Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents won’t let him marry me, I’m at my wit’s end

Love in Islam

Love and Islam

Dear all,

Assalam alaikum. I never thought I would ever be posting my problems on a forum but then stranger things have happened. I am absolutely at my wit's end. I hope someone is the one that Allah has destined to be of help to me.

I am 27 years old. I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past 3 years. We mostly lived in different cities and most of our conversations have been on the phone or via text. But I have met him a few times and we have taken the limits of intimacy too far  sometimes. I haven't had sex with him but we have talked about it. I guess you could call it phone sex.

I am ashamed of it, always have been, but he would convince me saying we planned to get married and it isn't really sex per se. I don't think it is his fault; I think I should have been stronger but that really isn't the point I am trying to make.

My parents have known about him for about 2 and a half years and they were not against it because I told them that he would marry me. You see, my parents made an error of judgement about my sister's marriage which was arranged and after she had to go through a lot of problems in it, they decided that perhaps it is best if you know the person you are going to marry.

He told his parents about me a year ago. I met his brother and sister-in-law and they approved of me. His mother called my mother last Eid and said that they wanted to start things. I got the feeling that she wasn't very thrilled with the idea of him marrying someone she didn't know. But she and my mother started talking occasionally. She talked to me as well. I always felt that besides the fact that she sometimes tried to make me feel that she was very close to him, she did not really find fault with me. However, it still troubled her that our families do not know each other.

Now my parents are very decent, very simple folk. And although his mother suggested a few times that my mother's family (her sister, bhabhi, brother) and my sister, who are living in the same city as them should go to their house to meet them, my family hesitated because we were of the opinion that they haven't really formally put forward a proposal and it would seem overeager, for lack of a better word. She was perfectly nice to me and also to my mother except on one occasion but there was no confrontation and it was forgotten.

They came to my house 6 months ago. He did not accompany them. When they came to our house, I sensed that something was bothering her but we tried our best to be hospitable. Initially they had said that they would meet us a few times while they were in the city but then they never called back. For a few days, his parents simply disappeared on him and his family and when they finally talked to him, they said among other things that our families are too different; they thought our house was not in a good neighbourhood and we treated them too casually seating them in the lounge and serving them tea in mugs. In our defence, our lounge is not too shabby and our drawing room had had problems with it at the time and the mugs matched the dinner plates and we just didn't know better!

During these 6 months, he has tried to convince his parents but they just don't listen to logic and even to meeting us again. And what's made everything worse is that his mother says that she has been performing Istikhara and that it has been negative and on top of it, they got some aamil to perform it and it came out negative too! So they are of the opinion that that somehow validates their belief that this relationship is to fail.

I have been praying myself, so hard for the past 6 months and I also performed Istikhara and it just made me feel that I should not give up on this but I don't know, maybe I am just emotional and reading too much into it. But I actually felt that this is meant to work.

I want to talk to his parents, to apologise to them if they felt insulted but I am afraid they will shun me. I never wanted to steal him away from them and I have always wanted to be married not only to him, but to love his family as a whole.

I keep crying and praying to Allah to make them change their minds. Or to make me forget and heal. But my heart and mind both seem set on not giving up on this. I believe in my heart of hearts, that his parents have just misunderstood the entire situation and because of the aalim not being honest with them about it not being validated to perform Istikhara for others has made everything much more complex.

Please tell me what to do. I desperately want to fix this.


- ConfusedDoctor

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8 Responses »

  1. (Ahmed, I removed your comment. It was all just sarcasm and attitude. If you want to advise people, then try to do it with sincerity and kindness. - Wael, Editor)

    • I couldnt agree more with ahmed. A mans opinion is better to the opposite sex i believe and vice versa hency why the two genders compliment each other. Anyway, whenever sonething bad happens say alham dulillah, it could be a blessibg in disguise and to be honest, you pray a lot more now because of this situation or with more khushboo in your prayers, so maybe this incident is just meant to bring you closer to allah. Allah knows best (:

  2. Sister,

    I honestly think that no matter what you do, you are going to end up miserable. You already know that this mans family do not care for you. If you did end up marrying him, you most likely would have problems with his side of the family because they never wanted it in the first place.

    I know your heart is heavy right now and nothing I can say will take away your hurt. One thing I would like to point out to you is this. If someone wants to come and ask for you...let them. This mans family wanted your family to come to visit them when their son had not even come to ask for you. That is not the way things go and your family already knew it. Out of their love for you, they stepped forward and made the effort to visit this mans family and what does your family get in return? Silly comments about the mugs they were served with ( I would have given them paper cups myself), and the neighborhood where you live. Some people don't have a choice when it comes to where they live sometimes due to their financial situation and such. I say be proud of the mugs in your home and the roof over your head (some people have none).

    I think the best thing that you can do sister is stop communicating with this man. I know that is the last thing that you want to hear but it really is the best thing for you to do. You say yourself that things moved a little further than you would have wanted, ie: phone sex. You know this is wrong and you just need to stop and make a "U" turn and bring your self closer to your deen. You are a beautiful woman and there is a beautiful brother out there for you. You don't need to have phone sex with anyone to find a life partner. There is someone out there for you but I don't believe it is this brother. Find your way back to the path of Islam and who knows, on your journey you will find a brother who will want you as a life partner and be happy to sit with your family and drink from the mugs in your home.

    Respect yourself and never, ever allow you or your family to stoop so low as to go to someones home who doesn't have the decency to come to your door first and ask for you in a proper manner. You will get through this and in time your heart will heal. Allah knows best.


  3. I agree, I know you love this guy very much but honey it seem like his side of the family doesn't want you at all. It seem like they think there to good when they came to your house which is really sad in poor in there part. And once you marry the guy you will marry the whole family lol you will see them all the time and you will feel like they don't want you, because I'm married I know how it if I were you I would play hard to get and I wouldn't call his family or anything. So they can see that your playing hard to get and they will have more respect for you and your family. People like that are not worth wasting time on honestly. So I wish you all the best and I'm sorry my English grammar is not that good.

  4. Assalamualaikum sister,

    You have understood the position of the guy's mother correctly.

    Her behavior is because of the Aamil's words. There Aamils work for money and mostly create cracks in a strongly built relationship.

    You did commit a sin by being in a relationship before marriage. Talks of physical relationship before marriage is unacceptable. So, you need to repent to Allah for this.

    Your Istikhaarah seems to show you positive signs, isn't that what you mean? Then do it again if you find yourself confused. Allah Knows Best whether this guy is good for your future or not.

    I would like to mention that if you do get married, then you'll have to face the strange personality of his mother. I can sense it that she is full of doubts and she looks for flaws in everything (something called Shukook and Shubuhaat). Whenever you happen to seem unusual, the first thing she may do is call upon the Aamil who would in turn lie to her about something.
    If some petty thing is lost, she'd say "call the Aamil". Anything wrong or seemingly wrong makes such people trun first to a Aamil, who has made things so easy with their lies, and has been leading them astray.

    So, if you do get married, then you'll have to deal with such a personality, which is difficult. Sometimes, she may even take you to the Aamil saying something is wrong with you. It is difficult to deal with this.

    But if her son takes you to another country and keeps you happy, there is a possibility of consideration (such thing, I have seen it work with someone I know). But still, you'll have the threat from his mother in many ways.

    So, per me, the most safe position is to take him out of your options. I know it is difficult and seems impossible to you at the moment. But this is life which has its ups and downs. We need to be content with whatever Allah Has Given us.

    My sister, there are many other pious men who you could marry and lead a peaceful life. So, I suggest you to move ahead, trying to forget this man and cutting contact with him. If asked, tell him that things can not work when the situation is such as it is.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. I do apologize Mr editor, and i did so too at the end of my opinion, but ok i get your point and i hope the doc read my reply too as it took some time and thought.


  6. I almost know exactly what your saying I am in the same postion myself I been trying to get my parents to go down and seal the deal, they are not saying no nor are they saying yes my father is very stubborn and is not talking to me, me and ia my wife to be are so fustrated about the situation and needless to say feelings grow really strong. I am young too still in university we just about scrapped enough money to pay for a wedding nothing extravagant we can afford it to be honest, with accomdation fee etc. It not like Im asking parents for money for the weddings just so were not conflicting but they are always bogging me off. we recentley moved so for a period of time that was one excuse then it was something else then it was another excuse. It like my parents arent willing at all just like how you say his parents complain about the hospital i.e the cups. So what the conclusion or what advice can I give you, got your parents which you as a woman need in islam for marriage. they guy has to go down your parents house at least your parents will apppreciate this plus it shows that he is mature enough. I went to my inlaw house alone all this time even asked for the rishta on my own make matters worse and just so you know where from different cultures.

    some time you have to move forward without your parents unless islam says otherwise. let me know how it turns out, I hope the next time I hear from your it will be for an iviatation :D. do dua for me seriously need it

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