Islamic marriage advice and family advice

what do i do with my baby?

sleeping babyI made a mistake in committing zinna, i am not married and i have recently had the baby and have handed it to social services. he is now in foster care and i do not know what do, whether to give it up for adoption or to bring him up with his dad.

My parents understand what has happened and have helped me alot throughout the whole phase, but my dad wants me to give my baby up for adoption as he thinks it will ruin my life. I really want to keep him as i know without him my life would be miserable and i wouldnt be able to go on, and i wouldnt want to get married later on in life, plus the baby's dad wants to keep the baby too but his parents don't accept this.

Me and the baby's dad are fine, and would like to get married and keep this baby as this is better for the future, and if i give my baby up, this will haunt me for the rest of my life, he is the only good thing i have, the baby's father is also a really good man and we have been together 3 years, and it is both of our first relationship, so we do not have the past to worry about.

the baby is nearly 2 months and he cant be in foster care for too long. Can i have some sincere advice on what should be done?

i really need help! quick

- muslimwomen16


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20 Responses »

  1. my dear sister. sorry to know you are in a difficult situation. but i think you know the answer yourself. if you and this baby's dad have realized your mistake make sincere tauba,get married and have this baby back to where it really belongs ,its parents. your dad ofcourse mean good to you as well,sit and talk calmly about this you can introduce this baby's dad as well to your dad, may be your dad will realize that you both are ready to take responsibility. you both can get marries first and then have the baby back,this way you ane your husband will all the say in this matter.

    may Allah help you to reachthe best decision.

    take care

    • I cannot write a detailed answer right now, but I agree with "friend". Get your baby back, get married, and do your best to live as a good Muslim family Insha'Allah. Ask for your parents' support and assistance, as you will need it. Remind them that this baby is their grandchild, the blood of their blood, and they will be asked on Yawm Al-Qiyamah (the Day of Judgment) about their obligation to him. What will be their answer to Allah?

      Throughout Muslim history, and even today, there are families who go through extreme hardship or hunger and have to give one or more children away temporarily. But they give them to relatives, until they can get back on their feet. They don't give them to strangers to be raised as non-Muslims, astaghfirullah. I'm not criticizing you sister, as I know you were pressured into this situation. I'm just disappointed that your parents would force you into giving up your child.

      Make tawbah (repentance) to Allah for committing zinaa, and get your life on track.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Jazakallah sister, your advice was very helpful and inshallah everything wil work out according to allahs will

      • hi, can u email me so we can talk. I would be willing to adopt your baby.

        • Sabrina, I think your suggestion is inappropriate. This young sister is not asking for a stranger to take her baby. She asked for advice whether to keep her baby, and several of us advised her to keep her baby and raise it herself, and she has said she would try to do so Insha'Allah.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Excuse me but I don't think I was talking to you. And I wasn't trying to take her baby, I was asking her to contact me because I know some people who can help her to make the right decision for her and the baby. However my phone has a preset text and pressed the wrong button, my battery died before I could correct it. As for what I say and ask her is none of your business. So please keep your comments to yourself.

          • Sabrina, I am the founder, moderator and chief editor of this website, so anything that happens on this website is indeed my business.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • i am not perfect myself n do not know how you should go about this i think it would be best if u askd mayb a molvi/ scholar who knows what they are talking about as these people are helping but aren't giving any refernce to the Quran or hadees n u should do tohbah n ask 4 Allahz forgiveness in what you have done.

  2. Dear MuslimWoman16, Asalaamualaylum,

    I agree with the comments above - 'get your child back'.

    You have a responsibility to your child as a mother and you will be questionable about this on Yawm al Qiyamah and so will anyone who forces or encourages you to give him up to foster care - including your parents. It is immoral and unjust; especially if they are actually able to support you; but are refraining from doing so. Your parents maybe concerned about this baby being too much for you to handle at this stage of your life, but it would be better for them to help you so that you can keep your child with you. Alternately, they may be feeling ashamed for people to know that you have a child out of wedlock. However, this does not change the fact that the child's best interests should be the main concern. Every child deserves to be loved and raised by his/her own biological parents.

    As Br Wael said, remind your parents of their accountability on The Day of Judgement and try to get them on side, as you will need their support. You are very fortunate that your partner wants his child back and wants to marry you, many young girls are left completely alone, but Alhumdulillah you have something you can work on here.

    ***

    Your Duty: Children are a beautiful blessing and your child has God given rights over you. You are duty bound to give your child the love and nuturing he needs (within the provisions Allah has given you), to teach your child about Islam and to instill in him love for Allah(swt) and good manners.

    Benefit to you in your Hereafter: If you raise your child well and as a good Muslim, this will benefit you in both this life and in the next. This is because after we die, two of the three things that benefits us are our pious offspring when they pray for us and also any knowledge that we impart of the Quran and Sunnah; so of you teach Islam to your child and he implements this correctly, this will also benefit you in the Hereafter.

    This month of Ramadan is all about attaining Piety and Taqwa - Taqwa is when we attain "God-consciousness and willingly avoid actions that lead to Allah's anger and disapproval; while consciously undertaking steps and actions that will please Allah". So keeping this in mind, do the right thing.

    - So do sincere tawbah for committing zina and encourage your baby's father to do the same;
    - Refrain from committing anymore sin; straighten your ways, strive to be a good practising Muslimah;
    - If you believe that the father of your child will be a good companion to you and will work with you to raise your family together according to the Quran and Sunnah, then marry him as soon as is possible and as Br Wael said, 'get your life on track'.

    ***

    I have attached a few ayahs from Surah Luqman to trigger you to think about the very important messages you are required as a parent to teach your child; maybe you could remind your parents of these ayah aswell inshaAllah:

    Al Quran, Surah Luqman:

    13. And (remember) when Luqman said to his son when he was advising him: "O my son! Join not in worship others with Allah. Verily! Joining others in worship with Allah is a great Zulm (wrong) indeed.

    16. "O my son! If it be (anything) equal to the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in a rock, or in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Verily, Allah is Subtle (in bringing out that grain), Well-Aware (of its place).

    17. "O my son! Aqim-as-Salat (perform As-Salat), enjoin (people) for Al-Ma'ruf (Islamic Monotheism and all that is good), and forbid (people) from Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief in the Oneness of Allah, polytheism of all kinds and all that is evil and bad), and bear with patience whatever befall you. Verily! These are some of the important commandments ordered by Allah with no exemption.

    18. "And turn not your face away from men with pride, nor walk in insolence through the earth. Verily, Allah likes not each arrogant boaster.

    19. "And be moderate (or show no insolence) in your walking, and lower your voice. Verily, the harshest of all voices is the voice (braying) of the ass."

    ***

    Turn back to Allah, sincerely repent and correct your wrongs with rights.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

  3. Assalamu alaikum,

    Sister, I am sure that when you handed your child over to child welfare services it was probably the most difficult thing you have done in your life. It can't be an easy thing to do. Since you are asking should you get your baby back it tells me that you have not severed the ties with your child and put he or she up for adoption. That was a wise thing to do. What I would tell you is get your child back as soon as you can. I have worked with the foster care system for 5 years, not as an employee but as someone who has taken foster children into our house. I can tell you first hand that you do not want your child to grow up in that environment.

    There are many good foster parents out there who really care about the children. There are also some who are not so good and only care about the money they receive each month. That is not a good situation to put any child in. The other problem is that it's very difficult to find Muslim foster parents. There may be some but I haven't met any.

    Here are a few things that could happen while in foster care. Your child can be moved to another foster parent at any time. It all depends on the circumstances. I know personally a young girl from Afghanistan who we were supposed to take into our house who was moved 3 times in one month. By the time the court date came for her to come live with us she decided that she was tired of being moved and wanted to stay where she was. The other thing you have to think about is this, if you are Muslim do you want your child to be brought up as a non-Muslim. The foster care system will not go out of their way to find a Muslim family for your child to live with. The brother and sister that my wife and I are raising now, who are Muslim, were constantly put in Christian homes. We have seen the paper work that the case worker would fill out and they would enter how the children had a great time celebrating their first Christmas or Easter. These people were intentionally trying to guide the children away from Islam. I don't think this is something you want weighing on your heart for the rest of your life..

    As SisterZ stated above, make toubah and encourage your boyfriend to also ask Allah(swt) for forgiveness for committing zina. If he is a good man as you say he is then he should, "Man up" as we say in the west and take responsibility for this beautiful child. You have stated that the two of you planned to get married so I suggest you do so.

    Ask Allah(swt) for guidance. You can do this. Don't give up this beautiful child to a stranger. If you have any more questions please feel free to write to us.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali
    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

    • Brother Abdul Wali, thanks for weighing in on this from your personal experience. It really helps to have an insider's view into a system that is confusing and opaque.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Jazakallah, your advice has helped me alot and inshallah it will work out the way you are saying.

  4. Assalamualaikum My sister

    My humble request with you is, please get back your child from the child welfare services as early as possible.

    Do sincere Tauba. AND dont loose hope from ALLAH 's Mercy. INDEED ALLAH forgives all the sins.INDEED HE is THE MOST FORGIVING AND MERCIFUL.

    as quoted in QURAN.

  5. Here is my four step suggestion:

    01. First thing first. Sincerely repent to Allah for what have happened and ask HIM to bless you with a firm resolve so that you never do things in future that would incur the displeasure and wrath of Allah.

    02. Take back your daughter. If I had a daughter and I had to live without her, I would have gone insane/crazy within a week. If such would have happened to a brother, I can imagine the pain you are feeling. Get back your daughter. It is my understanding that a mother would never, I mean N-E-V-E-R be able to lead a normal life without a child that she carried in her womb.

    03. If the father of the baby also repents truly and amends his character, you may marry him.

    04. If the father of the baby does not repent or make amends, pray to Allah. Make a lot of duas, a L-O-T. HE is indeed the most merciful and most powerful and He is indeed capable of providing with a good husband for you,

  6. Dear sister,

    although your had this child out of wedlock, I am so glad you had the heart to carry on the pregnancy and have the baby unlike what many women would have done. I can imagine the pain you would have gone through during the ten months of your pregnancy. Your parents are marvelous too. This clearly shows you fear Allah more than society. When you could go to this extent, why cant you go one step further and keep the baby. You have a dad and mom to care for you. Imagine what the child would have to give up for no fault of his. Having parents is a blessing dont take that away from him. Now that you have brought the child to this world, dont make him walk through his life alone. Foster parents can nevr replace real parents and what if the child learns later in life that he was abandoned by his parents. Please sister, explain to your dad. He seems to be an understanding father. If he accepts the child, tell him he is doing it for the love of Allah and this sure will please Allah.

  7. Okay honestly this time I did not read all the responses. BUT I did read what you wrote. The answer is: "What is the decision you know YOU can live with?" That is your answer. Not everyone else, but you! You already have the answer.

    If you are in the united states then I feel for you. Once your child goes into foster care through the social services it will be difficult to nearly impossible to get the baby back. You better choose quick. If you want that baby back go down there immediately and do everything you can to get the baby back. Do it in the most calm and rational way possible. You will have to go through hoops to get that baby back. It could take longer to get the baby back then it did to make the decision.

    To ANYONE in this same situation make the decision before EVER involving social services when in the United States. They are not advocates for keeping you with your child. They are most judgmental! If you are not perfect then they feel you are not a good parent.

    Last time I looked no one is perfect.

  8. salams sister the right thing to do if you love your baby is to fight to get him back cos now that he is in foster care it could take years and alot of energy out of you.get married get your own place but please dont let them take your baby he needs his mum n dad.social have taken all my four kids just because my middle child had bruises but the strange thing is when i took her to school dat day she didnt have any bruises.its when i picked her up at 3 and ss were sitting there that i saw them.i was pregant at the time.now i did commit zinna too and deeply regret committing that sin and have begged for forgiveness ever since.mayb i c this as my punishment.i also have type 1 diabetes and have had a very hard year.i love my kids dearly and have never hurt them,they cry they want to come home.i make dua everyday that they come home where they belong.since in being care my kids have eaten ham and have seen things they never should have seen.i am a muslim and have never drank or taken drugs or eaten ham but i committed zinna.i have been fighting for one year.i almost died having my fourth child as he was my 5th csecion and ended up in icu ss moved us to my boyfriends sisters house but 2months later she kicked me out (cos i broke up with her brother) and took my baby now she wants to adopt him and i have not done anything wrong to her or my kids.i walk everyday very far to see my kids as i dont drive and dont have money for transport.but i will not let anyone have my kids they are mine and they belong with me.they make me happy i need them and they need me.my kids have been through so much in care they are hurting,im very scared but will never let anyone have my babies.i dont care how long this takes i will do it till the end.hes your baby he came out of you,i know you love him.you ar his mother it is your responsibiity to protect him.if you leave him in care he will grow up the haraam way and u cant trust the social.u need to protect him.ive known people that have been abused in care.get him out as quick as you can.what they want to see is you and babies dad moving on with your life in your own home away from family.show them you dont need your family.he must come first pls take my advice cos if you let this be you will still have more pain to come and you dont want that.u fight till the end and make sure hes back at home with you and his dad forget everyone else and the way they think.this is about him.our kids depend on us to make them happy and give them stability and there is no love like a mothers love.x

    • Salaam sister sabina. Im really sorry to hear about social services taking the kids. I hear far too many stories of ss doing this to innocents, and too many actual cases being missed! Make sincere tawbah to Allah, He is the Most Merciful and ask Him to give you strength, if you are still anywhere near zina then keep far away from it. Turn to Allah, only He can help you.
      Repeat 'La hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah. There is neither might nor power but with Allah
      This is a 'treasure of Jannat' and is especially good to read during difficult times.
      I pray that Allah reunites you with your children and makes you and your children righteous Muslims. Ameen Dont give up sister, remember this trial is an expiation for your sins InshaAllah.

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