Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I still love my ex and want divorce but my husband and my parents don’t understand this.

Divorce decree

Assalam O Alaikum,

I'm 26 years old female from Pakistan. I got married 2 years back at the age of 24 with a next door neighbor of mine. The marriage was fully arranged and it was my parent's will that I get married there. However I wanted to marry someone else who I loved deeply. I couldn't mention it to my parents back then because I knew they would never agree to it and also they will be very distant and sad because of me. I didn't want to hurt them so I decided to get married to whomever they want; hoping my life will b better. My engagement lasted for around one and a half year. My husband and I used to talk on phone to get to know each other with my parents consent. I realized before marriage that we have a lot of personality clashes n thinking difference that we might can't get along. Since I couldn't tell my parents to dissolve the engagement, I told my husband to end it from ur side as I being a Pathan girl couldn't do so. Also, somewhere back in my heart, I was always praying to Allah to get my love back and some miracle happens and I get marry to the person I love.

My husband refused to dissolve the engagement because he thought I was being illogical or maybe because of social pressure. 2 years have passed by after our marriage and I still can't forget my old love. I have tried hard to love my husband, but whenever I see him, I think of my beloved. Whenever he comes near me, it displeases me. We don't have any children. My husband has some problem which he is getting treated for last 2 years but still no hope. I try to obey and do everything he wants so that maybe I start loving him. But fact is, I can never give this place to anyone other than my old love. I am very tensed. I started thinking over what really needs to b done to get things right since I and my husband can't live like this forever. I feel bad for him too that he is married to a women who loves someone else and even though she sleeps with him, she thinks of someone else. I want to get rid of this feeling. I can't mislead my husband anymore. I can't even tell him I love someone else. I talked to him about dissolution of this marriage giving him reasons that we don't have understanding; we don't have any relationship; I don't love him and that we should stop this marriage.

He is still not convinced to give me divorce. I told my family too the same reasons and because if social pressure, they are not willing either. I got so frustrated just after one year of marriage that I attempted suicide. And now by the end of 2 years, I find myself on the someplace that I want this marriage to end or else I will do suicide again, the person that I used to love is still single and willing to accept me if my husband divorces me. I can't tell my family or my husband that I want to end this marriage because I want to marry someone else. No one will understand my situation and think I am being very childish. Also, if I don't marry the guy I will die because living with my husband like this forever is more painful.
Please guide me what to do. I totally understand that Allah doesn't like divorce. But I am in such a complicated situation where I can't do justice with my husband and ruining his life too if he wants to marry somewhere else n live in peace. Help me please and guide me what to say to my husband and parents about this.

Mobilemam


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36 Responses »

  1. Very common issue and before I say anything else, I want to start by saying you clearly do not know how wrong it was to marry someone when your heart was elsewhere.

    Your husband is completely innocent in this and the very least he deserves is to be treatedt with the utmost of care.

    You had a haraam relationship, the devil in you desires that haraam to return. Why would you want the evil side of you to come back when you have something pure and good in yoru husband?

    Suicide is a very selfish act, even more selfish than marrying someone when you're heart is not there.

    You want your so called "love" and your "happiness", well stand up for yourself, make the decision to divorce and marry him, otherwise and this might be harsh, but it's honest, stop your soap opera style dramas and look at the kind man you are married to and how wise your parents were in picking someone who clearly wants the marriage to work.

    You have not listen any flaws in your husband, which indicates he is a good man, I'm sure you realise this.

    LET THIS BE A LESSON TO EVERYONE, PRE-MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS RUIN PEOPLE, THEY RUIN MARRIAGES AND THEY RUIN FAMILIES.

    • John - you have assumed that this sister had a 'haraam relationship' before she got married.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • John, I completely agree with you - haram relationships ruin a person, and in some cases their families. Unfortuntely I had to learn the hard way. May Allah swt help all those in difficult situations and guide us all to the right path, ameen.

    • Shame on u... She is a human being.. She made huge mistake i agree.. Bt she is admitting it.. Why are u so rude to her.. Whats done is done.. Good or bad .. Dnt make her feel low or guilty for the sins she is already feeling guilty or low for them . Dnt u know our society.. Our parents emotional blackmailing thing.. Our societal pressure to get married as soon as possible.. There are million of reasons behind doing something which she dnt realy wana do.. Still ppl shame her .. Bt nobody cares how and why she is in this mess at first place .. M not supporting haraam relationship.. Bt m not supporting forced marriages either.. Can u for 1 second realised she allowed her husband to touch her without her consent so many times.. Technically she felt like rape bt she didn't do anything.. Yessssss haraam relationship is biggg sin.. Maybe InshaAllah she will repent .. Bt how unfair and sinful this is to forced a girl to live and do sex with someone she dnt wana do for the rest of her life.. Ryt now the pain she is going through is incomparable with the tensions of her family.. She is sinner .. Hate the sin.. And save her.. Sister u should go to some mufti or imaam ask for khulla.. U suffered 5 years. N thats enough.. Go and get married to someone u realy love .. Ask for forgiveness and ease from Allah .. And onlyyyyyyy worried abt Allah .. Seek forgiveness for ur haraam relationship.. Make it halal.. U gave enough of ur time to husband.. If still not feeling anything.. Leave her.. Our emotions are so dear to Allah .. He will surely help u .. And make a way for way.. InshaAllah..

      • The world needs more people like you, dear friend.... You just understand her pain very well

        • Dear, people who are not supporting or feeling her pain are those who believe that women have no rights and they have to adjust their life whatever the hell situation is . Even Allah has given a way to get rid off through khula. This shoud take step and take khula and must do marriage to her love.

      • Completly agree with mariamaz

  2. John

    "PRE-MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS RUIN PEOPLE, THEY RUIN MARRIAGES AND THEY RUIN FAMILIES."

    Pre-Maritial relationship does not = ruined marriages and family. It depends on the circumstances. Your answers are always Black & White...sorry to say this.

  3. I'm with John on this. I think if we were to think of what is most probable in the case of this questionner, it was some form of pre marital relationship. If that was not the case then it becomes very difficult to "love deeply" someone if everything was to be conducted islamically , as well to then not forget this person after being married to someone else.

    In 99.9% of cases, where you are "deeply in love" with someone and cannot forget them, it is because limits have been crossed for it to have developed to that level.

    However, I know the argument against this - we should think well of our fellow Muslims. So we can assume that this sis mobilemam didn't have pre marital relationship. But then this sister claims that her "beloved" will accept her if she was to be divorced. Firstly, it is extremely inappropiate and sinful for a Muslimah to be calling someone else their 'beloved' when they have a husband. This is a minor form of betrayal at the very least. Secondly, how is she aware that this man is going to accept her, were she to be divorced and that he is still single etc?
    This is too much for us to 'assume' that everythings happened and is happening the halaal way. To give a realistic answer to her situation, we have to derive realistic conclusions from the information she has provided.

    Whatever it was, pre marital relationship or an innocent love, it is now something that is causing her difficulty in her current life. So lets try to deal with that.

    I dont really know what to advice you, your situation is a little difficult. Personally, I would say give this marriage a go. As John has said - it seems like your husband is a decent man as you have not complained about him in this post. Also, in todays world where many men rush towards divorcing their wife over trivial issues, this man is mature enough to understand the gravity of issues like marriage and divorce and wants to avoid it. He wants to give it a go, I think you should too.

    I sincerely think that the reason why you haven't been able to build a healthy romantic relationship with your husband is because your mind and heart has been and clearly still is somewhere else. You need to get thoughts of this other man out of your head - as impossible as it may seem to you now, know that with sincere dua to Allah and constant effort, anything is impossible. Especially if you are asking for something to turn from the haraam into halaal in your life! Ask yourself this question...have you sincerely tried to forget this other man? I dont think you have ever really wanted this before hence it has never happened. First atleast try to be sincere in this and give your husband a chance and a place in your heart. That is not going to happen when you love,think and pray for this other man. All your efforts should be in trying to forget him and distance him from your to the max. Have you done this atleast?

    And to burst your bubble sis...you may think life will be better with this other man because you 'love' him..know that it will be as much of a gamble starting life with him as it has been with ur current husband. Atleast with your husband, you have now seen the results and know what kind of a man he is...with the man you love, you "think" love is sufficient in making you happy? Sister you can love someone and be happy with them for years and years without living with them. But living with someone under the same roof and in the same bed, its totally different; thats when the real person comes out. Thats why you see the kuffar who are happily in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for years but when they get married, they break up 6 months into the marriage.
    Living with someone as their spouse requires a lot of sacrifice, commitment, maturity and respect to make it work. And I hope you have thought about what are the chances of this other man being a good "husband" (not lover)?

    I don't want you to go through all this and lose your husband, earn your family's displeasure, be defamed in your community, only to then marry your 'beloved' but realise that life is not as rosy as you thought it would be with him.

    So many women have done this..just have a read at what some women have posted here who have gone through this. They have not appreciated their husbands, got a divorce and when married to their previous lovers, Allah has made them realise just how much they had which they were ungrateful for.

    Very importantly, work on your relationship with Allah (Swt). Then you would not "die" for anybody but Him. Pray your 5 daily prayers and read the Quran with translation. Not only will it help heal your pain and give comfort to your soul, but it will aid you in your understanding of Islam and how to deal with life and its trials.

    I pray you are guided towards that which is best for you , Ameen.

    Was salaam

    • I agree with Faith.

      But one thing I must add is that many problems stem from very poor parenting. Parents must learn to 'listen and hear' their children, they must learn to respect their feelings and choices and guide them - but not control and take over their decision making. Alot of these issues could be saved from develoing into 'problems' if children were not emotionally forced into marriage in the first place. The relationship between parent and child makes a great difference.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. follow your heart life is to short to be living a life your not happy with...sometimes u cant please everyone and you cant make everyone happy so at least make your self happy xxx

  5. Agreed. Mr John [was] also popular for his extreme answers on Ummah's forums. Please include references that support your argument John. Pre-marital relationships can be done in a halal manner and can lead into marriage with he presence of a wali

    • Where can one draw a line on pre-marital relationships?

      "Pre-marital relationships can be done in a halal manner and can lead into marriage with he presence of a wali"

      How can they be done in halal manner? In presence of wali its only few meetings, I doubt a Wali will go on dates with a couple. And since its few meetings how can it become a relationship?

      Can you include references from life of Prophet or Sahabah where they had pre-marital relationships?

      BTW, thinking logically, Given a man is allowed four marriages at a time. if we include the condition that he is allowed to have pre-marital relationships also. How can a man who is married once can be stopped to not have another pre-marital relationship with another woman, after she is his prospective "spouse". What about the pre-marital relationship for third and fourth marriages? Where will this stop?

      May Allah Guide us all.

      regards,

    • i agree with Normal Poster

  6. i think the questioner is at fault . she developed premarital relationship which is clearly prohibited. to all those people who are saying that premarital relationship can also be legal and right . what sort of islam are you trying to display. The questioner uses the word (ex) , what do u mean by ex , ex boyfriend ?. it is pretty clear that the relationship was unislamic , with no wali present , islamic boundries violated . if the relationship was to be done in a islamic fashion , the questioner would not have been so attached to him . the questioner has or has not intentionally omitted the type and details of the relationship she had . may be she is hiding something . one thing is for sure that the relationship with the ex was unislamic as there was no wali or guardian present . it is better for the questioner to leave this marriage if she does not love her husband whole heartedly . she should stop this injustice and allow her husband to find a pious woman.

  7. The fact that you may never have children from this marriage has been completly brushed aside!.
    If as you say the problem is in your husband then that alone is sufficent reason to leave him.

    I know people have asked you to try working on the marriage. I'd say, don't bother. You've been in it for two years and you've betrayed your good husband time and time again. Walk away and set him free to be happy with another woman.

  8. First mistake and wrong she committed against her husband is to have married him and loved someone else.
    Then whilst married to have constantly thought of someone else, to be sleeping with him but thinking of another man.
    Then for her to still be in contact with this other man in whatever form whilst being married to her husband - how else would she know that he will marry her if he divorced her?

    Come on people, she was not someone who was flown back home, with mehndi then nikah then waleemah one after another. She had ONE AND A HALF YEARS of engagement period where she was conversing with her current husband. This in itself tells me that her parents were not the jaahil type who would give their daughter to someone without her even knowing him etc.

    Look at it from her husbands point of view..he didnt and still doesnt know anything about this 'other man'...a woman talks to him for one a half years and says ah nah mate, we cant get along for this and that reason.
    She didnt expose the real reason so naturally, any other reason she gave probably did sound 'illogical' to her fiance and parents. Plus even then, im sure she was not forced to sit down in nikah, with a stick in her parents hands or her husbands telling her to say "I accept."

    Because of her mistake and weakness of not even ONCE admitting the truth to her parents or having enough courage to just speak up and say 'No, I dont want this man and thats it'...why should her innocent husband suffer more?

    She has mentioned her husband clearly wants to make it work and stay in the marriage. So all those who are doing the husband a favour and 'releasing' him need to realise that... he does not want a divorce. Because he obviously doesnt even know the truth. Maybe if she were to offer him the truth, he would divorce her but that would cause her heartache so nobody is telling her to do that. Well..if she was to leave him and marry the other man, do you really think her husband wouldnt know then the real reason for the divorce?
    It would come out anyway, especially in a pakistani community and the husband will find out so for people telling her to leave this man without even telling him the truth as to why his marriage has been a failure so far, atleast give her husband a chance to decide what 'he' wants to do after knowing the truth perhaps?

    I think for her to "release" this man is even more selfish, atleast without telling him the reason and making it sound like this marriage broke down because of "both" of us. If she has suffered, her husband has only suffered more. She is suffering because of her own mistakes whereas her husband is suffering because of hers. Who should be shown more compassion?

    Also , as for the point about her husband not being able to conceive, she did mention that he is getting treatment for it. So only when all hope is lost can she be excused for wanting to divorce. Clearly her reasons for wanting a divorce now is not that.

    I understand that social pressure and specifically being pressured by parents is difficult for a girl. She must have been in a difficult situation, undoubtedly, but i find it hard to believe that it would have been detrimental to her life had she refused to marry this man.
    Doing the right thing in life is most of the times the harder option. She faced it once and ran away from it. And now that she has faced it again, i believe she wants to do the same thing - take the easy option of divorcing him.

    Plus, I would have perhaps adviced her to yeah go for it -divorce him and marry the other man had there been any guarantee that she'd be happy with him. If she claimed her husband mistreats her that the other one was a pious man, it would be something worth it. But other than her 'feelings' for this other man, no reason is given as to why she prefers him over her current husband.

    Sometimes in life , if we sacrifice for the sake of Allah and our parents or spouse, Allah rewards us immensely,..and makes us content in the end.

    Was salaam

  9. slm dear u wana commit suicide? and Allah says in the holy quraan he who kills himself Allah is merciful but he will be put into hell..... so u think hell is better then a lost love? cud u jump into the fire and burn yourself to death for a lost love? ok u myt say yes.... but in hell u wont die ull burn forever,,,, and wer will ur lost love b? wil he help u? will he even care? my dear think use ur brain pls.... ok i agree with u give hubby a divorce give him KHUL islamic divorce for women wer u giv back his mehr money Allah has allowed this its in the quraan ..... then go to ex pls do u think its gona b happy ever after? wat if ex start beating u start chaeting on u and then wat? no marriage is perfect..... some even worse then wat marriage u r in now but u knw wat go back to x and c for yourself coz ppl only listen wen they experiance it and wen its to late to turn back well go for it....

  10. Hi Sister,

    Its good for ur husband, if u divorce him.Beacuse U had 3.5 years of relationship(1.5 yr of engagement period and 2 yrs of marriage period) with your husband and within this short time u have tried 2 suicide attempts.I wonder if your family or husband never questioned you about suicide attempts and find out the real reason.You are even saying u will try for thrird time for suicide if u continue to be in this marraige.What if u try and killed yourself by mistake(sorry,sorry i really dindt mean it and i pray it shud not happen).Your husband will be in more and more problem.

    Before I sugesst you , I want you to think of below question.

    1) Say suppose, if u got the divorce successfully, after that, will u have the dareness to tell your parents about your ex-boyfriend or ex-love?
    2)Even after you tell about your boy-friend, what if you parents disagree to marry you to your ex-lover?
    3)Suppose, if evrything goes well and you got married to your ex-lover, what is gurantee that life will be so smooth and easy going?
    4) or You just want divorce and you dont care if u will be married in future to your ex-love and do u want to stay single incase if parents dis-agree to marry u to the person u love.

    Now You are thinking of divorce, beacuse you are dreaming your life and planning to spend(after divorce) with your ex-love.What if the dream didnt come true.Are u happy to stay single with your parents, suppose if that dream didnt come true.Kindly think of these consequences and take some decicison.Finally its upto you.

  11. Assalam O Alaikum,

    I'm 26 years old female from Pakistan. I got married 2 years back at the age of 24 with a next door neighbor of mine. The marriage was fully arranged and it was my parent's will that I get married there. However I wanted to (Remainder of Question deleted by Editor. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, Thank you, IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

    W'Salam mobilemam

    I totally undrstand your situation,I am in the same boat. I have not yet gained the courage to tell my family. I also married for my parents happiness so they wouldn't be ashamed of me because I didn't obey them. But it just won't work, I love my ex and he is willing to marry me. Have you done anything about it yet sister ?

    IslamicflowertX x x

    • i totally understand ur situation i'm also in the same situation. but i informed my husband about my love and asks him to end this marriage life. but he doesn't agree i dont know wat to do. i said to end this life for two times but he refuses saying the reason as both family will affect. i don't know wat to do. but some how i need my love. anybody please give me a solution as soon as possible. i was critical situation. help me.

    • Hi

      I still haven't found a solution. I hinted it out to my husband but I know he'll will create havoc. My ex has become very frustrated and left saying that he doesn't want to create Zina, I totally understand his behavior and feelings. Its 3 years now I'm unable to rid of my husband, my parents would never understand hence I haven't spoken to them about it. May Allah bless us and accept our duas by freeing us from this burden and this tangled relationship. Ameen

      Xxx

  12. Message too all my muslim brothers and sisters

    You might have heard that
    Marriages are made in heaven
    But i truly believe Allah has the best judgement on who will be perfect for us
    Good man and woman are hard too come by
    When you have a good husband, good wife learn too apperciate them - Ameen

  13. Listen

    Humans are small minded creatures
    regardless off education level
    Background and fainicial stability
    Infront off Allah we are small and very powerless people
    we think we know what's our best interest
    we think we know what love, happiness and scarficise is
    but we don't, judgements are based on Allah and his will
    If we try too change that, we wouldn't be considered muslims
    Accept whats infront off you, and stop worrying about things that are not

    " in my life, there was two beautiful girls, one that loved me and the other that i loved
    I decided to go for the one i loved and got engaged too her, things were perfect for up too 3 years
    we were best friends, mentors, we worked together as well in this firm till during the 4th year one day her intentions had changed I came from work, and she said she no longer wanted too be with me, i knew she loved joking around like that then she give me my ring and decided too leave and existed through the

    Its been almost 2 years and i have seen several doctors
    Specialists, taking anti-depressant pills i tried commiting suecide
    but the Masque saved my life............Allah shed his light onto my soul and i felt the wonders off peace
    Comfort, i realized that love affairs are very sinfull, now im looking too finish my studies
    have my mother pick someone and marry the islamic way, because thats the only right way off being succuessful - Ameen

    they think whats good for them but they are wrong
    i bet you guys the last quarter in my pocket that if you guys divorce your husbands
    you guys will have a terrible life, muslims shouldn't believe in divorce

    • Walaykum salaam,

      Muslims are allowed to use divorce as an option as revealed by The Almighty Allah (swt). To not believe it is a form of disbelief in the wisdom of Allah (swt) and His Decrees.

    • Asalam Alaykum,

      Ayreon Taheer, what you said about Allah knowing best is correct, but there is an error in your full thought. For if all humans are small minded creatures, and we are too small minded to choose or know our own love when it is in front of us, then what makes a mother's mind any more capable of deciding such a fate in success? Would she, as a human, not also fall under this category of small minds and powerlessness?

      "we think we know what love, happiness and scarficise is
      but we don't, judgements are based on Allah and his will"

      No disrespect to mothers and fathers, but they are not Allah - their choice of spouse is often not based upon what is good for Islam, but rather what is good for pride, for finances, for tribe, for 'caste', race, etc, etc...

      Doesn't anybody ever think that perhaps sometimes Allah works through our own hearts to show us who is the person we should marry (amongst other things)? And is it not against Islam to be forced into a marriage, even by way of emotional blackmail? As long as a prospective spouse is of good deen, then what right does a parent have to forbid a marriage chosen by their child?

      Being fairly new to Islam, I see that there is a distinct blur for many Muslims between that which is Islam and that which is culture. I think it best for many brothers and sister to go back to our teachings and do more studying, and less interpreting.

  14. First do not too get married if your looking too get divorced
    you'll save humanilation, money and best off all time
    then second if your going too get divorced it has too be a bigger and brighter reason
    then your boyfriend, or old feelings, do not get married and divorced
    If your looking for a way out, cut connections with your past and accept your future
    May allah guide and protect all my muslim brothers and sisters from the wrong doings
    This world isn't forever but the fires off hell are

  15. Brother Ayreon
    said before marriage isn't a game
    Divorce rates are going up, because off self-fish parents and immature kids
    Marriage is not a toy, you don't pick it up
    Drop it and pick up another toy, its life and death
    Its supposed too be made only once
    Muslims off this generation are lacking knowledge/ wisdom / and power

  16. hi honey, im in pretty much the same situation except i was married at 16 yrs nd i hv 2 boys. i really dnt like my husband nd really wnt a divorce but no one is listenin to me. nd as u i wanna commit suicide but whn i look at my boys i cnt. i dnt love my man nd i didnt hv a pre marital relationship wid anyone. but after 7 years of grief i hv developed a relationship wid someone else nd i love him. by realtionship i mean is emotional love in our hearts for each other we do not hv a physical realtionship at all. the biggest problem i hv is tht the man i love is a different cast to mine nd i know even if i get a divorce from my husband my parents wont let me marry the man i love. i also wanted to know if a woman has to have a wali to get married the second time or not. and people please dont say that we have not tried cos if u were in our situation uwud knw hw difficult it is. i hv tried to put up with this man for 7 years but still i dnt love him, i dnt like his appearance, his way of talkin, his ways of dealin with stuff, in fact there is nothin i like about him. nd im sure we dont deserve to have to live like this when we hv tried to obey our parents wishes. most parents do not see what they r doin they just make ties for their families sake nd to kep their relatives happy nd whilst doin so they forget our happiness. i hv five brothers nd sisters all whom hv got maried from pakistan nd not one of them is happy with their marriage in fact they r just living together for my parents sake. not one copuple is gueniuenly happy. im sure this is not right. im sure in islam u shud be happy with the person ur married to.

    SO regardless to everythin else happenin in this womans life she should divorce her husband nd marry whom she wants nd yes if she loves someone before marriage thn doin zina is wrong but if u both marry nd live with each other lawfully thn there is nothin wrong with tht.

    so hun dont feel bad readin some of the comments on here just follow ur heart nd do everythin accordin to islam.

    hope allah listens to our dua's very soon
    Ameen
    xXx

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