Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I used to beat and abuse my husband and now he wants to divorce me.

Salaam

Broken Glass

I am very tensed as I have committed a very big sin of beating my husband and abusing him and behaved very badly with him for which I feel so guilty that I am not able to forgive myself.

Earlier my husband used to love me a lot and he did not complain of my bad behaviour but now he does not care for me and wants to divorce me.

I am so ashamed of myself and my past behaviour that at times i feel that even Allah wont forgive me. Please help me as I don't want to lose my husband. What should I do????

PLEASE HELP .

Sayeda


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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sayeda.

    I am afraid that there is very little you can do, except to sincerely apologise to your husband and let him know you are willing to change and get help if he wishes you not get divorced. You cannot force him to cancel the divorce. Many sisters write into this site, who are getting abused and we advise them to leave the abusers if they can and not to look back. It is the same for brothers too. If you abused him, he has every right to leave you for his own safety, many people would recommend it. I am sorry, but it is the truth - I will not discriminate. Bad behaviour has consequences and hurting a spouse is very very wrong. You must accept that he wants to leave.

    However sister, all is not lost for you. Even if you do not get your husband back, it is not true that even Allah swt will not forgive you. It is wrong to believe that. Allah swt will forgive your sins if you repent to Him sincerely and make firm intention to never commit such a sin again.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is let him go, (it will take some time to move on but you will InshaAllah), repent to Allah swt and work on yourself. Why did you beat your husband? I think there must be an underlying problem here so would recommend you see a counsellor or go for anger-management classes. Improve your self, get help, do your salat and when you remarry InshaAllah, treat your husband with respect and love. Learn from this situation.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswerscom Editor

  2. Question
    What is the Islamic rulings about a wife that beats her husband?
    Answer
    Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions.
    It is Haram in Islamic Shariah for a wife to beat her husband. This matter is condemned in its nature and practice, because it is the husband who is the protector and maintainer of his wife. His right upon her is great; she has to obey him, fulfill his order and seek his pleasure and ways of making him.
    The obedience of a woman to her husband is one of the greatest acts of worship that bring her closer to Allah and to His pleasure.
    Um Salama, may Allah be pleased with her said: "The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said: "Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise." Reported by Thirmidhi who classified it as a sound Hadith.
    The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) also said: "If I was to order someone to prostrate to someone else, I would order the wife to prostrate to her husband." Reported by Al-Thirmidhi with a sound chain of narrations.
    The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said about the responsibility of a wife towards her husband and her home, her obedience to him, (preserving his rights and fulfilling his duties. and being kind to him)"The wife is responsible for the house of her husband and his children, all of you are care-takers and all of you are responsible for your guardianship." Reported by Bukhari and Muslim.
    The woman who disobeyed her husband or treated him badly should repent and regret what she has done to her husband.
    Allah knows best.

    Source:- Islamweb , http://adf.ly/3FfNb

  3. Sister I wanted to add that Lala is right that you should ask your husband to forgive you. But it is not true that Allah forgiving you depends on whether or not your husband forgives you. If he does not then you will need to give him some of your rewards for your good deeds. Allah can still forgive you. So you will get a loss.

    The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) asked one group of his companions, “Do you know who the bankrupt person is?”

    They said, “A bankrupt person amongst us is the one who has neither money nor property.”

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, “The bankrupt person of my nation is he who would come on the Day of Resurrection with prayer and fast and giving great amounts in charity. And at the same time, he would come having abused this one, and slandered that one, and consumed the wealth of the other unlawfully, and shed the blood of yet others and having beaten others. Then any person whom he has wronged will be given from his good deeds on that Day. And if his good deeds are exhausted until he clears the account concerning all of the people he has oppressed, the sins of those people whom he has wronged will be thrown unto his account and after that, he will be thrown into the hellfire.” (Muslim)

    http://islamicsunrays.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-bankrupt/

    This shows that salat and good deeds alone are no help if someone is abusing or wronging others. Because for each person we wrong, that person will come to us on Yawmul Qiyamah and take from our good deeds. The worse the crime, the more deeds they will take. If we run out of good we have to take some of their bad. May Allah swt save us! This is why it is so important to treat others well, and why you should ask your husband to forgive you. If he refuses then make dua for him (that Allah gives him happiness and grants him Jannat). Do this continuously dear sister and you will not owe him as much. Be aware it make take some time for him to forgive you.

    On a side note , lets see how many sisters reply to this question . I wonder , will they reply with the same intensity of emotions and feelings ,had it been a woman who was abused.

    What a sarky, unhelpful side note! If I am honest, I was pretty shocked when I read this, so I didnt reply straight away until I had calmed down. The sister has done wrong and she has seen the consequences. Khalaas, it is not my place to condemn her or make her feel worse, especially as she is expressing remorse and not causing trouble. I am trying to learn to seperate my emotions from my responses as ultimately our goal here is to advise according to the Qur'an and Sunnah, and not advise according to what we feel.

    May Allah help us to achieve that. Ameen.

  4. Physical abuse is morally, and islamicly wrong if it is done on women, men, children, elders etc.

    It does not make it right if a wife do it to her husband. You are making some one inferior, hurting them physically, psychologically and it is unecceptable behaviour. I beleive all women in there right sense will condemn this act.

    Dear Sister what you have done is wrong, and I am releaved to hear you are aware of this. It is a sin to disobey your husband, especially to this extent. How on earth did you get to this point? when you are in love and in a marriege you are supporse to care for ane another, protect and feel for one another, now you are physically harming him. Inna lilah waina ilayhi raji3oon.

    Ask forgiveness from Allah Subhana wataala, but also Ask sincere forgiveness from him. Tell him you were totally lost and feel bad and ashamed for what you have done. Get proper help from professionals.

    Tell him he deserve to be loved, respected, cared and to get some one who could deliver all this and make him happy. Beautiful words will set him free, and might take away the pain you have coused him, because physical abuse tend to cause psychological scar which are very hard to remove. therefore by admitting and crying to him for forgiveness might takesome pain away.

    HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO LEAVE YOU.. SET HIM FREE. LET HIM BE SAFE, HAPPY, LOVED AND RESPECTED.

    If he is willing him self to come back to you, without you pressurising him, Only eccept him back after you get help and make sure you dont go back to this barberic behaviour. May allah guide us and protect us.

    Amna

  5. Walikum asalaam,

    Sister, what can you do now? Perhaps its too late to win your husband back and his love but if you have truly repented and feel remorse, then it's not too late to win the mercy of Allah and his hidayah. Ask Allah to forgive you because what you did was indeed a very immoral act, wrong in every way.

    Our religion puts great emphasis on a woman's obedience to her husband and to be honest, there is no direct ruling for a woman who beats up her husband- you know why? Because its deemed as something so against the gender nature and so out of line!

    Do tawbah and the most you can do is ask your husband for another chance. If he wants to take it, good, if not then let him walk away. No man must ever be made to feel like he has to live with someone who has abused them as is the case of a woman who is abused. If I was the man in this relationship, I would have divorced a woman who dares abuse me immediately.

    Learn from your mistake and allow him to make his choice. He deserves the love and compassion he hasn't received all this time.

    Was salaam

  6. alhamdulillaah you realised what you have done, may forgive both of us.

    all you can really do is just not to dispair of the mercy of Allaah.
    and i hope Allaah gives your husband tawfeeeq and the qawwaamah that has been placed on him.

  7. i can't stand women like you while I am a female my self I should respect other women but what made you think you can beat your husband what give you the right to abuse him just because he loved you alot & you thought you can do what you want .. What goes around comes around I know people in here are very kind & said you should apologise but hopefully he won't accept your apology & he leaves you I pray for him for a better future with a wife who respects him & give him love

    Reason i am straight to the point is because even if he forgives you I am 100% sure you will do it again once you know he in love with you again people like you never change

    I come to this website & I am not a mean person cause normally I do say kind words but women like you don't deserve it

    • Salams sister mina,
      I am sad to read your comments reflecting your thoughts for this sister. It's true that she abused her husband and took advantage of being nice but Allah (swt) asks us to be forgiving, merciful, kind, compassionate toward other fellow humans not only our relatives or Muslims. I think everyone tried to give a balance advice to the sister; this is not our place to judge her on her actions. She did wrong; she should apologise to her husband and repent to Allah (swt).

      You should apologise but hopefully he won't accept your apology & he leaves you I pray for him for a better future with a wife who respects him & give him love.

      You shouldn't say such a thing; we are all humans men or woman, single or married, young or old. We make mistakes and we ask for forgiveness from Allah. This sister has realised the magnitude of her mistakes and is truely regretting; don't wish something for your sister/brother which you don't want for yourself. Put yourself in her shoes and what if anyone was making such remarks; how would you feel when you are remorseful, suffering from the consequences of your actions, repenting and hoping that your spouse will forgive you?
      I am 100% sure you will do it again once you know he in love with you again people like you never change.

      No one knows when someone will change except Allah (swt) so you shouldn't say that you are 100% sure; you are not God astaghfirullah or someone who can predict future. If you want to help her, say good things, encourage her to repent, ask for forgiveness from Allah (swt) and her husband and never to comitt this mistake again. Whether her husband forgives her or not; this is between them both but you can pray for the best/positive not worst/distructive. Divorce is the most hated thing although halal. I hope you understand.

      Wasalam,
      Muhammad1982:)

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • asak,

      I know what sin i hv done n i am repenting also but when u know sm1 is already in pain atleast u can say a few words of calmness or good advice rather than praying that my husband leaves me....

      I am totally shattered wid ur words but i hope that ur huband doesnt leave u .... bcoz when u r following islam its clear that u shld not wish bad 4 others bcoz ALLAH SWT can do d same to u at any point of time .

      I shared my suffering here just for sm good advice and making me encouraged that i seek more n more forgiveness from ALLAH SWT but not for making me feel worse .....

      Did any1 tried to find out the reason y i did so (though its was very much wrong on y part)....??

      AND PLEASE ITS A REQUEST TO EVERY1 THAT IF YOU CAN'T WISH GOOD DON'T WISH BAD ALSO...

    • salaam sister

      I don;t agree with your comment. this has hurt me alot... I have also beaten my husband because I was so emotional and did not have a way to explain him my feelings. I also realised the reason I beated him was because I was beaten for no reason many times by my brother. This has left big scars and I still fear him everyday even if I live in another country and am married. The reason I beated my husband was because I was afraid he was going to do it to me if I didn't show my 'power' this IS wrong and im happy i realise it now before its too late. Please dont judge people. It seems you don't have any experience of suffering in life and I could be wrong but its not nice to say this to the lady who is truly sorry for her behaviour......

      • Sister What If your husband had become abusive and start beating u in return
        you have done very wrong if you want someone not to be abusive treat him with love

  8. Dear brother Muhammad1982

    I know I shouldn't of said what I felt but I can't stand abuse regardless it happens to a women men or a child so I have done alot of studies on it people who abuse one individaul for a period of time & they have the mentality that the individual they treating bad loves him/her they keep on abusing until the day of rejection then it is not that they regret mostly likely it is there ego which is saying how could he or she stoping me from what I did why can't he love me & i continue to what I do this is the practical way okay I know in Islam we have to have sabur but some times we live in a real world we need to face reality of life so that is why i said that

    but again dear Brother if you were offended by my words I do apologise

    • asak,

      @ mina

      I know what sin i hv done n i am repenting also but when u know sm1 is already in pain atleast u can say a few words of calmness or good advice rather than praying that my husband leaves me....

      I am totally shattered wid ur words but i hope that ur huband doesnt leave u .... bcoz when u r following islam its clear that u shld not wish bad 4 others bcoz ALLAH SWT can do d same to u at any point of time .

      I shared my suffering here just for sm good advice and making me encouraged that i seek more n more forgiveness from ALLAH SWT but not for making me feel worse .....

      Did any1 tried to find out the reason y i did so (though its was very much wrong on y part)....??

      AND PLEASE ITS A REQUEST TO EVERY1 THAT IF YOU CAN'T WISH GOOD DON'T WISH BAD ALSO...
      Reply

    • Mina, if you have done research to abuse then you also know tha abusers mostly have a problem with being abused themselves. not trying to protec them or saying what they do is good, but abusers need help just like victims do.....

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