Arguments getting worse.
We have been married almost 12 years. I cannot even begin to state how much thick and thin we have been through because of his problems. He almost lost his job due to a false allegation of sexual molestation of a woman at work. But I had blind faith in him and held his hand through the courts, trials and police interviews because he is a gentleman.
Like a faithful puppy I run around to keep him pleased, and I do get plenty of love and appreciation in return. But that's just about it. Just verbal or physical appreciation. But God forbid, if I ever ask him for any help or favour he starts whining and shouting at me.
Yesterday was the limit. We had a few small jobs planned, and when I reminded him we need to get things done before the children's hometime he replied 'why should I do this for you?'. Even though I was suffering from a migraine, I had gotten myself ready. I reminded him that I just needed him to stop the car in front of a shop, as it was hard to find parking, I had something heavy to carry and we could pick the kids from school on our way back. He replied, 'I thought you were sick, so why dont you just shut up and stay home, I will just go get kids, why should I chauffer you around?' All I said was 'fine, I'll just stay home, but just remember, dont ever expect any favours from me' (I had parked for him so many times in the past whilst he went to get his stuff from the shop). He goes, 'well stop moaning and come sit in the car'. I said 'no, Ive had enough, I dont have the strength to listen to anymore of what you say and I will do my job when I can'.
All of a sudden he started hurling abuses to me, calling me a bi**h and a slut. I was shocked, as this was a first and got so angry. I hurled abuse back to him and said 'take that!' What did I do to deserve this treatment?
And we didn't speak for rest of the day.
My children started suffering. There was a bad air of negativity in the house, so I decided to go to him to make up. He said he wasn't interested. I told him the devil is making us behave this way and we can talk things out. He said 'you abused me', I said' you started it'. And our argument started getting worse, and my children started crying and trembling. They are big children but get traumatized by our loud voices.
My husbands behaviour has made me suicidal in the past. I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance once because of an overdose, and on another occassion I almost jumped into the river.
My husband wept and apologized.
But it is getting worse now. He keeps losing his temper very easily. My parents will never allow me to come back to them. I don't want to be classed as a failure, and I want this relationship to work. We have seen beautiful dreams together and have plans. But I've noticed that the more I listen to him, the more aggressive he gets. The only way to shut him up is by screaming, breaking things or threatening suicide. I have vowed never to take that route though because I know my kids will suffer, but things are bad enough for a divorce. I have no family in this country and no one to turn to.
We haven't spoken for 2 days. Everyday I see him off at the door for work, and he never leaves without a peck from me and that's how I greet him too. But there's been no communication for 2 days. Perhaps I should let him be.
-Salima
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Dear Salima
I can only explain from my perspective. If it does suit you please read otherwise be kind enough to ignore and forgive me.
Whatever you face in this life are due to your past deeds. There is no escape from it because we must all go through the reactions of our deeds. Suicide or death is certainly not an escape.
It is like a debt that must be paid. Your past karma has to be burnt by good deeds this time.
So please pray for strength. The benefit of these challenges is that it makes your faith strong.
You might be surprised by your own strength. The Almighty will guide and help you. He is very merciful and he knows your pain, he will be your
Please do not run from this battle, it will follow you. Stand and pray for strength so you can tolerate.
Do not encourage any more fights, avoid any type of fights. Sacrifice and tolerate is the motto. Soon you will be stronger and continue from there. Spend more time with your kids, dedicate yourself fully to them.
With your good behavior and strong nature (by Almighty mercy) he will also change. We must lead by example and not by words.
I pray that this is useful, and I will pray for you.
B
Salam Ben,
So your saying that any problems people encounter in life is punishment go their sins. So if someone bullies us, abuses us, hits us. We should just accept it us punishment for our sins and do nothing just continue to get abused?
This really doesn't make any sense. Then there is no reason for this site. There is no reason in people asking for help or advise? As they should just be patient and wait for that person to magically become good your whole life. If Allah could just change someone by someone else's prayers then there will be no thieves or murderers or hooligans on this earth as their victims will keep praying for them to change and one day they will change and stop murdering, stealing, raping etc. there will be no need for punishments.
This is earth there are a lot of good people and bad people walking the planet. If someone is bad you try to reason with them and try to make them change. If they are not willing to change you leave them alone, not stand around and wait to be abused forever.
Sumaira Salaams,
Not that you let them abuse you or hurt you - of course you need to protect yourself.
And yes it is due to past deeds and sins
The important point is to induce the change with your positive actions, tolerance, faith in the Almighty
The key thing is not to fight back and increase the problem. THe more you fight with the person the worse it will get and the children will suffer.
Instead of fighting, the point is to avoid fighting and protect yourself and your children. I am not even saying turn the other cheek but to protect yourself (e.g lock yourself in a room and not reply to argument or accusations which will make the fight worse)
Yes, this is difficult at first but the strength from such positive action and tolerance is very big benefit. Especially for the children who gain much of it too.
Hope that clarifies
Ben
Sumaira: If someone is bad you try to reason with them and try to make them change.
How many people have you changed by reasoning with them? Has any one changed you by reasoning with you? Just curious.
Assalaamualaikam
Sister Sumaira makes a valid point - by reasoning with someone, trying to help them to see where they are going wrong in their thinking or their action, it is possible for that person to change. From personal experience, I work with people on that basis almost every day, and yes, I've seen changes, I've seen people realise where there has been an error in their thinking or that their own actions have been making a situation worse.
We are all influenced by the company we keep and the lifestyles we surround ourselves with - this can be for good or for bad. So, by looking at our own actions and how we interact with a person, our presence and efforts may, inshaAllah, influence them in turn.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salam sister,
I understand your dilema. I was in an abusive marriage too. The problem is that we women are so loving and caring by nature. We do everything for out gal husbands without a thought. Men who are good will appreciate a good wife and his love will multiply for her and he will treat her like a queen. A man who is bad will take advantage of a good wife and treat her badly. There are some who are in between, which means they may be a good person but because they are being showered with too much affection, they become used to it and expect the wife to drop everything for them at anytime. They are used to recieving but not giving. So they will lash out when its their turn to return the kindness.
This goes for everyone whether husband or wife. Women can also take advantage of a husbands love and kindness.
Marriage is about give and take. It shouldn't be just one person giving their all and the other person just enjoying the attention. Husband and wife's are garments for one another. They both need to love and protect each other in every aspect of life. You are being a good wife to him and helping him in everything but he is not being a good husband as he will not help you when you require it. The utmost important thing in any relationship whether parents, siblings or marriage is love. If you love soneone you will never want to see then in any phisical or emotional pain. You will run to help them in anyway you can.
Your husband is not doing this. I can't see any love and kindness in his actions. He is abusing you by cursing you and refusing to help his own wife!! With abusers you have to stand up to them. If you keep being nice and soft that will give them the green light to continue even further with their behaviour!
You need to speak to him kindly but firmly that what he is doing is wrong. Preferably when the kids are not in sight. You will need to express that you will not terate this behavoiur. He should never use bad language with anyone. He had to love and respect you the same as you do for him.
He needs to attend anger management classes for his issues. Put your emotions aside and be firm. Tell him you will be considering a seperation if he doesn't take steps to sort himself out! If he cusses you or becomes angry, do not react just walk away. Sometimes silence can be a really good weapon. He will have to relize that he can't control you as you are not his slave but his wife. You are a women, who deserves love and respect.
If he is not talking now let him come to you, just continue as normal with your kids and chores, because you have not done anything wrong so he needs to come and apologise to you. If you have a mosque nearby take him to the imam so he can be told about how to conduct one another in marriage.
In any marriage you need to set boundaries of who will do what. You need to work together as a team to raise your family. And pray lots for your marriage to be a happy one.
Insha Allah your husband sees the errors of his ways and changes into a good muslim husband.
I