Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married and awaiting his G-card, but proposing for marriage claiming 1st relationship is over.

usa permanent residency, green card, visa

I was currently introduced to a bro. who has been married to an Muslim-American for 10yrs. they have 2kids together.

It has been 2yrs that their relationship has not been in good terms so he decided to move out of the house and into an apartment of his own. I have checked with the imam of his area and they say that he is a decent guy and that he has been living apart from his wife but they haven't gotten any divorce. When I say they haven't gotten a divorce I mean it in an Islamic and legal sense.

He is telling me that it is a matter of time that his American wife will be asking him for a divorce, and that he has told her that he wants to get married and that she has states to him to go forth with finding himself someone. She has also applied for his Green Card becuz she wants him to be able to return to the State for visiting his kids who are with her and whom he supports.

It is understandable that he doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship due to her role in getting his legal statues here but at the same time what should I do if I decide to proceed in becoming his future partner. What if later on they never make the clear cut "divorce" and I get the short end of the stick!

They both agreed to wait for the divorce until he gets his papers and meanwhile they are living apart and both have consented for the other to move on with finding partners. What is interesting is the mere fact that he insists that she will be the one who will be requesting for the divorce and that there is no need for him to badger her about it, as he claims that she too wants to move forward and make another life for herself. It is a matter of time and patients as he mentions it.

I am confused as to how I will accept to go into an Islamic marriage with someone who hasn't even finished off his 1st. marriage, I know it is allowed in Islam to have multiple wives but in his case he is just letting time go so that she will request the divorce by herself. Wouldn't an Islamic divorce apply given the fact that they haven't been "husband and wife" or living with each other for the past 2yrs? What is the ruling ?? He says I am not refusing to give her divorce but she has to ask for it and in due time he is confident that she will.

He has spoken to my brother and wants to come see me, and he is serious about marriage but should I go forth in accepting him given his situation, at least he is telling me about it and not keeping it for a later date. I fear that the American sis. might not request for a divorce and I may just end up being a 2nd wife but an undocumented wife without rights to his assets " I know this is very materialistic " but God forbid something was to happen  I will not have any rights or protection under the law.

I find him to be a person whom I can relate and who has many points of interest similar to mine. Is there any prenuptial or written agreement that I should take into consideration to just for my security in case something happens.   Your thoughts or suggestions are welcomed.

Please advice. Shukran

- sabr99

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4 Responses »

  1. dear siis after reading ur story all i can say 2 u dont marry that man who has kidz walahi 1day u will regret it ,rember thiz he will still contect her 4 da sick of hiz kidz n wat if wat u saying comes true ,im a married women who sligtly has da sam dilma lyk u but i dont liv in usa listen my hubii has a son from past wif ,im regretting coz she iz still in my lyf 2 even though i try 2 mak every door close 4 him but therez noo point so i dont want u 2 feel da sam way at da moment im just living 4 my lil dugther it desnt bother me wat he does in another way I DONT CARE ABOUT HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IZ MY LUVER ,SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ITZ UP 2 U

  2. Sabr99, As-salamu alaykum,

    The fact that they have been separated for two years does not mean they are divorced. It does not work that way. There must be an actual divorce.

    If you marry a married man, you must assume that he will remain married. There is no assurance that he will divorce his first wife, or that he will not reconcile with her and get back together again. That could very well happen. And you are right to be concerned about becoming an extra-legal wife with no legal rights.

    If you don't want to see this come to pass, then wait until he gets divorced. If he will not divorce his first wife, then don't marry him unless you are precisely aware of what you are getting into, namely that you will be the second, undocumented wife.

    It sounds like you do have common sense. Use it.

    Wael Editor

  3. His first wife cannot move on until he gives her a proper Islamic Divorce ( ie clearly states "I divorce you") . When you say American wife, I'm assuming American Muslim. So, that aspect of their relationship doesn't make sense, you cannot "move on" it's not Islamic for her to move on.
    Yes a second wife is allowed in Islam,but he has a duty towards both wives. Unless she gives up her rights. You are able to marry him Islamically but not legally. Unless they divorce Islamically but not legally. In which case by law you would not be a second wife you'd just be the 'mistress'.So you will have Islamic rights not legal rights.It's also something to consider in Islam we must follow the laws of the land (and it's oppressive to move),it's illegal in America to have a second wife. Its good that he has been honest with you, but I don't think he is in the right circumstance to be married just yet. As much as you two get along, circumstances/state of mind is a big deal in marriage.
    I have to say I don't agree with the person above concerning children. Yes, even if he has two kids with her that is not a good reason to not marry him. I, at one point had 5 step children MashaAllah whom I love with all my heart and are extremely grateful they came into my life. Their mother I never dealt with , but always encouraged they keep relations with her. Ex's are ex's for a reason. If you are upset about your husband dealing with his ex wife concerning HIS children, then obviusly there are trust issues there (not to say you are but the above post mentioned this). Support you husband, that includes his children. Because thats what a loving wife does.

    May Allah swt give you clarity in the matter...Ameen

  4. Assalamualaikum Sister

    I too am in a situation where I have met a man who initially did not tell me that he was married. I have subsequently found out that he is divorced from the mother of his children and the lady he is married to is 8 years his senior. He tells me that they do not have a good relationship and he works away from home. I have now discovered that when he goes home, he goes to visit her and his son for 3 days and also spends 2 days with his mother and daughter. This bothers me as I do not want to come between then and although I really love him, I have not been raised to accept that I will ever be a second wife in a relationship.

    He has now indicated to me that he wishes to approach my father for my hand in marriage but I still don't know if I will be able to cope with being a second wife. He has promised me that I will not have to share a home with her as he wants me to live in the town where he works but this will mean that when he is off from work, he will still spend time with her. I feel confused by this but have great faith that the Almighty Allah will not guide me incorrectly.

    I hope that you are able to resolve your problem soon and you must make duah that the Almighty Allah will guide you and grant you clarity to see a solution soon inshallah.


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