Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Ashamed to return to Allah

Shame and guiltSalam Aleykum everybody. I need help regarding something I'm living since 3 years now. I really hope that you will help me by the will of Allah 🙂 I'm conscious that this is a typical story but I really think this would help me inshAllah.

I'm French. Three years ago, I started university. I'm in the medical field elhamdulillah.

In our first year, we have to pass a big examination to fully have access to medical school. I was stressed, anxious, I feared losing, and I was not close to Allah. I was praying but ... I was also continuously sinning at the same time. I had made many forbidden things, and it pushed me away from Allah. I loved my sins.

But I loved Allah also. Allah is my Rabb, everything that I had, He was the One who gave me everything, Who cared for me the most, I loved His love and the feeling of being loved by Allah. I loved doing things for His sake, following His Rasool, Muhammad, Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam, I loved being a muslim, I loved my religion, everything in it. But these sins and passions were drowning my love? I couldn't leave them. I was asking forgiveness for it, but could not let them, it was a passive repentance.

Once I started feeling that fear that couldn't go, I turned to Allah. At the beginning I did not want to because I meant that I would have to leave theses silly sins that I liked too much ... But still, I kept on asking Allah, with full confidence that He will answer my prayers. But the stress kept accumulating. To the point where I would love to be dead and not feel this anxiety, this fear of not having my exam. At this peak point I asked myself, why Allah is not accepting my dua ? And I instinctively thought :"It's because of these sins I have a made." And again, I instinctively thought "Allah must not love me right now". And this was the beginning. This thought broke me.

I have never thought I would have thought this in my life. Never. I thought, "Whit everything that Allah gave you, all the Love, care, support, that He gave you, The Only One that Will care for you, Love you, The Only One that will be by your side, you MANAGED to get Allah angry ..." And that broke me. I've never been like that. I've always lived by the love of Allah. Always acted with people for the love of Allah. Being kind to everybody. I got fooled by my desires. And I there were plenty thing that I didn't know in the religion ... But now, I had managed to get my One and Only Friend angry. He is my personality, I had based my personality, my heart, my conduct, on His love.

I cried. There were two particular sins that I was holding responsible for my state. I immediately hated right at that moment. I instinctively told Allah that I will never ever do these sins again (and I was 1000000% honest) and I asked Allah to forgive me.

I instinctively made wudu, prayed and as I started praying, a thought striked me "Allah doesn't want your salat anymore" Since then I've never had a normal salat. 

I kept praying, finished it and raised my hand to make dua. I started talking normally again to Allah. So I asked "Ya Allah, please, take this stress, this fear out of me" like I used to do.

And at that moment, I felt something. I felt like "Wait, you just thought that Allah did not like you and you are going to come back to Allah just like that ?" I felt arrogant, ashamed to come back to Allah just like that, after thinking that he didn't liked me, assuming that He forgave me, that He loved me back, assuming that I could talk back to Him normally. I felt arrogant doing that.

And I know what you are going to tell me: it's from shaytaan. But whenever I think this, it's like there is in enemy in my head, my own feeling not letting me. My me that said "After everything Allah gave you, you went, and corrupt your relationship with Him." is not letting me. (I don't have a mental illness elhamdulillah), but my own conscious, my own self, I, am not letting me go to Allah. Since then, it's the same thing. 3 years and I still have the same problem. 3 years that I can make a normal salat, I can't normally make dua.

Now, I've been fighting since then. A lot. But now I'm afraid, have I made something to have that ? Or it is the waswas ? Because I have told myself from the beginning, "Allah will take me out of this, Allah will take me out of this, Allah will take me out of this ..." But now, it starts to be a little bit long. My faith took some serious damage but elhamdulillah in all cases, it could be worse.

I had multiple solution since the beginning, but I have by mistake not took one of them. Just recently I've started listening to these solution.

First I had told myself: "These are waswas" but then I told myself "But I really FEEL these things, I really FEEL, that i cannot go back to Allah like that, I need a SIGN that He loves me again, that I can come back to Him, because otherwise, I feel to ashamed, to arrogant to assume that, 'it's ok, it's over, i can talk back to Allah normally.'. " And felt lower

Then I looked for answers on internet and I learned about the mercy of Allah, but still I was not satisfied, I had the thought  "I want something for my case specially that meant that Allah loved me." So I felt even lower.

Then I thought, "I'm still going to make dua to Allah, even though I think that I cannot talk to Him normally like before, and He will get me out of this 'And surely, I think that was the best solution' but I had the thought 'But you have to be with Allah to make dua to Him !' " And I felt even lower.

And because I had no answers, no direct sign to satisfy my heart, I felt lower and lower.

I started thinking "Allah doesn't want me to think good of people". "Allah doesn't want my good thoughts" "Allah doesn't want my love for quran, for good people, for pious things" "Allah doesn't want my good actions" "Allah doesn't want my dua" "Allah is angry at me" "I'm like the pharaoh" "I'm a hypocrite" and lower and lower and lower and lower. I really thought that Allah was angry x1000000 at me.

Here I am. I used to read quran. I don't read anymore. I never let prayer, I always strived to make it, at work, in school, at the hospital, in the library. I make it because I am afraid to think that Allah will hate me even more. Since then, everything that I made, I made with the fear that Allah will hate me even more. I'm really, really, really in an extremely dark place.

I thought these thing because, I was thinking "Why Allah has still not taking me out of there ?"

Also, I thought that maybe Allah will have pity on me with all these negative false thoughts.

Now, you can't imagine how my heart is. I will not talk about it. I just hope, that all of this is just me and waswas. And that none of this is because of Allah.

Also I never made dua to Allah to take me out of this (except these 2-3 days) because I thought "Allah will take me out of this, it is a trial." Also, I had a hard time telling myself that the thoughts that I had were waswas because I felt like I just tried to convince me of something not true. And I thought, "If these are waswas, Allah will not let me think those things". And I the thought that I had to convince myself that I have been forgiven, wasn't convincing me.

But I start to understand that it was all waswas. And I consciously accepted these waswas. I just made, at each step, the wrong choice.

There is nothing left inside me. I just feel like an empty house, with only the walls.

I think that I am responsible for where I'm standing at right now. I just desperately wanted that feeling of shame to go, so I thought everything that shouldn't, because I thought Allah will have pity on me and will take me out of this, so I kept putting myself.

The solutions were so simple, yet I have chosen everytime not to apply it.

These last month were hard, very hard. Not a lot of sleep.

But elhamdulillah.

Oh and yes, I did not wanted to make dua because i thought (waswas again, I know), "I can't be patient with my relationship with Allah ! I love Allah, I have to be with Allah !" And I thought that it was the right thing to do, like, I thought I was doing something good, worthy of praise, because I was attached to my relationship with Allah. Yes, again, the devil. And again, saying this, I felt like I was convincing myself but no, it's the truth.

Now, what I have to do: asking Allah for forgiveness for this path that I took,, theses thoughts that I had, and that led me too ... Asking Allah to take me out of this this dark place, and to grant me a good and normal relationship with Him. But I'm blocked.

Writing this down already helped me a lot. I see my own mistakes and the solutions are in my head elhamdulillah. I just have to be willing to apply them and to be patient. I've took a big hit but I have always been conscious that all these things were just in my head.

There is juste one thing that bother me: I wanted my relationship with Allah without me asking. I thought first that "I have to be with Allah, and feel like I can talk to Allah normally to get out of this" and even after that i thought "If I ask Allah, it is going to take time, Allah will not answer me directly, I'm still going to suffer and I don't want to, I want feel loved by Allah right now ..." So I did not ask Him and tried to solve this problem on my own. But it has been 3 years now that I cant be with Allah normally ... I should've asked Allah before, but it was hard ... It's hard asking Allah something when you think that you can't talk to Him ...

I'm just blocked. When I try to talk back to Allah, I either feel anxious that I don't know if Allah like me or not (since I have been traumatized by the thought "Allah may not love me right now") or I feel awkward, arrogant, assuming that Allah loves me after thinking that I made him angry.

Anyways ... If you can help me, please, thank you 🙂

- Good


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7 Responses »

  1. Astagfiruilaah ..yes the solution is Astagfar.
    Read your essay and you will find your peace with Allah -InshaAllaj.
    Ignore all the Shayani tricks playing in your head/heart. Allah knows how you feel. Allah knows what you do and what you do Not.. Go to Masjid if you can safely do so.
    I recommend you click on the link .
    InshaAllah you are trying. Shaytan has openly chalange Allah SwT & swored to deviate mankind to commite sin & Allah mercy is far greater then his wrath, so brother don’t lose hope.
    Let The cursed Shaytan do the runner. Stay firm in your belief— SalaH & saber with persistence in you faith,

    words of remembrance and supplication for the morning, evenings. Download morning and evening Adhkar ..

  2. Assalamu'alaikum,
    1) Renew your vows with Allah. Start afresh. Tell yourself that today is the first day of the rest of your life and that now onwards, you will do things the proper way. Bismillah
    2) It is a journey. Imaan is a journey on its own. It fluctuates. But surely, Allah knows how you feel. Take things step by step. At first, it might be that you still have bad thoughts. But gradually, as you build your relationship with Allah again, you will feel this peace inside that only Allah gives(as the sign that you've been looking for).
    3) As ZW, Keep up with the Istighfaar. Start and never stop. Keep going.
    4) For the Waswas, here is what I found from my research on the subject- "This is not the first or the last time that the believers have been exposed to this. It will continue so long as there is any believer in this world. The Sahabah/Companions of the Prophet (may Allah be pleased with them) also faced this problem. It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “Some of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said to him, ‘We find in ourselves thoughts that are too terrible to speak of.’ He said, ‘Are you really suffering from that?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘That is a clear sign of faith.’” (Muslim). - Source: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/12315/suffering-from-waswas-insinuating-whispers-of-the-shaytan-about-the-essence-of-allah
    5) Do not be worried or feel arrogant to seek from Allah for who else will help us out? Seek refuge from the waswas from Allah SWT. He is the only one who will free you.
    6) Try and try and keep trying. Allah loves those who try.
    7) Try watching this series. It brought me a great deal of peace personally.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_VDvY0v-bo&list=PLQ02IYL5pmhHLgbkpUu1a5igh6Hsff0eY
    I wish you all the very best. InChAllah, everything will be fine and your relationship will be the most blessed It's ever been.

  3. Aleykum Salam ! Thank you !

    I didn't thought people would take time to help me !

    May Allah bless you !

    I jave thought of that. I've thought of 'start afresh', but, I don't know, I don't want to let this like that. I really want to "breakthrough". I really want to "repair" things and not 'abandon'.

  4. Salam !

    So I come back here just to tell you that I understood elhamduliLLAH why I was blocked, and give the solution so that other people may benefit from it.

    I was blocked by the fact that I thought "Allah doesn't love me".

    Why ? Because for me, Allah forgave us because he loves us, so "if He is angry at me, how can He forgive me?" I thought.

    First, you can't even be sure that Allah is angry at you, or that it is a punishment and not a test.

    And then, Allah forgives, and loves back. We have plenty exemple of people who where doing very evil, bad things and they have regretted, asked Allah for forgiveness, promised to never do it again and: they have been totally forgiven.

    So, YES Allah forgives even though we have fallen the lowest possible and He loves.

    • Alhamdulillah, I'm glad you have understood that Allah loves and cares about you, and that Allah is Al-Ghafoor, The All-Forgiving. Allah SWT has said that He forgives all sins; so it's not up to you to dispute this or disbelieve in it.

      Please also read SisterZ's excellent article on this website:

      It's not over ’til the Trumpet is Blown – Sin and Repentance in Islam

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Thank you for the article ! It's also what I needed !!

        "1. Anas(ra) said: Allah's Messenger(saw) said: "Allah is more pleased with the repentance of his slave than anyone of you is pleased with finding his camel which he had lost in the desert." [Bukhari]"

        "Some of the Rewards for turning back to Allah: Allah will remit your evil deeds, He will bring you into Gardens with rivers flowing underneath, Your light will run before you on your right side, Allah will Love you and you will not be wronged at all."

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