Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am heartbroken, overwhelmed and ashamed for what I did. Please help me I want my fiance back


Ashamed woman, sad woman, depressed woman

Asalaamu alaykum dear brothers and sisters

I really need your help as I am going crazy. I will try to cut the story as short as I can. I was engaged to a brother. We had the right intentions and were doing things in the correct way. No private contact, no private meetings. We both had very difficult parents, especially mine alhamdulilah somehow they all agreed and we were engaged.

Since the engagement, we started to get too friendly. I was going through a bad time as my mum was really against it. At first he just wanted to help and support me. We never intended to even exchange numbers, the first time I called him he said it was his brother's number, even though it was his. The first time we met alone, we both tried to get a third party but were unable to, and I was leaving the city so we ended up meeting alone. Since then we broke all the boundaries and we would meet occasionally and talk regularly. Prior to this, everything we knew about each other was spot on. We both were very happy and had asked all the right questions to determine that we were a good match.

Since we gave into shaytaan things went downhill. I would start to feel insecure, we would have minor misunderstandings; there was frustration as we were not halal for each other. The smallest of things were being blown out of proportion but we still got on really well. All these small things were getting to him, so much that he started having doubts. He never really opened up about them just my insecurities got to him. I was distraught as he wanted to call it off and he was acting all strange; every time I would talk to him, he would be like I dont know what is wrong with me. I am fearful that if we are like this now, how will it get better when we are married. I explained that its because we are not married, and shaytaan is trying to destroy us as we were really good together; helped each other to progress in Dawah, everything was falling into place but then we got into a non physical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I recommended we both have ruqya, as everyone knew about us and said we made a perfect match. The Raqe told me that I have the evil eye maybe even magic done so I have started ruqya properly. Three weeks ago he called it off and he completely cut contact with me as his parents made him promise he wouldn't contact me. They disliked the fact we had gone behind their backs and had been meeting; he had been to my sister's house, when they weren't there. I was so so distraught wallahi because he told me he loved me, nothing could come in between us, and then in 3 days he called it off and didn't even give me an explanation. I tried to get in touch with him a few times but he wouldn't get back to me. Last week I did a terrible thing; I pretended to be my friend and emailed him. I said something had happened to me and it was supposed to be a one minute joke but it got really really out of hand. His whole family found out and I had to tell lie upon lie to cover it up. they don't know that it was me but he knows.

He contacted me before, because he felt bad. He wanted us to use ramadhan to make istikhara and dua and put our full trust in Allaah. He asked about the email and I lied; I said it had nothing to do with me but he knew the friend I pretended to be was me. Surprisingly, he was really understanding and gave me the opportunity to be honest and tell him everything. At first he said this means that we can no longer use ramadhan to think about it, but as he goes he forgives me, and understands I was in an extreme state, we can use ramadhan. But I feel sick and disgusted with myself brothers and sisters. I cannot stop hating myself for what I have done. He said he wouldnt tell anyone and told me not to tell anyone either. but I feel terribly burdened with guilt and hatred for myself; how could I be so sick, so snidey, so deceiving.

His family are put off from me now anyway, because I am too independent, because they know we have been meeting up, they are disappointed and cannot understand how I could go behind my parents back and talk to him without them knowing etc. I really really care about him so much. We had something so great, and we messed it up; I messed it up more. Its been four weeks now; I am such a mess; I feel a huge physical pain in my chest. I have lost so much weight subhan'allah. Now that its ramadhan I have no energy whatsover to do anything. I am a huge mess. I cannot concentrate on anything; I cannot sleep properly because I am heartbroken, and then overwhelmed with myself.

I cannot stop crying and feel disgusted with myself; I miss him too. I did istkhara for 6 months before he came to my house; everything was right between us; everything was working out. I always felt right about him, and inclined towards it. At first I thought it was completely over but he said we should use ramadhan; he said we would need a miracle to sort this out, as we need Allah to change heart of our families too, as so much has happened and everyone being disappointed.

But I am so scared, I cannot stop feeling guilty for a start. I want to make things right but dont know how.

I feel hurt by him too.

please someone help me 


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32 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,
    I'm sorry to hear you feel depressed. Firstly make sincere dua to Allah, there is nobody else who can change your situation but Allah. Repent to Allah for all the things you feel guilty about. Then forget about what happened. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, your mistakes do not define you, rather you must learn from them. So let those negative feelings go and move on. Now for the brother, I suggest you forget about him. He broke it off with you. It's natural that you feel rejected and hurt but these things are part of life. Haram actions such as meeting in secret have consequences, so maybe this was a test from Allah. "Love" sometimes blinds people from reality. But true love is the love of Allah. Turn to Allah and inshallah your pain will soon disappear. My dear sister, remember that whatever is meant to happen will happen, so don't obsess about things.
    Take care.

  2. Aoa sister ukti!
    I can empathise with u and feel ur pain it is only natural. But u must have faith in Allah (swt) and trust his hikmah(wisdom). Be patient and let things sort out. Take care of ur health and although it is good u r repenting do not feel so much guilt that it ruins ur health. If ur match is meant to be it will happen no matter what. However if it is not Insha Allah u will find a better guy.
    One prayer i always make and suggest for you:
    'O Allah u know best so please do for me watever is best for me.'
    May Allah help you!

  3. The smallest of things were being blown out of proportion but we still got on really well. All these small things were getting to him, so much that he started having doubts. He never really opened up about them just my insecurities got to him.

    Dear sister:

    Read what you have written above in your post.

    You want him back because you have developped an attachment to him, but do you not see that the two of you are not compatible? I wonder if you really knew him at all before you agreed to the engagement. Clearly, the two of you do not get along, and you are mismatched.

    Things have gone downhill, but it could be a blessing in disguise. Again, I urge you to re-read your own story. It is not a pleasant one. Look at everything you ended up doing - you acted in desperation, which did not reflect well on you. I am not saying that to criticize you, because women do irrational things when they are in love, but I am saying that so you can reflect properly on this entire experience. In my opinion, too much negativity and unpleasantness has passed between the two of you, as well as with his family, for this relationship to continue into the happily ever after. The seeds of a successful marriage have not been planted.

    I am not condoning your decision "to give in to shaytan", as you put it, but in doing so you saw the true nature of your relationship with this man. I know you are upset and hurt that things are going downhill, but it may be a blessing in disguise that this marriage is not meant to be.

    Also sister, do not convince yourself that he loved you and you loved him. It was a crush. You developped an attachment. With effort, you can de-attach yourself.

    These are the last 10 days of Ramadan. Take this time to reflect on your behaviour. Do istikhara so Allah SWT leads you in the right direction in all matters in life. Also please take care of your health - you must eat properly during sahoor and iftaar, maybe even take vitamins if you need to. Ramadan is the perfect time to seek forgiveness and strength from Allah SWT. Ask and He shall give it to y ou - although perhaps not right away; you will have to be strong and keep working at it. It takes a long time, but eventually, with lots of dua and self-contemplation, you will heal emotionally. Insha'Allah, there will be another fiance and husband in your future.

  4. Sister

    Your story is very saddening but I have come to realise in this life that If you seek something false, Allah will make you fall so you restore yourself- this is out of His mercy for you. That is what has happened to you. Allah gives to whom He pleases, and holds back from whom He pleases. He is aware of His servants and knows them well. Allah blesses them with with this hardship and even though you are in extreme pain it is still a blessing. From a human point of view we can say that you are going through hell but only Allah knows exactly what to give you to help you return to Him. The events in your life are purposeful, appropriate & non random. That is what you need to tell yourself, that is what you need to teach yourself.

    Everything that has happened to you or is happening to you are things by which you know your Lord. That is the nature of this world and life.
    You need to tell yourself that even if your relationship didn’t work out, the experience was good for you. There is always good in the trials/tribulations placed upon us by Allah.

    You know, this beautiful quote by a good Shaykh sums it up for me and I hope it does for you too.

    “God is with the broken-hearted. When your heart breaks, it’s a good thing – the breaking of the heart is what opens it up to the light of Allah. The dunya is designed to break your heart, to crush it.” ~ Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

    Now it is your job to accept the light of Allah. You are alive, you are in the beautiful month of Mercy. You need to close of everything else and reach out to God only. I can assure you that when you do that you fill find peace and miraclously your affairs will be resolved! I have seen that happen many a time. Sister we are not in control of out destinies, we need to stop acting as if we are, its tiring and exhuasting to live like that. Trust God and you will feel your burdens lighten.

    Please, please sister concentrate on yourself for a while. Leave everything else, leave all contact with anyone apart from your immediate family, lave contact with your ex completely and once you find yourself stronger and well then go out into the world and seek knoweldge of this beautiful deen. Socialise with pious sisters who can help you, volunteer for charities and watch how fulfilling your life will become. Don't deprive yourself of a life sister just becasue of this one event. Once your family see this change in you they will once again respect you, but first you need to learn to respect yourself.

    Insha-allah I pray that you can find peace. take care.

    • What a very kind and thoughtful comment ma-sha-Allah.

      Wael Editor

    • Ukhti Hafsa,

      JazakiAllahu Khair your advice has touched my heart. May Allah swt reward you for your gentleness.

      May Allah (swt) guide our beloved sister in islam Ukti_F through her hard times and prevent her from any harm and grant her an bountiful blessed life. May this trial help her to see whats right from wrong so that she may follow that which is right.

      Barak'Allahu Feekum!


  5. Asalaam alaykum

    Jazak'Allah khair for your replies. may Allaah reward you all.

    The situation is that he wants to sort things out and intends to speak to his father to get things resolved.

    throughout ramadhan, every time i broke my fast, every time i was in sujood, between adhaan and iqaama, i begged and pleaded with Allaah to change my heart if he is not good for me.. and my heart has not been changed. i still want to get married to him. even though i know its going to be sooo difficult because my parents think its all over, and he needs to work on his parents.

    im so so scared... how do i tell my parents i still want this, after him calling it off?

  6. Salam sister

    My personal opinion is that you remain silent. There is nothing you can do at the moment because the ball is in his court so to speak. He is the one who must convince his parents, he is the one who must come to your parents with his and respectfully ask for your hand in marriage. You must concentrate on yourself and on building your parents trust in you.
    My sincere advice to you sister is that give it time and pray earnestly to Allah to make it easy for you, but most importantly you need to step back and look at the situation obectively, like an outsider. How do you see things developing, positively or negatively for you on a personal level???

    Try and focus on you and the positive change you must bring to yourself to deal with this situation wisely.
    Just becasue he now wishes to marry you, does that mean he is good for your deen and dunya? Ask yourself this. Give it time and space- don't indulge in unneccsary conversation/dialogue with him. Give your parents a chance to heal and perhaps when and if he comes with his families to yours your parents may decide in favour of this marriage, but if you keep speaking about it or insisting on it your only antagonising them- so let it rest and let your fiance deal with it first

    I hope Allah makes it easy for you.

  7. He's a coward. He broke up with you in 3 days? He truly does sound like a pathetic excuse for a human being. Thank Allah that you found out about his true nature before marriage. This is why it's so important to actually get to know the person you're going to be waking up next to for the rest of your life.

  8. Asalaamu alaykum

    I really need some advice, some kind words, anything.

    Basically, in the recent two weeks he expressed his desire about wanting to make it work, and how much he regretted calling things off between us. He said he would sort things out with this family and try and resolve something. But he hasn't been able to do that. His dad is the main person he needed to convince, so he asked his uncle to speak to them and his uncle said his dad is not happy. I asked him to speak with his dad himself, as his dad will have alot of concerns/doubts in his head, and only he can clear them up. but he said he is unable to approach his dad himself. he's too scared, and in fear that his dad may kick him out of the house.

    so after bringing up my hopes again, he has left me. just like that. he was saying how regretful he was, how much he wanted it, he showed so much care and compassion again, he rang my sister and said how much he wanted to get things sorted, but thats it. khalas. he's just dropped me again.

    now i need to get over it, but im struggling. i dont want to be angry with him, but i am.

    whats worse is that we both volunteer for the same dawah organization, and attend their courses. i dont want to leave as im there for the sake of Allaah, but it literally KILLS seeing emails from him on the mailer. i also know he will end up marrying a sister within the organisation and i fearful of that day! plus everyone knew about us, and i just cannot face all the comments from the girls. no one wanted it to go ahead between us, and its not.

    all day i spend my time on this forum, reading other peoples heartbreaking stories, to bring myself solace.

    i am unemployed, my family is all over the place. i stay in my room all day. i dont talk to any girls in my home town, as they all just gossip about me.

    i feel like such a joke, in my family, in my community, in the dawah organisation. i just want to go away somewhere new, and forget all this ever happened.

    please advise me

    • Dear sister,
      pls dont spend to much time alone in ur room. U rather spend that time alone in a masjid- u will get blessings as well as fresh air and u will still be in touch with the world. Hang around with one of ur trusted friends. Dont worry if ppl gossip/ backbite. They are only harming themself. Get up and face the world.

      I know sisters whose engagement broke and yes they were heart broken too and I also knw of sisters whose marriage broke too- one of them was practising muslim sister and straight after a month from marriage her husband divorced her without any valid reasons but now subhanAllah if u see them they are all blessed with wonderful and caring husbands. Those sisters did not abandon this life, so why should u?- in fact u seem like a practising muslim sister... U should know better that this is one of the trails that Allah (swt) is testing you on.

      Please turn to Allah (swt) as He has given us this life to worship Him alone both in good and bad times. And Allah (swt) is fully aware of ur pain, so please be patient, we don't know what Allah (swt) has planned for us and no one can change His plans but Him... What we can do is to make lots of sincere duas!!!

      u should repent to Allah (swt) for those lies u have said to his slaves in order to make ur situation work.

      And on the other hand the brother came and left u twice- this is not fair on u. He played around with ur feelings twice and he seems undecisive person. If he comes back to u again, my suggestion is that u should not accept his proposal but to reject it!!!! Yes sister reject him and move on.

      And my dear sister, pls take care of urself- eat well, continue with ur namaazs, start taking interest with ur family matters again, take up some sort of course, meet new sisters, continue with ur dawah projects, be and show urself strong and always have a smile on ur face- seriously it helps.

      May Allah (swt) makes it easy for you but sister remember this can only happen if you truely show Allah (swt) that u care about urself a lot. It's like a tough exam- for instance, one cannot say 'oh I will make dua to Allah (swt) to pass me' yet never revises. Is he/she going to pass? most probably fail coz the person never cared to open the books to revise. Likewise we need to review ourself on regualar basis, esply during our difficult moments and we should try our utmost to make ourself better in a way that only pleases Allah (swt).

      I hope I made sense.


    • Sister Ukti_F,

      Running away from your problems will not solve anything.I understand that the girls might be talking about you,but dont let that get you down. Go out there and make a difference! Let them remember you for something other than some scandal that made their life a little more exciting. We cannot change the past,we cannot predict the future,so why bother your mind with it? Have you ever looked at a child playing and wondered how he/she can have so much unending energy until the last moment before they sleep? I think we can all learn a lesson from that simple action-they dont bother about what happened or what will happen but they put every ounce of their current energy into whatever they are doing. I know it might sound....stupid...but bond with your family. They are your rocks till the very end. No matter what scandal,a family will stand fast and give you the support you need.
      -If you were a person who was involved alot in the community,dont give it up.If anyone asks you anything about him,dont break down in tears,just say "Ahh,in life things dont always work out and we must carry on" That way,they will see you are not being bothered by it so it will be silly for them to make a big issue out of it.
      -If he contacts you at the dawah centre,just ignore him or tell him " Until you are not ready to talk to your family,please dont contact me. I do not wish to engage in any more haraam with you".This,if anything,can only build his respect for you and not regard you as a doormat as he currently is doing.
      -Please,I beg you- DO NOT CONTACT HIM. If he's ready to be a man and not a mouse he will speak to his parents,but do not give him more ammunition to use against you. Think about it this way,if he has to speak to his parents and he is still interested in you,his words will be like ' Mom,Dad, I'm still intrested in Ukti_F. I want to send a proposal again',but if you contact him he will tell them 'Mom,Dad,Ukti_F emailed/phoned me. She still wants to get married to me. Maybe we should do something'. In this way,he will make you sound cheap to his parents,which you are NOT.
      -Consult Allah Ta'aala in everything you do. If Allah Ta'aala will be happy with it,go ahead with it. Make Allah Ta'aala your best friend. Allah Ta'aala knows how many black ants crawl on black rocks in the blackest of the black nights and He is capable of anything so complain to Him and Him alone.
      -You dont have to make excuses for anything,you dont have to explain to anyone.Learn to love yourself and love your connection with He who created you.

  9. Could someone please reply to my above post. Jazak'Allaah khayr

    • Waslaam sister F,
      Sister, first of all apologise for not being able to reply to your post earlier due to some personal reason.

      Basically, in the recent two weeks he expressed his desire about wanting to make it work, and how much he regretted calling things off between us. He said he would sort things out with this family and try and resolve something. But he hasn't been able to do that. His dad is the main person he needed to convince, so he asked his uncle to speak to them and his uncle said his dad is not happy. I asked him to speak with his dad himself, as his dad will have alot of concerns/doubts in his head, and only he can clear them up. but he said he is unable to approach his dad himself. he's too scared, and in fear that his dad may kick him out of the house.
      so after bringing up my hopes again, he has left me. just like that. he was saying how regretful he was, how much he wanted it, he showed so much care and compassion again, he rang my sister and said how much he wanted to get things sorted, but thats it. khalas. he's just dropped me again.

      Sister from what you have written above; it is clear that this brother in question is not able enough to discuss this matter with his parents and convince them. Sister problem is that a lot of us don’t even realise that how difficult a marriage can be and it only gets worst especially for a woman if her husband can’t stand for her. If you go through the posts on this websites you will realise that a lot of married brothers don’t stand for their wives when they are right. What is happening today which is sad also is that brothers are having difficult times to balance between the rights of their mother and that of their wives. This is so important that on one hand if Jannah is under the feet of mothers then our Holy Prophet (PBUH) said that best of men is the one who is good to his wife. In some cases hurting ones wife, not doing justice or abusing her in any way be it physically or mentally can easily lead a man to hell. Simply put; Allah (swt) may forgive Hakook Ullah but he may not forgive for our transgressions against other fellow human beings which we call Hakook-ul-Ibad; only if that person forgives our wrong doings toward them. That is why I always think that while we should treat everyone kindly and justly; we should be extra careful with people who we spend our most of life such as family members, close friends or neighbours etc etc. So, brothers should tread carefully but at the same time single sisters should also be careful when getting to know someone for marriage. This should be among the utmost priorities that how just the brother is in general life; you can tell a lot they way a brother speaks and treats people around him such as family and friends etc etc.
      I honestly request you to please leave this brother and move on; no matter how difficult it may be; it still is better than living a life of misery after marriage even if you both get married.
      I have seen sisters regretting their decision later in life after getting married and saying out loud that they wished if they had not married that person.
      whats worse is that we both volunteer for the same dawah organization, and attend their courses. i dont want to leave as im there for the sake of Allaah, but it literally KILLS seeing emails from him on the mailer. i also know he will end up marrying a sister within the organisation and i fearful of that day! plus everyone knew about us, and i just cannot face all the comments from the girls. no one wanted it to go ahead between us, and its not.
      Sister, since you are taking these courses to help Ummah then, how about taking a different route for a while such as browsing online resources, reading articles, searching particular websites etc etc. He will keep sending you e-mails but ball was in his court and he told you in clear terms that he can’t speak to his father? He is hell bound to make your life miserable by leaving you hanging in the middle and not allowing you to cut loose, heal and move on. Sister, since you are in dawah yourself; would you go against Allah (swt) by keeping in touch with him when you already know that it’s a dead end and he is their just for time pass. Also, to do dawah one must present themselves as obedient/observing/practising servant of Allah and believe in HIM whole heartedly which starts from very basic;
      I submit to Allah (swt) and whatever he does or chooses for me is for my own best interest; it may be painful but it will be beneficial in long term and human brain/intelligence can’t comprehend what HE (swt) plans for his beloved servant.
      When you will entrust yourself to Allah (swt) then he will do the best for you and you won’t even feel loss of anything. Regarding him marrying a sister from organisation or from elsewhere; we don’t know about that but again sister we can’t change people we can change ourselves which is only possible when we start practising patience and see the things critically as they happen around us rather than being in emotional state. Sister, those sisters (your colleagues) for whatever reason were against this relationship are hypocrites; who won’t want best for their brother or sister. What is the whole point of learning in that organisation when our own hearts and intention are not pure; isn’t it so that they should work on themselves first before going out and doing dawah?
      The whole point is that these people have made our religion look bad; what is wrong if a brother and sister are getting to know each other in halal set-up for the purpose of marriage? What is wrong if a sister chooses to approach a brother for marriage; isn’t it what Hazrat Khadija (R.A) did? This is the product of culture and media where a brother always approaches a sister for marriage; not the other way around. And if a sister approaches a brother for marriage and it doesn’t work for whatever reason; she is looked down upon. Sister, please stop worrying about these people who are not even practising themselves fully and just wearing a label of Muslim learning to do dawah.
      I will make some suggestions but I don’t know how practical are they because I don’t know what is pattern of these courses offered by your organisation such as their length, if there are any shift/timing pattern (morning, afternoon, evening classes, weekly or weekends etc etc)

      1- Sister, if your organisation offers same course in the evening or at weekends then you may take differing times from the one you are already studying.

      2- Can you not study online; either through your own organisation or other organisations offering online course depending upon your location, sparing time etc etc.

      3- How about taking a break for a while until current batch moves on and starting in the next term with new batch afresh.
      Sister, you can help Ummah in other ways too. I am sure just reading on this forum; you must have realised that how many brothers and sisters are in need of help all over the world. There are plenty of other projects where you can volunteer yourself; this will even help you to move on Insha Allah as a lot of your spare time will be occupied and you won’t have spare time to think about this brother.
      Where do you live; if you are educated then you can find work. It may not be easy given current financial situation but if you do some un-pain internship or part-paid with an organisation then I am sure you will find a way to secure a premanant job Insha Allah. There is always difficulty in the start sister; no one has it easy but if we start then we will be able to find the ways around difficulties that we face. Don’t just lock yourself up; go out and meet with friends; if you don’t have any friends then participate in charity events which is a great help to people in need and is very rewarding both in this world and hereafter.
      You can take some holidays and visit a different country or may be visit your family or friends in other city just to take your mind of this current situation and move on. Stay strong sister; believe me other people has it worst than yourself. You and other brother and sisters are in our prayers insha Allah.

      Please read these posts and in fact read all the articles as they are very helpful and great source of strength and will help you move on Insha Allah.

      Also sister, be careful in making friends who you hang around. Friends are those who inspire us, help us live a happy life and feel our pain and vice versa, not the ones who are happy to see us suffer. Also, being a brother; please please take extra care in choosing a spouse as this website is full of posts from sisters who made wrong choice and now they are in misery

      I pray to Allah (swt) to make things easier for you and help you overcome these feelings of being worthless, hopeless, and alienated or being a joke for everyone. (Amin)


  10. Asalaamu alaykum

    Jazak'Allaah khayr for all your kind words, and advice. I really appreciate it. May Allaah reward you all.

    I am honestly trying my best to accept it and move on. I have made a promise to myself that I will never contact him again, and insha'Allaah I wont.

    The dawah organisation is one of the biggest in the UK and America. They hold courses 4 times a year in each city. We both volunteer for our local city. He would not be emailing me directly, but I will see alot of communication from him on the organisations mailer. 4 times a year there will be a course we which both are preparing for, along with other brothers and sisters. this therefore means i will be seeing him, right infront of my face. the next course is 2 months away, and I am so panicked about it. i have already attended this course in a different city, so i do not necessarily have to attend it. but i think that if i didnt attend girls would know it is because I am weak and down about this. and i would eventually have to see them next year at the next course, or a sisters gathering.

    Im so panicked about seeing him- he wont see me as brothers be at the front and do not see the sisters, but he will be right there in front of my face! the thought of seeing him for 2 whole weekends, its just going to bring all my feelings back, i know it. how am i supposed to get over him when he is still there- i see emails, reminders from him on the mailer. if i leave, then its like i was there for him, and my intention was never for the sake of Allaah. i cannot volunteer for a different part of the organisation as it wouldnt make sense as this is my local one. even if i attend seminars in the other cities there is a big possibilty he could be at them too.

    how do i deal with this? most people who go through breaks up can cut complete contact, and its the whole out of sight, out of mind game. i

    and then the thought of him marrying a sister i know is really really getting me! i know its going to happen, and im not strong enough to deal with that on top of everything else. i know im thinking far ahead, but im thinking if he got married to a sister from the organisation, then everyone would get invited to the wedding- what am i going to do then??

    i wish either he or I could just disappear- so either way i dont have to deal with him again.

    There are worse problems in the world, i know. and people are suffering far worse than I am. I hate myself for being consumed with this completely

    • Salaam sister Ukhti. There is no need to be embarassed about what has happened. If you violated the boundaries that Allah has placed then you need to repent to Allah sincerely and make amends. But it doesnt matter what people say. Keep reminding yourself of that. If you honestly feel that seeing him will be that bad then don't go. It doesn't really matter if they gossip dear sister, let them. You can always make an excuse not to go. InshaAllah in two months you will be feeling stronger so just wait and see if you are able to go. Who knows, maybe Allah will put an obstacle in your way to prevent you from going.

      Leaving doesnt mean that your intention was never for Allah swt. Remind yourself that it was and still is for Allah swt. But sometimes the action may end up being detrimental. Let me give you an example. Brother A may attend a charity project every few months purely for Allahs sake. Of course shaytaan will try to change his intention. He occasionally works alongside sisters including sister A. He notices her, and feels she notices him. It turns into him looking forward to seeing her. In this case, even though the project is good and intention is good, it is better for him to leave it and find another project to protect himself and the sister from zina and also from distractions as well.

      Do not worry dear sister, Allah has a plan for you and everything will fall into place. Even if the thing you fear most happens, the fear of it is way worse than the actual thing. Busy yourself in other useful things and in time you will move on InshaAllah. x

      Sara Editor

  11. Could someone possibly comment on my recent reply please.. I am severly distressed. I have changed my number and right now don't feel like giving it to any of my friends! I know I cannot avoid everyone for ever but I just don't know what else to do 🙁

  12. My cousin has just passed away. May Allaah grant her a place in jannah.. But I keep wishing that was me. I wish I died. Im tired of the pains and the struggles in this world. I don't want to talk or deal with anyone ever again.. I want to just be returned to my Lord and leave this temporary world behind. I have no inner peace, I'm scared to sit and sleep alone because I know I will just think of him and miss him more. I look at my siblings that are married and I feel so alone and empty. I know I did wrong and trangsressed my limits but Allaah knows how remorseful I am. He threw al our plans and dreams away. And now he will share them with another sister- and the thought of that is killing me! I wish Allaah takes my life before that!

    • Sister sorry to hear about your cousin, may Allah (swt) grant her Jannah. Rest of what you said is so sad because you seem have kind of given up hope in Allah (swt) when you wish for death for yourself. No one knows when our time is up and why we are still here; may be in near future Allah (swt) wants to assign you a special task to help other human beings. Or simply when you move on from this experience; you might help others who are or have gone through similar problems. You are not the only person who is going through this and their is no magic wand to change how you feel in a day, week, month or even a year. Remember sister, our past and present experiences shape our personalities and our future. May be this was Allah's way to teach you that you should not attach yourself with someone of opposite gender no matter what. Even for marriage we are supposed to follow the set rules and guidelines not to get carried away with our feelings and emotions. The pain you are feelings is because of your attachment with this brother. In women's case it's way to hard to move on then it is in men's cases. So, keep up with your Ibadha sister and do as much dikr as you can because; surely in the remembrance of Allah (swt) hearts find peace.
      I don't like to go into my personal life but I have been their myself but only difference was that we never admitted this to each other, respected each other and wanted to not cross the limits and wait for the right time to get married. Things didn't work and we parted after dreaming of life together for over 15 years; we never were alone together, never called or spoke on this matter even when we could easily do that due the opportunities we had. Now, I can see why we couldn't make it to the end and I see the blessings in it; truly human intelligence is nothing as compared to Allah's Hikmah. It's only a matter of time when you look back and realise that it was for my own good; I respect her but I don't wish to see her again and want to settle down as soon as possible.
      This is what life is all about; I see that these things are works of shaytan coupled with our own emotions and feelings to make us stray from the right path; the path to please our lord. Do we think about other issues, matters or things when we are sitting in exam; definitely not because, we know that we have limited time to answer as much question as we can to pass that exam at least if not being able to achieve distinction or position in the class. Same is the case with this worldly life; these experiences are test for us from Allah (swt) to see how we deal and get out of that situation using our human intelligence and more importantly what we learn and for how long we stick to that lesson.
      Your hopelessness and being miserable made me write this reply sister besides you have said that you have been reading this website but I fail to see that you have picked up any lesson or learnt anything. Do you think that other people on this forum who have posted or people you meet in your life have it easy; NO but everyone has their way of dealing with the situation and time to heal. So, if you spend hours and hours on net, listening lecture, reading article or simple life stories of people who have survived difficult times in their life the you should ask yourself; have I learnt anything or am I just wasting my time? Personally and my team would love to help you sister but isn't it unfair on others who are even suffering with worst problem in their life; we are just taking their time. I suggest sister that use your own knowledge, time and resources to help others and then come back after a while and tell me how did it help you move on from your own problem. You are welcome to write here again but their is no quick fix to your problem or to heal, it will take time but in the mean time what you have learnt in your courses, apply that to help people in difficulties.

      May Allah (swt) have mercy upon you and other brothers and sisters who are going through similar or other issues in their lives. Amin



  13. I want to die. Honestly. All I am praying for is that Allaah takes my life, be it in my sleep or getting brutally ran over.

  14. Im really sorry to bother you all.. but I need some real advice about something. As you know, we were volunteers for the same organisation, in our local city. We both work for them.. I see emails from him on the mailer, reminders, work emails etc. 4 times a year we hold seminars, and i will always see him as brothers be at the front. The thought of that is already killing me. Everytime I kind of feel ok, I check my phone and see an email from him, and Im back to square one. I honestly do not know what to do- for the sake of Allaah I joined and I must say. But its also affecting me. If I leave for abit, I will look like a total joke. all the girls will know and I will have to face them at some point. Its the best organisation for seminars, but the whole thing reminds me of him. im even scared to attend a seminar in a different city incase I see him there. Plus everyone knew about us, and I cannot face it all.

    as self pitying as this sounds, I am still praying for my death and wishing for this pain to end...

    • Sister,
      No one can heal your pain except you and Allah. Everyone here has given you true and logical answers. Please, read them and follow them. You keep mentioning it hurts you when you see his name and them you mention that if I leave the organization.. Allah will be unhappy with you. Also, you will be mocked by all the girls if you Leave the organization.
      Sister, first and foremost how come anyone here will help you if you don't want to help yourself. Why are you so concerned what others will think about you. People will laugh at you.. They will talk behind your back but does that really matter. I mean seriously think about it can you stop someone not talking about you. Who has to talk about you at your back they will talk no matter how pure or good you are. You can't change them. You can only change yourself. Your situation is in your hand. Why will Allah (swt) will get angry if you leave the organization. He (swt) knows what you are going through. He understands our pain more then any person in this world. If you want to help and serve for sake of Islam. You can do it in other ways also. However, if you are still concerned of all this then be strong and face everyone. Situation is in your hand not ours. You have to help yourself and make a change. We can't help you in that. Only you can and Allah will. Be strong sister. Why are you so concerned about him when he is not. Stop asking things from human.. Ask from Allah. Ask Him (swt) to make re situation easy for you.
      Sister, we all understand your pain but it's time for you to get up, hold on the situation and come out of it. I hope I havnt offended you in anyway.
      May Allah(swt) ease your difficulty and pain and brigs you out of this situation.

  15. AOA Ukti, I have just read your post and have realised that my post has been closed and so I am not able to reply!!!! I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice, it was nice to find this site and be able to ask for the advice of my muslim brothers and sisters as I dont have any muslim friends and am an only child. Im sure intentions were good but it was a bit abrupt for wael to close my post so soon without me having read any posts or being given the chance to reply!

    Anyway ukti, i have spoken to this guy again after a very very long time and i have realised how immature he is. Yes we had a physical relationship and yes we 'loved' each other but he was not sincere. I really dont think we should waste anymore of our precious time dwelling over our past with these men! Lets move on, be happy and inshallah pray to Allah that we soon find suitable companions who will love us unconditionally and help us fulfil our deen. having said that i do still feel down at times but its temporary and goes away when i realise that anything that has happened has happened for the best and there is no point crying over spilt milk but to think of our futures ahead.

    I will be here to provide you with support anytime you need it. 🙂

  16. Asalaamu alaykum wahrahmatullah

    I sincerely pray you are all well insha'Allaah.

    Firstly jazak'Allaah khayr to all those who took their time out to reply to me and provide me with advice. I really appreciate it, and may Allaah reward you.

    Secondly, I wanted to let you know that my depression is slowly lifting somewhat, alhamdulilah. I am not feeling as low as I did. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me

    I do however need some advice on a matter if that is ok- as I have previously we were volunteers and attended the same seminars with the most popular institute in our city. I am already having panic attacks about attending the next course, as i never wish to see him again. i do not even want to see mutual accquaintances, or his family. i literally want to have nothing to do with him, or people i knew because of him. so what do i do? never attend seminars again from this organisation? deal with people gossiping about me not attending, or not attending for now, and then maybe attending later seminars? what is girls ask me? this is one of the biggest things that keeps me awake at night and worries me all the time.

    i am still grieving for him, im really hurt and angry too, and i just do not know what to do. its petty problems, i know, but its something that is causing me problems mentally and emotionally, so i need some good advice about what to do in this matter. - please bear in mind, these things are not that straight forward, when it comes to the heart, it can be really difficult to do the right thing, or just attend for the sake of Allaah. im scared of myself, in the sense that im scared of triggering emotions, hence me being anxious now.

    Jazak'Allaah khayrun in advance

    • Dear Ukti_F, Walaykumsalaam,

      I am glad to hear that your depression is slowly lifting. Of course it will take time, but inshaAllah you will get there.

      I can understand that you do not want to see this man ever again, I also think it is a very positive step that you are feeling this. Also that you want to avoid places that he may be. Right now, you need to take care 'No. 1' and 'No. 1' is 'You'. So if you feel better by not having to see him, then leave the courses you are attending for a while. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal and recover. Let people talk and say what they want - just make up an excuse. If they want to believe it, fine. If not, thats not your problem.

      Speak to Allah tonight in your Salaah. Talk to Him(swt) - tell Him(swt) what you feel. You are leaving the classes not because you do not care about your deen, but because you do. You are leaving for a while, so you can protect your nafs from being over-ridden by painful feelings. Let yourself heal, then re-assess how you feel about the classes in a few months time. In the meantime, find something else productive to fill your time with. Go to another Islamic Institute, inshaAllah this way you will make new friends too and it will be refreshing for you.

      Do Isitkhara before you make your move and I pray that Allah(swt) makes this path easy and fruitful for you.

      SisterZ Editor

      • Jazak'Allaah khayr for your reply sister!

        I also think that this is the best solution, but what further bothers me (yes i am a worry bag) is that when i do decide to attend, how silly will I look infront of the institute community, and how much harder will it be for me to then attend? (later i mean) hope that makes sense...

        • Dear Sister,

          Why will you look silly? You just say you were busy with family matters or something else. Depending on we say to people we can choose to make ourselves look either 'silly' or 'not silly'. So give your fellow students a simple reason for why you are leaving and stick to that reason, don't show them your pain. You can show your pain to Allah(swt) and to those who sincerely care about you. If your fellow students dont want to believe you, thats not your problem really - is it?

          Anyhow, who knows, in a few months, you may have found better classes to attend.


          • Does everybody else agree that I should do that?

            Thank you Sister Z

          • AOA ukti,
            Yes I would agree with the advicce given. Take tme out and focus on yourself, build up your positive energy, stay happy and take care of yourself. When you are feeling sttrong and more confident, re-attend these classes with enthusiasm! Dont worry too much about what others might say, just do what is right for your wellbeing 🙂

  17. Thank you for your replies.

    Yes I really do not want to see him again. I feel like all the pain and anger will start to feel so raw again. I cannot handle that! These kinds of worries really boggle my mind and stop me from moving forward and getting on with my life. I will miss the seminars, and the enjoyment that comes from them, so I am hurt that I will never be attending them again as it will be too hurtful. I really have so much anger and hurt towards him 🙁

    This website is brilliant. Thank you to everyone

    • Assalamualaykum Sister Ukti_F

      I really need help. I am going through the exact same situation right now. Alhamdulillah, I found your forum. I was engaged for about 4 months, and the it all just blew up. I was defamed, and my family was too. That's what killed me. I am very soft, that's why it took so long to break off. I regret not breaking it sooner. I realize that deep inside, I ignored the problems and hoped they would go away. I wasn't strong enough and tried to ignore the problems for too long. My fiancé did not even contact me. I was left to fend for myself. I make shukr that we do not live in the same city.

      What really bothers me is what people say and the lies that are said. I know I shouldn't, Allah is watching and it washing away my sins. But I worry because I still want to get married Inshallah,and it feels that all this gossip is ruining me.

      Alhamdulillah, I was also brought up strict and always try to do the right thing. This was my first relationship and it started with the intent to get married. I had no prior experience because of my strict upbringing. Please help me. I feel the same emotions that you went through. I am trying, I read the book duas for the contentment of the heart and have turned to Allah. I realize now that I was saved from a difficult future and I make shukr for that. I really need help in coping. I am a student and I feel emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I have never been through something as hurtful and difficult as this.


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