Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Bad luck in my family. 3 divorces.

wedding rings divorce

Salam.
i hope i can get some advice or comments from someone inshAllah.

I am a 30 year old divorcee. Married someone out of pressure from family.
I was always made to feel like i am ugly because i am a dark skinned bengali. I was bullied,laughed at and told i am a ‘black monkey’ throughout my whole childhood. I think (only Allah knows) that this is the reason i developed anxiety and shaped me into this non confident person that i became. However alhumdullilah in the last 4/5 years i have changed and 100% not that person anymore.
I used to believe I did not deserve any better so i was weak and had little confidence and so I married this man. I also came out of a 2/3 year on and off relationship(yes it was haram but i didnt sleep with him not to say that it makes it halal it 100% was not) with my colleague weeks before i said yes to this man so i had ZERO confidence and self esteem at that point. The guy who i was with for a few years -his family rejected me on the basis that i was ‘too black’ for him and not pretty enough and so he left me and got married to someone else. I instantly regretted marrying this other man my family liked and so i left him after a couple of months, we didnt sleep together. I was not attracted to him and was still in love with my ex. I always regretted how i treated my husband and I hope Allah forgives me for this 🙁 Me as a muslimah i have many many faults which i do not want to list here but inshAllah i am trying to change my ways which has been a constant battle over the years. I would consider myself as practicing and have prayed from a young age (on and off sometimes) but i have recently started observing the hijab again and genuinely feel like i am in a good place islamically more than ever and trying my best to change my ways. That is a little bit about my background.

My predicament is this. My mum and dad have been seperated for some time now -for over 10 years but they have always had a really bad relationship and me and my siblings have grew up witnessing horrific things. My dad was an alcoholic, gambler,womaniser and wife beater to sum it up. He has two other families other than us. I cant begin to explain the things I have seen and heard whilst growing. We still have a relationship with dad regardless, well some of us do. Since he left there have been two divorces in the family, and a third in process right now. All three are the daughters in the family. There are two more marriage with my brothers and their wives but they are EXTREMELY unhappy but somehow they are together..for now..My eldest brother is a heroine addict since the age of 17, i have from a young age seen things i cant forget like witnessing him using substances whilst he thought i was sleeping as we all used to sleep in same room. He has two kids and his wife somehow sticks by him but he has no desire to change , he is constantly in and out of jobs and stealing money and gold from us including my new sister inlaw when my other brother first got married. My addict brothers wife is the sole provider for him ,the kids and the house. He is currently illegally seeing his children as the social services have banned him permanently from seeing his children as he is a substance user and for other reasons too. I have always always made duah for him but i dont know what else i can do? I do feel like i am the only one in the family who is severely affected mentally by every single persons problems in the family.
Also to add my youngest sister who is only 19 currently has no job,no friends and never had friends, she is very very shy and quiet and we all believe she has clinical depresssion/anxiety/social anxiety .She left school halfway because she was considered a loner and basically could not cope any longer and since college has been at home. We tried to get her to go counselling and turn to Islam but nothing. She leaves any job she is offered because of her mental issues. It breaks my heart to see her like this like it really does because i feel helpless.

It literally makes me feel so so depressed when i think about it all but i try to snap out of it and turn to Allah and try to remind myself there are people in the world suffering like the poor and who are less blessed than us and I AM grateful for our blessings. I do pray i do read quran i do additional prayers i watch islamic videos but of course i am yet to improve on many many things on my life so i would not consider myself a good muslim YET but inshAllah i am taking small steps even more so recently. Also to note me and my brother provide for the house and family and we just about manage with no other help..we are in a financial difficulty but alhumdullilah we do somehow manage by the help of Allah. if i had money i would myself pay for my brothers rehab. Or move away from my family and the constant pressure of marriage etc and witnessing the family problems. I am basically writing all this because i needed to let it out and want to know is there something wrong with my family? Clearly Allah is testing all of us and giving us trials and we have to all turn to Allah i know all this..but is there something more to do with this i just dont know how i can even want to marry when i see all this around me? Unhappy marriages and another divorce..its too much for me to cope with. Also to note i have two half sisters who have also divorced (but remarried). One of my real sisters has recently remarried too but i dont see hope for them..I know i am wrong to feel not positive but would Allah be displeased with me for feeling like this? Can someone advise me islamically. Sorry i wrote so much but i have no one to talk to 🙁 my mum and i are not close. i do feel like she always took everything my dad did to her out on us (the sisters-she loved my brothers)whilst we were growing up and beat us and black and blue-literally. By the way Allah knows best but i have not lied about one single thing i have written. I wanted to say i dont feel comfortable talking to my mum. Please advise me as i really wish i could help my family more than ME but i have no control right?

raymias

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alaikum dear Raymias.
    There’s nothing wrong with your family. It’s just s difficult time. Be patient Allah says in the Quran
    Indeed, Allah is with the patient.
    Make dua for yourself and your family Allah will make everything easy for you InshAllah. Ameen

  2. Your household is missing a role model someone to be the backbone of the family. I am so sorry that this had happened to you. I think the solution for this problem would be to separate the rotten apples form the good ones so it doesn't cross terminate and spoil the good ones.

    So what I mean is, you should send your brother's family away from him( perhaps a short stay with her family). Don't let him ruin their lives like your father ruined yours. And force your brother to get help, make him realize that he has no other option to get help or to get out of the family. By letting him continue smoking crack etc, would just make him worse.

    What your family needs the most is a fresh start. Somewhere else to live perhaps the place has just too much awful memories. Also try getting a rugya man into the house to recite some quran over the house and the people living as they could be haunted by a jinn or something.

  3. Dear Sister: You are not a victim of bad luck, but racism and ignorance. You were subject to being in a marriage that you were not welcomed in and realized it was time to move on. Even Princess Diana, a white woman from a wealthy family, who was married to a prince, had to divorce her liar, unfaithful husband to try to find some happiness. The best example for humanity, our beloved Prophet Muhammad, married divorced women. Marriages fail often because the two people in it don't want to be there, are not properly suited or are unprepared.

    I mention Princess Diana because due to racist views, she is still considered a prized beauty. However, throughout the world yellow, tan, brown, dark skin is also considered beautiful. Racism and and most importantly the limited understanding of Islamic principles is at the core of your emotional, mental and physical distress. So many people who claim to be knowledgeable Muslims fail miserably because of their racist, sexists and tribalist beliefs.

    When we fail to follow what Allah has ordained for us, we will fail. And there are many people who are a part of poor family life who raise above those issues. Most find success because they remove the evil of Shaitaan from their lives. Make dua to Allah to give his blessings and protection to you and your family, to help you stay within the fold of Islam and remove Shaitaan and his influence.

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