Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it a sin to not have a close relationship with my in laws?

Angry in-lawsAssalamu alaikum,

The reason I ask this question is because when I first got married to my husband a year ago, I had to live with my in laws for a short while. I already knew that his family were very different to my own, but I went into it with an open mind. Whilst living there I felt very uncomfortable because I have come from a very peaceful and calm Muslim family Alhamdulillah and stepped into a “Muslim” household which is dominated by conflict, gossiping, backbiting and unnecessary drama every day.

The things I would have to deal with daily included my mother in law using bad language constantly, discussing sex openly and constantly gossiping & backbiting others to myself. This made me feel very uncomfortable.

As well as putting up with this, my mother in law treated me differently to her daughters. She expected myself and her other daughter in law to do all the cooking and cleaning, whereas her daughters didn’t contribute to any responsibilities in the house. This frustrated me but we managed to live together without any arguments Alhamdulillah.

When we finally moved out, I would visit her now and then, and do the usual cook, clean etc. But she started to complain that I don’t go to visit her as much as I should and kept comparing me to her other son's wife who visits her almost every day to cook & clean for her. I had already made up my mind that I didn’t want her to keep tabs on me & be involved in mine & my husband’s relationship the way she does with her other daughter in law. Even if i would visit her once a week, that still wasn’t good enough.

My husband explained to her that I am a very quiet, homely person, but she said that when a girl gets married she needs to change to be like the husband's family. I explained to my husband that I didn’t want to be in that environment especially as I wasn’t benefitting from anything positive from being there and I always felt bad having to listen to her backbiting & cursing at her grandchildren. The more she complained, the more I distanced myself as it made it awkward for me to even visit her knowing that she wanted me to change my personality in order to fit into her family.

Although my husband understood my reasons for not wanting to go, there were times when he was angry from all the headache he was getting from his mother & he would then tell me to go to her house. I went even though I didn’t want to. I had then found out that she had been calling my father & been bad mouthing me to him. I didn’t want my parents to know I was not getting along with my in laws because I didn’t want them be worried about me, so I was very angry that she had called my dad. My husband was also very upset that she had been meddling in our relationship too. We went to confront her & she saw no wrong in her actions. She openly admitted to my husband and me that the main reason she married her son off so that she could have help, and that I should be replaced because I wasn’t good enough for her. I was very hurt by her comments & at that point I reacted badly. For the first time I couldn’t control my frustration, I raised my voice at her telling her to stop interfering. This was really out of character for me & I hope that Allah will forgive me Inshallah. She carried on saying some horrible things, and made evil dua’s about me & my husband.

After that argument I have become more distant with his mother. I do however always encourage my husband to go visit his mother and his family. I don’t want to come between them, but I personally don’t want to go and be in that negative environment. My husband goes to visit his mom, but she tells him she is still angry with him because he is not forcing me to come and help her. He has explained to her that it is not obligatory for me to go and do chores for her, especially seeing as she has daughters that can help her too. Even when my husband goes to visit her, she is still not happy and keeps encouraging him to get a divorce so that she can get him another wife.

I feel that her interfering is causing a lot of tension between me & my husband. I also feel that this issue she has with me is more than her just needing help around the home, but more to do with her having control over me. Although my husband is standing by me now, I am worried that he might get angry & frustrated & tell me to go to her house.

I have contemplated going to visit her regularly, but I honestly felt that being in that negative environment was coming between me & my deen. I know I am not perfect, but I aspire to be a better Muslim Inshallah. I feel that by being closely around his family that are weak in their faith will distract me from being a good Muslim. I am also thinking about my future, and if we have any children Inshallah, I do not want them to be brought up in that environment. Am I being selfish for thinking this way? Me & my husband have also discussed the option of moving to a different city to where my family live in order to make it work. He wants to do this but he also feels that his family will disown him if we do this.

I don’t really know what to do and would appreciate any advice you can give me. The main questions I want to ask are: Is it a sin if I personally do not have a close relationship with my in laws? Am I being unreasonable by wanting to keep my visits to their house minimal? Am I allowed to refuse to go to her house? What rights do the in laws have over me? I would appreciate any advice you can give me to help make my marriage work Inshallah. Jazakallah khair.

- sisters4ever


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7 Responses »

  1. Dear sisters4ever, As-salamu alaykum,

    This is an example of a big clash between Islamic manners and Indo-Pakistani culture. There is absolutely no Islamic obligation for you to act as a servant to your in-laws. I think you're correct, it's not about the chores at all, but about control, and what your mother-in-law thinks are her "rights". But there is no requirement for you to visit your mother-in-law at all. In fact, considering the negative environment in that household, with the cursing, backbiting, talking about sex, criticizing you as a wife, etc, I think you are right to stay away completely.

    If you have children in the future Insha'Allah I would encourage you to limit the amount of time they spend with your in-laws. Of course you cannot keep them away entirely, but place some limits and teach them well so they have an understanding of good Islamic behavior.

    I think you have been more than fair by encouraging your husband to visit his mother. There is no need for you to go with him.

    It's a good idea to move to a different city, which would neutralize this issue to some degree. If your husband gets a job in another city he can tell his family that he has a good economic opportunity and must move. Then you can return to visit his family a few times a year, and stay for a day or two. Even if those visits might be difficult for you, just tolerate them as best you can.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • hey if you read this, i want to ask you br, we know that we cannot break family relations and these relatives have a right to see our kids. i am a little bit in the same boat as this sister. she also mentioned cursing at the kids, which is the same in my situation. my mil curses at my son, example: "you have the face of a female dog" is a roughly translated bad word she said to my son. so where from do you derive ruling that the wife or her kids don't have to see such relatives? if you could explain, id be grateful.

  2. Hello,
    I agree with Wael. It sounds like you are doing everything possible to keep your husband having good relations with his family. She is trying to control you and your marriage. Which is sinful on her part. You have no obligation to her. You should leave to another city. Wael had a good suggestion with having your husband say it is a business opportunity that gives you the need to move.
    No it is not a sin to not keep close relationship with your in-laws. In fact you are doing all things good in this situation. His mother makes it impossible to keep a close relationship with them. If there are other family members of his that you feel comfortable in talking with on the phone or keeping contact with then do so. That way you are trying to get along with some of them.. I had a mother-in-law who did these same things. It was so difficult. I wish you all the good luck in your situation.

  3. To sisters4ever- what happened sis?? come back and tell us!!
    no matter what happens to do NOT stoop to their level. you are being tested and mashallah are doing a good job

    Also, the sister made a good point- if her husband moves away his family may disown him. In that case, if his mother demands he do something, to my knowledge he cannot ignore his mum's requests...unless her requests mean his iman and his wife's will be affected i think. I'll look at the links above but if they dont cover this issue - when its ok to 'disobey' parents then please could someone answer that point.

  4. late for this, but i just wanted to mention to those might be in the same boat.........allah has given this sister enough sense to save her good qualities, her "good perfume" before they are ruined from bad company, "bad odor". most of us realize much later. when you have taqwa yourself/ are coming from a conscious family with understanding of deen yourself, and you have in-laws like this, don't underestimate how their company can affect your character. it's like that hadith, there's one or two that i can't exactly remember about bad company being like a bad odor. it is hard to bring back your good/innocent qualities after being around these people.
    the fact that the in-laws are behaving this way, and that the husband in afraid of them (getting disowned or whatever else) shows that this family has issues. he has to learn that such threats or fears, if real, are emotional blackmail probably used to keep him as a puppet. he is going to have to show strength if he wants to keep his marriage alive. he has every right to visit his mother, help her with her needs, love her, take care of her, and he has every right to NOT be used, or misused.
    no one has a right to interfere with a married couple's decisions, and who would want to ruin their kids marriage? where you guys choose to live is between husband and wife, and in my opinion, the further the better from these people.
    i came from a house where if i hadn't enough sense that my husband's happiness comes before anyone else, our marriage would be broken from my parents. they did enough lies to him about me and he took their side, i don't know what saved our marriage! but with me, they tried to put things in my head about him, or cause jealousy/issues but alhamdulillah i had sense of my husband's rights. i too was scared of my parents as is probably your husband, and i by the way was the "good kid". after i read stuff about certain personality disorders, i realized that especially the parent that i was terrified of had issues and everything started making sense. all the things that they had done to me like screaming at me to get the car that they liked for me to show off to people was a form of manipulation, to get what they wanted. a nice car for their daughter to show off, not for me. me? i didn't have more than two/three outfits for the entire school year! ofcourse i was a social outcast! but now i know. i know what to expect and what not to expect. i know to expect screaming, and emotional blackmail. i know not to excpect anything from them, they didn't even show up when i needed them many times even when i was living closer to them. and they keep telling me with all the lies, manipulations, and reasons to move closer to them and that they would've helped me if i lived closer. why closer, cuz they love their grandkids alhamdulillah. not to help me if i get sick, or because "daughters stay close to their parents".
    my point in all this was that your husband has to realize that he has probably been mistreated as well, and to show strength for you and is kids and marriage. he's a grown man now and has to make descions for his family himself along with his wife.

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