Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I cannot get past my wife’s zina in the past, even though I did zina too.

guilt sins forgive

Don't let shaytan keep whispering the past to you when you know Allah promises to forgive his sincere repentant slave

Asalamalikum Brother/Sister,

Firstly I testify that there is nothing (no idol, no grave, no person [living or dead], animal, monument) worthy of Worship but Allah and Muhammad(sws) is his messenger(last).

I know this issue has been written about before but I really need specific advice about moving on with my life. I got married on the 24th of Feb(arranged marriage) to a girl from a different city. We were engaged for about two months before we were married. Before a year I decided to get married, I was in a relationship(haraam) with a muslim girl and have committed the grave sin of zinaa with her and somewhere promised to marry her.

As the relationship went on I stopped caring and loving her and did cheat on her twice. From March 2011, I completely cut off from her and started repenting to Allah and begged for his forgiveness and prayed in every namaz that she finds a pious man who would love her and keep her happy. After sometime when my wedding was fixed, I somewhere knew that Allah would find me a similar girl that would have probably done similiar acts because I know Allah has mentioned that "the fornicator is for the fornicatress and vice versa".

I did not ask her anything and we got married. After we got married, I wanted to tell her that we will not bring up the past between us, but somehow it did come up and along with all the details. The details hurt me so much and although I knew this was Allah's justice or punishment for me, I could not handle it because she had done it more than I have and even without protection (somewhere I was comparing my past to hers). She has done zinaa with her ex for over 7 years and could not cut him off even when we were engaged(she cheated on me like I did with the earlier girl).

Somewhere I believe that this was what Allah wanted for me and I cried and cried in my namaz and prayed for forgiveness for what I had done to the earlier girl.  My wife now has sincerely repented too and reads all her namaz and cries and repents (but she did not repent before the wedding). My questions are:-

 1. I had repented before I got married and really turned to Allah, if she did not(she didn't), is our marriage even halal?(we did consummate the marriage)

2. I have forgiven her, but I really find it hard to deal with it in my head, considering I have done the same with a Muslim sister. How do I get peace? (I have been praying and reciting duas, and always remember Allah always, sitting, standing, sleeping, at work).

3. Our immediate families are very disappointed with us, and are willing to abide by our decision if we want to divorce.

4. I am unable to give her the physical pleasure (i know in ISLAM a husband must give all the wife's rights) and this is unfair for her.

5. I am Allah's slave and have submitted my life to him and don't know where I should go from here (I continue my repentance and will never stop till Allah takes my soul).

I am only writing this so that my Brother's Blessed with the deepest of Islamic Knowledge by Allah(SWT) can show us a way to move ahead.


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40 Responses »

  1. Walaykumsalaam Brother,

    What you are going through now is a result of revealing your sin - which Allah and His Messenger(sws) warned against. Rasul(sws) said: "Avoid these filthy things that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever has done any of them, let him conceal himself with the concealment of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted." Narrated by al-Bayhaqi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 663.

    I do not the answer to your first question, although I doubt any Imam will say your marriage is invalid because of this. In any case, please consult regarding this with a qualified Imam to put your mind at ease.


    With regards to your issue of not being able to deal with your wife's past, I believe this is shaytan whispering to you. His aim is to break marriages and you are both an easy target since you have made yourselves vulnerable by revealing your sins to one another. Please do tawbah for this and encourage your wife to do the same aswell. Furthermore, look at the person your wife has become now, as you said she has cried and felt immense regret and guilt for her past. It has brought her closer to Allah and insha'Allah she is loved by Him(swt) for her repentance. Do not spoil your marriage over something that happened in the past. Make dua, pray your salaah on time, read your morning and evening duas and dua before intercourse and beg Allah to protect your marriage from Shaytan. Insha'Allah, you will begin to find peace.

    SisterZ Editor

    • The reason why i am asking is that i think that a one to one conversation With someone knowlegeable will do a lot of good to the brother he is obviously looking for some moral support but obviously wants to stay anonymous, and he has nowhere to turn but the web which is great help but maybe something like talking to a scholar who doesn t know him might be better in such a situation

      If he agrees to it and it is not against your policy

  2. Salamu'alaika brother,

    Alhamdulillah, you seem to have some knowledge about what Islam says about what you have done.
    Your first question was about her repentance. If she accepted your Nikaah without her consent or without conviction, there could be trouble. Hence, as the sister suggested above, refer this to a Qaadhi.

    2. Your feeling is because you imposed the punishment on yourself. First of all, you thought you deserve a Zaaniyah because you were a Zaani. Allah gave you what you expected from Him. Allah Izz wa Jall Is with His slaves, as they expect Him to be, according to a Saheeh hadith. You expected this, while you know that Allah is full of Mercy and Grace, and is the Of Forgiving. Secondly, you reveled your sin and asked the wife to reveal it, too, which created the problem. You said your wife had repented from what she had done. So, take this out of the mind, because you have sinned, too. Sin is a sin, whether in small amount or big. And once a person repents, Allah is the Oft Forgiving, Who forgives, and insha Allah, both of you would be at the same level. So, chill, you are as guilty as she is. The fact that she has done it for 7 years makes no difference as she has done tawbah. And given a chance, you would have done for a similar amount of period, too.

    3. Are your families aware of the Zina? Where have you taken it? What have you done? Revealing a sin is in itself a sin. Allah conceals the sins of a person, but a sinners revel them to people. That is pathetic.

    4. You chose your destiny. You can not leave her like that. Give her all the rights. If you think she is not pure, then know that even you are not pure. She has sinned, and even you have. You expected from Allah that you'll get a Zaaniyah as a wife, and he gave you one. The Aayah you mentioned is for those who persist in Zina (as far as I can understand). But if I am not wrong, you had repented.

    5. Nowhere. Just accept the relity, take care of yot wife. Thank Allah for everything, keep doing tawbah until you both die, so extra prayers (nawaafil) including the Tahajjud, Ishraaq/Duhaa, Witr, and so on along with the obligatory prayers and the optional ones (Sunan). This is your next step. And keep going with the dhikr you were doing.

    May Allah keep you both happy
    Muhammad Waseem

    • Muhammad,

      Thank you for making that point, that Allah is with us as we expect Him(swt) to be.

      It is very deep.

      SisterZ Editor

    • Assalam oalykum ,May Allah azzawajal protect us the muslim and muslimah from this grievous sin ameen and stop us from getting even near to it as allah has said many times in quran do not even get near to fawahish.But many forsake it .

      First and foremost the word REPENTANCE HAS BEEN MISINTERPRETED according to our ease .Well when you have decided not to ask her past before marriage then why have you asked her after marriage?! I would append on a contrary note with respect to brother waseem that The ayah is not about persisting the action or not it clearly states that وَالزَّانِيَةُ لاَ يَنكِحُهَآ إِلاَّ زَانٍ

      (and the Zaniyah, none marries her except a Zani) a sinful man who is guilty of fornication,

      أَوْ مُشْرِكَةً(and mushirk who does not think its unlawful)

      ps: i am sorry for sounding harsh but realise your actions also . The hadh of zinah is getting flogged 100times and banishment as well as repentence(but we think only repentence is suffice ,it is indeed when there is no shariah compliant country we abode ,but the islamic ruling is not just repentence as allah swt knows that unless the body is not punished the soul is also not realised. ELSE THERE WOULD BE NO CUTTING OF HANDS FOR STEALING . AS THE burgler would easily said that i have repented sincerely . that is why who give wrong shahdah (testimony ) in court also is not accepted second time for testimony .(correct me i am wrong to my understanding )

      I broach this issue that as my brother waseem said that you expect that allah would punish you and there you get it .You didnt inquire from her as u were affirmed that she WAS a sinner like you .And she was a zani as you .You got your punishment without getting flogged .SO NOW JUST CHILL .
      I will narrate you a hadeeth this WILL OPEN UP MIND OF MANY HERE

      Abdullah bin `Amr, may Allah be pleased with him, said that a man among the believers asked the Messenger of Allah for permission (to marry) a woman known as Umm Mahzul, who used to commit adultery, and who had stated the condition that she should spend on him. So he asked the Messenger of Allah for permission, or he mentioned the matter to him. The Messenger of Allah recited to him:the verses of surah nur which the brother has mentioned earlier as his punishment

      Ibn Abi Hatim recorded that Abu Hurayrah said,

      «لَا يَنْكِحُ الزَّانِي الْمَجْلُودُ إِلَّا مِثْلَهُ»

      (A Zani who has been flogged should not marry anyone except someone who is like him.) A similar report was recorded by Abu Dawud in his Sunan.

      What i am trying to say that YOU ARE LIVING UR PUNISHMENT so forget everything LIVE IN HARMONY WITH YOUR WIFE and its a rahmah on you from allah swt (that he saved you FROM BEING FLOGGED) even after being flogged this was the condition for a zanih why?so that people should abstain from this grievous sin which is common back in west!

      In regards to concealing , husband and wife has the right to ask about the past so this hadeeth is not applicable to them? because while inquiring about someone for a prospect of marriage you could ask about grooms habit family vice versa for bride also this will not be counted as backbit. etcc!

      I apologize again for hurting and i beleive that more or less i have canvassed the issue .And i would ask you to migrate to an islamic country if you dont abode in one or if you feel that you are unable to do comply with islam with the environment surrounding you .

      Jazakumullahu khairan

  3. Dear brother Waseem,

    Thank you for replying.I have not disclosed this to anyone but we are trying to deal with this on our own.I think my mom and her mom know but are very supportive and have left the descion to us.

    I am ok sometimes,but like sisterz says,the attacks of shytaan are so strong sometimes I immediately start reciting Allah(swt) name continously.I finf myself sometimes rejecting her and I know this is not the right thing to do ,but feel helpless.I want to give her and myself a fully happy married life,but sometimes when I approach her to be intimate,My mind(shytaan) becomes my enemy.I've been trying to have sleeping tablets just to rest my mind and have always been reading my namaz and listeining to Quranic verses and cry when I know what Allah had created us for and how we transgressed his boundaries.

    Please help me to try and change these negative emotions into energy in the praise of Allah(swt) and grant me some sakina in my heart and mind.

    She is a good human being,I am too and I feel very depressed at times that am not able to give her the happiness she deserves.She has changed,wears the hijab(scarf now,full maybe when we go buy one) ,reads namaz,cooks,and tells me that she really loves me.I do too but again the shytaan stops me from moving forward,I take two steps ahead and he pushed me three steps behind.

    May Allah(swt) protect all the brothers and sisters from comitting this grave sin and guide them.Ameen sum Ameen

    • My brother,

      For that, convince yourself to be satisfied with what Allah has Decreed. Sakeenah can be attained insha Allah, when you start getting the knowledge of Allah.

      Allah has given you something, and you have accepted it (as you say you are alright sometimes) so continue this at all times. When you start feeling wrong, seek refuge in Allah Subhaanah, from Shaitaan ar Rajeem and his evil plots.

      We are all Humans and our faith increases and decreases over time. We need to rivive it from time to time. For now, to attain Sakeenah, you need to read and listen to the scholars, about Allah, His Names, His Sifaat and so on. If you know Urdu, I have just the thing you will need at the moment:

      It is one of the best materials available, and Alhamdulillah, I'm benefiting a lot from this.

      Do not let the Shaitaan defeat you. You push him instead, and move forward.
      May Allah fill our hearts with peace and tranquility
      Muhammad Waseem

    • When a person sincerely repents, it is as though they have been wiped from the sin. Clean slate with regards to those sins. It is like both you and her never committed those things. In fact, Allah swt turns the sin a person repents from into good deeds.

      So remind yourself of this when shaitan tries to drive a wedge between you. Be aware that Allahs mercy exceeds all sins, and it is wrong to despair over a sin or let a previous sin prevent you from moving forward. Ask Allah swt to help you move on, and make an effort to be close to your wife. She married you, you married her. And you have accepted each other as you are - you love on another for who you are - not for who they were or what they did. So stop seeing yourself or her as zaania - once you repent you are no longer zaania but are both mu'mins.

      Recite ayatul kursi at night and tasbih in the day. Work hard to concentrate in your salat and there is a dua to say before intimacy so make sure you do say it.

      Sara Editor

    • Assalamou alaikum i wanted to ask how this story ended?

  4. Salaams brother,

    I just want to say to you is that you are causing much of the pain to yourself and your marriage. Past is the past ulhumdallah you both have changed and i believe your guilt is of your own wrong doing. You have to deal with it you both made mistakes and learn from it. To be honest if my husband to be was with a girl before me it would not bother me or i wouldn't even question it i be even lucky o get married even if he treated me right ulhumduiallah. Why life has to move on, you have to forgive and forget what does the quran teaches us. Don't you think whats happening to the world is worse then issues not worth worrying about we all going to die its not worth making you depress. You seem to hold this against her that is the problem and that's why it is messing with your head. Let it out and go and enjoy your life i hope it works out for you and her inshallah

    Sometimes when reality hits you it shows we were in the wrong. Build on living your wife she is a good wife abd every person

  5. And also build on treating her right don't make her pay for your actions every person has to ask allah for forgiveness and to rebuild their life in the correct path.

  6. Dear brother and sistersn

    I thank Allah(swt) first and then all of you for taking the time to actually write to me,it does make me feel better.

    I have surrendered my life to Allah(swt) now and pray and pray and pray till am peaceful.I know shaytaan is waiting to attack me when am at my most vunerable moment and fill my mind with sisgust for her,and I try and fight really hard.I know its something I have to live with,because Allah(swt) has decreed it for me and I should accept it.I believe that everything is to and from Allah(swt) and not even a leaf can wither in the wind without his will.

    My faith is strong,but somewhere since Allah(swt) has made us weak with our emotions I feel hurt and weak at times.Brother waseem unfortunately I don't have the ability yet to read urdu,if you could send me something in english,Allah will bless you with the best in both worlds.

    Thank you and please write to me more and share your knowledge so that I when I die,I might be able to achieve atleast a drop of his mercy to wash away my sins and hers,I pray that Allah(swt) forgives her too,but the battle with shytaan is a hard one to fight,and only if I had heeded to Allah(swt) and the word through his messengers.

    Thank you

  7. Dear brother waseem and sisters,

    If I realise that I love her so much and I can't keep her happy,would it be ok if I tell her that she needs to be with someone else who can make her happier?

    What if I am unable to give her the rights that a wife deserves? Would Allah(swt) think that am weak or selfish?

    I really want her to be happy,even if its without me if I am unable to recover from my state.

    Please advise.

    • what happened suddenly, brother?

      How did this come to you? You need to know that Divorce is the only Halaal thing which Allah does not like. It should be applied, where it is extremely necessary.

      If you are firm on this, talk to her. Ask her if she is satisfied with you as her husband. And try as hard as you can, to reconcile. But if both of you think it will be better to seperate, then you may do so, as we have the instance of one of the Sahabiyyaat marry Zaid bin al Haarith (Radiyallahu 'anhu) just because Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi wasallam recommended but later they were divorced due to incompatibility between themselves.

      Do Istikhaarah and seek Allah's counsel before you take any step.
      May Allah give peace to both of you
      Muhammad Waseem

    • Brother,

      If you are unable to overcome this issue now and you break your marriage, will you ever be able to marry another woman without wondering if she has also ever been in a relationship before? Will you ever be able to get over the guilt of leaving your wife whom you love and loves you very much for no real reason? I doubt it very much. The cycle will continue and you will keep running away from the issue and continue breaking relationships because you will not find peace. And the more you run, the more the issue will stay firmly planted in your mind, because 'you' are the issue brother.

      So NO, I do not think it is at all right for you to break this marriage. Do not allow shaitan to overcome you. By dwelling on your and wife's past, you are despairing and thereby you are rejecting the Mercy of Allah. Allah promises that He(swt) will forgive us if we repent, you know that.

      Brother have a read of the following and let me know what you think insha'Allah:

      - Ponder over my words above. Remind yourself that you so desperately want to overcome shaitaan and that since you do love your wife alot, 'IDEALLY' you want these horrid thoughts to leave your mind so you can get on with your marriage. So set this IDEAL as your GOAL. Right now, it seems something impossible or too difficult for you to achieve, right? But it can be achieved with some help insha'Allah. So repeat your GOAL to yourself: 'Ideally I want to keep my marriage going with my wife. I don't quite know how to achieve this just yet, but I will stay in this even if the going gets tough and I will find a way to go forward with my wife.'

      - Having set this goal firmly in your mind, speak to your wife and tell her what you want, but that you do not know how to achieve that. Reassure yourself and your wife that no matter how tough it gets, you are not going to walk out - and in doing so, tell the same to shaitaan. Beat him. I am more than sure that your wife will be open to supporting you in any way she can.

      - So now both you and your wife need to work consciously as a team to overcome the 'issue', so do as much ibaadah as possible including the night prayer. Furthermore, don't pressure yourselves in to thinking that you have to have physical relations while you are feeling this way. Mutually agree that for now you will just court each other and learn how to have fun again. Do the things you both enjoy together, go out, watch a fun movie, go bowling, go to a theme park, go for long walks - or whatever it is you enjoy. I am very sure that your wife will support you in this and will be more than happy that no matter what, you are being open and honest and working in sync with each other.

      - And at the same time, see a marriage counsellor. I believe this is very important.

      What do you think? Does this sound like something you could try?

      SisterZ Editor

      • Exactly as sisterZ said. And even if you divorce her, then will she stay happy with another man? She has done a sin and that'll stay in her mind. You are not the cause of her unhappiness. You just need to get rid of the Shaitaan and deal with her, as a Muslim husband should

  8. Brother waseem,

    She is ready and is wanting to make this work.My fear is that if I am unable to get myself out of this ,it will not be fair to her to be with someone who is the reason for her unhapiness.

    Please advice if this continues,what is the next step?

    Thank you

    • But you havent tried yet brother. You have decided that outcome before even having tried.

      Do what you have to save your marriage and then have trust that Allah will give you the best outcome. If you never try and give up on this marriage due to your 'fears', you will regret it forever.

      "Allah is sufficient for me. There is none worthy of worship, but Him. I have placed my trust in Him and He is the Lord of the Majestic Throne."

      Regarding the above dua: Abu Addarda(ra) said: “Whoever recited this dua 7 times in the morning and in the evening, Allah will suffice him anything that concerns him.” [It was collected by Ibn Assuni, Abu Dawood. The hadith of Abu Dawood is Mawqoof. Ibn Baaz, Shu’aib and AbdelKader Arnaout classified its isnaad as saheeh]. NB: Hadith Mawqoof: Statement made by a Sahaabi. Hadith Marfou: Statement made by Rasool(sws). Mawqoof is as authentic as Marfou as a Sahaabi would only make such a statement if he heard if from Rasul(sws)

      Ibn Abbas(ra) said: “The dua (as above) was the last word of Ibrahim(as) after he was thrown in the fire, and it was recited by Muhammed(sws) when people told them (the hypocrites) “Verily the people are gathering against you, so fear them”. [Bukhari]

      SisterZ Editor

  9. Sisterz,

    May Allah(swt) bless you for being so supportive.Yes I keep saying this to myself and sometimes really feel that if I don't make this work,I will always be searching for a debt to be repayed to me that no one really owes me.I really want bygones to be bygones and pray that when I am being judged by Allah(swt),I can have atleast a little confidence of standing in front of him with a little bit of faith,if Allah(swt) wills.

    I just want her to feel that I am weak and let her feel let down.Somwhere I know shytaan has had pleasure in making us do what we did,but I feel sad and hurt knowing that she and I,were both so careless and did not pay heed to Allahs warning.

    I want to give my wife what she deserves from the marriage,and I just want advice that in case I go into severe depression ,shouldn't be deserve to be with someone who can love her more than me?

    I don't know why these thoughts bother me,because I know we both are accountable by Allah(swt) for our own actions,and I still pray that she is forgiven and we both atleast get some small corner in Jannah(by Allahs mercy).

    I am trying to be stronger than I have ever been,but somehow I feel,my strength is dying on me.

    Sisterz,please pray for me in your dua sincerly and for my strength

    • Then brother, tell your wife what you are telling us here. Let her be the one to decide if she is strong enough to help you through this struggle. When you marry someone, are you not supposed to be there for each other through all the struggles and hardships? Or are you meant to bottle out and run away from each other when things get tough?

      If your wife fell into depression for whatever reason (Allah forbid), would you leave her and run? Hopefully you would stick by her and help her through. And difficult as though you are finding it to believe brother, your wife 'does' want you enough to support you all the way through. Obviously she believes you are worth fighting for. Look at what you do have brother, keep reminding yourself of this.

      Please read through this article, there are a few parts to it, but insha'Allah it will help you to focus by doing dhikr each morning and evening:

      I am praying for you and your wife Alhumdulillah.

      SisterZ Editor

  10. Asalaam alaikum,

    The first question relies on intention. Since in marrying each other you have taken each other out of sin, this is a good thing and you are acting as guardians over each other.

    The reality of the heart however, bears the biggest problem as to whether she was having intimate relations with her ex directly prior to your marriage or if she was just talking to him. If it's the latter, this problem can be overcome, but if it's the former then the level of her repentance and your acceptance of such will be the determining factor if you two will be willing to stay married. Since this dynamic is open to circumstances it also does depend on whether she has completely cut off communications with all non-maharms, as well.

    As to the second, this involves a great deal of humility in conjunction with what Br. Muhammad has outlined above regarding your expectations of marriage. What happened is that you limited the possibilities of Allah (swt) and thought small of Him, so your misconception of His Divine Mercy needs to be worked out in yourself and in your marriage. Once again, in doubting your marriage bond with previous episodes, you are attempting to limit the influence of Allah (swt) and His Kindness and Forgiveness. Your prerogative is then to learn that your ego is ruling your life and it must be set aside in this instance. As you said, your sins are equal and so, you must learn that if you expect forgiveness of Allah (swt), you must extend that forgiveness, as well.

    This is not to mean that you ever give up on dignity or surrender it to another human being. Yet, that you and your wife, if you remain together must compliment each other to raise the status of your beings, respectively.

    On the third, it is imperative that your families never discover why the marriage ended, if you two decide to do so. You must always remain as a garment for each other and cover this dispute with mutual gentleness and kindness.

    Point four begs the question, why is this happening? Is it a physical or a mental block causing physical inability that is hampering your satisfaction and her satisfaction with intimacy. Were you able to please each other before this news was exposed? If so, then it is entirely mental and you two must learn to forgive each other and put the past behind you, if you decide to remain together. If it is a physical problem of another sort, you need to consult a physician.

    Lastly to point five, is that your journey must continue in ridding yourself of your ego and that your wife accompany you, as she is to do likewise for herself. If you decide to stay together, this is where you two can join hands, hearts and minds to venture onto the most righteous path. Make it easier for each other by taking easiness and comfort beside one and other. Pray together every day, both in obligatory and supererogatory prayers. Become the leader of your household and enjoin your wife towards spiritual wayfaring towards Allah (swt). You both have equal sins, you both are on the path of forgiveness and repentance and so it is important to see that you have a companion who shares your pain and misery. Help each other, carry her physically and emotionally and never give up on one and other.

    You to are newlyweds and you are going through a critical stage in your life, albeit right from the start. If you are to save it and put the demons to rest, the time is now.

    If you cannot do so, then you will separate first and follow the shariah for divorce through the proper methods. Though divorce is disliked, we must remember than there is no compulsion in our deen. However, if you do divorce, know that these struggles will not end and may magnify for the short term future, perhaps lasting for an initial time of 1-2 years, as you try to come to terms with this part of your life.

    May Allah (swt) guide you and your wife to the best decision that brings comfort, solace and love in this world and in the hereafter.

    • Dear sisterz,

      I am reading the supplication and yesterday was her birthday,- was ok and the day went well.Today it was hard again,but am reading the duas and my salat on time.

      Please do write back as it does give me some encouragement.

      • Dear Brother,

        Maasha'Allah, I am glad you are making an effort. Don't expect too much too soon, this is your time for sabr. I truly believe that if you persevere on this one, you will most definitely find much happiness.

        I was recently going through a very low period, probably the worst I can remember in a long time. It felt as though there was absolutely no-one who understood me and my 'position'. The one or two, who I knew would understand me were not available for me to lean on for various reasons. On the outset, my behaviour and attitude seemed and still does seem stubborn, foolish even to those around me. But I found no peace in doing what others wanted/want of me - even though it seems the easier thing to do. And so I found myself 'completely' alone, for the first time. Every door I turned to appeared closed. Every window I looked through, looked bleak and dull. And so I withdrew from everyone I knew. And finally turned to Allah.

        Of course, this is something I should not have done only when I found myself so isolated. I should always have turned to Allah. But I am human, and it is human nature to forget. Alhumdulillah, though He(swt) also sends us reminders which make us turn to Him(swt) again like a child goes to his mother when he is hurt and so perhaps this was my Lord's way of reminding me that I needed to turn back to Him(swt) for comfort.

        So where I found I could confide in no-one, I confided in Allah. I spoke to Him(swt), trusting that He(swt) will not ignore me or become tired of me and trusting that He(swt) will understand me and help me. And knowing that, gave me some peace. How did I try to connect with Allah? I tried to improve the quality of my Salaah, I began reading an ayah or two of the Quran again, whilst pondering over the meaning. I took more time to do my morning and evening dhikr with more contemplation - and a few other things.

        So brother take one step at a time, improve your relationship with Allah and of course He(swt) will help you improve your relationship with your wife too. If possible, please read over:

        - The six part article of Morning and Evening dhikr. These are duas that Rasool(sws) used to say and they cover almost everything we need to ask for. So try to make then a daily routine and encourage your wife to do the same:

        - Recite these ayahs of shifa often:

        "And [God] shall heal the breast of the believers." (at-Tawba, 9:14)

        "Mankind there has come to you a guidance from your Lord and a healing for (the diseases) in your hearts, and for those who believe a guidance and a mercy." (Yunus, 10:57)

        "There issues from within the bodies of the bee a drink of varying colors wherein is healing for mankind." (an-Nahl, 16:69)

        "And We sent down in the Quran such things that have healing and mercy for the believers." (an-Najm, 17:82)

        "And when I am ill, it is [God] who cures me.” (ash-Shu`ara, 26:80) (A supplication of Prophet Abraham [as])

        "And declare (O Muhammad) that [the Quran] is a guidance and healing for the believers." (al-Fussilat, 41:44)

        Keep in touch with us here insha'Allah.

        SisterZ Editor

        • One more thing. You said the day went well yesterday, Alhumdulillah. When things go well, we should thank Allah, as He(swt) says: “...If you are grateful, I will surely increase you in favour.” [Surah Ibrahim, Ayah 7]

          So recite this dua once every after Fajr and Asr daily as Rasool(sws) used to do:
          "O Allah, whatever blessing has come to me or anyone else from Your creation this morning is from You Alone. You have no partner. To You is all praise and thankfulness."

          The Messenger of Allah(sws) said: “Whoever recites (this supplication - as above) in the morning, then he has offered the thankfulness of the day, and whoever recites the same in the evening, he has conveyed gratitude for that evening.” [Abu Dawood, Ibn Hibaan and was classified as Hassan by Ibn Baaz].


          Also ask Allah(swt) to give you the good of each day and to protect you from the bad of each day. Please see dua number 13 on this page:


          • Sisterz,

            Salam,thank you for the supplications.I do read them everyday,I want to share that the only stumbling block in moving forward for me is "me" and the images that flash in my mind and then at those moments I feel disgust for her.I know this is wrong but then I am never rude to her.I am somewhere feeling the inability to concentrate even on my work.Mashallah se Allah has given me a wonderful job but now this issue issue is impacting even my job.I've also lost so much weight in 2 weeks that people are asking me if everything is ok.

            I even imagine that if she goes away from my life,would I peaceful?I don't know the answer to that.maybe I wouldn't have to deal with this,or maybe it will go away.

            I don't want to make some person miserable because of me and honestly I know..I have to overcome this ,Allah is probably testing me in my toughest times and I somewhere I want to try harder and harder to pass his test.

            I also feel very weak,and shaitan also dosent seem to stop his attacks on my mind.I am still going to try,but just hope I don't lose my strength and give up.

            Please keep praying for me.

          • Assalamoalaikum Sister Z,
            Jazakallahukhairan for your comment above and the reminder of the duas.
            I was needing them so much today.
            I am trying Inshallah to memorize them.
            May Allah(s.w.t) reward you and every one here for their efforts. Ameen

          • May Allah reward you for remembering Him. Please keep me in your duas.


  11. Professor X,

    Salam and thank you for the response.She says she went to say goodbye,and he tried to remind her of the old days,but she stopped when she did,this was two months before the wedding(we were engaged),she is not in touch with any of her friends from before.She repents now,she has changed ,I see that,but somewhere its just a mental issue for me.We were fine physically before the issue came up.The details hurt too much.

    I want to make this work,and somewhere accept Allah(swt) decree upon me,but sometime even my best seems not to work.I will keep trying inshallah.your words are encouraging and yes I have made a mistake by assuming what Allah ideally actually had in store for me by assuming that this is what bi deserve,nauzubillah.

    Pray for me and give me more strength and courage and Allah(swt) will bless you.

    Thank you

    • Walaikum salaam,

      Thank you for the kind regards and yes, I will keep you in my prayers.

      Also I want to emphasize that I said you had a misconception, but this does not mean that Allah (swt) is necessarily punishing you. Think about it in this way: if you were climbing a mountain, would you want a mechanic with you or a rock climber. Thus to reform your life, you need someone of similar experience, but it's important to realize that your wife is making great strides in her faith right now. She is walking back onto the Right Path and it looks promising, Insha'allah.

      Brother, I feel that you and your wife have a lot of potential to repair your minds and to bring your hearts close together. She turned away from her former life and she chose you over her past even when her ex tried to tempt her, which means she chose the halal. This should signal to you how much she wanted and desired you over any other man. She needed you as a part of her rescue to get back to the Right Path and as her partner in the hereafter, Insha'allah. You need to find solace and confidence in this fact, because it is a very beautiful act by your wife. Among all men, she chose you to be her husband, her best friend and her lover, forever. This is a very special decision and her actions beforehand bear this out.

      Think that you both had touched the bad part of the world and rejected it, out of love of Allah (swt) and out of wanting love in your marriage. You forsook the past and were ready to trust and hold each other in your embraces, kisses and your love making. So the issue now is to start making the decision to create your own memories and experiences of intimacy that are superior by mere virtue of being a part of Allah's Mercy (swt).

      Since so much of your mental block stems from sexuality, I think what's important to emphasize for you two is create open affection. Before, in your sins, you were fornicating for lustful desires. Now, you two need to learn how to make love in worship of Allah (swt), but also this starts with very kind and gentle touching, words and petting. At times, this might involve taking picnics, bathing together or cooking for each other. Essentially, you need to learn how to physically care for each other again and surely, the mental blocks will begin to crumble as you learn that your well being and her well being are in compliment. There will be days she does more for you and vice versa, but the important thing is to realize that you are willing to make a commitment to repair your marriage together.

      You need to take each day in the true essence of the Qur'an, as garments for each other, covering each other's mistakes with kind words, helping each other with private things and growing dependent on one and other. Learn to cuddle, hold each other and most of all pray together. The latter is a truly profound secret of success in the Islamic lifestyle.

      As with many posts in the past, I share this one with you as a means to reignite the love you two need and want in your married life. It's from the Sunnah, so please take care to use it judiciously with your wife

      The celebrated Arabian traditionist Jabir bin 'Abdallah, a disciple of Muhammed, sets forth the following tradition:

      When the Most Manifest Book El-Quran was being revealed to our Apostle by the archangel Gabriel, Muhammed abstained, during sexual commerce with his wife, from the spermatic ejaculation into the genital organs of Lady Khedijeh..

      Muhammed, rather than practicing coitus interruptus ('azil or "withdrawal"), never ejaculated at all (coitus reservatus, imsak or "withholding"), but purposed in saving his semen to preserve his vital strength and have it flow into his bloodstream for aiding and invigorating mental power. Jabir adds that the Prophet practiced "keeping it in" or "holding back the sperm" for several hours. Feeling refreshed, he would then retire to his mountain retreat for inspiration.

      • Salamalaikum Professor X,

        The dua's do really help and am at peace when am supplicating these in my mind,heart and actions.

        The days go by with peace,although I am a little withdrawn from the situation.I know that we both have sinned and somewhere realized how grave the sin in question is.

        She is continuing with her namaz and quran and is also repenting everyday.

        She does cook,and we are curtious towards one another,but there is still that space which in uncomfortable for the both of us to share.We both feel it.

        Its always on my mind,that it will never be special anymore.

        Somewhere the guilt is eating her up from the inside ,i feel the same sometimes,but i immediately listen to a surah from the Quran,or recite the Beautiful names of ALLAH(SWT) and feel at ease.I always share some emotional surah, or a dua or a nasheed with her,and she listens and cries.Somwhere we both would trade the entire world for what we gave up(moral values,self-respect,honor,fear of Allah(swt) if we could have it back.

        Also please tell me,if one commits a sin once,is it the same as committing the same sin several times.?

        Keeping the shaitan away from the mind and the heart is harder that it seems,but i have noticed that the attacks are fewer when Allah(swt) is being mentioned,SubhanAllah.

        I am still trying,but what i need you to advice me here,is about how to deal with the bad cycle thoughts(flashes) that suddenly come into the mind and then affect the functioning of the body and soul.This is not easy to deal with brother,but i Want to defeat the shaitan and tell him,that I am Allah's(swt) slave and am here on this earth for just a short while,and will spend the rest of my time and energy in his obedience and not listen to his whispers.

        Please write back.
        May Allah reward you in this world and the next.

        • Brother,

          I've been meaning to write to you since yesterday.

          I wanted to remind you to recite Surah Falaq and Surah Nas as much as possible as these are the Surahs recommeded for us to recite for protection from the whisperings of shaytan.

          Surah Falaq: 'Say, "I seek refuge with The Lord of the daybreak from the evil of what He has created and from the evil of the darkening night as it darkens and when the moon goes away and from the evil of those who practice witchcraft by blowing on knot and from the evil of the envier when he envies."'

          Surah Nas: Say, “I seek refuge with the Lord of mankind, the King of mankind, the God of mankind, from the evil of the whisperer who withdraws (when Allah's name is pronounced), the one who whispers in the hearts of people, whether from among the Jinn or Mankind.”


          • Salam Sisterz,

            May Allah(swt) bless you,Will do this everyday.

            Please also advice me about the bad cycle thoughts/flashes that come in my mind?

            Thank you

          • Brother, you are worrying too much. If those thoughts keep coming to mind, you are also trying to fight them aren't you? And Allah(swt) can see the effort you are making and loves His(swt) slave who keeps repenting and turning to Him(swt).

            It is sunnah of Rasool(sws) to recite the last three Surahs every morning and evening and before sleeping. Please see the link on dhikr that I sent you, it is detailed in there.


        • Asalaam alaikum,

          Let us look at Sura Al-Nisa, Verses 118-119

          Allâh cursed him. And he [Shaitân (Satan)] said: "I will take an appointed portion of your slaves; (118) Verily, I will mislead them, and surely, I will arouse in them false desires; and certainly, I will order them to slit the ears of cattle, and indeed I will order them to change the nature created by Allâh." And whoever takes Shaitân (Satan) as a Walî (protector or helper) instead of Allâh, has surely suffered a manifest loss.

          Brother, as you said, this is the work of the Shaytan because you are entering the mindset of the perpetual doubter and letting it take control. Instead, what you need to see is that this initial doubt that reoccurs is an invitation to remember Allah (swt) and ask for forgiveness. We must remember that the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) was without sin, but he too, would always ask forgiveness from Allah (swt). His was on another level, but from this, we must understand that if our endless words made us mute, this would still be insufficient in praising Allah (swt) as The Most Sublime, The Greatest.

          I would advise you that you and your wife speak together about using these times to remember Allah (swt) and to "run" to each other. Speak sweetly, touch each other with eyes closed, tracing and memorizing the other's features and truly hold each other while asking Allah (swt) to put limitless love in your hearts for Him and for one and other. Take this pestering of the Shaytan and hit back at him in this way. I would further recommend that during the day, you two make the effort to send texts and phone calls to each other for moral support and to enhance your desire for each other. Things like, "I miss you, I'm thinking of you" and especially, "I prefer you to all others," are the things you both need to hear often. Say and do things that make your life special together.

          Sometimes you may not need to say anything. If you feel badly or a evil thought occurs, just go to her and hold her. Smell her hair, wrap your arms around her and then recite "Bismillah" and the verse of Qur'an that are for spouses. Ask Allah (swt) to place comfort for you with her, that you are her refuge and that He place an unbreakable bond between you two. Talk to Allah (swt) in this way when you are with her. Tell Him that you want to take care of her, love her and to make her happy because in His Wisdom, He gave her to you. Do not take her for granted. She is your wife and you two are allowed to have a great and wonderful life together in many ways and means.

          Another thing I noticed in your reply was this line:

          we both would trade the entire world for what we gave up(moral values,self-respect,honor,fear of Allah(swt) if we could have it back.

          You see that one word, "if?" I know you don't mean to do it, but you are limiting Allah (swt), His Forgiveness and your redemption. You two should not think this way, but think of "when," you will get it back. Make your obedience to Allah (swt) and being His servant your way back to the noble creature you can become. For surely in marriage, which is a form or worship, is where Allah (swt) will grace you with the dignity of a proper sexual relationship and the pleasures inherent with it. This is where you can get your respect back for your love, your desires and yes, your mutual orgasms.

          Pay special attention that there is a hadith in that says:

          A woman came to Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) and said that she had tried everything to attract her husband but in vain; he does not leave his meditation to pay any attention to her. Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) told her to inform her husband about the reward of sexual intercourse, which he described as follows: "When a man approaches his wife, he is guarded by two angels and [at that moment in Allah's views] he is like a warrior fighting for the cause of Allah. When he has intercourse with her, his sins fall like the leaves of the tree [in fall season]. When he performs the major ablution, he is cleansed from sins."

          So now you see why the whispers of Shaytan is attacking you constantly? Share this hadith with your wife and know that your intimate life is a part of your purification, love and eventual deeds into Heaven.

          Regarding the question of the amount of sins: do not focus on this. This is for Allah (swt) to decide, but what we do know is that what matters is turning away from the sin, seeking repentance and doing good deeds with the rest of your life. So I must ask, are you and your wife giving charity, helping the less fortunate and being good Muslims to other in your community? Giving sadaqa can help you immensely in this world and the hereafter, so do not forget to do this! And remember that if you commit one sin without any regret, then this is greater than a hundred sins that bear remorse, seeking forgiveness and reformation of the body and soul. The latter part is the key.

          When you begin to understand why Shaytan is after you right now, it's because having a great sexual life in your marriage will undo all his scheming and plans to take you to Hell. So by using this awareness and taking the opportunity to have a great marriage, then you have foiled his plan and taken another step towards Allah (swt).

  12. idk but wow. I would love to see what everyone writes

  13. you both commited zina just continue repenting and put your past behind you

    enjoy the time you have with your new wife

    try and strengthen your deen together with your wife.

  14. Salam,

    Is it possible to post a private message instead of having it published publicly?


    • You mean you want to submit a post? Yes, you can do that if you log in and request for it to be kept private insha'Allah. When it is published, only yourself and the Editors on this team will be able to view it and comment on it.

      SisterZ Editor

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