IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Assalmualaykum

I am a 20yr old female. when i was younger around 4-6, my cousin taught me how to masturbate. I had no idea what it was and that it was something so huge.

Around the same time I'd play with this girl cousin and her two brothers. One day we built a tent out of blankets as children do and her brother told me to open my mouth. he put his genitals in my mouth. Still i had no idea what that was until after when they laughed at me for not rinsing my mouth.

I have led a very promiscuous life where i have had a boyfriend at 16 thinking i was in love i allowed him to do sexual acts (I have NOT committed zina in my life as i am waiting for marriage) things like touching and oral sex. Then he broke up with me and I went through a hard time.

Then at 18 I met a relatively good muslim boy and we did the same. I went with it thinking it was the norm in a relationship. I was foolish and I did not think that it was bad because again I thought I'd be with him but I didn't really love him so before university I broke up with him. My ex tried to contact me and I pretended to care to see what would happen when I met him I realised I was blinded by feelings for him and that he was really beabally abusive and he was sexual and not someone I would want to be with.

As I went to university I left my past behind and started fresh. I made a lot of friends and particularly became good friends with a boy I had gotten to know. We began liking each other. He was a good muslim boy with a good upbringing and respect so I wanted to be with him. I again committed these sins(not zina) but he had never done it before so after 7 months together, I told him about my previous boyfriends. he asked for details and i told him what i remembered and we worked through it and he accepted me as i have not committed zina.

Slowly more details of my past came to mind and although he told me to forget about it, i can't help but feel guilty for not telling him then the thoughts of my childhood abuse came and i felt completely saddenned im not sure what to do i want to tell him because there shouldn't be secrets he has been honest with me. I am just afraid of him being hurt by my childhood. we have spoken about repentance and marriage the proper islamic way but we are waiting till after studies. I feel sad because i come from a bad background and i feel he deserves better than me and he's living with my baggage but i must be honest. what do i do???

imaan1234