Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arrange Marriage issue

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I have got to know a girl through matrimonial site. She works in a reputed bank and she is very beautiful. marriage talk started to proceed. She belongs to lower caste and upper middle class, but my family agreed for the marriage with initial reluctance as I insisted.

we started to talk to each other late night. once she told me her past sexual life, as she said, she didn’t had boyfriend(s) but she has lost her virginity by unnatural things and she has used some external things(Dildos, Vibrators and other things) to satisfy herself on regular basis(she might have hide to tell me about her ex boyfriends also)...I was furious to know this and could not digest as I am a virgin guy and expected my wife to be the same. With already so many problems with the marriage there in my family, I shared this to my sister in law who is very close to me. her reaction about the marriage was straight NO. And she told me if I want to marry a girl or a woman. I called and told her, we couldn’t marry due to caste issue is there in my family. She said ok and things settled easily without any force from her side. but we are still connected on the phone. Now I have fallen in love with her and I want to marry her, but she is not convinced because of the caste issue and she didn’t want to go to the house where already caste issue is there too much. Now her family is also against marriage due to the caste issue. She also loves me. but not ready to marry me.

please  suggest what should I do. I can’t live without her. I can’t imagine my life without her at all…

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9 Responses »

  1. Looks like you love her and you are ready to marry her even though you did not like certain things about her. You shared that she loves you but does not want to marry you. This is a different reaction. You should try n explore what feelings she has for you n what future she wants with you, you may be able to get definite answers from her. Goodluck.

  2. First of all. No matter how close you are to your sil. You had no right to tell her about the girl and her situation. How can you expose ones sin like that. And if the girl was truthful, she would have not lied to you. So if she says that she had used external things on herself then you should believe her.

    If you want to marry her, I suggest you come clean about your lie on the caste. Its obviously bothering her. tell her the truth that you were bothered about her not being a virgin.

    It's not good to start a marriage based on lies. If you come clean, and she accepts you. Then you can be assured that this marriage will be on a good and honest start.

  3. Oh boy...

    1) Are you and your family Hindu or Muslim? Because if you are Muslim, I think you should know that in Islam there is no such thing as "caste". In the eyes of Allah, you are not better or worse than this woman because of who your family is, or what your name is, or what your ethnicity is.

    2) What kind of man shares his partner's private business with his family? You had absolutely no right to expose this girl to your sister-in-law, sister, mother or anyone else! You do NOT involve other people in her's or your own private affairs! There are certain topics you just don't discuss with your family...just eew. Have some decency, man.

    3) You need a lot of maturing to do before you think about marriage. To me, you don't sound ready for it at all, so please leave this girl alone. Do her and yourself a favor and cut contact with her. Thanks to you, you have embarrassed her and ruined her reputation in your family, because you have blabbed to your sister-in-law about this girl's private habits. And who knows who your sister-in-law has blabbed to...

    • It's not that he's not ready , it's because he's a mummies not and isn't used to making decisions this big . Sister we should be encouraging marriages not the opposite . I could see this man changing after marriage . Hopefully he would develop into a man and come out of his shelf .

      However , the issue we should be addressing is the girl who he is about to marry . Losing her virginity to a vibrator ? This sounds so fishy . He might end up marrying a girl with issues.

    • brother or sister. u are absolutely right...
      i am a muslim guy..i would probably regret this for whole of my life for the mistake of disclosing this to my SIL. as i was not 100% sure about her at that time, but things suddenly changed after this chaos.
      I literally cried many days after that. but my all the doors was closed from both sides. she and her family is not ready for marriage due to caste, but in my family some other scene is there.
      i have spoiled my life and her also.
      i am pathetic!!!

  4. What kind of close relation you are referring to when you said that you have disclosed all the things what that Girl told you to your sister in law ?

    I mean heights of your decency man. Rather than talking about that girl who confided in you and told you things HONESTLY.. i prefer talking about the so called close relation that you share with your sister in law.. Just wondering how could you be so open to her.

    Grow up man Grow up.. That girl has done the right thing of not accepting you anymore.. Be it the so called fake caste issue or anything...

    Only 1 thing now can be fruitful for you.. Marry the one who your sister in law asks you too.

    Good Luck


  5. OP: I shared this to my sister in law who is very close to me. her reaction about the marriage was straight NO. I I called and told her, we couldn’t marry due to caste issue is there in my family. She said ok.,...... but we are still connected on the phone. Now I have fallen in love with her and I want to marry her

    Does your brother know you are very close to his wife? Have you told your sister in law who is very close to you about being fallen in love with low caste girl. Are you willing to marry a girl who has used some external things(Dildos, Vibrators and other things) to satisfy herself?

  6. Firstly,

    You shouldn't be talking to a non mehram about sexual things or even talk to her at all in private. This leads to evil talks no matter how pious you think you are. Infact, you shouldn't even see a non mehram in private without a wali in between as you think you are alone but Shaitaan is between the two. And Allah forbade following the footsteps of the Shaitan and following the whims and desires and clearly according to the Quran and sunnah the punnishment is severe when one forgets Allah and blindly follows the shaitan as he makes the evil fair seeming and beautiful all of this can lead to indecency and ruining of the Imaan and the wrath of Allah. May Allah protect all muslims from evil and fitnah, Aameen. Trust in Allah with all your affairs.


    Why did you tell your sister in law about your "Situation"? Have decency and don't talk to her about stuff like that. Thats immature and disgusting and you shouldnt be talking about anything foul and idle like that even to your brothers. May Allah guide you. Please, repent and turn back to Allah and trust in him and stay away from Idle talks, zina, intoxication and the like. Nothing you want which is haraam is what you actually want. You think you want your "Girlfried" but you don't. Nauthubillah, because we are muslims and we KNOW we are doing wrong we get double the punishment in this world and the Akhira.

    May Allah guide everyone, May we all look for knowledge of the deen and strive for the hearafter, Ameen.

  7. Im sure if your borther knew you told his wife something this vile, he'd be really mad at you. If not then your whole family's mentality is wrong. Have decency. We are Muslims. Muslims should be decent and respectful and stay away from all evil and idle talks of all sorts that lead to the Anger of Allah (Subhanahuwata'aalah).

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