IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

AoA,

I've revised my post so many times because things are constantly changing in my situation(s). I have just decided to wait it all out (because of the wait period for the editors, sorry guys) and I'm pretty set in the direction I've chosen. However, I've been reading the posts, you'll notice that I have made many comments and suggestions, but I feel really guilty as I don't really follow the advice that I've given.

I just want to vent here a little because I value the opinions of all the commenters; whom all come from different parts of the world, have different personalities, and experiences. This is the umma which I gave up my past for, and I hope Allah swt keeps you all in good iman and blesses your dunya as well as your akhira.

So, a little background:
I've been a muslim now for 2 years, alhamdulilah, my life before was so dark and I was so very lost and often depressed. I gave up the "typical college" lifestyle long before converting because it just didn't feel right. I never really gained much satisfaction from it and I always felt like I was being someone that I just wasn't. The constant dramas between "friends" that came from this "college life" just made me uncomfortable. I lost those "friends" except for literally 3 amazing ladies that have stuck by me for the passed 5 to 8 years, but life tends to keep us from communication for short spans of time and it gets lonely. My family wasn't rich by any means, but I lived a privileged life compared to many and I never wanted for anything. My family is a little dysfunctional but they were my family and I always loved their little weird quirks. My younger sister and i were abused sexually by a cousin at a young age, and though i never let i turn me into a victim, I do believe it affected me psychologically (though my sister suffered the most - falling into heavy drugs from age 11; though has quit and is now successful in her life thanks to the mercy of Allah). But this abuse, and my sister's consequent behavior from it caused a rift between my mother and father (who ended up divorcing in an annoying, long, drawn out 3 year divorce process. I ended up converting after being exposed to a muslim man, like most of these young naive girls here. But after the conversion the relationship promptly ended. Alhamdulilah.

I moved to my dad's native country to start over and to pursue a graduate diploma. Now, this story splits into, i think, three or four different struggles in my life that may or may not be related. I'm not really looking to change my mind so much as i am looking for advice, discussion and lots of dua/quran/hadith/related story examples.

I've looked through many of the stories and taken a lot from them but i wonder if my situations are a little bit unique because i haven't found any answers for some of my specific questions.

I want to start with iman. When I converted, i was so thirsty for knowledge about islam. I ordered books and read websites online (from everyone's perspective) and watched many islamic videos. I fell in love with the bayyinah team and daily reminder on youtube, I joined the bayyinah website and subscribed to daily reminder. I watch Zakir Naik, Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan, Sheikh Omar Suleiman, Sh. Ahmed Deedat, Sheikh Faisal, Yusuf Estes, Suhaib Webb, Yasmin Mogahed. I have 5 copies of the Quran from different versions of the translation. I sat, I compared, and I read through the major historical events before and after islam was established. I woke up for fajr before the alarm. I was eager to cover up and eager to fast ramadan and making my salat regularly (plus sunnah and nafl prayers). But now, I have no idea what happened. After one year, I moved from one city called Nakhon Sawan to my grandmother's home in Bangkok and I even started working in an ISLAMIC SCHOOL (which i was fired from but maybe it was a good thing because they changed the head of school to a non-muslim gay guy), but all of a sudden i stopped pursuing islamic knowledge.  I stopped memorizing quran and i barely got on the bayyinah site. My grandmother is Buddhist and they have many idols in the home, so I don't know if it's because there are no angels of mercy entering my home or what. I read a hadith that said if you made wudhu and walked to the masjid then every step is a sin forgiven. i walked every day to the masjid. but here i have never been inside any masjid in this city. So what do I do? I beg Allah swt in my salah to keep me firm in my belief, my deen, my salah. And sometimes that's the only thing holding me. Alhamdulilah. But I feel like I can do more. So my question is, how do i get my motivation back?

Secondly, Jinns. Before I converted to islam, i believe that i was heavily affected by jinns. Once, I even remember saying to myself that I think that I'm possessed (though i know i wasn't - but i was close, the whispering was so strong before i converted) because I'm always doing things that i didn't really want to do. Like, submitting to sexual advances even though i have no attraction or desire for the the other person. i used to have vivid, terrifying nightmares. Sleep paralysis. After I converted it was a lot better. But again, I moved into my grandmother's home and sometimes i feel like i'm being physically assaulted in my sleep. For a long time now, I'm able to lucid dream, meaning I can sometimes control the outcome of my dreams. And when I feel i'm being attacked, i make myself to recite in my dreams. After the last time, i could not wake myself and every time i seemed to have woken then i realize i'm still inside of my dreams. so weird, i know. but after that i play Surah al Baqarah almost every single night now while i'm sleeping. Is it wrong to think that surah al baqarah will help to protect me from jinns? I know these are words of Allah, but I don't want to be committing minor shirk. I don't think the Quran (the book itself) brings about good luck or anything like that...Does that make sense? My friend told me to learn ayatul kursi and i've recited it once or twice. I also recite surah al falaq, an naas, and al ikhlas in my isha prayer every night...

Number three, I'm ashamed to say this, but it's a haram relationship. After all this time and all the comments I've made I feel like I should know better. But i haven't found this particular situation. I did find something similar on islamqa website but idk. This one starts out a bit strange. When i moved to Thailand, it was the middle of Ramadan 2014. My dad was staying in my town, and he loves to go out to eat. At every kind of place. My dad loves beef steak, but because Thai people religiously don't eat cow because they believe the bigger the animal you kill the bigger the sin, they don't serve quality beef in Thailand. So my dad's second favorite thing is pork and he would eat earlier than my fast ends. So i went to find a masjid hoping that they served iftar like a lot of masjids do. I was teaching high schoolers at the time and one of them took me to the masjid closest to me. I met a Pakistani woman selling roti in the front and my student told her i was looking for halal food. The Pakistani woman stopped what she was doing and prepared for me a plate of food and a glass of water. I felt like I found home. Later I came to find out that she had 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl (the girl, i become severely attached to). Her husband even started telling people I was his daughter from Pakistan. I went every single day and became really close to them. They were poor but always had a plate waiting for me. The oldest son, wasn't there as he was in a car accident and was in the hospital. Fast forward. When the oldest son came from the hospital to the masjid 2 weeks after ramadan, he had a big scar on his face and his collar bone was broken so he had a sling and a brace. But for some weird reason, I instantly felt some attraction to him. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Maybe because I felt like Allah swt had given this guy a second chance and i felt like he must have some amazing destiny waiting. But he wouldn't even look in my direction, so I thought.

Astaghfirullah, I was really shameless in my staring and I eventually told his mom that i liked him and she told her husband. I ended up telling them I changed my mind because he didn't seem interested, and his mother told me that he was in fact interested. I didn't believe it because he didn't pay any attention to me until the end of the next Ramadan. I had moved from their town in March 2015 to Bangkok but returned to visit for Eid and my dad was still there, too, so i visited with him. I had visited their home before but the parents were always there and so were all the kids. The father even made it clear that I shouldn't come when the parents were out. But when I came for Eid, he had long gone to Pakistan to solve some problem with his family. The mother was there in the morning when i was there, but then escorted the kids to school and went to the market. She said it was okay, which it wasn't, because the oldest was sleeping and the second oldest was at school already. When they say that shaytan is the third party, BELIEVE IT! I should've known better. I had even began to move on to look for other suitors after i moved in march, so maybe I thought i wasn't attracted to him anymore. I don't have Facebook and i never talked to him on the phone before that. But I saw him sleeping and my mind just went on autopilot. I poked his index finger and he opened his eyes and grabbed my hand and went back to sleep. I just sat there with him holding my hand for like 30 minutes. He woke up later and we started talking and then it just went down hill from there. The last things he said were like, "you love me, right? you'll marry me, right?, and i melted just like that.

I felt so ashamed, i had been going celibate for a long time and i felt like it had just all gone to waste. i vomited a lot and he brought me water and told me he was sorry over and over. I made ghusl and taubah and then he made ghusl and went to the masjid. I wish i could say that it was the first and last time. but it wasn't. *sigh*. The only difference now is that he's still really determined to marry me. His parents are fully supportive and although my DAD and my grandma don't like me marrying a "laborer" they figure I'll do whatever I want anyway, since i was brought up that way. I always tell him we need to get married or break up (which, in reality i just want to push marriage - because if i were serious about breaking up then i would've just stopped talking to him) and he agrees but whenever we talk to his mom, she is trying to delay until his father comes back from Pakistan (which they have no clue when that will be). It's been about two months (or more after this gets published) since we last had physical contact. He's gone to do Jamaat Tabligh and he said that he wants to change himself and that when he comes back he wants to do the nikah. His father skyped with us and told us to go do the nikah without him. So, yeah. I have no idea if this is okay. I mean, the obvious part is not okay. I've repented and i never asked if he has because that's up to him and Allah swt. I plan on marrying him when he comes back in sha Allah, I ask Allah if it's meant to be then to make it easy for it to happen and if it's not then to make me strong enough to let it go. I've tried to do dhikr after every pray to make me stop feeling like a hypocrite. I want to Allah to give my future marriage barakat.

Is that impossible because we did this? His family is down and mine is semi-down...my dad isn't too crazy about me being a muslim (he thinks it's a phase) and has told me that he doesn't want me to get married at all...to anyone (because of his ugly divorce obviously)...My grandma is more supportive but only concerned about them being in a lower socioeconomic status (i mean, technically I'm broke too because i have no money and no body is currently supporting me financial besides me staying at my grandma's house rent free). The only thing I need to do is wait...Am I crazy? I was thinking about ways I can protect myself against a lot of the crazy fiascos that happen in this forum. Personalizing my nikah contract, maybe saving an emergency fund to fly home if there were ever trouble, taking martial arts/self defense classes. I mean, I believe anything could happen after marriage. I don't want to be blind by love. Even though I love this whole family uncontrollably and they have never asked me for anything and have always given me food from their plates and clothes, even when i lost my job the mother asked if i wanted to move in with them. it means a lot to me. I've always had a privileged life and i can be a little miserly and frivolous with my money. I mean, I've had a washing machine all my life and all the kids in this family have to wash clothes with their hands or walk to the closest laundromat. I want my kids to hold values like this and not be spoiled like i was. ha. but is that impossible now?

Next, How do I become less bratty to my grandma and father. They both aren't crazy about my conversion but they grew up with muslims and i was brought up in a way that said i was in charge of my life - even though i get a LOT of guilt trip. Whether I marry or not, I'm ready to move out of my grandma's house. But my logic, and a Sh. Omar Suleiman lecture, is telling me that if there were something to go wrong (nauzubillah) that i have some support in Thailand. My mother is back in my country and is supportive of whatever i do, but it's an expensive plane ticket and i know no one will pay for it if things were to go wrong. I just need help with tact and grace in leaving out of this house...i really take my grandmother for granted...what are your suggestions?

Lastly, I'm a convert. Essentially, I've been to the other side that is forbidden from all muslims. I don't want to go back there, but it breaks my heart with the hordes of young, born muslims who just have to pass the boundaries. I'm farr farr farr from being even good. But i find myself crying because of the young muslim boys and girls who lose their chastity (something i now know is very special, but was never taught to save it) or muslims using and throwing away people for their own nefarious motives. The thing that surprised me the most is that there are some muslims who don't even pray. And others who party and post their endeavors on social media. OR, a young muslim hijabi who idolizes nikki minaj.  How do I cope? I feel like I've come close to disbelief because of these things. The muslims in Thailand, ma sha Allah, are very accepting. And I've found so many muslims marrying outside of their race/nationality. Sudanese and Chinese Muslims. Pakistani and Thai Muslims. It's really beautiful to see. But some of them live such a strange secular life that I don't feel is compatible with islam. What to do? How do I become accepting and avoid becoming judgmental?

Thanks for reading my essay. haha.

Jazakullah Khair,

Nanachant