Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My atheist jewish partner will convert to marry me

A Jewish man praying in a synagogue

We've been together for several years, and I know him to be a kind, moral, hard working, generous and good man. He treats me with respect and love, and we want similar things from life. The only point of contention is religion. I'm from a conservative family, but am not conservative at all myself. There is no way my parents would accept him unless he converted, and though I'm not religious myself, I want a partner who is Muslim in some sense as well.

parents will eventually accept him because they want me to marry soon, but only if they believe he is a sincere convert.

I believe we can make this marriage work. But my concern is whether it is enough legally and in the eyes of God that he is a Muslim by name and practice only. I know more conservative beliefs reject such a union, but even the hadith that talks about converting to Islam for a girl doesn't find the marriage invalid.

Surely it counts for something that he is immersed in the Muslim community, and that we are raising our children Muslim, and that he is a good, moral, hard working, productive member of society? I am concerned with this because at this point in my life I'm not sure what I believe. I don't fully buy into the conservative outlook my parents raised me with, but I still believe in God. Thoughts on this would be appreciated, as I feel like I am floundering.


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10 Responses »

  1. Asalam alaikum sister,

    Sounds like you want him to pretend to be Muslim the rest of his life...but if thats the case then dont worry because that means he is not Muslim and you cant marry him. Nobody can just throw on the name Muslim and truly be a Muslim unless they have converted by their own will and their niah is right and sincere.

    Also sister, how do expect to raise good Muslim kids when mommy and daddy dont really believe in Islam? Islam is not like believing in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, no. Islam is a reality.

    So far from what I read it sounds like a shakey foundation to a marraige if the husband is pretending to be something he is not for the rest of his life and the wife is lost in her own beliefs.

    I dont mean to be harsh sister, but marraige is a rocky road sometimes and sometimes a smooth road. I think the best option for you two is to read up on Islam and rediscover the beauty of it before you both jump in blindly and decide that its not for you.

    Being a lost soul as you are means that you should find a husband who is a support, a rock in the middle of the ocean. You should also consider that maybe this man is lost himself? How many titles can he really be? Jewish Atheist Muslim? What is he really feeling?

    It is all so sad for me to read this. I truly empathize with you as you have fallen hard in love with him and cannot think of giving him up for the sake of Islam. Maybe it is best for the two of you to separate for a little while and figure out who you want to be some Quran, pray, go to mosque and fall back in love with Islam.


  2. Assalam Aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu ,

    All actions are judged by intentions, and each person will be rewarded according to their intention. Thus, he whose migration was to Allaah and His Messenger, his migration is to Allaah and His Messenger; but he whose migration was for some worldly thing he might gain, or for a wife he might marry, his migration is to that for which he migrated.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)

    This Hadith stresses the importance of intentions. And there are many to be found that stresses it. Personally , I feel that if a person wants to revert to Islam it should be genuinely from the heart because they believe. I don't believe in marriage reverts, and this is my opinion. I feel it makes a mockery of Islam for people to revert when they disbelieve , fooling the believers as the hypocrites did in the time of prophet muhammad (saw). I always advise that they take time to prove that although they want to marry a Muslim , they are proving that they are reverting because they believe. It's not a game. Allaah tells us : O ye who believe! Enter into Islam whole-heartedly (completely); and follow not the footsteps of the Shaytaan; for he is to you an avowed enemy. (Quran 2:208) Taking the shahada for the first time is a sacred moment , so all I can say is make sure he is sincere or let him go for the sake of Allaah.

    “A person learned [religious] knowledge and taught it [to others], as well as reciting the Quran. He will be brought [to the presence of Allaah ], and Allaah will mention to him all the favors he granted him, and he recognized them. Allaah will ask him, ‘What did you do with them?’He will answer, ‘I learned [religious] knowledge and taught it [to others], and I recited the Quran purely for Your sake.’ Allaah will say, ‘You have lied! Rather you learned [religious] knowledge to be called a scholar, and you recited the Quran to be called a recitor, and it was said of you!’ Then it was commanded [to punish] him. So he was dragged on his face and he was thrown into the Fire.” (an-Nasa’i)

    We are all judged by our intentions. All things should be done for the sake of Allaah (swt). In the end , it's your decision sis, but you must focus on the impact it will have on your life if he just reverts to marry you. After marriage, will he turn back to disbelief? This is common in reversion marriages... Once something goes wrong, those who accepted Islam for the sake of marrying a Muslim has went back to disbelief. It's a very serious matter. If he truly believes then step back and tell him if he is sincere in accepting Islam because he believes, he has to prove that he is sincere. And I would keep away from him until he reverts, goes to masjid and has another Muslim that can vouch that he is making efforts. Muslim women do this with even the Muslim men when deciding a potential spouse. Or they should be. Asking does he pray? Does he fast ? Does he attend the masjid? Is he increasing his islamic knowledge ? Will this man be the one to help me to Jannah? These are all questions we should ask ourselves before marrying anyone .. Whether a revert or a Muslim raised in islam.

    Allaah Says in the Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 221: Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters) until they believe; a slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman even though she allure you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: a man slave who believes is better than un unbeliever even though he allure you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the fire. But Allaah beckons by His grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness and makes His Signs clear to mankind: that they may celebrate His praise.

    I pray that you make the best decision and that Allaah gives you as to what is best Aameen

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    I think the first question you need to answer is "What do you believe?" - Do you believe in Allah, His Messengers and The Last Day? Islam is not a faith that you put on every Sunday (or whatever day) and then take off for the rest of the week; it is a key part of the very being of a Muslim, and guides our actions every day.

    If you believe in Islam, then the logical next step is to follow the guidance given to us from Allah. People will have different ways of doing this - Islam is perfect but Muslims aren't, we're all human and can err (may Allah guide us all to stay on the straight path and grant His mercy to us when we stray from it) - you may not feel that the way your parents practise Islam is how you want to, but it's important to find your own way and make up your own mind. Study Islam, speak with other sisters and attend educational events at your mosque, so that you can decide for yourself what you believe and how you want to live your life.

    Converting to a faith solely for marriage strikes me as an exceptionally bad idea - the person converting is essentially committing to living a lie for the rest of their life, and deceiving people who are meant to be friends and family. How can that possibly be sustainable without the person being seriously damaged by it? As how can the person confide in anyone, have healthy social and family relationships, trust those around them...?

    And how could you trust that person when they are lying to everyone else around you? If they're convincing enough that people believe them, how would you be sure that they aren't lying to you as well?

    Rather than traveling further along a path of deception, why not stop and make your decisions now, while you still have options and time? You and this man can take time to learn about Islam and decide if this is a faith that either or both of you wish to follow. If one of you doesn't feel that this is right for you, then I would strongly advise that you don't start living a lie.

    From the earliest days of our faith, our brothers and sisters have faced persecution and even death in order to hold fast to the words of the Shahada - There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. These words have enormous significance, and we should not disrespect those people who have sacrificed so much to say them, by using them for temporary gain in this dunya.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    You wrote:

    The only point of contention is religion.

    This is only the point that matters.

    Sister, if you believe in God, do you think that we would be living in this world without guidance? Every thing created by man, comes first with some sort of manual--so then, why would the Creator of all things not have a manual, a book of guidance, for humans?

    I urge you sister, to stop, rethink and reassess what is happening in your life. Let's put aside your conservative family for a moment--sister, if you are going to do something, then let's do it wholeheartedly and the way, not pick the things that we like on the surface and throw aside what we don't like.

    As I said, stop, for now, and take a break from your communication with this person. During this time, rethink about Islam while learning and reading about it. And finally reassess your behaviour--you are obviously not happy and something deep inside you won't allow you to continue on with this relationship. That voice has brought you to question your decision and you shouldn't take this lightly at all.

    You mentioned your friend and your family again and agains sister, but I will ask you to think about the moment when you stand before your Creator--reflect about the relationship that you created or failed to this what you truly want?

    I pray that you make the right choice and begin to read the Quran again for the first time with a different kind of attention that you have ever given before. May Allah make it easy for you to understand, Ameen.

  5. I think you are looking for someone to say "it's ok".

    Deep down, you know the answer from a religious perspective. You know that you can't fool God -- He will know that your husband is neither Muslim nor is he a believer. Personally, regardless if religion, how can you even contemplate an atheist for a life partner???

    But going back to religion. If you wish to abide by the Rules of Islam, then you know what to do -- break off contact with this man and move on with your life. Forget about him and about your engagement.

    No one on this forum us going to tell you that there is some type if exemption for you, from a religious perspective .
    But if the Rules of Islam are not your overriding concern, then you have free will and you ate permitted to do as you wish.

    • Sister , I re-read your post ... You have children with this man? I'm a bit confused on this point . From what I gather , you have already been living with him , bore his children, and now have doubts about marriage ? Correct me if I'm wrong.

  6. Dear Sister,

    He is Jewish by blood but atheist by choice. An atheist is worst to deal with in terms of believing in God. Does he mean to convert or it is just an excuse to marry you? If he is serious, send him to the masjid to learn. For yourself, you should also go back to search your belief. How much do you believe in Islam and where do you stand now? What do you believe now?

    You said you have been together with this man for several years, do you mean that you are staying together already? I know it is very hard to break the relationship as you are already with him for so long. But you need to think serious about what is important in life for you. I guess you still believe in your heart but just got lost. Forget about your parents, ask yourself what do you stand for now. Noone say that your "man" is bad, but if the only point of contention is religion, then you really need to think hard or maybe leave him now for any further hurt.

    I could so imagine the picture of you and your children would become agnostic and would definite drift away from Allah if you marry him. Think hard sister.

  7. OP: We've been together for several years, and I know him to be a kind, moral, hard working, generous and good man. He treats me with respect and love, and we want similar things from life.........
    parents will eventually accept him because they want me to marry soon, but only if they believe he is a sincere convert. I believe we can make this marriage work. But my concern is whether it is enough legally and in the eyes of God that he is a Muslim by name and practice only

    You have been together for several years I guess with knowledge of your parents. If your b/f wants to legally become a Muslim by name and practice, you should get married to him.

  8. Assalam alaikum Sister. Ramadan Mubarak. My humble advice might be a little belated but kindly hear me out. First of all, before we even think of matters concerning Islamic jurisprudence e.g. marriage to Kuffar, let as first put Islam into perspective. In short, let us go to the basics of Islam. Islam, as you know, consists of five pillars; (1) - Shahadah (2) -5 regular prayers (Salah) (3) - Fixed yearly alms (zakat) (4) - Fasting (Saum) (5) - Pilgrimage (Hajj). I would ask sincerely to put yourself into perspective regarding the afore mentioned pillars. If we really followed this basic concepts in our lives, then everything else will surely fall in place. Allah (عز وجل) made us muslims for a purpose & that is to worship HIM alone. ALLAH says (
    And I (Allah) created not the jinns and humans except they should worship Me (Alone). Chapter (51) sūrat l-dhāriyāt (The Wind that Scatter)

    In short, my advice to you is to work for what pleases Allah. This kaffir man can fool you & your parents but he cannot fool Allah.Please cut off all contacts with him & concentrate with your deen. Allah will remember you if you remember Him. He will reward you in ways you never anticipated; be it a good husband, sustenance & much more Inshallh. Do not sell your Deen for a miserly Dunya. Arabs have a saying that shifting mountains is easier than changing habits. His heart has been blinded by his disbelieve & his soul is dead. Please remember this.

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