Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What is the appropriate/right age for marriage and how do you know if someone is honest/ truthful; not fake?

Assalam O Alaikum brothers and sisters,

I would like to say firstly can I only have the Islamic answer to this question, no personal preferences and no judgement either. jazakallah

My parents have told me that I have the freedom to choose my future spouse. I don't mean in an un-Islamic way and I don't mean having a boyfriend I mean that if I know anyone suitable I should let them know.

My problem is that I always think that it takes time to get to know someone and I should not rush into marriage! So, I always turn down rishtaas (proposals) and potential suitors as I have an anxiety that maybe he will turn out to be bad or maybe he has bad intentions.

How do you think I can overcome this? Are my thoughts correct? Are there any duas I can read to get married and have a successful marriage?

Jazakallah,

Allah hafiz.

Broken Brain.


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17 Responses »

  1. Salamu'alaikum,

    Sister, In this way, it is very difficult to find a suitor.
    I think there is a better way. When he sees you in presence of your Mahram, observe his questions. If his questions are about your 'Aqeedah, your Religiousness, then perhaps there are chances that he be a positive option.

    Then you or your Mahram could question him about what would matter you as a wife, such as his attitude (such as anger, etc.), and whatever you think matters the most. Then you can probably take a decision, based on your Istikhaarah and advises your parents give you concerning this man.

    Insha Allah, these articles would help you, too:

    Choosing a husband
    Attributes of the ideal Muslim husband

    I pray that Allah gives you the most perfect match so that you both together work towards the Jannah
    Wassalamu'alaikum
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • sallam

      thanks brother you made some very good points. i never asked the guys questions before because i was afraid that it would seem rude. but i guess its better to ask then to made a mistake and regret it.

      Allah hafiz

      • Wa Alaikum as Salam,

        Sister, if you think you would sound rude, then you can ask your Mahram to do it on your behalf.

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • sallam

          issue is my father is very quite and he hardly talks so he never asks questions. my mum only starts talking about us and never asks the guy anything. maybe i can ask my brothers there yougner than me but still adults.?

          Allah hafiz

  2. Salaam, according to Hadith in Sahih Bukhari prophet [saw] advised us to get married or keep fast ...And in Islam one becomes adult soon as he/she reaches age of puberty thus please avoid listening to unbelievers

    who do not know what Allah said & even if they do read Qur'an might have missed the part of several times Allah saying; "Obey Allah And Obey His Messenger" thus when one does not find something in Qur'an should Obey the Messenger i.e look in Hadith...I haven't had time to quote many things but we know and ARE proud of the age of Aisha's Marriage to the Prophet [saw] and any 'Proof' you need please get to me on (email address deleted by Editor) quoting title as 'Proof' of marital age...

  3. There's this Du'a in the Qur'aan:

    Surah Furqaan, Aayah 74:

    وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ
    رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

    And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqun"

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. 1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.

    This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

    Marriage is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.

    As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for two decades.

    “Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.

    2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.

    Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).

    This of course, applies to women as well.

    However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.

    According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.

    And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements in Islamic publications for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.

    “If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, president of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada.

    She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship.

    3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.

    This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes.

    “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).

    “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).

    “Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.

    Imam Nur Abdullah notes that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith in which the Prophet said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...” (Abu Dawud).

    This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.

    Abdullah also notes there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other. However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying.

    He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.

    4. Get someone to help

    Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse or initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

    Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

    Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.

    This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.

    For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

    However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

    If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.

    5. Always ask for references

    This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.

    A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

    A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

    The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab, can help in this regard:

    A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”

    “No.”

    “Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”

    “No.”

    “Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”

    “No.”

    “I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”

    “Yes.”

    “Go, for you do not know him...”

    And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”

    (quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)

    This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

    6. When you meet, don't be alone

    The Prophet said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).

    He also advised men: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).

    Meeting alone, in the hotel room during a conference for instance, is not permissible. The prospective spouses should not place themselves in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.

    Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.

    As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Shahina Siddiqui, president of the Islamic Social Services Association‘s Canada branch. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.

    7. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.

    The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.

    Imam Nur Abdullah says some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.

    He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.

    This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.

    With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), Imam Nur Abdullah says these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.

    Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country, with in-laws or in their own apartment/home).

    The Imam also says the couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states require this before marriage.

    Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between them.

    And Allah knows best

    • Nadia,

      Your response is wonderful. Alhamdulillah!

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • sallam

      firstly jazakallah and mashallah your answer was teriffict i was really lsot and didnt know what to do and how to proceed and i think this is where my anxiety stems from! i really didnt have a clue im going to print your answer and refer to it !

      jazakallah

      Allah hafiz

    • Salam Nadia,
      I absolutely LOVE your response, and will definetly use your advice when the time comes inshaAllah 🙂

  5. assalamalaikum-
    Three things you should not delay

    It is reported that Al-Ahnaf b. Qays – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

    “Restraint is praiseworthy except in three things.” People asked, “And
    what are they o Abû Bahr?” He replied, “Make haste to do the righteous
    deed, hurry to conduct the funeral of your deceased, and marry the
    girl in your charge to a suitable man [as soon as you find him.]”

  6. Lol sorry sister for my laughing just read your story today again and I was checking my answer then I was laughing because if we all knew from the beginning weather that man or women is honest or worth of marrying and spend rest of my life if we had that vision then non of us would have problem or separation cheating or divorce. We all would have live our life peacefully. So you really cannot understand till you start living together. We humen dosent take time to change our image. 🙂

    • sallam sister

      dont worry your answer helped me alot. i feel alot more confident about marriage and i feel more prepared for it.

      jazakallah

      Allah hafiz

  7. Firstly i know what you are going through been there myself.

    Best advice i can give you make dua and also test the brother.

    Make a lot of tests for him. Inshallah your walis and gaurdians want best for you so they should test patience character of each brother.

    I know when i was allowed chaparoned meetings with a brother even on first meeting i really was harsh with them. I told them how it was. But some girls try to be all agreeing with the brother you need to test them. So ask them hard questions and disagree with them on answers to see hoe they react.

    one question that really got brothers stirred up was i asked them what they think of niqab. Always let them answer first. I remember a few saying they dislike it and think its extreme so in response i said well i want to wear it inshallah and i expect my husband to support me in islamic ascpets of the marriage. that really winds them up and i could see how angry and frustrated they were. i could see there true colours.

    Sometimes i get on their nerves to see how they react can they tolerate and have patience.
    The only one who was successful was my now husband. He passed all those tests. Even when my family irratated him and was anasty to him he remiained patient and did not react like them. But they were only testing him. 😀

    • Muhajaba, this is very illustrative. You're obviously a combative and judgmental person by nature. I don't think you are right for this website. The people who come here need guidance, compassion, and kind advice.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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