Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arranged Marriage – Emotional Pressure

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Asalamalaikum everyone I am male living  in Canada.  I completed my studies and got a job.  Now my parents wants me to get married.  They asked my uncle back in Pakistan to look for a girl.  My aunt and uncle sent my parents a picture of a girl and sent my picture to the girls family.  I was not taken into confidence before my uncle took the proposal to the girls place.

I specifically asked my aunt if she hadn't confined anything and she said nothing is confirmed yet after two days my parents and my uncle congratulating me of getting engaged.  I was emotionally blackmailed and I agreed but then I realized that I will not happy with this relationship.  I have never talked to the girl not over Skype or phone.  We just have seen the pictures of each other.  Not more than that.  Now my parents are forcing me to get married.  I have respected them all my life but I am trying to convince them that I will not be happy.  My parents are claiming that their reputation will be on stake if they refuse the girl now.

I am now really depressed.  I looked around and found that it is my religious right to accept a proposal or not.  But my parents keep pushing me and telling me that I am doing sin by saying no to this relationship.  They are more concern about their reputation then my life.  Everyday iam being emotionally blackmailed by my parents.  What should I do.

Now even I started to feel guilty that I will be doing a sin by refusing to marry this girl.  Is it really a sin? My family keeps saying that it will break the girl's family heart and it will come back to haunt me in my future.  I am really feeling bad now and worried that refusal to this marriage could bring unhappiness towards myself and my family.  All of this happens in a short period of time within 3 weeks..  It's not that i kept the girl waiting for months.  .  It's not like that the girl  I would appreciate few suggestions.  Jazak Allah

AliT

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8 Responses »

  1. I will advice if you pray isthikarah and if the result is positive then go on with it, and if otherwise you can tell your parents about the isthikarah which turns out negative. And you can explain to them in a beautiful way like; mum, dad i'm scared if i marry her i might not treat her well/oppress her which will cause the anger of Allah upon me and i dont want that to happen and i also dont want to hurt her, oppress her after the marriage will you please mum and dad help me from falling into it? Into the wrath of Allah (s.a.w) and if they insist make alot of dua to Allah for your parents to understand you. And remember "It is possible you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you, Allah knows best, and you know not". Quran(2:216). Best if you pray isthikarah (Allah's Guidiance)before taking a decision. May Allah (s.w.a)easy it on you. Amin

  2. Salam Brother,

    This is your life. Do not allow yourself to be blackmailed/pushed into anything, especially marriage to a woman you know absolutely nothing about. Your uncle gave his consent however, it was not your consent. He had absolutely no right to go ahead on his own. If you are old enough to take a wife, you are old enough to make your own decisions.

    If you are financially able, book a flight to Pakistan and meet this girl. You might have an instant attraction to her and then again, you may have no attraction to her at all. Rather than go forward blindly, allow yourself to meet her and talk with her. That is best for both of you, no matter what anyone else thinks. Also keep in mind, this girl is probably just as scared as you are. She doesn't know you or anything about you so her fears, are your fears as well.

    Salam

  3. Ws. Please do not allow yourself to be forced into this marriage. It is a matter of a lifetime. Tell your parents you would like to talk to the girl or better still go to your homeland and meet her and the family before finally deciding anything. If you can't go, talk to her on Skype. Engage your respective families to interact as well. Also make it clear to the girl's family at the outset when you get to talk to them that you have not yet taken your final decision. Don't keep them guessing about the turmoil in your mind. That girl is very much a human deserving happiness just like you. And her family wants that for her. Be a man and don't get pressurized. Your parents want the best for you and they will come around if you are respectfully persistent and show them that you are responsibly considering their choice. Plus allowing the fanilies to interact might make many things obvious to them as well. Engaging you without your consent is as much deception for her as you.
    Three weeks is quite a short time. Information about her being engaged is probably restricted to close family and friends. And once you share your frame of mind, her family will become cautious. Calling the engagement off sooner than later will cause less heartbreak. It will be better than a lifetime of misery.
    Please don't play with a girl's life and emotions if you aren't sure of yourself. Don't spoil decades and decades of her life and ambitions just because the decision is a few weeks old by now.

  4. Salam AliT bruv,

    Hope you are doing well 🙂

    Regarding your situation, my advice is that pleaseeee don't go ahead any further. Pls become firm and break this whole thing and there is no reason for you to feel guilty at all. And seeing each other's picture is not enough. Pictures are deceiving. It only gives about 30%-49% true image of the person minus personality(imo). And also this girl from my workplace she told her friend's story to me that her friend said yes to a marriage proposal by just seeing portrait picture of the guy and they spoke over the phone too, and eventually she brought the guy into UK. At the airport she found that the guy was disabled from legs! She did not know and it was shock to her system that he and families lied to her. Of course she broke the engagement on the spot. I am not saying this will happen to you nor I am saying this happens often but I do think you should see your potential partner at least once in person and you should exchange conversation too (via email and phone) to see if your compatible and that your personalities click.

    This girl's and your life will be ruined if either one of you is not happy in the marriage and often after marriage people becomes a lot more confident to even demand for divorce when over petty things - something allowed but not encouraged in Islam. Therefore, it's best not to go ahead with this now. Protect her reputation now by saying no to this engagement!

    Best wishes,
    Me.

  5. You are old enough ...to say no Islam doesn't teach this...I can see her but I have the final decision...You must speak out..Learn Deen correctly so you can speak up the rules and regulations..Spend time in tabligh ...Remember Allah is the final goal
    .

  6. Walaykum Asalam Brother,

    I am going to put some of your post in quotations and give you my response. If you don't have time, though, my simple advice is: you have an absolute right to refuse this arrangement, as "Me" states. Even if the only way you can see to say no is to feel guilty about it, I would go with that option, as the guilt feeling will go away with time and understanding of your rights. So here goes:

    "We just have seen pictures of each other"

    I would almost want to say it's better to not have seen and known anything at all than to be basing it off of a picture alone (I know that sounds unrealistic and not humanly possible in this day and age, but basing it on JUST pictures seems very superficial) Some may even be ok with this, but if it's not ok with you, don't go for it. I know, however, that your difficulty lies more in the parental pressure than not liking a picture.

    "I specifically asked my aunt if she hadn't confined anything and she said nothing is confirmed yet after two days my parents and my uncle congratulating me of getting engaged."

    Being engaged sounds pretty confirmed to me. I would not be ok with the sneaky fashion in which it was "done" ...although you realize nothing is done without your consent.

    "My parents are claiming that their reputation will be at stake if they refuse the girl now."

    Aside from this not being the reason one should make such significant a decision as marriage, it is not your fault that their reputation will be at stake for a decision they made on their own.

    "I am now really depressed"

    That tells you something. Don't ignore the feeling.

    "Everyday I am being emotionally blackmailed by my parents."

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Your best armor will be knowledge of your rights and your certainty that you...YOU...exactly as you are, with all your needs and preferences, are deserving of being on this earth due to Allah's having created you.

    "Now even I started to feel guilty that I will be doing a sin by refusing to marry this girl....it will break the girl's family heart..."

    You can pray for the girl to find her perfect match if she would like to get married right now, and for Allah to bring peace to her family.

    "My family keeps saying that...it will come back to haunt me in the future...I am really feeling bad now and worried that refusal to this marriage could bring unhappiness towards myself and my family."

    No human being can know what will happen in the future, as that is knowledge that resides only with Allah. Allah can even change Qadr if He pleases. Some people may say psychic and prophetic things based on their own experience, but it's best you take what makes sense to you and chalk the rest up to just that...their experience. Now...How do YOU feel? If the best way you can describe how you feel is "confused," you could do Salat al-Istikhara for clarity (see tab above on this website for more information). Whatever ends up naturally happening is the result of the prayer/dua.

    Best of happiness to you brother and may Allah ease your path.

  7. Salam Brother,

    Sorry... I think it was Raul who roughly made the comment that it is your given right to refuse or to a final decision. "Me" implied so much as well.

    Nor

  8. you live in westernized atmosphere dont you
    to feel estranged and have thoughts of independance arise from this culture
    and you dont bring Allah in between your thoughts or culture or your life

    you people will never understand what shame is how important task is it for religion and life here and here after
    you aske people who also are effected with this aura of western culture

    you should understand why people before had arranged marriage
    it had haya in every means

    the girl who is muslim
    she fears Allah and keeps her chastisity
    and if you beleived in islam you would had thought oh i should also feel ashamed in front of non mehram girl
    believing in Allah as he said in Quran i only make paternal and maternal relations in islam
    which points out Allah makes the pair

    well why will you need Quran when you have bunch of poeple with world in there hearts to advice you
    isnt it
    you have friends work and your activities which you like of this world in your heart

    you should say as per islam please first of all ask the bride to be and groom to be there suggestions
    what you like and what she likes

    everything can be done with simple Q and A

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