Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arab interracial marriage

salam.

i am an 18 year old arab student born and raised in the UK. 6 months ago i met a man online my age who is also an arab (but from a different country) who does not live in the Uk. we both speak english and arabic fluently, we both have the same mentality and think very similar. I truly love him very much. the problem is that he is an arab from a different country. if he was the same arab as me, there wouldn't be a problem in terms of marriage and my parents. But my parents have the old cultural mentality that i should only marry a man from the same country as me. they have made this clear to me many times. i am afraid to tell them about him because i know they will not approve. i have cut contact with him due to this, and honestly am heartbroken. we are both devastated and i feel so sad and depressed. however i want to fight for him and tell my parents straight up. i do not think they will agree and it's simply because of race. he is a good practicing muslim and a great great man. how do i convince my parents? is it fair that they choose who i can't marry just because of race and no other reason. i truly want to marry this man in future and as does he. he is even willing to come and meet my parents and formally ask for my hand in marriage. and i know 100% if he was the same arab as me, they would love him (because he's truly one of a kind). What do i do? i really need help and i feel so very upset. what do i do if they do not change their minds?

arwa17654

 

 


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9 Responses »

  1. I am sorry you are having this issue

    in certain respects I cannot blame your parents for feeling uncomfortable of you wanting to marry outside of the country

    for the main fact that there are a great many marriages that are done between people who are from First World countries and third world countries

    9 out of 10 times those marriages fail

    because the person from the third world country only married for the nationality and then Runs Out

    I was a victim of marriage fraud
    My ex husband married me for a greencard
    And ran away when he got it

    I feel your parents are thinking along the same lines.

    They are scared you will suffer like the many people who were victims of marriage fraud

    Sister have you ever seen the face of the other person you talked with?

    have you Skype chat with that person

    are you sure that person is not catfishing you

    did he ever ask you for any money

    Catfishing refers to a person who fools other people online
    into thinking they are something
    when they are really someone else

    You met him online and never face to face

    forgive me but everybody knows that anyone can look wonderful online

    but in real life you have to deal with a person's faults and pet peeves
    and trust me it's not wonderful
    it's reality

    Not to step on your toes
    But you are just 18 years old you are still too young to get married
    you have to complete your education

    And that boy is also 18
    he is clearly too young for marriage

    a man should be at least in his late twenties for marriage

    18 years old is just a kid

    I'm starting to feel that there is deception on the other line

    It's very common for young men to try and romance women because their youth is very tempting

    But do one thing I want you to put him to a test I want you to talk with him and say this

    "I have a surprise for you.
    My parents have just sold their property.
    We all are planning to go to Arabia to live there.
    I want to spend my married life with you in your country
    As I have no home in UK."

    Watch his expression. See how his voice falters.
    The first few seconds will tell you what his intentions are.

    If he tries to struggle with you and say,
    "buy back your house in UK or I want to live in the UK not Saudi Arabia"

    That is just full proof that he wants you only for your nationality and nothing else

    Do this test if you want the truth.

    if he really loved you
    he would not care where he lives with you

    as long as he was living with you

    You are 18 years old
    you have your whole life to find the person you want to be with

    trust me once you go through a divorce at your age
    Islamic culture will turn away from you

    and they will not want anything to do with you

    especially if you have a child

    Most of the people will not want you to be with their sons

    because they do not want the reputation of their son being with a woman who was married before

    Even if it was the man's fault that she divorced in Islamic culture it is always looked as the woman's fault

    it's sad but true

    Most of the people you thought that was your friends
    will leave you
    that's just how it is

    A divorce can truly show

    They will be upset because they want their daughter-in-law to be a virgin

    Nothing will happen to the man because in our culture a man can do anything and get away with it

    I'm not trying to hurt your feelings my dear

    but I'm trying to tell you how the reality is

    and it is an ugly reality

    (I wish somebody would have told me this when I was 18 years old

    I got married when I was 19 and it was difficult ever since

    I remarried when I was 27 to a Muslim covert in the usa, but that's another story)

    it has nothing to do with Islam
    but our culture is very toxic and hypocritical

    Go to YouTube and look up videos about marriage fraud you will see everything you need to know and green card fraud

    Good luck
    You're going to need it
    Salamalekum

    • Even he might continue affair if she says she is moving out of UK. bcos some guys will do it for fun and sex .

      • Could be
        And once again he is 18.
        What 18 yr old guy is fully independent and mature?

        He's a youngster
        So is the sister
        They are just too young.

        • assalam alaikum
          sister i dont undertsands what are you trying to say about islamic divorce culture and it only looks at women fault???you may have misconceptions but islam provides full rights to women.even after divorce you can live life with haq mehr which is signed in nikkah cermony.ii think you should let your case handed to the ulema of uk and ask them what to do further in future.i pray for you may allah bless you with every thing you want in this life.

  2. Salam ,,I have one simple question for all of us or from every Muslim that now how we Muslim build a culture or society or a tradition that most of the girls not choosing husband by Islamic way or according to Hadeeth or Quran ?why most of the well educated women's go for the long turn relationship with men ?i didn't say that they go for Zena ?astagferullah but surely they keep in touch till they fall in love ?in such cases surely if the guy whom they love even though he belongs from Hundu or Jews they will marrige cause they are blind in love ?such dirty culture tradition or activity I think completely opposite of Islam ,,

  3. I really support some of the comments for the above sister problem especially Reshme Turcuios ,,

    • Let's just say, life punched me in the face so many times that I can almost detect it's pattern.
      Sometimes it still hurts.

  4. As-salamu Alaykum, Sister Arwa,

    The first thing you may wish to consider is that your parents would probably find it disappointing that you have gone online to form this relationship. This may be an even bigger issue than the nationality of the boy. In my opinion, you have done something good by cutting contact with him as this will help you avoid falling into any prohibited acts, Insha'Allah. Although exceptional circumstances may occasionally occur, this is not usually the proper way to form a relationship as a Muslim. Parents like to be involved and filter out potential harms to their children...and this type of arrangement excludes your parents from the process. You have already formed an attachment, which means that you have introduced an unnecessary dilemma into your life. You would not be feeling so down now if you had refrained from opening that door.

    If the boy is serious, however, he can approach your parents in the correct manner, but I would think it unlikely that he is ready to undertake the responsibilities of marriage at the age of 18. At 18, he does not have a track record of showing that he is capable of earning, saving, and being responsible enough to support a family. Even if he had the same nationality, your parents would certainly be concerned about these issues.

    Personally, I have children your age (of both genders), and I would honestly just prefer that they put their energies into studying at this point. This is an age where you can do a lot of amazing things if you channel your energy the right way. It is also an age at which your decisions can have very long-term consequences for the rest of your life...especially with regard to marriage, children, and your education.

    And to be honest, if someone is mature enough to be married, then they are usually mature enough to discuss these important issues with their parents in an open and forthright manner. If everything is a secret, then that means something is amiss, and I am sure you do not want to live a double-life where you constantly fear being found out.

    If you want your parents to be open to cross-cultural marriage in the future, you should try to start gradually having general conversations about the topic now. Not about this specific person, but in general...about the concept, which is actually quite beautiful when applied between two Muslims who are mature in outlook and faith. As others have cautioned, however, there can also be serious challenges, and you also have to consider family dynamics on both sides before making any serious decisions.

    I am also not sure that it is possible for someone to portray his true self on the Internet. You are seeing a slice, but not the whole picture, which is part of what makes online relationships very risky, and even dangerous sometimes. Think about this a bit when you look at the FB profiles of people you know in real life. How much do you really see compared to what you know through day-to-day interactions and personal experience? You should also know that boys who talk to girls online often talk to multiple girls at once. This is a fact. On the flip side, boys who are more religious do not usually consider it okay to meet girls online. If it happened once due to poor judgment or some other circumstance, then someone concerned about his Deen would immediately want to make the relationship legitimate by going to the girl's family. If that is not happening, you have to ask yourself why. In your case, it could be for multiple reasons:

    1. He is not mature or financially stable enough to even approach his own family with the idea, much less yours (in which case, why is he forming this relationship?).

    2. You have presented him with an obstacle which he cannot overcome (his nationality versus your parents), in which case why are you prolonging matters?

    3. One or both of you is just playing around, perhaps not maliciously, but because it feels nice to have someone to talk to and dream with...in which case you will eventually have to face reality. Advice: Stop before it gets too complicated or leads you to regret.

    4. The intent is malicious - idle fun, desire for citizenship, or maybe something worse, like using you for sex or luring you into dubious or illegal activities (don't think it can't happen or that #3 can't lead to #4).

    Consider the above carefully, and resolve to make some changes.

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