feelings with her - tell her how much you care for and respect her, that you are coming to this marriage as a virgin, that you want the two of you to learn about sex together.
There shouldn't be an expectation that sex will be mindblowing from the start. InshaAllah, the two of you can discover what makes physical intimacy enjoyable for you as a couple. This is likely to take some time, so don't panic. Even in the years to come, there may well be times when physical intimacy doesn't go exactly to plan - and that's ok too - the important thing is that the two of you are experiencing all of this together, in a loving marriage.
As well as this, I'd suggest the following:
- Try as hard as you can to avoid masturbation - you've done really well to give it up in the past, mashaAllah.
- Don't think of orgasm as the most important part of sex - it's far more important for both of you to feel loved and respected.
- Before the two of you are physically intimate, pray together and make dua asking for Allah's blessings.
- Rather than reading anxiety-provoking things online, study the Quran and ahadith - learn about how The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) approached marriage, and the importance of shared gentleness and respect.
- Once you are halal for each other, you and your wife can communicate about sex, so there's no need for the two of you to avoid saying what feels good and what doesn't. If one of you likes something the other has done, say so! Likewise, if something isn't working, say that and try something else. Communication is really, really important.
May Allah bless your marriage and guide you and your future wife to what is best, in this life and the next.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum,
a) Do not let this reason persuade you to end your plans of marriage to this girl.
b) I do not think you will be doing any huge sin as being excited for marriage to one's spouse can be considered a positive, not a negative. Of course, neither one of you will be perfect in intimacy initially and in fact, after years, people can always improve. Intimacy is more than just a physical act - it the love and care and wooing and sweet words that one shares with one's spouse. And, especially for women, that wooing makes a wife feel extra special -- and is not at all limited to physical intimacy.
c) I am in no position to weigh your sins as major or minor - but I do believe that you are stressing, but alhumdulillah, perhaps this will help you in being a better person and husband - the initial days or settling down period are simply as you put it. Just because it may take a few days doesn't mean you are not trying and that is what is most important.
d) There is no way I can see your wife hating you especially if you care for her, love her, flirt with her, basically, be yourself with her! Sr. Sahaddita did a great job above - read it one more time.
Finally, don't stress so much. Do not break off the marriage by any means! Intimacy takes two and effort from both. The more you talk to her and share your honesty with her, she will, inn shaa Allah, appreciate that. I would strongly suggest that you avoid any sinful act, regardless of whether you think it will help you - as it is best that you and your wife become the only source of physical intimacy for one another. Inn shaa Allah, you will see that your worries will dissipate and both you and her will be fine.
May Allah grant you a blessed, successful marriage, Ameen, thummah Ameen.
Salaam brother, congrats on your upcoming marriage! I think it's very thoughtful of you to be so considerate of your wife to be's feelings mashaAllah, may Allah swt always keep you both happy. I am sure she is just nervous as you, but things will fall into place so don't worry.
Here's a you tube video of some islamic advice: http://youtu.be/2FDGTsi8ScI
Have a look if you get the chance.
Asalam alaikum,
First of all thanks a lot for all these king words. These words give me a lot of hope and strength. But i am still confused some how.
a) I am not sure i will be able to openly discuss my weakness ever :S Whenever i imagine the disappointment she will face first time. i really feel very bad. I don't know how i will face her after that. Am i bound morally and islamically to tell her about my weakness before marriage so she may decide again?
b) Can i delay the physical intimacy for some days after marriage. Although this might make me even more excited. Should i delay or not i need some suggestions from islamic point of view.
c) Does Islam allows masturbation in this situation when i am not doing it for pleasure i am doing it only to properly give my spouse her due physical rights.
d) Is there any other solution because what i understand duration matters a lot for women and this makes me feel i am the only one who is going through this situation in this world.
Thanks.
AsSalaamu 'alaikum brother,
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming marriage, mashaAllah. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless your marital home with much delights and successes. Ameen!
a)To me what is most important is to keep your innocence and be real--be who you are. No man is perfect in the beginning, and therefore you can't be what you are not however. And trying to be what you are not through any means, might mess up things for you as a beginner, so be careful, my dear brother.
I think almost all men worry about what they should be doing at the first time meeting with their wives, as they do not want to mess up things and keep a failure memory in the her mind, especially when many of them have heard many stories, such as ''the first time is unforgettable'' and such as ''you may lose your respect from her if you don't do well or if you don't act like a man, etc''. These stories make men panic and nervous from the beginning. However, I think the matter has been exaggerated by people.
Just learn the basic important things, beginning from how to make your wife happy psychologically and emotionally without sex (through complimenting her good behavior and physical appearance, sincerely telling her how you feel around her , buying her gifts, having some walk with her, making tea or cooking for her, surprising her, praying tahajjud with her, etc,) to how to foreplay with her--just the basic knowledge of foreplay should be enough, since you may not need everything you learn, and women are different (you will begin to understand your wife and know how to make the tea that she likes through your own way, isnahAllah).
I don't think you should tell your wife that you are weak or this and that. Just let her know that you are not ready yet, and that if the both of you could spend more time learning about each other first? She probably might be having the same thought as you, and she could be nervous too. And I believe almost all women will agree to the idea of delaying physical intimacy until you both are able to bring one another into it psychologically and emotionally.
b) Of course, you can delay your physical intimacy if both of you are not into it yet. Physical intimacy isn't something you just jump into it. you need to go it slowly and gradually (it doesn't matter how long or days, weeks, or months it may take) till you feel comfortable about each other. When the both of you become more comfortable about each other and feel secured, the sexual desire will build itself gradually and overcome you no matter how hard you may try to resist it, and then whatever happens will be the best experience ever for the both of you inshaAllah--in such situations no weakness shall be observed because there was no weakness in the first place at all. Most women will enjoy your innocence and will appreciate to see your growing up as time goes on, inshaAllah.
c) Despite the different opinions regarding the correct ruling for masturbation, it won't be a good idea to do it while your wife is there. Among the best ways to properly give your wife her due rights, is to keep whatever belongs to her for her alone. You are going to be doing it without her knowledge, and to me that is a kind of cheating on her, as that might also involve images of other than your wife, such as images from the past or current.
d) Don't worry about the duration. Many men think of it a lot in the beginning, but it will just become a past story inshaAllah after you have gone through some experience with your wife. Masturbation cannot determine your sexual strengths as it's nothing but an imagination. Wait till you see your real strength after some time in marriage, and usually it should be a positive strength inshaAllah.
Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah knows best.
Assalam alaikum,
I suggest you re-read Sr. Midnightmoon's response one more time.
Neither one of you will be perfect at intimacy the first time. You should enjoy each other's presence, talk, get close. Let me put it this way, if you were perfect at physical intimacy, but completely ignored her feelings, this would fail a wife's needs--a wife needs you to be the genuine you. You don't have any weakness, you are just nervous about not being a husband before, so your expectation of being perfect is not realistic. Inn shaa Allah, you and her will both understand this in time. You are being hard on yourself and in the worst case scenario--if you feel bad or you think she feels bad, when she sees that you are willing to make her happy and take the steps to do that, she will appreciate that inn shaa Allah.
a) You are not weak.
b) I don't think you should do that - she would wonder if something was wrong with her--be natural and do what is right for both of you in the right moment. Stop trying to plan it to the perfection.
c) Perhaps another reader can answer this question or read Sr. Midnightmoon's response above.
d) You are not the only one in the world in this situation.
http://www.likeagarment.com/ebook/
This is a great book about understanding women and sex from an islamic perspective.
You are just nervous, as it's normal to be. Just know that having sex in a relationship is full of many ups and downs, and you will always always be learning how to make your partner happy. No one is perfect even after years in a relationship.
So relax, have fun, and don't stress because she is probably really nervous too and don't be afraid or embarrassed if you make a mistake or have no clue what you are doing. It's not and it's just part of the journey.
Sorry the link above doesn't work, but just google the title nd you will find it.
Aoa Brother,
I am also from Pakistan, and keeping the cultural context in mind let me give you some advise in short and simple words.
Dont worry about the first the time, go with the flow. Do not masturbate. The first time is certainly not about performance, it is not about sex, it is about intimacy.
Also consider that it is her first time too and she is more concerned about questions like: losing her virginity, and pain that may come with it; fearing that her husband might be rough with her and try to force him onto her etc.
What you may have seen in movies is not real. Human intimacy may last from 4 mins to 11 mins, and infact your wife may have a problem if you go for too long. Every person is different, so explore what works for you as a couple with your wife. Give her the confidence to share with you she likes. It may so happen that she is so nervous that you are not be able to have intercourse the first night. Be gentle and dont worry that you must have to consumate your marriage on the first night.
If you over think it and go like a pro she might think that you are not a virgin and have been fooling arround. Arousal in women is not as simple as the duration of the intercourse, they need to feel emotional closeness that leads to physical intercourse.
You may need to get some contraceptive if you intend to plan your family.
BTW there are some condom varieties available that "claim" to slightly desensitize you and therefore increase your performance. That is one option if you must have to make an epic first impression.
hope it helps 🙂