Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Are my parents allowed to force me to marry someone?

forced marriage

I'm the elder daughter of my parents. I have another younger sister. We don't have any brother. We always tried to do everything what our parents wanted us to do. Every time my father used to tell me you can do this and you can't do this. I didn't have any opinion of my own. It is like what ever we do on our own will be wrong and bad for us.

He loves us so much that’s why he was very protective but on the other hand I don’t have any self-confidence. Anyways, now its time for me to get married and from the very beginning I have decided that I will get married with the person who is chosen by me, but my father is not agreed.

He thinks he is not good for me, that he is not good looking or that his family is not up to his standard (here I should mention that the boy I love’s father does the same job that my father does...both of them are now retired).

I don’t know why he insults them like this, it is not just that:  he is forcing me to get married with the boy he wants and pressuring me to get married in his choice, but I’ve loved this person for 6 years and we want to get married as soon as possible.

The boy is in the same profession as my father and he doesn't look like a prince but he is quite a decent guy. I respect my parents, that’s why I’m waiting for their consent, but they are getting more critical by the day.

I’m 25 now and I think I should get married as soon as possible.

I want to know: is what my parents are doing right in Islam? And by that I mean their emotional blackmailing and pressurizing.

What should I do?

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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Your parents are wrong to try to blackmail you and pressure you into marrying someone you don't want. You do not have to accept the proposal of anyone unless you want to. I can't say that they will ever agree to the marriage with the guy you claim to love, but even if they don't it doesn't mean you must accept what they offer you if you don't want to.

    Have you tried talking to your parents to find out why they don't like the guy you care about? Is there a reason for their dislike, or are they simply trying to retain control of your life? If you feel it's the latter, I would respectfully remind them that Islamically you are free to choose whom you marry; and even if they bring you several men they prefer, you are still able to reject any and all of them if you don't feel inclined to them.

    There are also countless posts on this site about similar situations, feel free to peruse them to get additional views on this type of situation. Just know that you don't have to give in to the pressure by consenting to a marriage you don't want.

    -Amy Editor


  2. Salaam sister, their is no doubting the love your father has for you, and indeed your obedience towards him, but do not let him dictate the biggest chunk of your life, marriage is important and if their is no happyness then it is a strained and unhappy marriage full of problems, this happens many times yet parents like to be at the forefront and dont let their sons/daughters decide if they want to marry the person they chose but rather impose it upon them, using tools such as emotional blackmail and parental pressure. Your fathers critical view on the man of your choice seems more of a cultural/moral thing rather than a legitimate reason, and how can he possibly decide if hes good looking or not, that should and will always be your call, i have said many times what parents do now is walk around religion when it comes to marriage and try to justify everything once the papers are signed, do NOT let that happen, being a victim of a forced marriage is common but you can change this before its too late, bearing in mind if you do not give permission and your father marrys you by force, the nikah is invalid in all circumstance !

    My advice is to talk to your father, its not going to be easy but tell him if he values you as a daughter and your feelings, then he should allow you to marry of your choice, as long as he is considered worthy(by this i mean he is suitable for you islamically/can support you) and will make you happy. Your happyness is at stake, as much as your parents would be pleased with you marrying of their choice, your going to living with someone you dont like or are happy with for rest of your life, so talk with calmness and explain your thoughts and feelings, and if you lack confidence, ask your aunty or another elder who would be willing to support you as you talk with your father.

    Best of luck sister,
    I hope you resolve this situation inshaAllah.

  3. Ishtana,

    Long story short, your father can't force you to marry anyone. No matter what, stand your ground. As much as you love your parents, they are not the ones who will be living with this will. You have a right to be happy and be with the groom of your choice...period.

    I watched one of my husbands relatives marry off their daughter years ago. She did not want to marry the guy but no one would listen to her. Even during the engagement period he treated her like dirt. No one would listen to her pleas for the marriage not to take place. On the wedding day, I could have sworn I was at a funeral. She never smiled and it broke my heart to see this young girl being wed to a man she wanted nothing to do with. End result, marriage didn't make it to a year.

    Never, ever allow anyone other than yourself to make the choice of whom you will marry. It is your Islamic right, end of story.

    Salam and the best of luck!

  4. Thank u so much is almost six months i m still in that situation .now it is getting worst. It is not like my father has chosen someone n forcing me to get married .It is like whenever I will get married I , it will be his choice....If it takes more 5 years it doesn't any matter .My younger sister wants to get married. recently they saw a boy he thinks he is good. Now my father told my mom to take my consent in anyways.So when I said no n gave my clear decision she started crying like before n got faint . The main thing is I have to say yes.There is no reason to say no to that boys as they think. my father knows that my mom will react in same way n I can not see her like this n he uses the same weapon every time.I can not take it anymore. Sometimes I think of suicide because it is the only way to break the loop. The guy I want to marry he wants to talk to my parents . I let them know but he said it will not change anything. what should i do .why Allah doesn't help me.?

    • Salaam sister,

      Firstly a muslim is not allowed to lose hope in Allah's mercy.

      “Oh my sons! Go look for Yusuf and his brother. Do not give up hope. Have faith in the mercy of Allah. Surely, only the disbelievers lose hope in the mercy of Allah!” [S12 A87]

      The Prophet (SAW) asked the wali to accept the proposition of a person whose deen is satisfactory and has sound character.
      You cannot say that if the boy comes and talk to your father it will make no difference. This is the way that marriage proposals are done in Islam. He must do that.
      If his deen and religion is good then it will be a sin on your father if he rejects him.

      Just for you to be on the safe side stop the relationship that you have with this guy. You are not allowed to even talk to him.

      You said that your father is very protective, maybe he has his reasons.
      It will require for the person proposing to you to show him that he can take care of you. Your father cares for you. Please do not start a war with your father on this issue. This will only lead to both of you hurting yourselves.
      Talk to him softly, tell him your concerns and ask for his advice. You would be surprise how things will be easier.

      I hope that Allah makes things easy for you.


    • " why Allah doesn't help me.? " Do not say this !!! Never say it, sister... I do not want to be judgemental but from what I understand from your post is that, you "love" a boy for about the past 6 years yea ? This is where you went wrong. You waited 6 years "loving" that boy, but I'm quite sure he was your boyfriend in that 6 years and thats how you fell in love with him yea ? So it means you were basically hanging out with a non mahram which is haram in Islam and then you made me ask, Do you really think Allah (SWT) will HELP you ? and now there you are in a depressed emotional state where you dad is not letting you marry him.

      If your last 6 years's relationship wasn't a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and you just.. out of the blue .. fell in love with him then ignore what I just said. You really shouldn't have waited 6 long years but instead you should have told your dad about this potential partner or make him approach your dad then. Now it may seem too late.

      Remember If you end up not marrying that boy you " love " then Allah(SWT) has saved you from somthing worst as Allah (SWT) said “…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (2:216). So dont ever lose hope.

      Now i'm not advising you to accept everyword your dad says. So you should approach your dad and see whats his reason for not accepting your "loved" one. His reasons should be a valid Islamic reason to deny. But In my opinion, He seems to be a loving dad as you said. So i dont think he would choose a monster for you. He knows whats best. and certainly he can't force you to marry coz that marriage would be void.

      I would also advice you to stop your communication with that boy. If he comes over to speak to your dad then good. If your dad has valid reason to deny him then done. You have to listen to your dad and accept the fact that the inevietable has happened and go on with your life.

      If your dad chooses someone for you, dont keep a stubborn mind and say " I dont want to get married to your choice ". I mean, normally most parents wants their kid to get married to a person of their choice because they know what is best but they can go wrong somtimes. That is why I support " SEMI-ARRANGED MARRIAGE " where disscussion is held and both parties accepts it willingly without even a minute pressure.

      I insha'Allah pray that you will come to a better conclusion, with your relations with you dad intact and you being happy with your life. Suicide is never a way out of the loop but instead its a way into a bigger loop. If you do not know that suicide is forbidden in Islam then you can ask for proof.

  5. The worst part is we didn't maintain a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. we live far from each other. N the person I want to marry approached 4 years before to my parents through his father. We are trying for this so long. every time a boy say no to me (as my parents take me to meet them) , my mom starts doing the same fainting and crying situation. Sis I m from Bangladesh . Boyfriend girlfriend situation is very normal here ...but in my case we had always a long distance relationship . When we came to this relation then n then we decided to get married , All r agreed including my uncles n all only my father says no. I never crossed limit as today's b/f n g/f do. As my family was strict n I also choose to keep my dignity to that person. the main concern is he doesn't look good (my father thinks). and he(father) has certain prejudices against some areas that the people of this particular area is not good. These are the main reasons. I did everything possible but no change . I know I am talking too much but just wanted to clear few things.

    • I fully understand what you are trying to say. For instance in my area, The parents in the Sylhet district would never let there daughter marry non sylheti ( dhaka , chitagong etc) no matter how religious or rich or good human they are. Its a prejudice that other area people are not as good as sylheti people. It has unfortunately became a tradition and a requirement of marriage, to be of the same area in bangladesh. This mindset is difficult to change. Trust me, I think I got that lol.

      But sister, let me warn you about the boyfriend-girlfriend situation in Bangladesh, though it is normal, it has never worked. I saw many many cases with my own eyes of that in bangladesh where the girl finally ran away with the person she loved and now most of them is living on the streets meaning divorced and devastated. I'm yet to hear of a successful boyfriend-girlfriend relation, especially longdistance one that is successfull. I'm talking about my area to be specific. Its like a test, they always CHEAT. Your's is a "long distance relationship" and I just hope that boy is faithfull wherever he is.

      If your dad thinks that he "doesn't" look good, then I dont think its a proper reason, because basically you think he looks good and you are going to get married not him. You dad may fear what people would say, and this mindset i think is wrong. Why dont you involve more elders in your family like dada daddy nana nanny chacha chachi mama mammy etc What about your mom, does she supports your dad ? If its to no avail, then you have to ask an ulama to evaluate that boy and see what is his opinion ? If he is very pious and religious and your dad still doesn't accept then your wali would pass on to the next elder male relative of your family. You can then ask them.

      You said and i quote " he(father) has certain prejudices against some areas that the people of this particular area is not good."
      So if this is the MAIN reason, which i think it is and "not looking good" is just a lame reason/excuse, then i can sense that He would never allow you to marry that boy.

      Hanafi madhab is followed in Bangladesh, according to hanafi, it is permisible to marry without the consent of the parents. BUT you have to keep in mind the consequences following it. It is dangerous and Allah(SWT) will not be happy for us to disobey our parents. I follow Shafi'i madhab and according to Shafi'i, no marriage is valid without the persmission of WALI. The wali has to be present. As stated in various hadith that marriage without wali is void void void..Wali is the father or grandfather first.

      Continue respecting your dad. I still wouldn't advice you to haste towards your dreams because it may be covered by affection and deception but have patience, explore your dad's choices, when you get married, you dont want to see some member of your family dissapointed especially your DAD, you want everyone to be happy including yourself and do not feel pressured. pray salat al istikharra, focus on your deen, make lots and lots of du'a and Insha'Allah Allah(SWT) will help you in your life.

    • same here ! i am from bangladesh too but i was born and raised in New York. I have been knowing my boyfriend since childhood years. and he is also bengali. the problem is that we want to get married with each but none of our parents no family would accept and it really hurts. we hardly even see each other because i am in bangladesh for sometime now. how old are you by the way? and bengali parents can be really strict and all. i mean everyone in my family are very highly educated and stuff. so they want the best for me . but noone understands my happiness . i guess thats why bengali couples run off and get married

  6. Sister I am facing similar problem for last three years.... I am just praying to Allah for a solution... If Allah wills everything will be sorted out...

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