Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arranged vs love marriage – I can’t compete



I am a Filipino and he's Pakistani.

From this one line alone makes you think of all the differences that we have: nationality. Religion. Language. Culture. Beliefs. Traditions. Mind setting. Family.

Yet in these differences we Found love for each other.

From the beginning of our relationship we have acknowledged the fact that we can't marry each other.  Yet, we found our selves trying to fight for our relationship.

He tried to convince his family about marrying me. He even talked badly to his sister, who settled through arranged marriage, that her marriage to her husband was a disaster. Now as the only guy in their family, he wanted to choose for his own.

They asked him to wait until they decide on the matter.  During that time they asked me if I could survive living there in their country, leave my family, my culture, my old ways and work etc. I told them I just need to work for 3 years more until I get my two sisters graduate from college and I could go and settle with him in Pakistan. We are both in UAE.

After few weeks we got the answer.  They said NO. Since it would be difficult for their family- reputation, what their relatives will say about him and that it will be difficult for me as well.

We planned to get married secretly. Which I declined. Since you can't keep a secret a secret. Eventually everybody will know and I don't like it to be that way. As much as possible I would want to have his family's approval.

Later on he told me that he's accepted the decision of his parents. Because I gave him a bad image of myself. I always fight with him with the little things. Which I could not explain that is was the result of hormonal changes. I always have this tantrums and depressive moods everytime I have my period. He decided he cannot marry me.

Part 2. We love each other deeply. We care for each other like best friends. We talk everyday. Make each other happy. We do a lot of things together. Until just recently, it was revealed to him that they already found a girl for him to get married with.  :'(

He told everything. That sooner or later he will leave me. Go home to their country and get married there. That's why he is stopping the relationship now. I can't. I don't like. I would die. I kept on crying. Begging him and his sister to give me one chance to prove to them my worth. That I could change for him. And that I'm willing to give up everything. Again their answer is NO.

Preview of the past: I have been in a relationship for 5 years before in my country. We also planned our life together. Yet he ended up getting married with another girl whom he got pregnant while still in a relationship with me.

History just repeated itself.

Imagine the devastation I am feeling after knowing he is going to get married with another woman soon. I felt so horrible that I am going to lose the man that I love and planned my life to settle down with.

Right now her sister is sending me messages saying I need to go away from her brother etc.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk to his parents but it's not easy or even possible. I am losing my mind already. I know it's not allowed in Islam to get into a relationship. Believe me it's not what I need talk hear right now.


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6 Responses »

  1. Allah swt saved you from a life of misery. I know the feelings you have for him don't allow you to realize how good this ending is. You will see soon on your own. Being looked down for just being who you are would have made you hate his family and his treatment toward you would have sided with them more and more. They think this makes them look better in society, but in REAL Muslim society it makes them the lowest. Filipino women are beautiful as I'm sure you are, you shouldn't have any issues meeting a MUCH better man.

    Ask Allah swt for forgiveness.. even if your hurting.. thank him for everything in your life as he knows what's good for us, he knows our future. Then make istakara for a right Muslim husband. May Allah help you through your pain and make it easy for you. Don't reminisce with his photos, texts messages. Delete everything about him and for your own good leave him alone.

    °Hugz° sister I promise you will overcome this horrible pain.

    Asalam Alaykum

  2. Its sad to read but I agree with sister Aminah you have dodged a bullet.

    Look into Islam and the rights of a Woman I can pretty much guarantee you that you wouldn't have had those rights as these families who care about what others think will always put society ahead of their religious responsibility or Human responsibility for that matter.

    You would have been miserable a bet ... Maybe I'm assuming but the fact the man in question is clearly a coward as he can't even stand against his family on someone he claims to have "Loved" shows they would have dominated the household and you would have basically married his family rather than him. They would have ruled over you expecting certain things and butting into your life etc. Trust me this type of stuff is common but soo far from Islam its unreal.

    Trust me my Sister look into Islam openly (clearly shows you have no agendas as you were willing to marry a Muslim) and you will find peace and happiness that you never married him.

    May Allah SWT guide you the right path ... Ameen. Hope things work out for the best.

  3. Dear jan d
    Sad to read ur situation and i know that u are in a deep emotional trauma. I know right now u dont wanna hear a word abt facts and a truth. But dear girl im a pakistani and i know ths sad fact that in pak most muslims follow their culture more than they follow islamic values ur pakistani guy starts reasoning his mind and his values over his emotional feelings called love for you and his reasoning won so its ur time to start the reasoning part of ur brain i know females tend to be more emotional and passionate abt love so it will be very hard for u thats sumthng i know. But u can try an option by studying the religion of that pakistani guy and start logical reasoning with him....
    May Allah give you peace of heart and guide you to the right path...

  4. Ao jan d
    It's really painful, but let me tell u that I am facing the same situation except that part of ur prior involvement with some other guy, before that pakistani guy. I can feel ur pain because i am suffering from this terrible feeling as well. I know it's very difficult to overcome the pain and to be patient at the same time. Everyone is also advising me every possible thing to stay calm and to be patient my heart is broken I can listen to them but couldn't understand right now. I also don't know whether I could move on or would be in this state for ever. Whenever someone tries to console me I just think that how could he/she know my situation. But whoever do that, for sure they love us and can't see us in pain and sufferings. The one I love couldn't took stand for me as well. Althiught i wss ready to go beyond anyone can imagine.And he's also getting married.and when I heard that I felt like my world's been shattered apart. And believe me right now it's really hard on me to write all that.because I am feeling ur pain along with mine. But instead I would suggest u not to regret after the guy who didn't care about u. Who pretended that he loved u but infact this is not love my beloved sister.
    I also realise it now that I didn't follow islam that's why it happened to me because LBW "Love Before Wedding" is not allowed in islam. We have been punished for the sin that's clearly forbidden in islam.
    However just have faith in Almighty Allah He's the most merciful. I will pray for ur peace of mind and soul. Sister that man doesn't deserve u. I know it's hard to forget him I didn't forget him either. May be I wouldn't forget that horrible part of my life. But I pray that ya Rub always remind me the lesson out of what's happened not the suffering not that man or anything like that. Try to indulge ur self in prayers and ask for the best for ur self. Please pray for me as well. I also need everyone's prayers. And please sister do not lose hope. The main purpose of our lives is to worry about our akhirat ans worship the sole creator Almighty Allah. May Allah bless u with the wisdom to judge the right thing and I pray that u and ur heart and mind accepts the reality soon because the sooner u accepts that the faster u would come out ov this trauma. May Allah bless u with happiness,peace and Iman.

  5. AOA
    And one thing more, as I told you that I am suffering from the same situation as u are. Someone told me about a dua which i am also reciting continuously. It would give u peace of mind and soul and bless u with the best with Allah's will InshaaAllah. I am trying to write it down properly , but I seek forgiveness from Allah if I made any mistake, and request all of you to amend that just in case.

    "Innalilahi wainnailaihi rajeoon Allahuma ajirni fe museebati wakhlif le khai rum min".

    Please pray for me as well. I need prayers.
    May Allah guide us and forgives us all and bless us with Iman and taqwah.Ameen, sumameen.

  6. Dear Sister

    Romantic fantasy/love is a necessary junk element that drives people to work on goals difficult to

    obtain in real life.

    You are facing depression resulting from the breakup of old romantic fantasy(marrying your ex), which has destroyed your goal. It will be

    much easier for you if you work on developing another romantic fantasy(finding a new partner) replacing

    your old one. One possible strategy is to study romantic novels involving discovering a new

    partner after severe breakup or to convince your parents to find a wonderful groom for you.

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