Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arranged vs Love Marriage (Divorce)



Aoa, I am v much disturbed because of problems in my family life. I started loving my husband while i was at the last stage of my education. The love was expressed firstly by him. he proposed me and i asked him to ask his family first for the marriage if they will come to my house then i can continue otherwise it's difficult.

he asked from his mother and elder brother and they said no issue we are agreed, you need not not to be worry.

i started my relation with him and in few days he was totally changed, not even agreeing to get married. i have been to hospital in serious condition 3 to 4 times...

his brother even talked with him but he didnt respond just becoz he loves his father alot and his father's brother has set his relation with his daughter when he was born. though his uncle died few years back but still the love and emotional blackmailing forced him to get married to that girl.

meanwhile i went abroad and attempted suicide but got saved. he was still loving me but because of the family didnt proceed the relation. after one week of his marriage i talked to his father and told the whole thing, at the end we got married happily with concern of bot the families.

before marriage me and my husband did commitment to take care of his first wife but after our marriage it seemed impossible, even my husband used to cry that what should i do, i cant go near her...i just love you.

after my marriage i never allowed my husband to go near her, because whenever he goes away from me i get terrible sick almost near to death ...our bond is like this ...Allah is also aware of it....its natural that i got what should we do now?

family is pressurizing by saying that you both have commited, so fulfil that commitment in any case otherwise you will b divorced, because she is our brother's daughter we wont give any harm to her. my husband is also worried because he is saying at the time of marriage i took oath and picked Quran even that i will fulfill my duty towards him.

his first wife or father didnt say anything like this to me, but my husband himself remembers and he is v much worried now. we did commitment but now we are unable to fulfill that after trying alot. my husband now says that i can do it by taking as "Majbori" but in my view in this way all three lives will be destroyed rather four because i have a son as well.

we never ever fought amongst each other but i cant share my husband, he is the only thing which i have in this world and most precious for me. when Allah knows my condition and my husband's as well and when everybody knows that its not an ideal relation and that girl can live more happily if she would marry someone else then y not divorce should b given for our and for her sake as well.

my husband is worried that i have taken oath and picked Quran and my father will cut off from me that's  y i cant do this.... he is asking me to compromise which i will do for him but my life will be finished then.... i will b just like an alive dead body..... my husband also cant live without me....

plz tell me the solution and give islamic references so that i can copy and show to my family and husband.

- Ayeshli

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Sister Ayeshli,

    You write:

    "i have been to hospital in serious condition 3 to 4 times..."

    "meanwhile i went abroad and attempted suicide..."

    "whenever he goes away from me i get terrible sick almost near to death"

    Sister, it seems from what you say that you have difficulties with attachment and that you would benefit greatly from therapy/counseling of some kind with a licensed professional. You would need to go regularly...once a week or every two weeks to receive the full benefit. If you feel like your situation is too urgent for a slow process like that to work, I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist regularly or semi-regularly, as medication (such as that used for anxiety disorders) might be a more appropriate starting point.

    Once you are feeling better, you will have the strength to handle this situation better, whether it comes to divorce or not.

    See how it works and don't hesitate to write again if still in difficulty.

    May Allah bless you abundantly.


    • i am not a pysche happens only with tension and the sole tension in my husband and mine life is that girl but we are helpless and cant do anything.......just because of family pressure. i dont know y but the love for my husband is to the extreme....its different from rest of the world.......

  2. Assalaamualaikum Dear Sister,

    From your post , I understand that you are his second wife and you have controlled him to not go near to his first wife. I will request you to just be empathetic, put yourself in her shoes and think.

    I understand that you love your husband so much but should you not love Allah(swt) enough and fear Allah(swt) enough that you feel scared to deprive others of their rights.

    Polygamy is allowed and you entered into it with your agreement, and now you are saying, you cannot share him. I am so sorry, you have him now because she shared him with you. So it looks like you took her generosity and reverted her with emptiness and deprived her rights.

    I am sorry if I sound harsh but I just want you to see it through other lens.

    May Allah(swt) guide you and your husband both... Aaameen.

    • i am his second wife but i didnt control him....he was crying even at the day of first marriage. he got married against his will just because of family presure.......even in my absence he was not able to go near her.....m not the only reason to stop him......and i dont even stop have said everything right....but there are few things that happen just because of Allah's will....i think so our relation is like that we cant even liive without each other after the birth of our child....i know i m wrong and he is also but how a person can be forced to go near a girl to whom he dont like at all...with he whom he dont want to u can force a person to do this.......even Nabi pak ordered to stop this kind of relation as early as possible...... Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

      He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

      according to it if its not in a person's will he should not be husband was not forced directly but emotionally he was being black mailed.....m not talking about myself only...i am worried of the other girl as husband can never ever treat her in the same way as he treats me...this is injustice with her as well........throughout liffe i dont want to see my husband inn this tensionn.....whatever the mistakes are made still they can be correctedif that girl would get marry to someone else after a year may be....i know this would be really painful but after sometime she will be ok when her husband would treat her well............otherwise all of us including my child would loss the taste of life.....this is good for her as well....i know all blames are on me only bcz i m the one to whom my husband loves alot....

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